91

1997

summer

Mother was taking Chemotherapy. The doctors said that she was not a candidate for surgery. The very large tumor was toward the front of her abdomen and the cancerous ones were on major organs. The surgeons could not get to the smaller cancerous tumors because of the location and size of the benign tumor. Mother was always sick at her stomach and she said that food had no taste anymore.
I saw her some on the weekends but sometimes I would just stay at home. Venum's drinking was growing worse and I wanted to be there for him. I know I should have been with my mother more but I just thought that I could help Venum...maybe get him to stop drinking by spending time with him and also...I thought I could keep him out of trouble...keep him alive. I starte to neglect my baby too. When Venum's friend would come over, I would put Damian in his playpen and go outside to get high. It wasn't that I didn't love Damian...I really did. I jsut wanted to be accepted by Venum. I wanted a closer connection with him and so I tried to do some of the things that he did. I wanted to be in the crowd with him and be cool...yeah, just stupid shit. I remember many nights when Damian would cry and I would simply go back inside and pop a pacifyer in his mouth and leave him again. I remember those big brown eyes starring at me with tears clinging to them. He wanted his mother...he wanted me to be with him and spend time with him but I was so far up Venum's ass that I couldnt see what a bad mother that I was becoming. I just stayed out there on that porch with them and hoped that Damian would go to sleep...even when it wasn't even his bedtime.

I went to see my mother less and less for the same reasons. I was a monster....and I was fucking worshipping my husband. It was dispicable.


1997

summer

There was a pasture across the road with cows in it. There was a pasture behind the house with cows in it. There was a trailer park down the road with hicks in it and there was our lovely neighbors who didn't give a shit about us. Every night we would swat off roaches and wake up with them on our mouths, our eyes and around our ears. We would poison them but they just kept coming back. One day when I turned on the stove, several roaches ran up behind the dials trying frantically to get away from the heat. They were everywhere and our next door neighbors didn't seem to mind.

They starte to bite us...the roaches did. I would wake up in the morning and I would be itching horribly. After a couple hours, there would be little brown scabs appearing all over my arms. I started noticing that Damian would wake up with a scream and so I started looking him over. I found the same brown scabs appearing on his soft little flesh. Those things were eating my baby alive. I decided that it couldn't be too soon that we got out of that apartment.

I told the  clinic about the roaches and they told me that we had to leave that apartment or human services would take Damian away. So we tried to speed up the process with looking for a new place.

1997

summer

Things were horrible and I hated myself. I felt so alone...even though I had a baby and a husband. I guess I was very selfish.

I drug the razor blade down my back of my arm. I thought no one would notice it if I put it here. Besides, Venum really never paid that much attention to me unless it was for sex. I drug the razor blade through a second line and winced. The pressure released and the tears started to fall again.

After I had made four lines and let the blood drip down onto the sink; I sat down on the toilet and just felt the pain...the real...the then and now ...of everything. I could feel something that wasn't emotional abuse. I could feel and that is what mattered. I heard Damian waking from his nap and so I wrapped my arm  with some gause and hid it underneath an armband. I had become a master at hiding my descension.

I entered the bedroom with a smile...mask firmly planted upon my face and I lay down next to my son.