79

1995

Fall

Venum managed to get a job behind Chez Place at the Shell station. He would be working first shift and I would continue to work at the plant on second shift. Things were changing again...and as you must know by now..change was not easy for me. We planned to talk to each other on my breaks when he would page me. We both had pagers and we would alert each other when we wanted to talk and the other one would get to a pay phone and make the call. That was the way before cell phones...that was the way we were able to talk during this time. While I was at work, Venum would hang out with people at our apartment and get high and drink. When I would come home...there were strangers for the most part in my living room. I don't mean two or three strange people...but at least 8 strangers would be lounging all over the couches, the chairs and sitting in the floor. Most nights, I would come in and sit in the corner looking at my fish in the aquarium. I could hear them talking but I would try so hard to drown our their voices. I didn't feel like I belonged in my own house. After several nights of feeling panicky, I requested that Venum send his friends home before I came in. I didn't know them, they were trampling all over my things, draggin in mud on my floor and Venum was not cleaning up after them at all. I wanted to be able to come home and feel comfortable and have down time for myself. I often came home to loud mouth strangers spilling beer and fighting in my living room. I didn't think my request was all that bad...apparently Venum did. AFter sending them home a couple times, they all went back to their routine of hanging out in the apartment even hours after I had come home. Sometimes, I even tried to sleep and I could hear them ranting in the front room. It seemed that Venum had no respect for what I needed or wanted.

ONe night, I stood from my chair by the aquarium and walked out into the living room. I stood there looking down at all the idiots and wishing I could just throw them out. But I was quiet...just standing there and I even smiled. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. I snatched a bottle from the nearest kid and downed the rest of his beer.

"I really think everyone should fuck off." I stated in a very sweet voice. Venum starred up at me and was kind of surprised by my actions.

At first they just starred at me too and then one by one...they left.


1995

fall

My mother had another doctor's appointment and so I decided to go with her this time. While we were waiting in the waiting room, she talked about mundane things and how much she had missed me lately. I just sat there thinking about her condition and wondering what it was, exactly. I would have missed what she was saying if I had not have noticed the word "baby." Because of my dreams lately, I picked out the single word in her conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" Mom said as she looked down at her hands folded upon her large belly.

I was taken aback by her words and so I just looked toward her. She turned to me and spoke again.
"I know you lost your baby, sherrie." Her peircing black eyes grew small and she just waited for me to answer.

I frowned then spoke. "I ...uh, I ...I just didn't want to worry you, Moma." I frowned and then looked at her again.

"How did you know I was pregnant?"

She laughed and then let out a great sigh. "I know lots of things about you. No one tells me things, I just know."

I smiled a sickly smile and realized somthing else about my mother. Her eyes were like mine...yes, they were black, deep and big like a baby doll...this is true. But they were like mine in other ways. Mother knew things like I knew things. Mother knew things in ways that most people don't like to talk about. Mother was not just mother...as I was not just me.

I wondered if she had an other and I thought I saw it in her eyes.

Did something else take control of her when she felt weak...I never knew, I did not know...I would never get the chance to find out.


1995

fall

The pain was almost gone and I was almost living a normal existence...well, as normal as a drug dealing, crazy girl with bi sexual tendencies can be. I started to cook more often and experiment with different recipes. I even realized that cooking was something that I really liked to do. I would make meals for Venum and leave them for him when I would go to work. Sometimes, I would carry meals to work for him. I took pride in doing nice things for him because no matter what happened...I loved him. I can say that at this time in my life, I had thoughts for no other.



That thing that happened

Venum had this friend named Joe. Joe was a drunkard. Yes, I know that all of our friend drank at some time or the other but Joe was bad....he was really bad. One day he came to the apartment with a red rose. He said he had bought the rose for his girlfriend but he had decided to give it to me. I really did not like the idea and so I tried to give it back to him. Venum told me to take it and so I did.
Every time that Joe came by he couldn't keep his hands off me. He loved to touch my waist, my shoulders and my head. He had to always have a hug from me and he called it just "friendly". I started to get irritated by the fact that he wouldn't stop touching me. I asked him to stop and he didn't stop...in fact Venum got angry at me for over reacting and said that he wasn't hurting me. I would look to Venum with a pleading look in my eyes and I tried to convey how bad it made me feel for Joe to touch me. He simply found it ridiculous that I was complaining. At some point, I told Joe to leave because I did not like him touching me. He did leave and I saw that it made Venum very furious when I did that.

When me and Venum were alone in the apartment, I walked up to him and touched his shoulder. He spun around and shoved me off him. I proceeded to talk rapidly, trying to tell Venum about how my child abuse made me nervous around men and he just told me to shut up. I tried over and over to get the words out but he wouldn't listen. He proceeded to throw things around the apartment and to break things. He broke a chair and he ripped things from the wall. I started to cry and beg him to listen to me. I was shaking by the time he had pulled the blinds from the windows. He yelled and yelled about how he didn't know why he was even with me to begin with. I clung to the door because I was scared. He got in my face and then he shoved me back. I was breathing rapidly expecting him to hit me but he didn't hit me this time. He just shoved me out of the way and walked out the door. I don't know where he went but he didn't come back until it was night.