90

A recollection from Chez Place

 Before Damian's birth, Venum and I loved to go camping almost every weekend. It was a spur of the moment thing, normally. We would grab a few things and pack just what we needed and head off to Tombigbee or Waldoxie...depending on what mood we were in. Of course Venum would sneak beer onto the camp grounds even though he wasn't supposed to and not to mention the weed we carried on the property as well. My diluted mind never understood some things about weed vs. alcohol. Even though weed was illegal, I still believed it to be better than alcohol. You see, I never really had a hatred for alcohol itself, in fact, I drink now. I just didn't like the way that Venum got violent when he drank. I grew nervous when he took the first bottle or can out and started to open it in front of me. But that is another subject. This little short bit is about something else.

We went to Tombigbee one weekend and was just sitting around getting high and enjoying the July weather when we decided to poke around the campsite for no reason. All of a sudden, two guys who were camped next to us were making a lot of noise around a huge log. We watched them poking about the log and wondered what was goin on. Venum walked up to them and asked them what they were looking at and I tagged along because I was nosey. Apparently, the guys had found a snake and was trying to get it out of the log. Venum volunteered to get the snake free and so I helped him. We used a stick to poke around inside the log until the little copperhead came out. We put her into a garbage can and then when we went home; we put her inside a pillow case. We decided to keep her and we called her Assassain...or Sassy.

ONly a couple months later while Venum was trying to feed her did she bite him. He had lain a dead mouse on his leg to get a better grip on Sassy and then he moved the mouse and laid Sassy on his leg. She smelled the mouse on his knee and she sank her fangs into the muscle on Venum's leg. I freaked out and tried to get him to go to the hospital but he fought me about it. When he started sweating profusely, I made him go. When we got to the hospital all the doctor did was give Venum some pills and send him home. Venum laughed at me and said he told me so and that he didn't need no doctors. He claimed that he was immune to snake venom ...thing is...I think he is.


1996

Christmas

Before I started job hunting after Damian was born; I stayed at home and tried to sneak calls to my mother. Sometimes, It worked and sometimes my brother would tell me that daddy found out and he would yell at her. Finally, daddy started letting moma call me and just before Christmas, daddy agreed to let me come home for the holidays with the baby. But daddy said that he would not allow me to bring my husband. I agreed to go see my parents because I really missed them and they had never seen Damian.

When I arrived for Christmas,daddy wouldn't even look at Damian. He got his guns and went into the woods to hunt. I spent time with mother and enjoyed hearing about what she had been doing all the time that I had been away. When daddy came home later on, he would sneak looks over at Damian but at first he wouldn't touch him. Finally, daddy came over and tickled Damian's belly and that made Damian squeal. At that moment, my father smiled and squatted down next to the couch where Damian lay. He played with him until we had to go back to Tupelo.


1997

Early Summer

I don't know exactly what the fight was about but I do know that it was about Venum's drinking and violence. I rememeber beggin him not to drink that day because I wanted to take Damian to the park and push him around in his stroller. Venum started drinking and then got behind the wheel to take us to the park. We went to two different parks that day and I was scared and miserable by his drinking with me and the baby's safety at stake. I remember trying to talk to him about not drinking so much and he just got madder and madder. By the time he took us back home, he could barely drive. He told us to get out of the car and that he was going back out. I was upset and crying and so I didn't immediately get Damian out. Venum got out of the front seat and took Damian out of the car, car seat and all. He grabbed my arm and drug me out of the car and pushed me away from him.  He told me that he was done with me and he wanted all of Damian's stuff out of his car. He was talking about divorce and how I should find somewhere else to go. He said that I should probably go back home and live with my parents. He forced me out of the car and then he left. He was very drunk and so I was worried that something might happen to him.

Venum returned later on and he was still talking about wanting me gone....me and Damian. Then his mind changed violently and he starte to talk about suicide. He said that he just wanted to die and that he was going to go back out and try to wreck the car. I begged and pleaded with him to stop talking about such things. I got down on my knees and cried at his feet. I remember that I said I was sorry for judgin him, I said I was sorry for trying to tell him what to do  and I was just sorry. I didn't say it then, but I was the one who wanted to die. I felt so hopeless and I could hear Damian screaming for me and Ignored him because I was crying at Venum's feet. Venum left again and then I called my aunt to come and try to talk Venum out of killing himself. My poor aunt drove all the way from Memphis because she was scared. Venum returned just as my aunt was pulling in the driveway. While she was there, he seemd to calm down and listen to her. He smiled and talked as if he felt sorry for how he had acted. For a moment, I thought everything was going to be okay. When my aunt went to bed, he looked at me and said...

"Don't think your little trick worked on me. I still want you out of here."

Venum was still kind of drunk but the words terrified me and so I begged him quietly hoping my aunt wouldn't wake up and hear us. After begging and pleading, he finally said whatever and passed out. Damian was fast asleep with my aunt who had taken charge when she had arrived.


1997

early summer

When Venum and I fought, it was horrible. For days afterwards, he would drop hints of my moving out. He would move things around and he wouldn't touch my stuff. He wouldn't hold me at night in the bed and he would barely talk to me. If I tried to touch him or hug him, he would push me...sometimes pushing me down.  He would only do certain things for Damian but not much. Sometimes he would even say that it was okay if I took the baby away because he was too young to remember him anyway. To me, it seemed like he didn't really want to be a dad at all. My heart broke so many nights on so many occasions that it seems so unreal. I remember lying awake and thinking about what I could do to make him happy. I prayed and prayed but it seemed like he knew when I prayed and it would make him madder. IN fact, on one occasion, he told me that very thing. He said if he found out I was praying for him he would make sure he did exactly what I didn't want him to do. I live vicariously...walking on pins and needles for Venum. I would cook, clean, take care of Damian and work but it wasn't enough. I had no idea what he wanted from me.