82

1996

Winter

I had no idea what the appointments would consist of but I would soon be enveloped by nurses and couselors who wished to save my baby. Considering that I had just had an abortion the year before, they were very dilligent in making sure that I had ample time in counseling and bible studies. Mind you, I was no christian and really had interest in learning about God but in order to get help with my pregnancy needs; I had to go along with it as they saw fit.

The hardest part of the counseling was the mandatory abortion counseling. I do not really know how humane the procedure was but I was subjected to relive the abortion I went through before....meaning the details given to me and watching a video about abortion. I was made to watch three different women having an abortion on video. I had to watch the procedure from the moment of their individual counseling until the point where they showed what actually happens to the fetus. Watching the video was simply horrible and watching the dead bodies of fetus' torn apart by the abortion suction machine was enough to make me sick. I remember almost fainting while watching the videos. When I asked to be excused, the answer was no and the reason was always because I had done this before and I must know what really happens. I must be witness to the murder that I committed. And so, for days, I was subjected to video after video of performed abortions. I just sat there and wondered if it was a mistake to have gotten rid of the silly little part of me that used to dwell inside.

It was just me now....and I had to be a big girl.


1996

Winter

I was very sick for many months during the winter. The sickness was only assuaged by eating crackers first thing in the morning and drinking Sprite. I grew so incredibly sick that it hurt my work performance. Many times, I requested to sit with the sewing ladies and make medical products on the machines while sitting down. Most of the time I was refused my requests. I couldn't stay on the work floor for long at all because I kept having to run to the bathroom. Finally, I got fed up with trying to get some leniency and so I asked to go home.

I knew that night that I would not be returning to Bio Clinic. I asked Venum if I could quit because I was so sick and they did not care about it. I explained that I had tried on many occasions to get them to understand but they only saw work, they only saw what I could do for them and not how I felt. Venum told me that I should quit and look for another job somewhere else that maybe would be more suitable for my condition. I instantly was relieved and decided to call the next day and let them know that I would not be coming back.


1996

I tried to find a job at several different places but didn't really have any luck. One job that I acquired seemed pretty easy at first but I just couldn't satisfy the company with my performance. I was to make calls and give these long speeches in order to sell a service to the companies that I was contacting. It was very similar to a telemarketer's job and really seemed pretty simple. But according to the boss, I sounded as if I was reading from a script (in which I was) and that I should try harder. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't speak right in their eyes. I just didn't have the voice nor the tack to approach the subject matter in a friendly and casual way. I quit that job after two weeks out of frustration and aggravation.


1996

I had a doctor's appointment with my gynecologist for a regular pregnancy check or similar to a pap smear. When they checked my cervix they found abnormal cells growing there. They told me that It could be cancer but they wouldn't know until they got the test results back. When the tests came back, they were not cancerous but only pre cancerous. If not removed they could turn into cancer. I was told that I could not have them removed unless I was willing to lose the baby because there was a high chance that they surgery would cause an abortion to occur. I was horrified and so I agreed to wait until the baby was born to have the growths removed. The doctor assured me that the growths would probably remain in the same state until 9 months later and so that calmed me a bit. Venum was there with me on that appointment and assured me that everything would be okay. I was very grateful for this time that he was there for me. I remember being comforted by his presence that day and comforted by the thought of protecting my baby at all costs.