77

Fall

1995

The dreams began shortly after the abortion. They were short things at first, filled with black and white scenarios coming straight off a projector reel. I watched before me, the school yard from my high school. I saw dead leaves blow across the campus and pool in corners of the brick outside various buildings. I was walking around the campus watching empty cars and empty classrooms fill with dust.

Then my dreams changed slightly and only slightly. I saw a man whom I did not know and his name was David. Do not ask my why I knew his name for I know not the reason. He was young and built very fine with tanned brown skin. His hair was dark and shoulder length and his smile was chilling. I knew him, I knew him in my heart as something other than human. When I searched my memory, I had nothing.

I walked past him in a nervous gait hoping that he did not notice me..maybe I really wasn't a part of the dream and I was be invisible in his firmament. As I walked past him I could smell his whole being as if he was alerting me of his presence. His head turned slightly as I walked past and he laughed. I made a tour of the school yard, making my way past the Agriculture Building, the English room and past the Science lab...that is when I saw her...a small girl with dark hair and pale skin. She was beautiful and still, standing straight and serene. Her visage made me stand still in my tracks. She just stood in front of the Cafeteria and stared at me with big black eyes. I smiled but she did not smile back and so I walked toward her. As I got almost upon her, she started to panick.

"Help me...he is coming." She stared at me in fear, her little black eyes crinkled up and her mouth opened slightly. "help me please, he is almost here."

I stood still in question-head tilted to the side. I know that I tilted my head because it is a slightly annoying habit of mine. I squatted down and reached for her. She furrowed her brow and  drew back in fear. She did not want me to touch her.

"Please, he is coming...now!" she leaned forward a little then released herself to trust me. "Let's go...let's leave."

I took her in my arms...he little black curls cascaded down her back and onto her maroon corduroy dress. Her white lacey sleeves were covered in some crimson stains that I felt I recognized and they suddenly made me feel sick. I looked down and the lace from beneathe her corduroy was speckled with red as well. She had no shoes and her feet were covered in the crimson blood-like stains. She trembled and I pulled her back to face me.

"Who is he... who is coming?"

She looked at me and her lips quivered. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. "He is a bad man, a devil..ma'am."

"But who is he?"

She paled suddenly and whispered. "He is death."

I woke screaming and pulling at Venum trying desperately to wake him. When he asked me what was wrong, I just told him that I had been dreaming and had a nightmare. I turned toward the wall and wept because I knew she was right and I knew something else. She was my child.


Fall

1995


The dreams changed from then on but they were none-the-less disturbing. Each night, I held a baby in my arms and then I would drop it. As I dropped the infant, it would disappear into the thin air. I searched forever in my dream and never found the baby. Every time I dreamt of the child I would wake in a chill. I had no idea that she would never leave me and she never did.


Fall

1995


Venum and I were cleaning the apartment one day and my brother called. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something really important. He said that he would be coming to visit later in the day. I could tell by his voice that he was concerned about something but I didn't know what it was. I was already rattled pretty badly by the dreams and I had not stopped bleeding like the doctor said I would. Every now and then I would cramp and the thing inside would speak.

"Stand still, chin up...be strong." I would sit straighter in my chair and inhale sharply. Venum would laugh and ask me what I was doing. I would say nothing and tell him that I was fine , just tired.

My brother arrived that afternoon and sat down on the couch. He made a little small talk and then he looked directly at me. My brother had a thing about him where he could not keep eye contact for long. I have the same thing at times as well. We are able to see things in others eyes and sometimes the things we see frighten us or make us wary that if we can do this than maybe they can as well...with this being said...we did not want others to know what dwelt in our souls. Even to each other, we were wary. My brother made eye contact with me and he spoke.

"I have something I have to tell you." He paused then he continued. "You mother went to the doctor the other day and they found a mass inside her abdomen."

I tried to understand what I was hearing but my ears started to buzz. I put my hand on my abdomen and rubbed gently. "What?"

My brother repeated himself and added detail. "Your mother went to the doctor because her feet were swelling badly and she could barely walk. YOu know how she has always had a large abdomen and...." he laughed nervously. "remember how when we went on vacation and that couple was too loud...they were discussing how large our pregnant mother was. Do you remember she cried because she wasn't pregnant..."

I remembered exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. I continued to rub my stomach. " I remember...they thought it was odd that she was hiking with us seeing as she was "so far along".
My brother nodded. "Sherrie, they found a tumor as big as a baby's head in just floating in her abdomen...there are three others too. One is attached to the main artery of her heart, the other two- her liver and one kidney." My brother looked down at his hands and bit his lip. "They are sending her to Memphis for a Biopsy.

I just sat there and rubbed my stomach. The cramps worsened but I said nothing of it.