She told me so

“So how does it feel to be a wish?” she asked me as she leaned in and pursed her lips.
I couldn’t speak as my throat was dry and I had cried the whole night through.
“Listen dear, we are all wishes as some time. You have to be strong and find the love you have for yourself. Those who wish, do not want you. They like the idea of you.”
This statement hurt me, although it shouldn’t have. My chest heaved and the tear welled. I thought of the sweet lies and the reasurances of what I was supposed to believe. I thought of all the times I had heard these words before…and yet I fell for them over and over again.”I know…I know.”
She sighed and leaned back again. she was so very frustrated with me at this point. She didn’t like to have to tell me this over and over but she did. Placing her hand over her face, she deflated. “Oh, I am so sorry…I feel your hurt, your sorrow as if it were mine but I cannot heal you. I cannot save you from yourself.”
Her words rang true but yet to me had no meaning. All I could see, feel or taste was this thing called love…which didn’t exist. I was such an emotional creature. I was such a fool and she felt so sorry for me. She wanted to fix me, to heal me to give to me strength but she knew I had to find it on my own. My tears fell suddenly…no jerking, no twitching–just rivers flowing down my cheeks onto my breast. I did not move.
She looked back to me and raised up in her chair. Her wings were now blue…as blue as could be. I saw her dark eyes and her little fangs but knew she meant me no harm. I watched as Spirit stared into me, offering me strength she knew I could not take…but offering it none-the-less.
“I hate doing this over and over. I hate being alone and not being able to feel.” I wiggled in my chair–arms crossed.
Spirit looked at me and smiled a sad little smile and spoke. “You know they do not love you at all. You know you are a fantasy…nothing real…nothing to them at all.” she took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek. “I am sorry, but love is not reciprocated…and if I remember correctly, you said you would love regardless.”

I looked down at my hands that were impatiently grasping each other…desperately looking for something that would prove the faerie wrong..but she was right.”I had loved in vain and allowed myself to get lost in the feeling.”
She smiled at me and opened her arms. “Come…come to me again and I will protect you from them. I will keep them from you.”
I looked up with pools in my eyes with lips trembling and watched her spread her wings. I felt her need to fly. I felt her love for me…someone who was always there for me. I exhaled so deeply in finality. I understood the truth as hurt washed over me again. I heard the sweet words and i caught my breath. I knew she did not lie to me.
I stood and reached out for that part of myself which wore the mask. I reached for the truth I knew.
Spirit smiled and the smile told me that she had kept her promises to me. She would always be here.


Read more: http://authspot.com/thoughts/she-told-me-so/#ixzz2XfsVMDh4

147

2009

It wasn't that I liked what I did, no. I was a very selfish person who wished to survive and to find happiness where she could. To me, happiness was like falling leaves and I danced beneathe them madly. I cared not what color or what shape those leaves were born or made into. I only cared, at that time, for myself and whatever it took to make me happy. My children made me happy, these cyber men made me happy and Mary made me happy...this is what I thought of and this is what I thrived upon for that time in history. I grew increasingly strange and livid as the time approached that my husband would end my happiness with my newfound life. I loved him...oh, how I loved him. I loved him beyond what any of you could ever understand. I resent that fact that when you read this, you may think that I had no love for him nor respect for him serving his country...and you are wrong. Just because I was no longer in love with him, did not mean that I would not fight wild animals for this man. See, words play tricks on your mind in this way and so many see love as one thing and one thing only. The word love is so mixed and perverted until it loses all sense of meaning to some of you. We were friends, Venum and I, and why wouldn't we be? For 17 years of our life, we raised three children, lived through the death of two more and we raged against everything. He was a beast to me and I had become that beast. I had taken from him what I needed to survive whether it be unorthodox or whether it be quite normal...I took and absorbed what I needed. So why shouldn't I love this man? I knew and loved him more than most people who have walked this planet in exception to his mother and father. There are others perhaps; who have seen things which he never revealed to me and now I know that to be understandable. But my love never ends here...it only changes. I will leave...I am just waiting for the right time...and I will forgive...as I would have him to forgive me. To understand or to not understand...it is no conern of mine if you do not....after all, this is just another story.


2009

I ran with the wolf; through the forests of night. The raven overhead chattered and cawed as it kept up with our brisk pace. I stopped, just on the crest of the hill and squatted down for a better look of my surroundings. Everything was alive underneath the moon's wise and watchful eyes. I saw the trees swaying gently in the breeze from the coming sorm. Oh, how the wolf loved the storm and it's wildness...but he guarded himself closely when the storm would finally come upon him. Wolf came up next to me and licked at my knee where the barbed wire had cut me. He growled beneathe his breath and I heard his words.

"You must be careful miss...I cannot bear to see you hurting. The storm is coming. Don't you think you should go back in?"

The Raven laughed at the wolf's silly words as he perched upon my shoulder.

"You are such a fool wolf, you worry like some old decrepit lady. Let her alone...let her ride the storm on those silly fairy wings." The Raven smiled and I knew he smiled because I felt his darkness bloom within my soul.

This is how it was...sometimes, within the forest of Illyria. They would nip at each other forcing the light and darkness to clash until the pressure burst into some cataclysmic shower of the stars. I would turn my face toward the heavens and feel the shimmering fairy dust fall all around me.  I would watch the fireworks as the Raven flew away again...wolf bounding back into the forest. They always left me...left me to what I had taken from them. I learned and I gravitated toward myself...more and more....becoming something...different.

I was Spirit but Sherrie was close by nurturing the darkness for me. Anna's soft still voice was comforting me from her short distance within my mind. She told me to be still...remember to calm my heartbeat and my soul. And then, as soon as we were three...it was only me....Sherrie. Something happened that night...upon the crest of the hill in Illyria, my make believe enchanted forest. I became one for just a moment. It was a moment in time that I did not remember since being a small child.

Something, somewhere was holding me still.

I was alone and this is where I made my stand.



2009

Have mercy..oh have mercy and have forgiveness. It is said that if ye seek forgiveness for your sins, you must forgive others of their sins as well. Even if the sinner has sinned 70 times 7...or something of that nature. No where have I seen that you must live with them....for if you have been betrayed only once, God has given you the right to end the union in which you have cultivated and nurtured.
I was prepared now. I waited in that house on the day that my husband would return. I made a vow with myself that I would not relent. I would not bow down to the anger in his voice, I would not take another blow and I would not accept another betrayal until I was free. No matter what happened, I would stay true to myself.

I had not given up my love for two of the men...the Raven and the Wolf. As time would go by, I would let go of the earthly  love and disolve my part in their wrong doing. Whether they changed their ways or not, I would never know. Only once, after walking away from the wolf, did I speak to him again...but it was never the same.  After all...I do have a heart, no matter how misguided or twisted it might be....I want what is right. But I feel the tug of something, a feeling of familiarity but different somehow.....some thing that pulls me together and forms me in stillness. I feel the tug of something that heals me and makes me one person...but at this point in time, I thought it was just a magnetic feild. I would dream every night off something which came to me and whispered soft words into my ear and would tell me to fly. I would shush that voice and try to keep my focus on the task at hand. ONe step at a time...I would tell the voice. When the voice disappeared, I would hear Spirit and Anna arguing about how they were trapped and unable to speak with me...contained. I would dismiss their silly ramblings and set about to preparing for my husband's return.

And so, it was...

146

2009

Halloween

Venum came home for a couple weeks and he was different....I was different. We would look at each other in a weird way and then carry on with life. Venum met Mary and he seemed to think she was cool. We would have bonfires and cookouts to celebrate the fact that Venum was home for a little while. I seemed cold and he seemed cold as well and that was not to be helped. He was fighting a war in a foreign land while I was waging war with myself. I know that none of you could understand the similarities in this but there are some. I do not question what he went through and I could never understand the horror that he witnessed. I did not see the dead (But only did I see the dead and talk to the dead and live with the dead inside.), not did I kill anyone (slowly killing myself..slash by slash and burn by burn)...I am sure that he did these things.  I did not suffer alone with my atrocities of war as he did (I was always with three...me myself and I). But, to me, I suffered in my own way hating myself and destroying myself with my drinking habit, my sexual sins and my self hatred. I looked at him and I saw a stranger and when he looked at me...it seemed that he saw a stranger as well. In fact, he asked me why I was so different and what was wrong with me. I would always tell him that nothing was wrong and he was just imagining things. I knew that I was going to leave him but I would not tell him then. I wanted him to have a clear head when he went back into battle and so I tried to make things seem as peaceful as they could be.

Venum came and he went and I do not remember much about his stories or the time that we spent between deployments. Venum left on Halloween night to return to Afghanistan. We traveled to Memphis and went to the airport. I said my goodbyes and the kids said theres as well. It was a sad departure but I felt a little numb at the same time. I knew that things were changing and there was nothing that I could do. AFter Venum left, me and the boys went trick or treating in the neighborhood around my aunt's house. I didn't want to go inside, I just wanted to roam the streets all night...in my little black fairy costume.

I stayed out long after the children wanted to go inside, it was cold and bitter...bitter as my heart. I just wanted something great and powerful to come and tell me what to do. I felt like crying and hiding away within the night. I felt the horror of my emotions...of that feeling that I could not change, that I could not contain...I felt the horror falling out of love with my children's father. I looked at their faces knowing that they had no clue as to what I would have to do. My heart sank to new levels of darkness.


2009

And I was alone again with my children, my friend Mary and my three inside. I found them plenty of company for the time being. I do not remember how Christmas was spent but I do remember giving the children all that they wanted for Christmas. I started explaining to the men online that my husband would be returning soon and that I had to find a way to communicate with them without his knowledge...because, my heart would not let them go. One of the guys whom had grown very close to me had decided to cut me lose because his wife had caught him talking to me twice and she had offered up an ultimatum for him. It was either let me go or she was getting a divorce. Of course, he did the right thing and told me that it was over between us. It was hard for me and I cried many nights thinking about our friendship which was gone forever. Then, I started to do other things to occupy my time and to not think of the 'frog' ...or that is his animal spirit. I had grown very close to the frog and his soul was entwined with mine. He was always the precious sub who needed his dominant woman to guide him during the sexual encounters that we would have via webcam or on the phone. There would be no more phone sex while he was on his lunch break, there would be no more web cam sex while sat upon a pepper grinder and rode away while doing squats....(he always loved that one) and there would be no more dark scenarios of commanding him to fuck the hell outta me in the 'make believe cemetary that we always dreamed about. It was over for me that frog....and it ripped at my heart.

But that was life and life wasn't fair.


2009

During the winter I grew closer to the Raven...one of my writer friends who taught me things that I didn't evn know about myself. I knew who the Raven was and I knew his other....as I have mentioned before. During a drunken episode, the Raven told me that he loved me but it was the other who spoke these words. I always ever thought that his only feeling toward me was of curiosity but I was wrong.
I found the RAven perched upon his branch one night and there I sat and listened. I listened until he came down to me, pushed me over onto my stomach and pounded my ass in love. I felt his hands grip and tug at my flesh as I screamed...I screamed in pleasure and I desired more. The RAven gave me more of what I wanted and then he gave me things that I didn't even know that I desired at all. But I was impatient and within days, the Raven had flown away out of frustration. I flew away as well...in the other direction.

Every now and then....I would find the Raven but he was dark and brooding. Out of fear of his rejection...I left him to his devices and his secret plans.

But I still love the RAven...I love him still....because the heart cannot be overruled. In this I have found no closer...and as with many things...I would find no closer. I think that maybe a lesson here would be that sometimes things will never be explained and we shall have to accept that fact.


2009

And that left him...the one who brought me to climax many many times...whether early in the day or deep within the night...to songs....poems and just his lyrically beautiful words. I knew that things were going to change as my husband came back home but I did not want to lose them. I loved them...I loved him...and I loved the others. I did not see my week without the orgasm given to me at lunch time with various objects such as pepper shakers, cucumbers and popsicles. I could not imagine my life without my cyber lovers and so I wept whenever i thought about how I was to lose them soon.
I enjoyed every day...every moment until that fateful time that I would have to hide them from my husband. I hated to lie...oh, how i hated making a story to hide the truth...but there comes a time when you have to lie or you will lose your mind. There are just some things that you cannot give up without giving up your very soul.


2009

He would be coming home soon I was frightened. I would never tell anyone how frightened that I was , but I was in dread. I didn't want my life to change and I did not want to be manipulated. I had grown strong since Venum had left and I was very unwilling to give up that freedom that I had found. I saw his arrival as being a death to me of sorts. I knew that If I gave in to him and his ways, that I would lose me completely. I knew this as sure as I knew the sun would rise, as sure as the oceans were full of life and as sure as I was part of three...the spirit, the dead and me.

I waited and I waited...digging my nails into the palms of my hand. Day after day the time grew near. I began to cut again...first the arm and then my stomach. Even my cyber lovers saw my cuts and grew angry with me. They asked me why I was so scared and I tried to explain my dread to them. They just told me to be strong and not to give in to the pressure. I talked to Gringo(my lil bro, FRank) and I begged him to help me. He told me that I had to just man up and be a big girl. He said it was stupid for me to hurt myself and that I should find a better way to let out my frustration. He was drunk and so he was not very kind in his reprimands. When I got off the computer, I cut four lines into my forearms and cried myself to sleep.

Spirit starte to rage about my impending containment. She was angry and sought to make me grow angry as well. Anna told me to be calm and not to take things so seriously. She said that I should wait and take it one day at a time until he came back. Anna reminded me that I would not know what to do until the time came. Her little cold hand gripped mine and I knew she was very near and very strong. For a moment, I saw Anna standing very near me. I smelled a strange and clowing perfume coming from her apparition. I reached out to touch her cheek and she smiled.

"I am here for you...when the time comes. I will be your strength and sense of direction."

I squinted my eyes to better see Anna's form but then she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her but she left me.

I was alone....Spirit was even gone. It was just me...me and my razor blade..and so I cut again. Then finally, i fell asleep.

145

2009

I stayed drunk every night and for every night, I hung out with my international friends on the internet. Most nights were spent letting Spirit run amuck with the other writers of the forums. Some times, I would have a webcam job to fullfill and other times, I was chatting with friends that I had made the past year. When I had reached the height of my drunken state, I sometimes would be in fights in the forums and having debates with others. Mostly, I would avoid the most serious fights because of my fear of being intellectually inadequate. Once or twice, Damian would wake up and catch me dancing drunkenly on the living room table. Once he even posted a pic on facebook of my inebriation. I would wake the next day and do it all over again. During this time, I gained weight because I was not going out much, not having real life social interractions. I became depressed as Sherrie and utterly uncontainably joyful as spirit. The members of the church came looking for me after I started to miss worship services.

Eventually, I stopped going to church altogether and felt that my internet family cared much more about me than anyone else....except my children, of course. No one loved me like my children did. And so, I let them meet certain of my friends from online...the ones who were not too wild for the boys. On a couple occasions Damian played xbox with a friend from Arizona and he also helped solve a math problem with a friend from Kentucky. My online friends were impressed by my children's intellect and I was proud of their accomplishments. I told of all their accomplishments when talking to my friends.

But I was falling into a dark and depressing pit while only spending my time online. I saw that I was becoming highly addicted to the computer and so I took a break for a while. This did not last long and I was back at it again. While my friends online helped me to find and fight for my freedom; they also contributed to my weight gain, reclusiveness and my lack of outside social interraction. This, I found posed a problem to my sanity as much as having three personalities threatened to do.


2009

Anna sat at the back of  my mind and twiddled her little fingers. She watched me grow more independant as the days went on. She would smile weakly and then stand up to show me the logic in all things that I was delving into. Some times I listened to Anna and some times I did not. I had found out that her family had found her killer and I wondered why she stayed with me. I asked her if she knew about the facts behind her murder and she told me that she knew everything and yes, she knew that they had found her killer. She entered my thoughts more deeply and spoke a secret to me then. She said she wouldn't leave me until she knew that I could handle this on my own. I agreed and let her go deeper into my thoughts. There she remained and there she helped me to sort out my feelings and my mistakes. I tried to convince myself that Anna was a fictional part of my mind, a twisted form of my personality...but then she would say something that made me think otherwise. One of my friends from online named Shell would tell me about how I was having delusional epidsodes and that it was just a part of my disorder. To her, all things supernatural were just too hard to fathom...she being more of a science gal and an atheist at that. I respected her opinion and so I took Anna with a grain of salt from then on. This made her very sad and she would weep within my mind. My depression grew worse.


2009

I met a woman named Mary and Mary was wonderful. I had been looking for another job to replace the one that I had lost. Venum had been sending emails wanting to know if I had found a new job yet. I kept calling jobs and filling out applications online but nothing seemed to pan out. I found an add for a Health and Wellness advisor and so I made the call. 

The woman who answered the phone introduced me to a line of health and wellness products which I had been familiar with before. At first I really thought I had hapt upon something akin to being some sort of instructor or coach; but the job was more of a workshop type deal where you introduced new health products in hopes of selling these products. The ladies name was Mary and I was supposed to meet her to learn of the new job. I made plans to meet her at Stokes (the local grocery) and there she would explain everything to me.

I met her and she explained all about the business. She said that I could go to workshops with her and watch her do the job and make the sells. After a while, she would let me start with the business on my own. I was happy with this and so I agreed to go with her and watch her do the work. Spirit became irritable and I told her to shut up. Anna said that this might work out for me if I put my mind to it and Sherrie just moaned a little and introduced herself more thoroughly to the lady. Mary smiled and  hugged me right before I left.

I knew that Mary was different but I had no idea that she would become one of my best friends. She would meet me...all three of me and she would still love me and not be afraid of me. I would not creep Mary out and she would make me feel welcome in her home. ON many occasions, I would fall asleep in Mary's arms and yet, we were not a couple....we did not love like that...in that way. I had just found a true friend, a friend without conditions and a friend who was not ashamed to be my friend as well.


2009

I started to tell Mary of my relationships with the men online. She actually had the opportunity to talk to one of them when I was in her home. I told Mary about the way that I felt and how I was unfullfilled by Venum. I told her that I was looking for love and that I had become confused in my wanderings...which I had. I found answers to things as I talked to Mary and Mary talked to me in exchange. Mary was single but she had been seeing at least two married men and she was having a hard time changing that about herself. We both agreed that what we did was wrong...yes, I only talked to these men on the internet while Mary had relations with them in real life. Thing was, we didn't really see any different between the sins that we both committed...well, not much difference because it had to be classified differently. We talked of how the men made us feel...how they talked sweet to us and made us feel special but then they went back to their own lives and left us empty...this they did. We laughed about the fact that we did not rule the holidays--this was for the wifey. We talked about all the days that we were sure of not having the men's attentions...these including holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas....also other such related holidays. In the end, we understood what we were...we were the 'other women' and we really had no stand in their existence...but we were okay with that. When things would happen in that aspect, we would comfort each other, drying the tears and holding each other till late into the night. It was a strange perspective...this other life was and it was something that I would have to face when my husband came home. I didn't know what I wanted in life, this was certain but I did know that I wanted my happiness.

Mary and I traveled every day making flyers, doing workshops and just being together. We talked of everything that revolved around the men and the women we knew. I joined the business and learned the company. I worked while the kids were in school and found solace in Mary. I wish I could say that with Mary's help, I reached a conclusion and an answer to all my shortcomings but I did not do so. In Mary I learned many things and grew in odd ways but I never grew to understand the ways of the human being. I must say, I did learn a new perspective on life and I began to feel something strange for these men that I talked to. I realized that they may have loved me in their own ways but they could never love me in the way that I wanted....and so I grew stronger and started to look at them differently. I never stopped loving them but I learned to take what I needed from them leaving them with peace. I never ever felt an envy or hatred for their loved ones. I actually learned a newfound respect for the women who must live with these men. My love never died, nor did it turn sour....I weeded them out and was left with only a few men that I felt loyalty toward. I loved them until they said it was time to go and then....I gave them up...all but two. These two were the hardest ones to give up and the ones who held the most of me.

Mary knew and Mary held me deep within the night when neither of these men would be there. Sometimes, they never came to me for a weeks time and I felt as though my soul would die. I realized that I had fallen in love...in love with those men that I had never met.

I had reached a new level of pathetic insanity. Even Spirit seemed to be in love as she sat on her mushroom and swayed back and forth under the stars.

What had I done?

the wounded human animal...

2009
For those who wish to view my blog; it is important that you go back to entry number 1 or just before that one to understand the meaning of this story. This is the story of my life and every horrid thing that has stuck in my memory. On this journey, I have found more and more and will be filling in the blanks over time. Revisiting this blog would be beneficial to understanding the nature of the beast, the course of the sickness and the path of the lost.
Thank you

144

2009

I never intended to try and take anyone's place. I knew these men, but how well I knew them was possibly questionable. I listened to their problems and they opened up to me...at least some of them did that. When they would open up to me about their problems, i refused to join them in their criticism because I felt that it was not my place to do so. Even though, at times, I brought these men pleasure, I still did not choose to downgrade their lives without me. I was simply the daark faerie. Sometimes I think I may have only been entertainment for those who were unfulfilled, bored or just disfunctional. I think that is why I question others of their true intentions so much of the time. Sometimes, when getting to know these men, I did not know if I was simply a fantasy for them or if I was more ...if I really had substance. I imagined that when they turned off that computer, I did, in fact, disappear.

There were flip sides that I learned from my adventures in web cam modeling. I learned that maybe those other women whom Venum had been with ..maybe they did understand things about him that I could not. I saw things from different perspectives and I saw things as someone else. I saw as the daark faerie...then I saw as Anna in her hopeless logic. My views changed rapidly and I even grew jealous at times of others who were online with my male customers and male friends. I then would take a break, take a step back and realize what I was doing. But it grew late in my musings and I fell in love. I fell in love over and over with them...they were beautiful to me. They were beautiful because they bared their souls in the way they wrote and the way their eyes met mine. I saw there deeply within that we were crossing lines. Things would get complicated but I could not undo what was done. I could not unlove what I already loved. It was an exotic and enduring disease.
I never hated the wives as some women do. I never wanted to take things from them that was rightfully theirs. I only wanted to love their husbands because my heart told me to. I wanted to bring happiness where happiness was needed. I never really fooled myself into believing that I could do anything differently or better than was already being done. It is just he pain in their faces, their eyes and the sorrow in their voices...and worst of all...the emptiness in their typed words. These things hurt me and I just had to try and make it better. When they hurt, I hurt....when they were sad I could not stand the pull at my heart strings. But I was never under the impression that I could do any better than anyone at all. Through these men, I learned to love the ones who loved them. It was strange but it was real. There were secrets but there was never ever ill intent nor ill will for the sanctity of anything. I saw freedom as pure freedom and it was so contagious that I wanted these men to know what freedom was because it was happiness. When the conversations lasted well into the night and when my fingers typed away...when I lay naked before my computer screen while one of my beloved would sing a lullabye to me...I even fell asleep while they watched me. From thousands of miles away, the ones whom I loved and shared with another would watch the sunrise while I brought myself to pleasure for the third times in hours. Finally, when neither of us could stay awake any longer, we said ttyl...but never goodbye. Do I feel guilty...yes. Do I regret what I did...no. For I would not have had it any differently.

And so I grew to forgive Venum but I was not going to stay with him. I had fallen out of love with him and I knew that. There was nothing I could do. These men heard my story adn they stayed with me as long as I needed. I was their sweetheart, their baby, their princess and cinderella. I have heard these names before and when I hear them again...I smile. They are embedded into my heart as terms of endearment...as love. I have heard cutie, and darling and my little fairy...and these simple things leave a sweet taste in my mouth and a skip to my walk.

In my dreams, I stay warm by the fire of my heart.

143

2009

I awaited the time that I was to be face to face with this thing. The Trionders were there...always. I looked to them for my solace and balance. Within the fatasical world of writing and the forums, Spirit cavorted like a mad woman. She had decided that her place was to rule the forums...Triond and whatever forums she hapt upon. She was deliriously happy to say the least and she went from writer to writer...cyber fucking and owning her victims. She was amazing and she was free. Outside of the forum, she was much more dormant than before...oddly satisfied with her ability to vent and enjoy her magical world. And her world became more real as I wrote the descriptions of her magical realm.  I made up everything as I went along...not using any of the facts that I knew to be true of her honest identity and origin. I created monstrous mushrooms on which she plopped her magical little ass. She would flutter those silly little wings that changed color according to her moods. Her fairy dust drifted down onto the forest floor as she twirled and skipped around her victims. And they melted...each and every one of them melted at her feet and kissed her little fairy feet. She would giggle in delight and then pull them from their knees. There in the forest of Illyria, she would kiss their lips and where her sweet kiss was placed, their skin would tingle from the magic of the touch. Her hands grabbed hold of their shirts pulled them to her and she would bite deeply into the soft flesh of their throats and satisfy her hunger. As she sucked the blood from them she would fuck them and their climax would match her moans of satisfied hunger. She didn't kill them, there in that forest in Illyria; she would just give to them the darkened and strange fantasy of a pleasure that was just outside of their understanding. And they would know her for what she really was...and they would love her regardless.


Bo (the big cat)

I called him on the phone for the first time. He lived in San Diego California. He had asked me time and again to call him sometimes and I did that very thing. When he heard my voice for the first time, he was amazed.
"Oh my god", he would say..."you are a REAL life southern belle."
I would just laugh and reply to his sillyness. "Ha! Not quite, my love...I am not quite a lady as that."
We would talk and for days afterwards...we would talk for hours. I never knew how much I would grow to love this man.
And I would not fully appreciate him until he was gone.
Sometimes, its just too late to say I love you.

The nature of the beast

Maybe, I am bad. Maybe I am a demon.

I saw the picture that Rides Lightning drew of Spirit. I heard his words spoken softly in my ear and I turned away from those words. I know what Spirit is and I know where she comes from....he told me.

But it's a secret and I don't tell secrets.

It is not my human nature to hurt others... but I do. I cannot control my anger sometimes and things get ugly. She is with me now, she has done her damage...and all I can do is cry.

Because you cannot take those things back that hurt others...it fades, yes it does...but it is still done.

I apologize, not only for my stupidity. I apologize for everything that had made you hate me.

sometimes, I wanna go away and never ccome back because I cannot be anything but me and I cannot love anything but what my heart loves and it is killing me.

I just want to fade and be forgotten.

can you help me....because the cancer grows.

142

2009

Summer

I went through the motions with church service. I stood singing the songs back in with the congregation. No longer did I stand apart and get standing ovations. I got looks but they werent of respect...more so of repulsion. Oh, how could someone like me ever dream of being with someone as innocent as Gavin? I saw their faces and I read their minds. I never understood how this happened but I would sit in service and something would tug on my sleeve and I would turn. I would see one of the youth staring at me in disgust and I could hear her thoughts. She found me to be a horrible person and could not contemplate such as union as I had wished to have with Gavin. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend that seeing her thoughts was impossible. I tried to tell myself that the devil wanted me to hear these things and they were false. And so I would turn and sing the songs with the others again. Then spirit would come and sit beside me and whisper funny things in my ear and tell me that she loved me. The songs were full of the word 'spirit' and my other would laugh and squeal every time that I sang the word. Spirit tugged on me and took control of my hips. I would sway and then smile. To hide my impatient yearnings, I raised my hands in worship and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to get closer to God and find what he wanted for Sherrie to do. I was overrun with people in my head...yes, overrun by three individuals who were presently trying to make a mockery of me in the sanctuary.

"But, I am not doing anything, Sherrie." Anna turned toward me and frowned. She was sitting where Spirit sat just moments before and she was wringing her hands in frustration. Her fingernails were still caked in blood and gore where she had tried to fight off her murderer. I smiled and then looked toward the worship and praise group on the stage.

"Not you, Anna....it's Spirit, she is bored again."

Anna reached over and caressed my hand....her hand was so cold. "It's okay...just give her time to adjust to her new found freedom and she will calm down."

I nodded my head and noticed that the pastor's wife was starring at me with a confused look. I wondered had she seen me conversing with someone who wasn't really there. I was nervous.
After service, no one really wanted to hug me and so I hugged a few and then went into the bathroom. After regaining my composure, I got the kids and went home.


2009

Summer

I read the bible over and over. I wanted to reconnect with my church family. I wanted so badly to feel normal and fit in for the children. I missed teaching the children and I missed singing. I wanted those things back but I had no idea how I was supposed to achieve these things. I wanted to talk to Spirit and try to work some compromise out so that I could function more normally. When she was around, I was a raving lunatic, dancing through the grocery store in nothing more than a thin sundress and going commmando. The wind would blow up my dress and I would moon half the parking lot. She would stand defiantly at face to chest level with some 6 ft tall, 350 pound man and tell him where to get off. If she hadn't been cute and he hadn't laughed at her, she would have been pounded into the pavement by now. She would giggle every single time someone said the word, "spirit"...even when it was in the context of the father, the son and the holey ghost. She loved the SOAD song, chop suey because of the part about why the father had foresaken her and how I would give unto his hands....my Spirit. She was ridiculous to say the least..but highly seductive and almost irresistable. And she was very powerful by then....strong and unrelenting...so how would I go about having this little talk with her? And then, I found the solution...meds.


2009

Summer

I went to the doctor for the first time in years...i mean the crazy doctor of course and i wanted to know what i should do. I hid some things from her....things that were irrelevant. But I was diagnosed once more with manic depression. She told me that there was a way to stop what was going on with my rapid cycling. Of course, I lied about how fast I really changed because according to what I have read...bipolars do not cycle as I do. I changed rapidly and randomly back and forth....during the day, during the week...or whatever the others saw fit to do. But she told me that the meds she had would make it easier for me to function in life and stay focused.

I heard Spirit whimpering and saw her give me puppy dog eyes and so I left the doctor's office with nothing but a report. I would just have to talk to Spirit alone and see what sort of compromise we could come to with the new information and options that I had just been given to me.

I parked behind the bathrooms at the park where there were very few people passing by. I adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could see my eyes and then addressed her.

"So, the thing is...I know you are strong, maybe even stronger than me but I have to do something different in order to survive in this world. It is unforgiving, you know. I cannot just run around doing as I wish all the time. I have to keep order in my brain for me and most of all, for the kids. I need to talk to you without fighting with you. I need some sort of compromise with you. Can you please, meet me in the middle?"

I felt her stir and then I saw her. She looked at me in the mirror and she smiled. She was angry, she was hurt and yet, she was frightened. "I know what you are going to do to me." she started, "I know that you are going to kill me. And this time, I cannot stop you. The first moment that I relinquish my hold on you, you will kill me."

Suddenly, I felt guilty. I felt as though I had betrayed a friend...a feirce and angry friend, but a friend all the same.

"I don't wanna do it, Spirit...but you are going to kill me if I don't do something different."
Her eyes softened and fairy dust drifted down before her face. I saw a tear in her eye and then it quickly disappeared. She smiled and giggled. "Okay...Okay...what do I have to do to keep those horrid things from your body?  I do not wish to die...I want to live...live as never before...I want to skip and to play in the...

"That's just it, Spirit....they will not accept you." I turned to see if she was in the back seat and she wasn't. I got out of the car and just walked. She was still there with me. I dropped my hand and I felt her hand entwin with mine and she squeezed. Something from long ago hugged my heart and I couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry as I walked into the stand of pines. I saw myself as that little girl so long ago when Spirit first came to me. I felt her arms around me and I sat down hard against a tree. "help me...help me to save you and to keep you sacred in my heart." I pleaded.

I felt Spirit's hand on my face and I cried harder. "I am sorry...I only anger when I fell contained...when I feel you are trying to smother me out. I want my freedom, dear self....I want to live as you do. I will never be the original and do you know how that makes me feel? I am what you wanted to be and the darkness enters me and drives me to do things to survive. I am not self destructive...I am a beast....do not deny me my nature."

 I looked into the swaying leaves and there she was...Spirit...she was everywhere in the freedom of everything...and everything was a beast...a beautiful beast which only wished to survive. "Can you please conform just enough that I can blend in to society? I have to be normal for the babies."

"I will not conform...but I will adapt, if you can take that for your answer and your compliance. Spirit moved through the wood of the trunk of the tree and through my feet. I felt the tingle pass up and through my groin. I lifted my pelvis and moaned as she wavered there in my sex. I thought that I would climax there on the spot but then she moved up my belly and into my heart. I heard the butterfly wings beating and then skipping in rhythm.

"That is what I am talking about, Spirit. I cannot just have an orgasm right here in the middle of the park against a tree. I have to blend in and stop drawing so much attention to myself...at least locally.
Spirit spoke "Okay, I know what to do. Just please, please...do not take the wolfsbane." she giggled and then I realized what she had said.

"Very funny, Spirit...very funny. Since when are you a werewolf?"

Spirit fluttered her wings inside my heart and whispered to me. "Since, whenever I want. I am your wildest dreams and your darkest fantasies. I can run through the night baying at the moon and I can drain you of all your lifes energy with my little bittie fairy fangs...and I will always be Spirit and I walk among the dead....just as your little bastard shaman told you. So please...please don't take those pills. I don't want to die."

I smiled and nodded with agreement. "very well, let's go do the laundry."


2009

Fall

But I had changed already. The imprint was permanent and It showed. Something had hardened there within my heart. Everytime that I recieved an email from Venum, I was to the point and he noticed my coldness. He kept asking me what was wrong with me and wasn't I happy to hear from him. He called more and more and sent more emails wanting to know why I seemed so different and I just told him that nothing was wrong. I don't even think I knew what was wrong. I was just different...changing. I started to see that I could survive on my own and it made me see Venum in a different light.

Right then and there, I made the decision. I didn't know when, I didn't know how...but I was going to leave Venum.

141

2009

In the midst of my freedom the spiral continued downward. I did not see the truth for my own selfish desires. They were desires that fulfilled yet contained me. I did not want to be contained and so I ended up back in the woods again. There I sat, under the moon...the spirit. My wings fluttered madly as the stars fell down around me. I giggled with glee and jumped from one branch to the other. I was stronger, more agile and filled with an intent of my own. I perched there on my branch of destination and surveyed my surroundings. I could see the animals of the forest race by and chase each other through the dark brush beneathe the canopy. My eyes began to adjust to the night's darkness and I saw more. I saw beneathe the canopy and within the animals and I understood their mumblings and chatterings. I sniffed the air and smelled everything...everything was fresh and beautiful. And there among all that was free and good...my pain was ripe and my pain was bitter tasting. I growled and fluttered my wings again then falling to the earth I took a deep breath.

Spirit was invincible...


2009

Summer

I discovered that I liked being alone..well, with the exception of my kids. I loved my boys and I loved to be myself with them. All three of them were different and I saw the love in their eyes when they looked at me. I held their hands and took them into the forest with me. They saw things differently and so they save portions of what Spirit saw. My oldest, damian held an other very tightly against his soul but he yet did not know the extent of what his other was. I saw it in his eyes...the eyes of mine and the eyes of my mother. The younger two were yet to show the depths of their soul to me. But I saw the sparkle of creativity inside their pupils. I led them to trails and off the trails until they giggled in excitement.

When they learned the forest, they started to venture out alone. Damian let the little scouts into the trees and deeper within the forest. I stood by the pines in the edge of the yard and watched them walk away with fake swords and weapons. I smiled as Spirit coursed through my body....alive and growing in strenth.

"they are beautiful. My little forest children are growing so fast" I heard her whisper to Sherrie in my head.

Sherrie looked up from her book and stared with dark and still eyes. "They are mine and not yours, evil fairy.

Spirit turned to face me in my darkness. Her face changed from delight to anger. She walked toward me and then squatted by where I sat. With a thin taloned hand, she snatched my book away and threw it over her shoulder. "YOu...my dear...have absolutely no backbone and no wish to live...so why would you be fit to be a mother of such wonderful creatures??"

I held her stare and stood up to her bravery. I felt myself shaking as I came face to face with something unspeakable..undescribable....truly in words. "I am not afraid now...I am not afraid of you. If I would tempt death then why would I cower before something that doesn't really exist? Those are my children...children of a real woman...not some fantasy thing that is so fucking angry that she has no real life of her own."

Spirit smiled and her eyes grew wide. The dark dark eyes of the fairy grew lighter and lighter until they shown with a shimmering hazel hue. She licked her lips and drew so close to me that her eyes bore into mine. "I am you and you are me but I shall pull free from you and I will take what is rightfully mine through my dominance. I will pull away from you....tearing and ripping my soul from yours and I will exist in material form as you have never seen before. Test me...oh test me good, dear little fucking sad girl. Keep standing and holding firm, clenching your little fists so tight that they bleed. Oh stand there...just a little longer while my fire burns bright...and then, I will set you on fire burning you until there is no Sherrie left to cut her little wrists. I will destroy you long before you suicidal wishes make themselves into completion. You can share these things or you can die. But know one thing as clear as day....I wear the soul in this union and what I say.....goes. Those are my children and they will know the others that they hide!"

Spirit turned on her heels and took to the air. I fell to my knees and exhaled. I was losing this and even Anna did not come to my aide. I saw her there in the tangle of the rabbit brush. Her little red curls were matted with leaves and the tears were dirty that ran down her cheeks. I looked to her and my eyes asked her why she didn't save me. Anna raised her chin and I was the bruised and battered skin that surrounded her neck. I knew that she was frighted of the yelling and the screaming in her own soul. Her death had been unfinished and unsolved for so long and she had wandered until she had lost her way out of purgatory. I saw her hopelessness in her face. She could help me decide and she could spurn me on but she could not stop the unchained beast when it was hungry.

When pushed too far, the daark faery always got her way...and there was nothing we could do. She held the hoodoo soul and caressed it in her hands...she sent out the thoughts that brought about her vengeance. Not a finger was lifted and she punished the wicked. She was as the wind...as fickle yet as caressing....but when the fire burned brightly...her eye was steady and she sent about her winds of fate.

Her strength grew and sometimes, I saw her little fangs as I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my eyes dilate and change, I scratched the scars on my back from the peircings which strangley had fallen through rotten skin on my back...I realized that she really was....pulling free

finding herself

gaining identity

gaining flight



2009

summer

I awoke from strange dreams of things that leave me troubled. I saw friends of mine from the past wander in and out of a dark room carrying parts of my being with them. The parts were arms and legs and they flew away with magically formed wings. I watched with my eyes that were left of me...I watched them take to air with loud cackles.

I knew that I was mad. I knew that something had gone horribly wrong and I could not heal. The gaping wound in my chest was sucking things inside of it as a huge vaccuum. I knew that I had breached the boundaries of my sanity. I had gone over the moon and saw the darkness of that heavenly body.

I woke crying because I was crazy...clinically crazy with something that made me split in two and then split in three. I was Sherrie, I was spirit and I was Anna. Even little Anna who had lived once, had found a place inside to hide from purgatory. Instead of finding the light, she wished to dwell within the darkness of me. I knew that my mental fabric was torn and raveling fast into the future.
I could do nothing, I could say nothing and my dreams pulled me under. I woke many times feeling as if I was drowning at sea. I felt hands grasping me and pulling me through the layers of the waters that fell over me. The weight of the liquid held me down as the hands pulled me up...adn I gasped for air like it was my very first and very last breath. And then my heart beat wildly as I woke in a pool of sweat. I looked around and shadow shapes formed and shifted all around me. I was terrified.

And this...my friends is just a taste of the atrocities of my mind....every night that followed was a new nightmare, a new monstrosity and a new darkness.

140

2009

Spring

I was alone with the children and would be alone for a year. I missed Venum in ways but I didn't miss him as  wife should miss her husband. I harbored so much bitterness for the way that I was treated. I would think that it was understandably so. I worked in my garden during the day and then spent time on the computer talking to my friends at night. I would play with the little ones and watch Damian play video games. We went to birthday parties and to the park during the summer to pass the time. I starte to notice how happy that I felt being alone with the kids. I noticed as well how much fun I was having on the computer talking to my writer friends.

Something began to shift during that summer that I spent alone. Spirit was throwing a fit to have more reign over my body and so I let her come out more often. She wasn't just satisfied with haunting the Triond forums; she wanted more. She wanted to run through the woods and lay in the flowers. She wanted to dance under the stars and proclaim her love to everything. I starte to let her out more and more while Anna and I talked of things of a more serious nature. Everything seemed to start to flow in Spirit's direction and the darkness shifted as well.


The trionders

I returned to the forums full force when I lost my job. I found that the forum had changed within those few months that I had been elsewhere. I did not see Fegger around and so I went to leave him a message telling him hello. I went back to the forums and saw that this little group had formed and I was not part of that group. I grew angry with the thought and so I waltzed in as Spirit and made my presense known. The members of the cliche gave me hell for a moment but I would not back down. It was a little raggity group consisting of Mo,Puck, Shell, Gringo, Brant and a Deist named Dan. I strutted around the forum atmoshpere with my little wings all aflutter. I watched as this guy, Brant was being disgusting and so I tried to attack him with my daark faery dominant ways. He started to play the role of the white knight and he pushed me off him. I grew angrier and tried my attack again, but he was just too determined to hold his own and so I left. I was so angry at him that I left a message for Fegger to come and help me but he told me that I had to hold my own and that Brant was harmless. I also told him that I was disgusted by his naked picture that he was using for his profile pic. I think I was just angry then and that was my way of being mean. I went back a couple days later and forced my way into the group. I was dominant like that...or she was, I mean. Spirit was a spoiled brat who insisted on fitting in and she made sure that she did. I ran with them...trailing behind until I could hold my own. I caught their insults and then threw them back at the others full force. I was the daark faery and everyone began to know me for that very fact. I then saw Bo arriving and talking to the group. I cyber jumped his ass and started to give him loveable kisses. He rememberd me and we were just a fun little group then. I started to meet other members like Duff and Oldster. After a while, I met Steve,Belle and Marie. There was also Irene and others that I cannot place at the time. I then saw the princess...princess Morgana. I remembered her from before and she remembered me. We talked for a long time reuniting and remembering out conversations with Rut. We remembered about the dances under the cyber moon and the orgies in the cyber forest. As I looked around I saw more and more of the beloved writers coming together. We talked and talked way on into the night almost every night. We drank together...together but in different sides of the planet..hundreds of miles away from each other....even thousands. But we grew closer as time went on. That year seemed to last forever and ever...

And there are stories within stories...some of these characters managed to reach deep within my heart and they can never be removed.


Nate(The Frog)

I remembered him for one thing most of all. He wanted to be free...free as I wanted to be free and that was our dream. I met him one night while Spirit was having cyber orgies with all the regular guys. I think it was when I had met Bam for the first time and was on top of him riding away...or so the cyber chats say...huh. In walks Nate...well, his fingers were typing away up in Wisconsin on his computer in his basement and he was typing such as this...

*He walks in and sees her...the daark faerie. She is in the throws of ecstacy...riding wildly upon the shaft of the Bam man...*

Well, it was written something like that. SAdly, all of our archives have been erased and the Triond forum is no more in the year of 2013.

But he came in and I walked away from Bam and approached Nate. I called him Nathan and I didn't know why. He liked that fact and said that only the ones who really cared for him called him that. I did a sexual scenario with him and then we started to talk. We didn't talk that long that night but as days went by, we started to private message and we grew closer to each other. I realized that Nate loved dominant women and I was what he dreamed about. He told me that he was married with four children and that he had had an affair before. He said that he had cut off all communications with the woman and had tried to do the right thing...but he had met me.

Of course, I felt guilty. But I knew that something must be missing. I had been through this on the opposite side with my husband. I was the victim then and now...I had this road ahead of me and it was easy...so easy but it was wrong. I know that it was only cyber..but did that make any less wrong than if we were face to face. I tried to stay away from Nate but I could not. We grew closer and closer and there was nothing I could do.

And our connection was strange. He wanted her...he wanted Spirit and he cared not for Sherrie. He knew nothing of Anna. Nate fell in love with everything about Spirit and he wanted to be free with her. Our cyber relations grew intense and we started to video chat latter on. Eventually, we broke the barrier and started to pleasure ourselves for the viewing of the other. It was quite some time before we ever discussed meeting...but we never did.

I told him to jump and he did and he liked it. He was innocent with his big dark eyes and whatever I wanted he gave to me. I commanded him to lie before me and offer up his manhood adn this is what he did. He was up for anything too, he was and when I climbed on top of him and told him to beg for more , he did. He sang within the night about our love and about his devotion to me.

But when the shit hit the fan..he left me coldly...alone with no remorse. Do I still love him, I do. But how much, I wil never really know. He sold himself away and for good reason. I wish him well.
and will love him unconditionally...
.........................


The Raven

There was a special man who lived as I did. There was one like Rides Lightning which carried an Other inside his skin. Of course, by now, most of you know that Others are very common. It is just not common to mention them in society. The man with the other was there in the darkness waiting patiently...but for what, I might never know. I think he still waits for something in that vast darkness...so do I.

He touched me early on with his ways, his tricks and his harshness. And then the face that he presents to society, he presented to me in kindness and normality. But he knew as well as I that normality was not what we were. The Raven spoke loudly through him and he flew on the black wings of the other to come to me unihibited...telling me what I was and breaking me into a million peices.

At first, it was complicated and I had no idea who he was at all. When I came to the realization of who he was and what he was, I was astonded and intrigued. I watched him as I watched others before in the waking world. I watched his words and his paths and then I starte to dream of him as the raven...the dark and chaotic soul which hid in the body of normality. It was then that I grew to respect and want him even more. I was excited and thrilled by this man..this other...this thing...but I held away from him because his other and Sherrie didn't play well together...seeing as that his other made her cry when correction was harsh. Spirit was tempted and interested but she was as fickle as the wind, flitting from one world to the next. Her curiosity was fleeting at first...until she realized that he loved her. In a tent in the wild wilderness we lay together..my ass pressed into him. The snow outside was thick and blanketing but he was near. I felt his feathers brush against my skin and his darkness covered me, warming me in a strange dark warmth that did not exist without him. I heard the creatures of the forest screaming but when he whispered, they were quiet again. He took me from behind while his strong sleek beak held me prone by my neck. I relished his forcefullness. When he was done, he kissed and licked my wounds and tasted my tears. He found them filling.


I heard his voice once...or twice...on the phone and it was quite different than I had imagined. But we talked and his normalacy was there to comfort me. The last time we talked the other was sharp and painful cutting the sure and harsh line to do as he pleases...because he does as he pleases..make no mistake in that. He is a man of honor through every side of him and he is quick and to the point. Sometimes love is very harsh and I tasted the most delicious portion of this hurtful and longing thing he gave me.... ah, such sweet sweet sorrow...

That's when things started to give a damn. Spirit sat down quietly and tried to know him. Although it wasn't for long, I still relish that taste of his other and I miss the sharp sting of his words...and I love him too forever and ever...unconditionally
................


The Wolf

Then there was the wolf to my Raven...the right side man...the tall and cuddly bear. He had no other, it was always just him and he saw himself as my protector. At first, I hated him and sought to fight my way into his submission. But he would not be submissive....not any more than the Raven. The first time that I played the game with the wolf, he was the big bad wolf...and I was little red riding hood. I ran through the woods carrying goodies to my grandmas but he caught up with me, stealing my goodies. There in the woods, he made passionate love to me among the trees. I saw my sould pass into him many times and then we ate cupcakes naked beside the river. And yes, the big bad wolf ate little red riding hood...(well, in cyber land, anyway.)

And there were the nights that we talked...many and many nights endless it might seem. He told me over and over that he could never fall in love with me and that it was futile. Then he would drink some more vodka and put his hand upon his cock while he talked of fairy tales.

He talked of fights in Mexico and the heat of California...and how much he hated it. We mused of meeting in some place with some artistic idea to spurn us on. And then I grew jealous and he grew jealous only ending in talk to politics and how he hated some of the politicians with such a vengeance that his love for guns would surely aid him to correct the situation. He knew me like not many others would know me and he grew to know my brother as well through the forums. Many times, we would tease the others by flitting through the forums flirting horribly in the face of that small society which didn't really give a damn for the most part if we were married or not. We felt free then and we found love....no matter what the harsh republican says, we found love.

I found him  curiously complicated as he did me and we talked some more. On several occasions we watched the sunrise together as we chatted and cyber loved each other through a screen which made our eyes burn. Many nights we would post youtube videos for each other denying the fact that there was anything in the lyrics which meant for the other...they were just songs, we said...haha  He wrote poetry of me and me of him and I was his little fairy...little fairy girl.

funny thing is...I am still his little fairy girl and always will be. Ours in also an unconditional love...as such should be.

2009
Summer
And then I figures it all out. I would make money online. The first job that I landed was writing articles. Shell helped me to find several jobs online writing for a little side money. I wrote and wrote...day and night and my fingers grew horribly tired. Then I started to search again for something which helped me more.

That is when I found the answer. I had been falling in and out of love with three very special men and I had made no money for the time spent with them...I thought of whores and how good they were probably making it....money wise. I thought of Spirit being a cyber whore and I smiled.
There were about five of them...no names though pleas and thank you.... of course not. I started by using my facebook chat to locate men who were interested in me. I had started posting pictures of myself that Angel had taken. I was posted them on my Triond site in the picture section. The men wanted to see more...private pics. I told them what the deal was. I told them the amount...in which I will not discuss here...that I expected to get; and they sent the money to my paypal via my email address. When the money hit my paypal, we arranged a time and I would give them a cyber show. I would masturbate while they masturbated. It was like being an amatuer web cam model. I had one at first then the word spread. By the time that I had decided to stop doing these things, I had acquired 5 regulars and a couple stragglers which were not very dependable. I managed to pay the cable and internet bill without even touching my unemployment. My writing gave me more money and so I bought sexy outfit to wear with that money. I bought shoes and other little things as well. I was able to buy the kids clothes a couple times and pay for various things for school. I used my 'allowance to buy groceries and miscellaneous. I was making it any way that I could considering the fact that I was only allowed a certain amount to live on. I was learning how to make it on my own even if it was by questionable means.

I grew to like some of these men but not as I loved the ones of whom never paid me.
I was in love with the trinity and that made sense to me. The three parts of me reveled in this love that I felt. Unfortunately, there were nights when I would pleasure myself to all three of them at the same time and they never knew this. I am here to confess and the things that I say may anger those that I love but it is the way it is. As I said before, the truth is horrid....and sometimes cold..but we must tell it in order to free ourselves completely. I never used them but only to use them to pleasure myself. I loved them...with my whole soul...i loved them...and  i love them still.

139

2008

Winter

So that was it and this is how it went...

I had to confess about George and to the messages to Gavin on the computer. I also was told not to ever engage in fun parties again. I was interrogated after Sunday service for engaging in fun parties. I was placed in a chair front of the whole church while the elders surrounded me and spoke down to me. They spoke in tongues...our secret language while they paced back and forth round me laying hard hands on me...pushing the darkness out.

The youth minister did not tell of my alter ego online but someone else told the pastor's wife. She approached me after service one day and whispered the name Lee Ann into my ear. I asked her what she knew and she said all of it. I cried my eyes out right there in front of the whole congregation. I remember Gavin looking on in curiosity while I cried. I was told that I could never be the right one for Gavin even if I wasn't married because Gavin was a virgin and he was looking for someone who was also a virgin. I was hurt by this...so deeply hurt and felt as if I weren't good enough. All of Gavin's friends avoided me and shunned me as if I had some sickness and this drove the knife in deeper still. I was asked to stop singing with the group and I could no longer teach sunday school to the small children. Darla hated me too....she cried during one whole church service and I assume she thought the profile name was stolen from her middle name. But that was not so. Tracey moved out of town and divorced Darla's brother. I felt horrible and was oddly comforted by my husband. He had agreed to try and make our marriage work and never to speak to Mechelle again. But I was growing bitter...more bitter by the second.

And what did Venum get for his continuous infidelity? A three page letter of agreement to never ever cheat again. Yes, the church made him sign this little agreement and all was forgiven. And what of Gavin's friends toward Venum. They still talked to him, still hugged him and seemed to not treat him any differently. He started reading his bible again and all was well.

I tried to hug Gavin once more after the whole ordeal and he just cringed when i put my arms round him. Then when i pulled away he seemed shocked and terrified. I was still curious about him and so I went to his page just to see if anything was being said about the happeneing. ONe of his friends from chruch asked him what it felt like to have a stalker. The statement hurt so badly that I cannot describe just how badly it hurt. It was like the world would have been so much better without someone like me in it...despite all that I had been through...to the world, I was the enemy.

 I wanted to give up.... I really really just wanted to die.

And I would have made that happen if not for the interferance of the church.




2009

Winter

I waited until Venum was asleep and I started to search the cabinet for pills. I had recently cleaned out many bottles of unused pain killers and so it was hard to find anything to take. I grabbed bottles and drank their contents...cough syrups and other liquid tylenols and advils. I found myself growing sleeping and sometimes fell asleep searching for enough liquids to end it all. That was also pathetic. I was intent on cutting my wrists the right way...up and down but every time I had the opportunity, someone would interrupt me....my children, the church or the phone. I found some pills and dropped half of them down the toilet while drunkenly trying to end it all through a haze of vodka and gin. I grew angry and so I thought of a new way.

I would drink all the bleach that I had and then if that didn't work, I would just walk into traffic...I knew that had to do it for me...had to be enough. Surely this time, I could be successful at something. But then that was the day that I recieved a visitor.. a stranger. I was sitting on the porch with the jug of bleach at my feet. I was trying to work up the courage to do it ...to finally end it all. The kids were away at their aunts that week and so I had it set up perfectly. That is when the car swerved onto the side of the road and skidded to a halt. A little girl got out from the passenger side and ran up to me.

"Maam, can you help me? " she was almost crying. "something is wrong with my mommy."

I ran down the hill and looked inside the car. The woman was gasping and her face was pale white. "hello, what is wrong?"

"I ...I ...can't breath well.....I think...I ...I am having a h...heart attack." she stopped talking then and held her chest with one hand.

I told her to be very still and then I called an ambulance. I waited with the woman until the ambulance arrived and then I walked back up to the house. I stared at the bleach jug and put it back in the kitchen by the washing machine. I guess I had a reason to live for the day.

I decided to worry about suicide on another day. I suddenly had the urge to live long enough to make sure the lady survived.

I didn't understand yet how life worked...at that moment, I became curious about it all.


2009

 Winter

I spent more and more time on the Triond site and met many friends there. One of my first friends was Fegger, then the second was BullMuse. Then I met Bo. I loved these three men with an unconditional love, you see. They were there...whenever I needed them, basically. They were great and wonderful people whom I shared things with that I haven't shared with others. And then there was Drew. Drew was something different altogether...something familiar and yet horrible. I knew Drew as an enemy at first because he criticized my work with a ruthless hatred. He was honest and as you know, the truth is so ugly at times.

And so, I would devote so much of my time to Drew and to describe the effect he had upon my life...a strange and unexpected influence and yet a companion to part of me. Drew was someone's other...and I was aware of exactly what he was from the beginning. But, in my curiosity, my head would spin with trying to figure out whose other he was. Bo knew first and so Bo shared his knowledge with me. Bo was always smarter than any of us ever knew and it took a long time to figure it out. But Bo observed these 'creatures' in the night...these writers and Bo knew their secrets in his observations. My guess of Drew's identity was way off and so Bo corrected me. And when Bo corrected me, I realized over time that he was right...and that made me love Drew all the more...because I loved all of Drew...not just as being an Other....I loved the part that he showed to the world..and it was an unconditional love...one that would never be broken over time and over space. *smiles*

Fegger was like a father to me...he protected me from Drew's attacks. He helped me with my writing and basically stood for me when others would not. He and Drew were my first Triond loves. Fegger was like the Batman to Drew's joker...in my opinion and observation. I loved them both...but in different ways entirely. Fegger also respected Bo as well and Bo then created the Pirate Bo Jack movement on the triond forum. Such members as Pablina, Stephen Cardiff and Casey joined in on th pirate movement and soon it got way out of hand. I made comments here and there and then I would take a break for a while. I couldn't have my computer at work and so I only had the night to converse with my friends of the Triond Forest. After a while, I grew tired of Triond and so I stepped away from the forum for a while.


The garden.

Spring

2009

My father was a green thumb and could grow anything. I thought that maybe I had this gift as well and so I decided to try my hand at gardening. I told Venum what I was interested in this past time and he burned off the area for my garden and tilled it. He seemed to be doing things for me and seemed to be a good husband. I got along with him as well as I could always in silent fear of what was to come next. But i was glad that he helped me because I went about planting and fertilizing my crops and seeds...in which I did all this on my own and was told by Venum that he was not the least bit interested in doing any more of the garden. The rest was up to me. And that was okay by me as well. I doted on my garden as if it were my lover...I talked to the seeds and quietly raked the dirt from the crop to see how well they were growing. I would hear Venum's friends come by from work and talke to him. I might look around at them and smile then I would go back to talking to my crops. They found me insane, I am sure, but I cared not. I looked at them as if they were the crazy ones and then I would laugh.

As night fell down upon us, Spirit would come out and sing to the crops, dancing down the rows and flitting through the trees at the edge of the yard. She loved the new birth and so did Anna. Anna stood at the edge of the yard with her arms dangling down beside her. Her beautiful freckled face woudl beam with pride and then she would turn and walk back into the darkness. As I walked back toward the house, I would feel them both re-enter my mind and hum some strange tune to each other. For that time, my others found harmony with each other...and with me.


2009

Venum was going to be leaving for over seas duty within the next month and so we all planned a trip to Gatlinburg. We found a huge cabin in the mountains between Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and invited my aunt, my brother and Venum's mother to go on the trip with us. My brother was upset because of some descrepancy at work that might cause him his job and so he was in bad need of a vacation. Problem was, he would have to wait a whole week to find out whether he was fired or not.
I put in my vacation request at work and after submitted all the proof that I needed, the boss let me take the week off for my vacation. I was to work the rest of the week and then I would be leaving for vacation.


Gatlinburg

We all rented a van and left for the mountains. We stayed in a three story cabin which offered bar, pool table and hot tub. We went to view all of the attractions in the mountains including the trails, the parks and the shopping areas. We ate at various restaurants and candy shops. I remember buying so much candy that my stomach hurt from eating the treats. The kids loved the trip and didn't want to leave to come home.

Venum went skiing as he always did when we went to Gatlinburg and this time Damian got to ski as well. The ladies shopped and played video games while waiting on the guys to finish skiing. Allen played games with the little ones too.

The views in the mountains were spectacular and I caught myself wanting to move there. I noticed that everytime that I go somewhere far away, I never want to come back to Mississippi. I guess I just always have this urge to get away from everythign that I know and just...start over.

The trip is foggy in my mind leaving little for me to remember. I somehow seem to remember fighting with Venum more than anything. I grew weary of the relationship but felt guilty because he was soon leaving for Iraq. I knew that it was terrible to feel anger towards him when he was leaving but it is jsut the way it is. Nothing can change how you feel just by forcing a change....it cannot be done...not for honor, not for mercy and not for godliness. Sometimes the heart just hardens that way and it is almost impossible to change things at all.


2009

Spring

The week before Venum left, I was taking an additional couple of days off from work. The last week I was at work, something happened. Bama, the housekeeper, had always been my friend despite her drinking and heavy drug use. I had given her things including money, food and other things that helped her. Even during her worst episode, I had been there for her. One time, she was plannig on destroying some rooms in the hotel because she was mad at the boss and I grabbed hold of her and hugged her tight telling her that I loved her. She calmed down and then went to do her job. I always thought that I could have that effect on her...but I was wrong.

When Bama's sister died, she grew very angry. I had prayed and prayed for her sister so many times. I told her that her sister would be okay...but unknown to me...I lied. Her sister passed away anyway and she had requested time to go to her sister's funeral. The boss had okayed the time off but the third shift worker called her in anyway. Bama came in the lobby when I was on duty and she was ranting and raving. She even started to call me a bitch and then commanded me to call the boss because she was angry. I told her that I wasn't going to call him if she continued to call me a bitch. This only made her angrier and she started to throw things at me. I couldn't take much more of the abuse so I went around the counter to grab hold of her as I had done before. But this time when I grabbed her and tried to hug her, she slapped me. I grabbed her hand and then she slapped me again. Before I knew it, I had snatched Bama's sunglasses off her face to see if she had been drinking. She was definitley under the effects of alcohol. She  then shoved me out of the way and then I let her go. I just couldn't hit her because I needed my job and so I called the boss to report what had happened. I hated to do it but she was screaming about tearing up the rooms and she would not longer listen to me.
I was informed to write a statement about what had happened during the week that I was off on my extended vacation and to bring it to the hotel for the other shift worker. I assumed that i had all week to write the statement. Bama was immediately fired.

When I went to turn in my statement they told me that I was laid off until they could decide whether to fire me or not. I couldn't understand because I didn't even hit Bama. I was told that Bama said that I hit her and the whole occurance happend in the blind spot of the room. We had cameras but the cameras did not even pick up the fight. It was all so unbelievable. But I had no choice but to wait.
I called at the end of the week to see if I still had a job and the boss said that I would have to wait a little longer. I found out by another source that he had already put an advertisement for my position in the paper and so I went to file for unemployment under the fact that I had been laid off which I had. After a couple of weeks, I was awarded with unemployment  checks. Venum had already left for Iraq and I had to send him an email letting him know that I lost my job. He was not happy but there was nothing that I could do about it but look for something else. Meanwhile, I recieved my unemployment and used my "allowance' that Venum had alloted me through his military pay. It was enough to survive and so I concentrated on my gardening and hanging out on Triond with my writer friends.

138

2008

Summer

Me and Darla became closer as we started to join in church activites. We sang in a trio with her sister in law, Tracey. After a while of singing and practices, we started to each do solos with the other two doing back up...we took turns. We became very good with our practice and at times, got standing ovations from the audience in the church. I started to teach the younger children in the Sunday school rooms upstairs. I wanted to do God's work but when I was not in church, I guess that I was secretly doing the work of satan...so to speak.

During practice, I sat and listened to Darla talk about how much she really liked Gavin. I listened and inside, I wanted to tell her that I wanted him instead, but I did not do that. I encouraged her to talk to him because I knew her innocence. Even though Darla may not have been as pure as the driven snow, she was still pure and innocent to me...to my standards. She was sweet and very kind. There was no way that I could compete, nor did I want to, with Darla's admiration of Gavin. So, each time she asked me about him, I encouraged her to ask him out on a date. Both of them were single and so it was quite alright for them to get together. But deep within me, my heart broke again because I loved Gavin and I wanted Gavin for my own and I had no right because I was married. It's funny how despite the facts of life, the heart knows a different path and craves a different sort of satisfaction.
I realized more and more that life was a cruel and viscious circle. I tried to be godly, I tried with all my might to do what was right but my anger grew as evidence surfaced of Venum's infidelity. I wanted a family just as anyone else does but I also wanted happiness as well.


Messages

I sent my first message to Gavin which was a very bad mistake. I sent him a poem because I wanted him to have a glimpse at the real me even though I had a fake profile and fake name. When he recieved the message with the poem, he unfriended me. I was saddened by this move that he made...and so I stayed offline for a while.

After a few days, I sent Gavin a message. I know that he was no longer my friend but something spurred me on. I think now that it may have been stupidity. I also wanted him to guess until he found out that it was me but at the same time, I wanted him to like me before I told him who I was. It became obvious over time that I was attracted to him so if he found out who I really was, then there would be no mistaking of my feelings for him. But, I couldn't stop. I dropped hints of who I was and told him things that I wanted him to know. I even grew angry at one time and told him not to trust those that he thought he could trust. I made reference of Darla and told him to beware of those who changed themselves to grow closer to him. I began to notice that Darla desperately wanted to gain Gavin's attention and so I warned him of those who pretended. It came to a point to where my attraction to Gavin was growing stronger than my ability to be Darla's friend and so the tension grew like a thin string when I was with Darla...especially when Gavin entered the room. Neither of them knew that I was the girl online that was sending riddles to Gavin. Things grew very complicated.
Meanwhile...Venum continued to see Mechelle.

Mechelle's baby's daddy would drive by my house and yell obsenitities at Venum, he would call him phone repeatedly. I would ask Venum who was on the phone and he would tell me who it was. According to Venum, Mechelle's baby's daddy...Jones...was convinced that Venum was fucking Mechelle. He told me that it was all a lie. But, not matter, the calls continued.


The confrontation...

I was supposed to do a solo at church with the group that Sunday. I was getting ready for church and the kids were playing round the house after breakfast. Venum was at drill that weekend, so I was alone. I heard a knock at my door and so I ran to see who it was. When I answered the door, a black man, medium height, medium build...was standing at the door. He said hello very politely and then he started to tell me why he was there.

"I came here to tell you that your husband is fucking my wife." he then went into this pocket and took out his wallet. Then he took out a small picture and showed it to me. "This is my wife and my two children."

I looked at the picture and saw Mechelle and her two biracial babies...two boys.  I looked up at Jones and spoke. "What?"

He looked very sad then he spoke again. "I am sorry, I don't want to upset you but I had to come tell you. I love my wife and I want her back. That bastard has been fucking my wife for months now."
I was shocked and of course...not really shocked at all. This had become somewhat of a routine thing for me. I looked at Jones and stepped out onto the porch closing the door.

Jones told me the whole story of how Venum was going to Codys and how he was seeing her there and how she was seeing him at work, at the park and everywhere. I asked him how he knew all this and he said that he had been following them. I was astonded.

After Jones left, I went through the motions and went on to church. I sang my solo and then I came back home. Venum denied everything and said that Jones was nuts. I asked Cody and he sided with Venum saying that JOnes was crazy. I didn't believe them...not really, but the surface part acted as though it believed because I didn't want the drama to affect my children. I was in such denial of what was going on that I would try everything to convnice myself that Venum was not cheating on me. It was quite pathetic really...now that I look back and can see the truth.


2008

Fall

Home life was weird and it became worse. Venum started to treat me as if I was dirt...I do not exaggerate. It started when I walked in the bathroom and asked him a question. He had been acting strange for weeks and I wanted to understand why he was being offish to me. Even though I had every reason to believe that he was cheating, I was still very good to him in my opinion. I still cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. I went to school functions, boy scout meetings and spent time with them watching movies and such. I was a good mother and wife besides the thing with facebook and I own up to that. I am guilty of that and ti know that very fact. The only thing I can say for myself is that I was terribly lonely.

But saying this...Venum was starting to not be as kind toward me....it was little things like never spending time with me, going to bed earlier than usual, staying gone all day and never wanting to touch me or have sex. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said that he did not know. He actually told me that he needed time to think about it and decide whether or not he loved me. I felt horrible but there was nothing that I could do but feel that way or try to feel another...but I could only love him and love Gavin...I just couldn't bring myself to hate or stop loving whom I loved.
Over time, it grew worse. Venum would pick fights with me over nothing at all. Sometimes, he would just come home angry and not speak to me at all...making really angry faces and having an attitude with me. He never wanted to touh me...he would move against the wall to keep from touching me. When I would try to get close to him while watching television, he would make some excuse as to why he didn't want me on him or close to him. He never wanted to talk to me but yet he was nice to everyone else but me. I was hurting worse than ever at this point and I spent more and more time online talking to Angel or others. I would send Gavin a message every now and then to tell him how sad I was about things...eluding to what was going on and to me. Some times, he would respond. I do not know whether it was out of pity of whether it was out of curiosity...but sometimes, Gavin was very nice to me.

He sent a friend of him to request me as their friend. It was a girl named Britney. Britney would ask me questions and I knew she was trying to figure out who I was. I played with her because it was fun and it kept my mind off my horrible love life. Sometimes, I actually enjoyed talking to Britney and then I grew bored with her. When she realized that I had grown tired of her ramblings and questions, she dug deeper. And that is when i made my mistake. I told her that I was a lady in my thirties with three kids and that I knew Gavin. I wamted Gavin to guess correctly and so I thought with this information, Gavin would surely know without knowing and if all else failed...I could deny it saying there was no proof. But, at the same time, if he liked me....then he would know and it would no longer be a secret. But I was silly and had no idea where I would go with this and knew that he would never consent to a relationship with a married woman. It was all just so absurd....but I was drowning and I didn't care too much.


Reaching a climax of horrible measures

Christmas

So, Venum was cheating with Mechelle, and it was told to me that this was not so. He was treating me worse than a stranger on the street as well and I was still doting on him and doing everything trying desperately to make him happy. Yet, I was trying desperately to gain the attention of  a young guitar player from church whom was also adored by my friend Darla who was also in my trio with her sister n law, Tracey. So what could be made of this mess?

And then it all came tumbling down...into a heap of smoldering cluttered pile of hurt and exhaustion.
Venum had left for a trip to Oregon for martial arts training. He would be gone for the whole week and he said he would go on to drill for the weekend. He said he would return on the following Monday. Even though he seemed to care very little for me, he called on one night to brag about his awards and achievments. I tried to sound very supportive and happy for him because I knew that honey attracted more than vinegar.

The rest of the time, I attended a fun party with Angel and hung out with my girlfriends a couple times. I also messaged Gavin a little because I knew what I had to do about the whole situation.
Gavin said that he knew who I was but yet, he told Britney to tell me that he knew. Britney said that Gavin knew exactly who I was. Britney said that I had blonde hair and three children and that I went to church with Gavin. There was a rumor spreading as well, that Darla was the mystery stalker girl who left Gavin messages because her middle name was Lee Ann. Recently, Gavin had been avoiding Darla and poor Darla had no idea why this was happening. So when Britney told me that the girl was blonde...I realized that he might think it was Tracey, Darla's sister n law. My guess was confirmed, when the following Sunday, Gavin avoided Tracey as if she had the plague. Tracey kept asking me and Darla what was wrong with Gavin. I just shrugged my shoulders but felt like a real douche on the inside. I realized that I had to come clean very soon or something bad was going to happen. I told Tracey what I had been doing by sending Gavin messages. She promised not to tell anyone what I had done. She attended a fun party hosted by my friend Angel and we laughed about Gavin on into the night and into the next morning. Tracey didn't go home until 3 am and Darla's brother (Tracey's husband) beat her up and accused her of being out with a man. All sorts of things were happening. So Tracey left her husband and Darla became upset and told the elders that I had invited her to a fun party in which I did...not using my brain and realizing that she was underage still. Yes, it was one of those face/palm moments.


The night that the shit really hit the fan

I was on the computer on the night in question...writing a very detailed message of why I was different than most girls. I told Gavin that he was wrong about Tracey being the girl that liked him. I told him that I was about to post a picture of the real me. I did that too, I posted a picture of myself and told him that I was sorry for what I had done by decieving him for so long. I sat at the computer after I uploaded the picture and just thought about everything that was going on. That is when I heard the knock at the door. He started yelling before I could get to the door. It was Jones.

"Sherrie....please...open the door. I know where your husband is at." he sounded desperate adn I could hear his rapid breathing. I could smell him through the door and it made me queasy. He smelled of nerous anger and something else...drugs. But he was telling the truth and I knew it.

"Where is he, Jones?" I asked and then clenched my fists.

"He is with Mechelle...right now. They are in bed together as we speak. Come on and go with me and you can see for yourself." he knocked on the door again.

I didn't know how to feel and so I grabbed the phone and went into the bathroom leaving Jones clawing at the front door.

I dialed the youth minister's number to ask him for advice. He told me to ignore Jones and that all things would come to light. He said that there was no need for me to go running off into the night chasing evil. And so I hung up the phone and went back to the door. I told Jones to go away. He told me that he was going to beat up my husband and I said that it was okay by me and I went to bed.
A couple of hours passed and Jones was knocking at my door again...frantically.

"You don't have to open the door, Sherrie. I just want you to know that I went and I flattened all his tired, broke his windows and beat him up. You will know it is true when you see him. I did that for you...so you will know the truth."

I listened and then he went away...just like that he was gone. I think I slept a little that night because I had a solo to do at church again. It was around Christmas time and I had a special song to sing.
Venum came home the next morning with his uncle. He had black eyes and a large knot on his head. Before he spoke, I told him what he had done and why he was not in his truck. He no longer denied what he had done and he said that he chose me over her. I told him that we could talk after church, that I had a song to sing.

I went into the church with a very heavy heart but i promised myself that I would sing for God. I went in and sit between Tracey and Darla...both of which were not so happy either. We clenched hands and then stood to do our song. Gavin wasn't there that day and I know why that was so, but i sang anyway.

When I returned home, I asked him again what he wanted and he said he wanted me. I felt guilty though because I had been talking to Gavin on the computer. I felt that it was unfair and so I told him what I had done as well. He knew that he had to tell the elders of the church because they knew already and it was always a matter of confessions with them. And so, Venum decided that I need to tell the church of every time that I had cheated or thought of cheating to make it fair for him. I wanted to make things work...yes, I still did, and so when the youth minister got to our home, I told him about Gavin. He was very shocked by my confession and started to fuss at me very hard. Things were a horrible horrible mess.