88

1996

The hospital

While I was sleeping, I dreamed and I dreamed of her. The little girl that I never had and the emptiness that remained. I thought with having Damian that the void would be filled but it was not. Yes, morbid morbid...always morbid and you can judge me for that surely...but wait. It was not I who sent the dream and it was not I that left the feeling inside my heart; so don't blame me. Of course I loved Damian and I did see him as a gift from God but...I missed her. Everyday of my life, I missed her, the girl that only lived for 6 weeks. Whose limited time inside the water world was violently ended...and yes, I did torture myself for that...and still do.

I awoke to the sound of a coca Cola being opened. I could smell the drink and it burned my nose. Every scent was wild and strong. I smelled my brother's cologne and the beer on my husband's breath. I sat up in bed and inhaled the world. My nostrils flared full of the scents that spun round and round my bed.

"Give me that!" I spoke frankly and took the drink from my brother's hand.

He looked surprised and jolted by my sudden appearance into conciousness. "uh...ok."

My husband lay sleeping in the chair at the foot of bed. He had been out drinking all day while I lie here and fed Damian. He had been with Margie because he told me. I guess he thought I was too sleepy to remember. I looked at him and wished he was awake.

"I need another one...please."

My brother went to the counter by the bed and got me a coke. When I opened the can, Damian woke up. I laughed and imagined that my little one was just as gung ho over coca cola as I was. I laughed again and then realized that I had made a loud noise and that from now on....all the loud noises were going to have this affect.

I shrugged and drank the soda down.

"I am hungry." I looked around and then my brother sighed with exasperation. Damian commensed to nursing again and finally he fell back to sleep.

My mother called and she had tears with her words. She told me congratulations and that she had to get off the phone before daddy found out that she had called me. She told me that she loved me and that I should always remember that. Then she was gone as she had been gone for months now. Dying and I could not go to her.


Going Home

I went home and when I went home, I cried. I cried because I could not offer better places and things for my baby. My home was a little duplex and it was just not like it should be. He had no room of his own and I could not make Venum give the other room to him. A roach ran across my foot as I walked into the main room of the duplex and I just cried harder. I didn't even ask for the room because I was afraid to do so and that fact alone made me sort of a bad mother. I put away my things and sat down on the couch. I just sat there for a while and calmed myself down.

 Damian slept lots right now but there would be a time, the doctor tells us, that he will be up much more and it will get very stressful. He tried to prepare me for everything that he could think of but there are just some things that I had to learn on my own.

Damian slept between me and Venum every night for the fist months. I had to nurse him and it was just so much easier to wake up in the middle of the night and plop a nipple in his mouth. Then I could go back to sleep while he fed himself to sleep. It was comforting and I felt as though I could protect him better. When Venum rolled over, I would scoop Damian up in my arms and roll over to the other side with him. Sometimes Venum would wake up and play with Damian. I loved this part and it is still a fond memory of mine to this day. Some memories, oh...some beautiful memories, we wish we could put in a bottle and when we needed something from life; we could open the bottle and pour out the bliss to enjoy. But there is not bottle;  there is only this page...and so I continue.

I remember how funny feeding was for me and for others. Sometimes, I had to use the bathroom but Damian just wouldn't let up. So, picture this...me, on the toilet with a baby on my breast and then trying to read a magazine. Yes, simply hilarious, but very true. Imagine this...Venum's friends come over to get high and they decide to come in and see the baby. Well, the guy always gets nervous and hides their faces from my exposed breast even when the baby is on it. I always would just laugh at them. Venum would eventually tell me to go in the bedroom so that they would feel more comfortable. It was okay by me, didn't matter all that much anyway. And when Damian slept, my breasts would grow so very large and hard, filled with milk. Suddenly, like magic..I would feel a tingle and then twin streams of milk would pour out of my nipples and show through my shirt. Like a trigger, Damian would wake up whining then if I did not go immediately to him, he would scream. I don't know for sure if my milk was triggered by him or if he was triggered by the smell of my milk. To me, it was both a funny and beautiful thing. Besides...hehe, for a while, I had nice boobs.


1996

He was beautiful, did I say that? He was born with a head full of black hair. His eyes were big and brown and he just smiled and smiled making me see that lovely things did , in fact, exist. And I did love him, even though I didn't know how...I loved him. He was precious to me and still is.


1996

My aunt came to see the baby and she just doted on him. She brought so many gifts and things that he actually didn't need yet. She spent the night with us and took us all out to eat. It was a very pleasant day and evening. I liked when my family came to visit me because then, Venum did not drink. He always did this thing that is hard to explain when we were around Christians or people he did not know. He would put this mask on...when I say this I mean, he would appear as someone that I did not really know. There were no cuss words, no hitting, no drinking, no dope...there was no rudeness and disreguard for feelings. Even his voice would change...sounding almost Brittish in its properness. I watching him do this as he talked to my aunt. At first I grew angry because the man before me was not mine. I was cheated from having such a man and never would have that. It is not that I wanted some prim and proper man, no; I do not, acctually. I just wanted someone who was real, repectful and kind...all the time...or most of the time, realistically. I watching them then again and then I started to study his mannerisms, the way his hands folded neatly onto his lap when he spoke. I watched his eyes as he looked at my aunt and charmed her to no end. I watched and I learned things...so many things I would learn from Venum...but the question was...how would I utilize these things. The thought was fleeting and then I scolded myself for having such inappropriate thoughts.

The next day when she left, Venum went out to get drunk with his friends and left me home alone with Damian.