87

1996

Halloween

So, I was in the midst of something new, a new pain and gripping sensation that I could not escape from. I climbed into the shower to clean the blood from my body. As I stepped over the tub, I licked some of the stray blood from my fingers and then I felt the first pain....a dull pain. I was curious about it and so i stopped to feel it completely. It faded away as soon as it inflicted me. I turned on the shower and stood there letting the warm water wash over my body. As the blood run from my fingers down to the drain, I felt the next pain. This one was only slightly more painful than the first and so I continued to wash myself. By the time I was finished with my shower the pain had grown in intensity.

I walked out into the living room and saw Christie watching television again. I told that I thought we might should call her brother and let him know what was going on. She agreed and so I called his work. I got his supervisor on the phone and told him that I thought I was about to have the baby and that Venum should come home. My supervisor laughed and asked me if I had called an ambulance yet. I told him no and that I would not call an ambulance...I would not leave this house until the father of the baby arrived to carry me to the Women's hospital. And that is how it was...I absolutely refused to be carried to the hospital by anyone else.

The pains grew more intense and closer together. Christie began to really panick and she couldn't stay off the phone. She called her grandmother, her mother, her sister and anyone else she thought about gossiping too. I guess she was just so scared and did not know what to do. In fact, I was kind of concerned for us as well. I felt Damian pushing downward as the pain got pretty intense. I started to walk around the room and concentrate on my breathing.

Venum called soon afterwards and said he was on his way and that I might want to call an ambulance. By this time, I was growing angry at them all and I kind of yelled at him.

"I told you guys...I am not calling a damn ambulance. I will wait until you get here to take me!"

So Venum floored it...driving at top speed to Tupelo. Meanwhile, I paced the floor. Christie stepped outside for a moment and then when she came back, two other females came into my house with her. I looked at them like they were crazy because I had never seen them before in my life. The came toward me talking really sweet and calm and told me that I should take my clothes off and get into a gown. They said that I should wear only a gown in case I had the baby before Venum arrived. I screamed.

"what!"

Then I complied. Not long afterwards, Venum whipped into the driveway and came inside to get me. By this time, I could barely walk and they picked me up and laid me in the back seat of the Toyota. I remember so many men standing outside the duplex staring at the commotion. I was even worried that they would see up my gown and notice that I wasn't wearing any underwear. (It is truly amazing what we worry about that really doesn't make any sense at the time.) Christie jumped in the back seat with me while Venum drove. He alerted us that he was running out of gas and that he had to stop at the gas station. Me and Christie both were appalled at that and I said "what the fuck?!" and she started speaking in tongues to pray over me. ON the way, Venum drove around cars and on the side of the road just to push his way through traffic. Christie held on for dear life while I huffed and puffed, squealing in pain.

When we got to the hospital, we had pulled up to the wrong door and a nurse made me get back in the car and go around to the other side. I do not understand why they could not have put me in a wheelchair and whip me on through the clinic to the other side...but whatever. I went through the door and was wheeled into a smaller room where other women were screaming and panting for dear life. I felt as if I had to shit again and so I begged to go to the bathroom. Of course I could not do anything because the sensation of Damain pushing was fooling me into thinking that I had to do something else. After trying and failing, I went back to the bed that they assigned me and commensed to beg the nurses for something for pain. Venum came and went leaving me sometimes when I needed him the most. I kept telling him that i wanted him to stay but he would leave anyway and leave me to clawing the walls in pain. I told the nurses that Damian was coming now but those wenches didn't believe me and told me that I had many many more hours to go in pain and that I had to wait on the doctor to arrive. The nurses laughed at me and left me alone again. I writhed in pain, lifing my body off the bed. I caressed my belly and cried. My aunt arrived before the doctor ever got there.

When the doctor did get there, he rose my hospital gown and checked to see how far I was dilated. When he stuck his hand below, the whole thing went inside of me. He was shocked and yelled for the nurses to get me into the delivery room immediately; that I was having the baby now.
When I got into the delivery room, it only took three pushes to give birth to Damian. I didn't recieve any pain meds until the end of the second push. I recieved Morphine and then pushed Damian on out and into the world. They took him from me and Venum told me that I was funny looking because my face was all purple. Of course, I said ' fuck you' and smiled because I was pretty messed up at the time.

After they cleaned him up, they brought Damian to me. I took him and held him in my arms and come to a sudden realization. I did not know how to love him. I did not know him and I had no idea what his personality would be. I looked at him in a strange way and then realized for the first time...
...this was unconditional love...love without reason....love without vice and it was true love. Although I did not yet feel the love for him as I did for others...I knew that my love for him would be a love that could never be undone.

I smiled and offered him my breast. Like a natural instinct, he fed and I knew peace for that moment.