85

1996

At some point, Venum had his car in an shop in Corinth Ms. While we were visting his mother and waiting on his car to be finished, we met a man who sold Amway products. He talked to us so much that he convinced us to try to sell Amway. We were excited because the man and his family had done so very well with selling the products and were in the process of renovating their home. We worked with this man for a while and  also visited his snakes that he kept in his automotive shop in town. I think that his another reason that Venum was drawn to him...because of their mutual love for snakes. I just wanted to be sucessful and if this would work, I wanted to try it as much as Venum. We worked with this idea for a couple months and even met some millionaires at a couple parties. There was a trip that Amway was hosting in Gatlinburg Tn and I made the trip with my aunt. At this point, I was about 7 months pregnant but I enjoyed the gettaway. Of course Venum did not go with us because he had to work. I tried to just enjoy everything without worrying about what was going on at home. Damian moved around so much inside my tummy that I would giggle out loud and people would look at me. I would just point at my belly and smile. They would smile back in understanding. At least when you are pregnant, people understand your silly quirks.

When I arrived home, the apartment was a mess and Venum came out the front door with a weird look on his face. I would not recognize this look until later when I learned that this is what it looks like when you are high on cocaine.

The man from Amway gradually disappeared and the prospect of making something of ourselves through the business faded as well. It was just a dream undone, it seemed. And so, things went on as they were.


Fall

1996

I did not know it but Venum had kept in contact with Margie all this time...even after she had left Chez place. She and her boyfriend along with several others were staying in downtown Tupelo and Venum was hanging out with them on a regular basis. I just couldn't keep up with them and I was trying to stay out of trouble as well.

In the living room, one day in the early fall, I found God. It is not as they all say it will be. There doesn't have to be a church service, a prayer or a loud singing choir. I was just reading some of my material from the clinic and I got this strange feeling inside. It wasn't the fluttering of Damian's tiny movements, it wasn't the dark thing either...it was a warm feeling of love. I just stopped what I was doing and I started to cry. At first I had no idea why I was crying...I just cried softly and my heart filled almost to overflowing with love....unconditional love for everything. I went to my knees and looked toward the window where a beautiful bright light filtered in through the blinds and I just waited...I had no idea what I waited for but I waited.

I felt the love and the acceptance of everything and when Venum came in that night, I was smiling and I was happy even though he was very late coming home.

I started to read the bible every day and I told the nurses at the clinic what had happened to me. They all seemed very happy with what had happened and so they sent me home with more paperwork and bible verses on what it meant to be saved. They said that I should find a church to go to and spend time worshipping and praising God.


1996

Fall

Christie started to come over and help me to clean...as if I needed her to. I never really found it in my heart to like Christie until now. The godliness caused me to be more accepting of her around me. She saw our problem with the pests and so she set out to try and get rid of them herself. We all decided that we should talk to Pam and Sam and see if they would poison at the same time that we did so that the pests could not seek refuge in the safety of either side of the duplex. They never really co operated with us and it was a losing battle. Sometimes at night I would wake up and feel them crawl on me and I would scream. The nights that Christie spent with us, she got up in the middle of the night and talked in tongues. I woke up to see what all the fuss was about and i heard her speaking in a forgeign language. I asked her what she was saying and she explained it to me.

"It is my language that I speak when I am talking with God. No one else can understand what we say to each other."

I was drawn to this and wanted to understand. "So, you was telling god to deal with these roaches, huh"

Christie laughed and replied. "I guess you can say that."

We returned to bed and continued to swat the pests from our bodies throughout the night. Strange thing is...they never seemed to bother Venum...he slept like a baby.


1996

We all went to Venum's mother's church service one Sunday when I was around 8 months pregnant.... well, all of us except Venum...who was again working on his little Toyota stick shift at the neighboring auto shop. I remember the service being very strange to me and much like my cousin's pentacostal service from when I was a pre teen. I couldn't remember much about talking in tongues and so it still enamored me. I watched so many members of my mother in laws church writhing upon the floor and falling backwards. But when Christie jumped from her chair and bent over in pain, I panicked. I reached for her but her mother said "no!" She told me not to interfer with the work of God. And so I watched Christie as she thrashed and spit, finally wobbling out of the room.  I then heard her screaming and grunting and then throwing up. It was the most horrible sound that I had heard in a long time. She gagged and gagged until she was breathless. She never returned to the sanctuary. I sat there and held my pregnant belly and thought about my poor mother and what she would endure or must be enduring with her illness and I couldn't be there for her. I looked down at my belly and wondered if I would grow tumorous things inside like my mother had grown. Was it her other that had congealed and formed as a rock inside her when she refused to use the thing? I was terrified all of a suddden. That is when the female evangelist stopped speaking in tongues and looked out into the audience and called to me. I saw her look right at me and motion for me to come forward. My eyes grew large and I had no intentions of going up upon that stage. My mother in law spoke softly to me.

"Go....she is calling you up."

I looked at my mother in law and shook my head. She smiled and pushed at my shoulder and told me to go again. I didn't want to go but I got up anyway. I protectively held my tummy as I made my way between other worshippers fallen on the ground, leaning over chairs and holding their hands up to high heaven. I swallowed a large lump in my throat but I kept going. when I reached the lady, I looked up at her. What I saw was amazing. She had eyes like mine...not the color, mind you...but what was behind them. She was like me, my mother and maybe others as well. She held something within...something other than what she presented as herself. I was both in awe and frightened horribly...because I half expected to see the dark silly thing come out of her and words of strength and conquest erupt form her lips. And then she spoke to me.

"You should not be afraid. I know you are afraid and I know why you are afraid." She smiled and touched my belly.

I shook my head and smiled back because she was wrong. "No, I am not afraid for my child."
She laughed with her head tilted back and then shook her head. "No child, you are afraid that what your mother is dying from will be what you die from as well. Let me tell you, there is nothing inside you but your child. The thing you fear is gone...for now. And you should not worry about the thing that inhabits your mother as being contagious. Do not fear, my child...for I am with you."

The woman smiled and drew closer. "But what shall you do alone? You cannot do these things alone that you wish to do. You will need the help of the holy spirit. Let me pray for you."

And she did pray for me and she spoke for me. That beautiful language...that mysterious language she spoke as she kept her hand firmly planted on my pregnant belly. She spoke as her entire congregation crawled, ran and writhed about in that little house turned church. As the spirit filled that little house, Damian wiggled about as if he would burst forth from my womb at that very moment. I was like a worm in hot ashes and then I fainted.