91

1997

summer

Mother was taking Chemotherapy. The doctors said that she was not a candidate for surgery. The very large tumor was toward the front of her abdomen and the cancerous ones were on major organs. The surgeons could not get to the smaller cancerous tumors because of the location and size of the benign tumor. Mother was always sick at her stomach and she said that food had no taste anymore.
I saw her some on the weekends but sometimes I would just stay at home. Venum's drinking was growing worse and I wanted to be there for him. I know I should have been with my mother more but I just thought that I could help Venum...maybe get him to stop drinking by spending time with him and also...I thought I could keep him out of trouble...keep him alive. I starte to neglect my baby too. When Venum's friend would come over, I would put Damian in his playpen and go outside to get high. It wasn't that I didn't love Damian...I really did. I jsut wanted to be accepted by Venum. I wanted a closer connection with him and so I tried to do some of the things that he did. I wanted to be in the crowd with him and be cool...yeah, just stupid shit. I remember many nights when Damian would cry and I would simply go back inside and pop a pacifyer in his mouth and leave him again. I remember those big brown eyes starring at me with tears clinging to them. He wanted his mother...he wanted me to be with him and spend time with him but I was so far up Venum's ass that I couldnt see what a bad mother that I was becoming. I just stayed out there on that porch with them and hoped that Damian would go to sleep...even when it wasn't even his bedtime.

I went to see my mother less and less for the same reasons. I was a monster....and I was fucking worshipping my husband. It was dispicable.


1997

summer

There was a pasture across the road with cows in it. There was a pasture behind the house with cows in it. There was a trailer park down the road with hicks in it and there was our lovely neighbors who didn't give a shit about us. Every night we would swat off roaches and wake up with them on our mouths, our eyes and around our ears. We would poison them but they just kept coming back. One day when I turned on the stove, several roaches ran up behind the dials trying frantically to get away from the heat. They were everywhere and our next door neighbors didn't seem to mind.

They starte to bite us...the roaches did. I would wake up in the morning and I would be itching horribly. After a couple hours, there would be little brown scabs appearing all over my arms. I started noticing that Damian would wake up with a scream and so I started looking him over. I found the same brown scabs appearing on his soft little flesh. Those things were eating my baby alive. I decided that it couldn't be too soon that we got out of that apartment.

I told the  clinic about the roaches and they told me that we had to leave that apartment or human services would take Damian away. So we tried to speed up the process with looking for a new place.

1997

summer

Things were horrible and I hated myself. I felt so alone...even though I had a baby and a husband. I guess I was very selfish.

I drug the razor blade down my back of my arm. I thought no one would notice it if I put it here. Besides, Venum really never paid that much attention to me unless it was for sex. I drug the razor blade through a second line and winced. The pressure released and the tears started to fall again.

After I had made four lines and let the blood drip down onto the sink; I sat down on the toilet and just felt the pain...the real...the then and now ...of everything. I could feel something that wasn't emotional abuse. I could feel and that is what mattered. I heard Damian waking from his nap and so I wrapped my arm  with some gause and hid it underneath an armband. I had become a master at hiding my descension.

I entered the bedroom with a smile...mask firmly planted upon my face and I lay down next to my son.

90

A recollection from Chez Place

 Before Damian's birth, Venum and I loved to go camping almost every weekend. It was a spur of the moment thing, normally. We would grab a few things and pack just what we needed and head off to Tombigbee or Waldoxie...depending on what mood we were in. Of course Venum would sneak beer onto the camp grounds even though he wasn't supposed to and not to mention the weed we carried on the property as well. My diluted mind never understood some things about weed vs. alcohol. Even though weed was illegal, I still believed it to be better than alcohol. You see, I never really had a hatred for alcohol itself, in fact, I drink now. I just didn't like the way that Venum got violent when he drank. I grew nervous when he took the first bottle or can out and started to open it in front of me. But that is another subject. This little short bit is about something else.

We went to Tombigbee one weekend and was just sitting around getting high and enjoying the July weather when we decided to poke around the campsite for no reason. All of a sudden, two guys who were camped next to us were making a lot of noise around a huge log. We watched them poking about the log and wondered what was goin on. Venum walked up to them and asked them what they were looking at and I tagged along because I was nosey. Apparently, the guys had found a snake and was trying to get it out of the log. Venum volunteered to get the snake free and so I helped him. We used a stick to poke around inside the log until the little copperhead came out. We put her into a garbage can and then when we went home; we put her inside a pillow case. We decided to keep her and we called her Assassain...or Sassy.

ONly a couple months later while Venum was trying to feed her did she bite him. He had lain a dead mouse on his leg to get a better grip on Sassy and then he moved the mouse and laid Sassy on his leg. She smelled the mouse on his knee and she sank her fangs into the muscle on Venum's leg. I freaked out and tried to get him to go to the hospital but he fought me about it. When he started sweating profusely, I made him go. When we got to the hospital all the doctor did was give Venum some pills and send him home. Venum laughed at me and said he told me so and that he didn't need no doctors. He claimed that he was immune to snake venom ...thing is...I think he is.


1996

Christmas

Before I started job hunting after Damian was born; I stayed at home and tried to sneak calls to my mother. Sometimes, It worked and sometimes my brother would tell me that daddy found out and he would yell at her. Finally, daddy started letting moma call me and just before Christmas, daddy agreed to let me come home for the holidays with the baby. But daddy said that he would not allow me to bring my husband. I agreed to go see my parents because I really missed them and they had never seen Damian.

When I arrived for Christmas,daddy wouldn't even look at Damian. He got his guns and went into the woods to hunt. I spent time with mother and enjoyed hearing about what she had been doing all the time that I had been away. When daddy came home later on, he would sneak looks over at Damian but at first he wouldn't touch him. Finally, daddy came over and tickled Damian's belly and that made Damian squeal. At that moment, my father smiled and squatted down next to the couch where Damian lay. He played with him until we had to go back to Tupelo.


1997

Early Summer

I don't know exactly what the fight was about but I do know that it was about Venum's drinking and violence. I rememeber beggin him not to drink that day because I wanted to take Damian to the park and push him around in his stroller. Venum started drinking and then got behind the wheel to take us to the park. We went to two different parks that day and I was scared and miserable by his drinking with me and the baby's safety at stake. I remember trying to talk to him about not drinking so much and he just got madder and madder. By the time he took us back home, he could barely drive. He told us to get out of the car and that he was going back out. I was upset and crying and so I didn't immediately get Damian out. Venum got out of the front seat and took Damian out of the car, car seat and all. He grabbed my arm and drug me out of the car and pushed me away from him.  He told me that he was done with me and he wanted all of Damian's stuff out of his car. He was talking about divorce and how I should find somewhere else to go. He said that I should probably go back home and live with my parents. He forced me out of the car and then he left. He was very drunk and so I was worried that something might happen to him.

Venum returned later on and he was still talking about wanting me gone....me and Damian. Then his mind changed violently and he starte to talk about suicide. He said that he just wanted to die and that he was going to go back out and try to wreck the car. I begged and pleaded with him to stop talking about such things. I got down on my knees and cried at his feet. I remember that I said I was sorry for judgin him, I said I was sorry for trying to tell him what to do  and I was just sorry. I didn't say it then, but I was the one who wanted to die. I felt so hopeless and I could hear Damian screaming for me and Ignored him because I was crying at Venum's feet. Venum left again and then I called my aunt to come and try to talk Venum out of killing himself. My poor aunt drove all the way from Memphis because she was scared. Venum returned just as my aunt was pulling in the driveway. While she was there, he seemd to calm down and listen to her. He smiled and talked as if he felt sorry for how he had acted. For a moment, I thought everything was going to be okay. When my aunt went to bed, he looked at me and said...

"Don't think your little trick worked on me. I still want you out of here."

Venum was still kind of drunk but the words terrified me and so I begged him quietly hoping my aunt wouldn't wake up and hear us. After begging and pleading, he finally said whatever and passed out. Damian was fast asleep with my aunt who had taken charge when she had arrived.


1997

early summer

When Venum and I fought, it was horrible. For days afterwards, he would drop hints of my moving out. He would move things around and he wouldn't touch my stuff. He wouldn't hold me at night in the bed and he would barely talk to me. If I tried to touch him or hug him, he would push me...sometimes pushing me down.  He would only do certain things for Damian but not much. Sometimes he would even say that it was okay if I took the baby away because he was too young to remember him anyway. To me, it seemed like he didn't really want to be a dad at all. My heart broke so many nights on so many occasions that it seems so unreal. I remember lying awake and thinking about what I could do to make him happy. I prayed and prayed but it seemed like he knew when I prayed and it would make him madder. IN fact, on one occasion, he told me that very thing. He said if he found out I was praying for him he would make sure he did exactly what I didn't want him to do. I live vicariously...walking on pins and needles for Venum. I would cook, clean, take care of Damian and work but it wasn't enough. I had no idea what he wanted from me.

to mom...I miss you and I am sorry

http://youtu.be/dDxgSvJINlU

89

1997

Winter

I started looking for a job on the new year. It was not an easy task but I finally found something that I could handle. I registered with a Temporary service called Manpower. With this service, I acquired my first real job since Bio Clinic. I started on 3rd shift at Hunter Douglass constructing small metal parts for window blinds. It was not the easiest job by far and I had to keep my fingers wrapped with this odd tape just to keep from cutting myself on the metal parts. Working 3rd shift was odd for me because it had been a long time since I had done this and it was odd taking care of Damian in the morning when all I wanted to do is sleep. We did not get a baby sitter because we figured we could take care of Damian on our own and we did the best we could. I met several women at this job, most of which were not all that nice. But one of the girls became a good friend to me and before long, she was wanting to get together to do things with my husband and hers. The girl's name was Marcy and sometimes, even now...in this future time, I really miss Marcy.

The job didn't last long as temp jobs are prone to do. I kept in contact with Marcy and we all hung out together when we could. When Damian would need me, I would leave the others to having fun and take care of him. I hated the way that I thought then...I would think about what a burden my child was on me...but I would do the things I needed to do anyway. But, there....deep down within, I felt this resentment growing because whenever we had friends, I was always the one who had to hang back and take care of my child while Venum had fun and passed out.


1997

I went from job to job looking for something that was going to last. We needed a steady income for our family and Venum insisted that I work as well to help out.

I acquired a job at Piper Impact (this factory has changed its name on many occasions and it is where I am working now.) But lets just take it one step at a time. I got a job at Piper as a Print reworker or something of that matter. I worked with Jimmy C in Tool and Die reworking the prints for the various tools. I would take the prints upstairs to an empty office and work on them by pulling the original prints to compare by. Then I would file away the originals and take the reworked prints back to Jimmy. I loved working there and would dress up really nice trying to look like a professional.
While I worked the temp job at Piper, we had found a nice lady to take care of Damian. Her name was Ms. Duke and she resided back in Tupelo. We would leave early in the morning, drop Damian off at the daycare and then travel to New Albany to go to work. Piper was right beside Masterbuilt so Venum would come to see me at lunch on many occasions. When work was over, we would travel back to Tupelo, pick up Damian and to home...back to Burlesons.

 At the same time that I was delving back into the employment world; Venum and I were also in the process of finding a house. We wanted to have a more permanent residence. Venum would complain constantly about how we were just giving people money for no reason. He said that as long as we were paying rent, we were just throwing away money. And so we started a very long process of looking for a permanent home. We would travel all over the Union County, Marshall County and Benton County, looking for a home. At Venum's request, we looked for something closer to Memphis. It seemed that he wanted to be closer to the bigger cities. With the help of our real estate agent, we got to travel and look at several homes. One home, in lamar Ms, was just perect for us and I would call about the home while I was at work. I remember getting into trouble on many occasions for making personal calls. We lost that house and we were both down; but we continued to look for something...anything that would get us out of the rental trap.

The job at Piper did not last long though and I had to find something else through Manpower. The company sent me to Oil dry where I had to wear hard hat, safety glasses, an apron, face mask and ear plugs. I felt as if I wasn't even in the same world. The plant was dark, dirty and hot and I was only one of three girls in the entire facility. We took Damian out of  Ms. Duke's daycare and let Venum's stepmother keep him while I was at Oil Dry. I would get off work at 3 and go to Venum's step mother's house and there I would nurse Damian. It was very hard working and nursing a child. My breasts would always swell badly and leak out milk while I worked. I had to wear three layers of padding to keep from soaking my shirts. The job was dirty too and I had to make sure that I kept my breasts clean so that I would pump out milk on my lunch breaks. I did this too...I would take a sandwiche into the bathroom stall and use a hand held breast pump to relieve my swollen breasts. I would pack the bottles of milk into a insulated bag and then go back to work. One of the men at Oil dry kept asking me why I was going into the bathroom at lunch with a black bag. He asked me over and over until I told him the truth about what I was doing. He thought that breast feeding was sexy for some reason and then he asked me for my phone number. I just rolled my eyes at him and went back to work.

From Oil dry, I went to Piper Centex which was the company which was buying Piper. They had built a new plant on Sam T. Barkly Ave., just east of the old factory. Manpower sent me to clean the new facility before they opened up their doors for business. I mopped floors, cleaned windows and even toilets. It was a job...that is all I can say. Many times Venum woudl pick me up from work and he started to be really late again. One day he was several hours late and I was calling every where to find him. When he finally got to the job site, he told me that he had left work early and started drinking. He said he got drunk and fell asleep. I was very angry because I knew his step mother was more than ready for us to pick up Damian.

I will never forget how Venum's step mother insisted that our baby was racist. I assumed that she thought we had taught him to be racist. It was ridiculous in my opinion, that a baby could be racist. His step mother said that when her father, whom was a very dark man, would enter the room; Damian would start screaming. She insisted that he screamed because her father was black. she was insinuating that I had taught my son to be racist. I really didn't have much to say to her because the whole idea was beyond stupid.

I decided to put Damian in a real daycare in New Albany. I continued to work at Oil Dry and then to pick up Damian and then his father. We would travel to Tupelo and I would make dinner for us all. By then, it was time to go to bed and get ready to do the whole thing over again. Life wasn't easy for us but we were keeping busy and it helped keep us our of trouble. We kept looking for the perfect home while we worked our asses off. I tried to be a good mother and I guess at that time and period, I did pretty well. I would read my bible and try to be what I should be. Sometimes, Venum would get curious about what I was reading and he would ask me what was going on. I would start to tell him about the stories I was reading in the bible and then we would get mad. He would always say that he didnt want to hear all that, he just wanted a simple answer. He would leave the room and get angry because I would have read too much from the bible to him. Venum remained an atheist by choice. Sometimes I wonder if he didn't believe in God or that he just hated him for some of the things that he felt God did to him.

Venum told me a story once when we were living back at Chez place. He said that when he was 15, he had a girlfriend with long red hair. He talked about how beautiful she was and that no one would ever take her place. He told me that they would talk all the time and hang out together and that her father hated him. Her name was Alicia. He said that one day while he was working underage at the liquir store in Detroit Michigan, he got some really bad news. While he was watching television, a picture of his girlfriend flashed on the screen and the report said that she had been killed in an accident. He told me that he remembers that she was going somewhere and he didnt want to go with her. It had been a while since she had called but he didnt think anythign of it. He would tell me these details with tears in his and he would tell me how her long red hair had gotten caught somehow in the vehicle and it had drug her down the street killing her. He would also tell me how he hated the Pistons because it was a crazed fan who had commited the hit and run. Venum kept a long strand of Alicia's hair for years. I would go into the box when he wasn't looking and I would touch her hair. I was just so curious and so saddened by all of it. So I could understand his anger for that and for many other things that he told me.

I would not read anything else to him again in such detail. I would stay back, timid and wait for him to ask the questions. I knew his anger well enough and I knew how strong it could be when you still hurt.

88

1996

The hospital

While I was sleeping, I dreamed and I dreamed of her. The little girl that I never had and the emptiness that remained. I thought with having Damian that the void would be filled but it was not. Yes, morbid morbid...always morbid and you can judge me for that surely...but wait. It was not I who sent the dream and it was not I that left the feeling inside my heart; so don't blame me. Of course I loved Damian and I did see him as a gift from God but...I missed her. Everyday of my life, I missed her, the girl that only lived for 6 weeks. Whose limited time inside the water world was violently ended...and yes, I did torture myself for that...and still do.

I awoke to the sound of a coca Cola being opened. I could smell the drink and it burned my nose. Every scent was wild and strong. I smelled my brother's cologne and the beer on my husband's breath. I sat up in bed and inhaled the world. My nostrils flared full of the scents that spun round and round my bed.

"Give me that!" I spoke frankly and took the drink from my brother's hand.

He looked surprised and jolted by my sudden appearance into conciousness. "uh...ok."

My husband lay sleeping in the chair at the foot of bed. He had been out drinking all day while I lie here and fed Damian. He had been with Margie because he told me. I guess he thought I was too sleepy to remember. I looked at him and wished he was awake.

"I need another one...please."

My brother went to the counter by the bed and got me a coke. When I opened the can, Damian woke up. I laughed and imagined that my little one was just as gung ho over coca cola as I was. I laughed again and then realized that I had made a loud noise and that from now on....all the loud noises were going to have this affect.

I shrugged and drank the soda down.

"I am hungry." I looked around and then my brother sighed with exasperation. Damian commensed to nursing again and finally he fell back to sleep.

My mother called and she had tears with her words. She told me congratulations and that she had to get off the phone before daddy found out that she had called me. She told me that she loved me and that I should always remember that. Then she was gone as she had been gone for months now. Dying and I could not go to her.


Going Home

I went home and when I went home, I cried. I cried because I could not offer better places and things for my baby. My home was a little duplex and it was just not like it should be. He had no room of his own and I could not make Venum give the other room to him. A roach ran across my foot as I walked into the main room of the duplex and I just cried harder. I didn't even ask for the room because I was afraid to do so and that fact alone made me sort of a bad mother. I put away my things and sat down on the couch. I just sat there for a while and calmed myself down.

 Damian slept lots right now but there would be a time, the doctor tells us, that he will be up much more and it will get very stressful. He tried to prepare me for everything that he could think of but there are just some things that I had to learn on my own.

Damian slept between me and Venum every night for the fist months. I had to nurse him and it was just so much easier to wake up in the middle of the night and plop a nipple in his mouth. Then I could go back to sleep while he fed himself to sleep. It was comforting and I felt as though I could protect him better. When Venum rolled over, I would scoop Damian up in my arms and roll over to the other side with him. Sometimes Venum would wake up and play with Damian. I loved this part and it is still a fond memory of mine to this day. Some memories, oh...some beautiful memories, we wish we could put in a bottle and when we needed something from life; we could open the bottle and pour out the bliss to enjoy. But there is not bottle;  there is only this page...and so I continue.

I remember how funny feeding was for me and for others. Sometimes, I had to use the bathroom but Damian just wouldn't let up. So, picture this...me, on the toilet with a baby on my breast and then trying to read a magazine. Yes, simply hilarious, but very true. Imagine this...Venum's friends come over to get high and they decide to come in and see the baby. Well, the guy always gets nervous and hides their faces from my exposed breast even when the baby is on it. I always would just laugh at them. Venum would eventually tell me to go in the bedroom so that they would feel more comfortable. It was okay by me, didn't matter all that much anyway. And when Damian slept, my breasts would grow so very large and hard, filled with milk. Suddenly, like magic..I would feel a tingle and then twin streams of milk would pour out of my nipples and show through my shirt. Like a trigger, Damian would wake up whining then if I did not go immediately to him, he would scream. I don't know for sure if my milk was triggered by him or if he was triggered by the smell of my milk. To me, it was both a funny and beautiful thing. Besides...hehe, for a while, I had nice boobs.


1996

He was beautiful, did I say that? He was born with a head full of black hair. His eyes were big and brown and he just smiled and smiled making me see that lovely things did , in fact, exist. And I did love him, even though I didn't know how...I loved him. He was precious to me and still is.


1996

My aunt came to see the baby and she just doted on him. She brought so many gifts and things that he actually didn't need yet. She spent the night with us and took us all out to eat. It was a very pleasant day and evening. I liked when my family came to visit me because then, Venum did not drink. He always did this thing that is hard to explain when we were around Christians or people he did not know. He would put this mask on...when I say this I mean, he would appear as someone that I did not really know. There were no cuss words, no hitting, no drinking, no dope...there was no rudeness and disreguard for feelings. Even his voice would change...sounding almost Brittish in its properness. I watching him do this as he talked to my aunt. At first I grew angry because the man before me was not mine. I was cheated from having such a man and never would have that. It is not that I wanted some prim and proper man, no; I do not, acctually. I just wanted someone who was real, repectful and kind...all the time...or most of the time, realistically. I watching them then again and then I started to study his mannerisms, the way his hands folded neatly onto his lap when he spoke. I watched his eyes as he looked at my aunt and charmed her to no end. I watched and I learned things...so many things I would learn from Venum...but the question was...how would I utilize these things. The thought was fleeting and then I scolded myself for having such inappropriate thoughts.

The next day when she left, Venum went out to get drunk with his friends and left me home alone with Damian.

87

1996

Halloween

So, I was in the midst of something new, a new pain and gripping sensation that I could not escape from. I climbed into the shower to clean the blood from my body. As I stepped over the tub, I licked some of the stray blood from my fingers and then I felt the first pain....a dull pain. I was curious about it and so i stopped to feel it completely. It faded away as soon as it inflicted me. I turned on the shower and stood there letting the warm water wash over my body. As the blood run from my fingers down to the drain, I felt the next pain. This one was only slightly more painful than the first and so I continued to wash myself. By the time I was finished with my shower the pain had grown in intensity.

I walked out into the living room and saw Christie watching television again. I told that I thought we might should call her brother and let him know what was going on. She agreed and so I called his work. I got his supervisor on the phone and told him that I thought I was about to have the baby and that Venum should come home. My supervisor laughed and asked me if I had called an ambulance yet. I told him no and that I would not call an ambulance...I would not leave this house until the father of the baby arrived to carry me to the Women's hospital. And that is how it was...I absolutely refused to be carried to the hospital by anyone else.

The pains grew more intense and closer together. Christie began to really panick and she couldn't stay off the phone. She called her grandmother, her mother, her sister and anyone else she thought about gossiping too. I guess she was just so scared and did not know what to do. In fact, I was kind of concerned for us as well. I felt Damian pushing downward as the pain got pretty intense. I started to walk around the room and concentrate on my breathing.

Venum called soon afterwards and said he was on his way and that I might want to call an ambulance. By this time, I was growing angry at them all and I kind of yelled at him.

"I told you guys...I am not calling a damn ambulance. I will wait until you get here to take me!"

So Venum floored it...driving at top speed to Tupelo. Meanwhile, I paced the floor. Christie stepped outside for a moment and then when she came back, two other females came into my house with her. I looked at them like they were crazy because I had never seen them before in my life. The came toward me talking really sweet and calm and told me that I should take my clothes off and get into a gown. They said that I should wear only a gown in case I had the baby before Venum arrived. I screamed.

"what!"

Then I complied. Not long afterwards, Venum whipped into the driveway and came inside to get me. By this time, I could barely walk and they picked me up and laid me in the back seat of the Toyota. I remember so many men standing outside the duplex staring at the commotion. I was even worried that they would see up my gown and notice that I wasn't wearing any underwear. (It is truly amazing what we worry about that really doesn't make any sense at the time.) Christie jumped in the back seat with me while Venum drove. He alerted us that he was running out of gas and that he had to stop at the gas station. Me and Christie both were appalled at that and I said "what the fuck?!" and she started speaking in tongues to pray over me. ON the way, Venum drove around cars and on the side of the road just to push his way through traffic. Christie held on for dear life while I huffed and puffed, squealing in pain.

When we got to the hospital, we had pulled up to the wrong door and a nurse made me get back in the car and go around to the other side. I do not understand why they could not have put me in a wheelchair and whip me on through the clinic to the other side...but whatever. I went through the door and was wheeled into a smaller room where other women were screaming and panting for dear life. I felt as if I had to shit again and so I begged to go to the bathroom. Of course I could not do anything because the sensation of Damain pushing was fooling me into thinking that I had to do something else. After trying and failing, I went back to the bed that they assigned me and commensed to beg the nurses for something for pain. Venum came and went leaving me sometimes when I needed him the most. I kept telling him that i wanted him to stay but he would leave anyway and leave me to clawing the walls in pain. I told the nurses that Damian was coming now but those wenches didn't believe me and told me that I had many many more hours to go in pain and that I had to wait on the doctor to arrive. The nurses laughed at me and left me alone again. I writhed in pain, lifing my body off the bed. I caressed my belly and cried. My aunt arrived before the doctor ever got there.

When the doctor did get there, he rose my hospital gown and checked to see how far I was dilated. When he stuck his hand below, the whole thing went inside of me. He was shocked and yelled for the nurses to get me into the delivery room immediately; that I was having the baby now.
When I got into the delivery room, it only took three pushes to give birth to Damian. I didn't recieve any pain meds until the end of the second push. I recieved Morphine and then pushed Damian on out and into the world. They took him from me and Venum told me that I was funny looking because my face was all purple. Of course, I said ' fuck you' and smiled because I was pretty messed up at the time.

After they cleaned him up, they brought Damian to me. I took him and held him in my arms and come to a sudden realization. I did not know how to love him. I did not know him and I had no idea what his personality would be. I looked at him in a strange way and then realized for the first time...
...this was unconditional love...love without reason....love without vice and it was true love. Although I did not yet feel the love for him as I did for others...I knew that my love for him would be a love that could never be undone.

I smiled and offered him my breast. Like a natural instinct, he fed and I knew peace for that moment.

86

1996

On my last appointment to the doctor's office, I had a sonogram done to check on Damian. It was normal procedure considering it was getting very close to his birth. Everything looked fine and both Venum and I were excited. On the way back home, someone, who was simply not watching what he was doing, ran us off the road. Right before the incident happened, I remember feeling disassociated from reality. There is never an easy way to explain this other than to say that I could feel myself floating upwards, I could feel a sense of watching a scene from somewhere else and extracting myself from that scene. I knew what to expect and so I kept my head forward and starred at the road before me. I did not want to see things in life going backwards because If I did then I would know that everything that had happened in the past was indeed true. I only swerved away from the other driver when I saw that he was continuing to come closer to me. I ran off the road stopping just short of a stop sign. I remember crying hysterically not just becuase i was scared for myself but because I was scared for Damian. I remember how angry Venum was and I remember how he got out of the car and approached the driver. I didn't hear what he was saying but I saw the anger on Venum's face. I just wanted to sit there and collect myself, wiping any indication of what I felt from my mind before Venum returned....because Venum never really took supernatural things to be serious. I just stacked this incident inside my little library of things that shouldn't be.


Fall

1996

I cleansed the house today and not by cleaning. I purchased a small bundle of white sage and did my prayers as I smudged the four corners of the apartment. I wanted to rid the place of all negative spirits before Damian arrived. I know that the church would not approve of my conduct but I did not care. These little spells and charges, cleansings and conjures were just part of my ancestry. Being part Irish and part Native American...there were so many practices that I could not ignore which revolved around my love of natural spirituality. I knew that true spirituality didn't really involve the church. I got out my Abolone Shell and filled it with Lavender to help calm me and the baby. I put mandrake root at all entrances to the home for protection from evil visitors. I was nesting in more ways than a few. After cleansing the home, I proceeded to wash the walls of the apartment. It was almost time..I could feel Damian's body dropping down into my lower abdomen which is a signal that it would only be a matter of weeks before he would be here. That night, the moon was so big and bright. I sat outside on the back steps and watched it sitting there among the stars. I could feel something pushing me but it wasn't Damian. The hairs on my arm began to rise and the soles of my feet tingled. In my throat a giggle erupted but I struggled to hold it down...to drown it. I stood without warning and looked back up at the moon. The light of the lunar body intrigued me and pulled at me. My face tingled then and my gums began to hurt. I walked out onto the grass of the backyard and as my feet touched the grass, the tingled traveled upwards and exploded across my pubic area and up past my clitoris. I felt amazing and very excited. I don't remember exactly what happened and I do not know where Venum was but I remember taking two frozen hot dogs from the freezer and using them to pleasure myself. Then I fell asleep...I fell asleep knowing that the thing...the giddy, silly, mischevious thing was trying with all her might...to reclaim what she felt was hers.


Fall

1996

I started to hurt one day when Venum was at work. I felt a contracting dull pain radiating in my abdomen and so I called the doctor's office. The doctor said that I should wait a while to make sure that the contractions were real. I waited for several hours enduring the pain but it never went away. I called the doctor again and he told me to go to the Women's Hospital. When I got to the hospital, the examiner told me that I was having fake contractions called Braxton hicks contractions and that it was caused by my addiction to cola products. I was told that I couldn't drink sodas anymore until after the baby was born. That was the first time that I had a catherization done and it hurt so very badly. I have never had a small tube inserted into my urethra and it burned as if fire was being inserted into my body. The doctor also alerted me to the fact that I had a kidney infection from the drinking of too many colas. I went home dissapointed because I was ready for Damian to be born and this was just false hope for me.


1996

One night while Venum and I was sleeping, Damian wanted to stay up and play around in my womb. I felt him kicking and wiggling like he was fighting something in there. I lay in bed and giggled at Damian's fun. After a while I rolled over and wrapped my arms around Venum's back. All of a sudden Damian kicked in the womb and then Venum woke up. My husband turned to me and asked me why I was beating him in the back. I just laughed at the fact that Damian was kicking so hard that not only did i feel it, but his father could feel it as well....fight through my flesh and onto his father's back. This kid was going to be special and he certainly demanded attention. My dreams were sweet that night...I remember this to be so. In the morning as all mornings before, I awoke to the rattling of Venum's Western Diamond back. There were few days that I didn't enter that pet room and Firecracker not strike the plexi glass of his cage. I would gaze in curiosity at the venom that dripped down the glass.


1996

Fall

All hallows eve came quickly and I had all the candy put out in the bowls for the little trick or treaters. I was even wearing a long black dress for the occasion. I was huge, to say the least and the baby was due in 8 days. I was very excited but I was also excited to enjoy the Halloween holiday before Damian came. I put out the candy around 2 or so and started talking to Christie. Venum was working at Masterbuilt in New Albany which was a half hour away and he had our only vehicle, his Toyota. I had long since lost my car to another motor problem and I, being a blithering idiot had just neglected the car at a shop in Tupelo and later on, the owner felt the need to sell it for himself. But that was just a story that failed to get told...in spite of its seeming importance.

 Christie had been here for a while and she didn't plan on leaving until sometime after the baby was born. Her job here was to help me so that her brother could take care of his own "business" which I assume she knew to be the sale of drugs. Christie had cooked a huge meal for us on Halloween and us two girls had settled down to watch some television for the night. We didn't say much to each other because there was always an undercurrent of animosity between us. So the sitcoms on televison kept us occupied and helped us to pretend that we wanted to be sociable.

And then something strange happened. I started to feel as if I need to use the bathroom badly...not to pee mind you, but to really and certainly use the bathroom in the most heavy duty way. I felt the pressure on my lower abdomen making me very uncomfortable and so I told Christie that I had to go to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and tried my hardest to do what I had to do...it was horrible. Despite the pressure....nothing happened and so I thought I should help and coax my business to be underway. I pushed and held onto the wall with one hand. (By the way, thanks for allowing me to give TMI here, and yes it is necessary for the story.) Suddenly something popped down below and I thought this was strange. Then a copias amont of fluid came gushing out from one orifice in my nether regions. I realized that the fluid had come from my vagina. I was sweating by then and so I got up to see what was happening. When I looked in the toilet there was a horrible amount of blood and so I panicked. I ran to the living room and told Christie what had happened. She stood up and looked at me crazy then she spoke.

"Sherrie, Your water just broke. I am sure of it." With this statement, she jumped on the phone and started to call her family.

I complained and told her that she needed to let me call the doctor and see what I should do. Christie told me that I should call an ambulance right away. I just called the doctor and she told me that I should just calm down because the baby was probably not coming any time soon. She said to go take a shower and clean myself up and just wait for other signs of birth. And so I did this.

85

1996

At some point, Venum had his car in an shop in Corinth Ms. While we were visting his mother and waiting on his car to be finished, we met a man who sold Amway products. He talked to us so much that he convinced us to try to sell Amway. We were excited because the man and his family had done so very well with selling the products and were in the process of renovating their home. We worked with this man for a while and  also visited his snakes that he kept in his automotive shop in town. I think that his another reason that Venum was drawn to him...because of their mutual love for snakes. I just wanted to be sucessful and if this would work, I wanted to try it as much as Venum. We worked with this idea for a couple months and even met some millionaires at a couple parties. There was a trip that Amway was hosting in Gatlinburg Tn and I made the trip with my aunt. At this point, I was about 7 months pregnant but I enjoyed the gettaway. Of course Venum did not go with us because he had to work. I tried to just enjoy everything without worrying about what was going on at home. Damian moved around so much inside my tummy that I would giggle out loud and people would look at me. I would just point at my belly and smile. They would smile back in understanding. At least when you are pregnant, people understand your silly quirks.

When I arrived home, the apartment was a mess and Venum came out the front door with a weird look on his face. I would not recognize this look until later when I learned that this is what it looks like when you are high on cocaine.

The man from Amway gradually disappeared and the prospect of making something of ourselves through the business faded as well. It was just a dream undone, it seemed. And so, things went on as they were.


Fall

1996

I did not know it but Venum had kept in contact with Margie all this time...even after she had left Chez place. She and her boyfriend along with several others were staying in downtown Tupelo and Venum was hanging out with them on a regular basis. I just couldn't keep up with them and I was trying to stay out of trouble as well.

In the living room, one day in the early fall, I found God. It is not as they all say it will be. There doesn't have to be a church service, a prayer or a loud singing choir. I was just reading some of my material from the clinic and I got this strange feeling inside. It wasn't the fluttering of Damian's tiny movements, it wasn't the dark thing either...it was a warm feeling of love. I just stopped what I was doing and I started to cry. At first I had no idea why I was crying...I just cried softly and my heart filled almost to overflowing with love....unconditional love for everything. I went to my knees and looked toward the window where a beautiful bright light filtered in through the blinds and I just waited...I had no idea what I waited for but I waited.

I felt the love and the acceptance of everything and when Venum came in that night, I was smiling and I was happy even though he was very late coming home.

I started to read the bible every day and I told the nurses at the clinic what had happened to me. They all seemed very happy with what had happened and so they sent me home with more paperwork and bible verses on what it meant to be saved. They said that I should find a church to go to and spend time worshipping and praising God.


1996

Fall

Christie started to come over and help me to clean...as if I needed her to. I never really found it in my heart to like Christie until now. The godliness caused me to be more accepting of her around me. She saw our problem with the pests and so she set out to try and get rid of them herself. We all decided that we should talk to Pam and Sam and see if they would poison at the same time that we did so that the pests could not seek refuge in the safety of either side of the duplex. They never really co operated with us and it was a losing battle. Sometimes at night I would wake up and feel them crawl on me and I would scream. The nights that Christie spent with us, she got up in the middle of the night and talked in tongues. I woke up to see what all the fuss was about and i heard her speaking in a forgeign language. I asked her what she was saying and she explained it to me.

"It is my language that I speak when I am talking with God. No one else can understand what we say to each other."

I was drawn to this and wanted to understand. "So, you was telling god to deal with these roaches, huh"

Christie laughed and replied. "I guess you can say that."

We returned to bed and continued to swat the pests from our bodies throughout the night. Strange thing is...they never seemed to bother Venum...he slept like a baby.


1996

We all went to Venum's mother's church service one Sunday when I was around 8 months pregnant.... well, all of us except Venum...who was again working on his little Toyota stick shift at the neighboring auto shop. I remember the service being very strange to me and much like my cousin's pentacostal service from when I was a pre teen. I couldn't remember much about talking in tongues and so it still enamored me. I watched so many members of my mother in laws church writhing upon the floor and falling backwards. But when Christie jumped from her chair and bent over in pain, I panicked. I reached for her but her mother said "no!" She told me not to interfer with the work of God. And so I watched Christie as she thrashed and spit, finally wobbling out of the room.  I then heard her screaming and grunting and then throwing up. It was the most horrible sound that I had heard in a long time. She gagged and gagged until she was breathless. She never returned to the sanctuary. I sat there and held my pregnant belly and thought about my poor mother and what she would endure or must be enduring with her illness and I couldn't be there for her. I looked down at my belly and wondered if I would grow tumorous things inside like my mother had grown. Was it her other that had congealed and formed as a rock inside her when she refused to use the thing? I was terrified all of a suddden. That is when the female evangelist stopped speaking in tongues and looked out into the audience and called to me. I saw her look right at me and motion for me to come forward. My eyes grew large and I had no intentions of going up upon that stage. My mother in law spoke softly to me.

"Go....she is calling you up."

I looked at my mother in law and shook my head. She smiled and pushed at my shoulder and told me to go again. I didn't want to go but I got up anyway. I protectively held my tummy as I made my way between other worshippers fallen on the ground, leaning over chairs and holding their hands up to high heaven. I swallowed a large lump in my throat but I kept going. when I reached the lady, I looked up at her. What I saw was amazing. She had eyes like mine...not the color, mind you...but what was behind them. She was like me, my mother and maybe others as well. She held something within...something other than what she presented as herself. I was both in awe and frightened horribly...because I half expected to see the dark silly thing come out of her and words of strength and conquest erupt form her lips. And then she spoke to me.

"You should not be afraid. I know you are afraid and I know why you are afraid." She smiled and touched my belly.

I shook my head and smiled back because she was wrong. "No, I am not afraid for my child."
She laughed with her head tilted back and then shook her head. "No child, you are afraid that what your mother is dying from will be what you die from as well. Let me tell you, there is nothing inside you but your child. The thing you fear is gone...for now. And you should not worry about the thing that inhabits your mother as being contagious. Do not fear, my child...for I am with you."

The woman smiled and drew closer. "But what shall you do alone? You cannot do these things alone that you wish to do. You will need the help of the holy spirit. Let me pray for you."

And she did pray for me and she spoke for me. That beautiful language...that mysterious language she spoke as she kept her hand firmly planted on my pregnant belly. She spoke as her entire congregation crawled, ran and writhed about in that little house turned church. As the spirit filled that little house, Damian wiggled about as if he would burst forth from my womb at that very moment. I was like a worm in hot ashes and then I fainted.

84

Burleson's rentals

1996

Our neighbors were odd in my opinion. Sometimes when they smiled, they smiled as if they had a very dark secret. But who am I to judge, maybe we all had very dark secrets at this point. The female was blonde and the male had auburn hair and a mustache. They smiled a lot and seemed to be happy to have neighbors just a wall away. We asked them all sorts of questions about the neighborhood and they said it was quiet for the most part. They were friendly, but they didn't ask us over very often. They would just smile and go back inside...it reminded me of the Invader of the body snatchers. They had cute little names though- Pam and Sam...how flippin cute huh...

In our duplex there was a wrap around couch and a stove in the kitchen. Most other things we had to furnish for ourselves. There was, however, a bed in what was to be our bedroom and that was a relief. We made ourselves at home and I cooked my first meal there...I do not remember what it was but I know that it was home made. I was nesting which means I was cleaning and cooking all the time.


Summer

1996

Since my mother had cancer, they were planning to do chemotherapy. The doctors absolutely refused to do surgery on my mother because the large benign tumor was in the way of the other smaller cancerous ones. She started the treatments and started to feel really badly. Her food lost its taste and her muscles became weakened from the chemicals entering her body. I kept in touch with my  mother by talking to my brother but never went home for a visit. I know that I was not welcome home anymore and my mother was so sick. I do know, however that I was very clingy with Venum around this time and wanted so much for us to become a normal family and so I focused most of my energy on this. It was just me and him, afterall. There was no dark thing inside anymore and I do not know where I actually sent her to...I just knew that she was gone. I think, in some way, I was in denial of mymother's illness as I was in denial of my father's disownment. I never really thought about losing my parents...never before and I didn't think about it then either. I just thought that all would be well someday...and that brings me to explain why my father disowned me. It was because of my love for a man of another color.


1996

One night in the summer

I remembered something from the past...something while living at Chez place. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and I first found out about mother's illness. I traveled home to see her one weekend while Venum was at his grandmother's house. I carried my large poetry book with me in case I wanted to record anything while visiting. On the second day taht i was there, I decided to take a walk into the woods behind my house as I used to do when I was younger. It was a nice walk and I noticed tears in my eyes from thinking of things in the past. I couldn't stay away long because I needed to spend time with my poor mother. She seemed pretty chipper that day but I just wanted to be with her.

When I returned to the house, my father was sitting in his recliner and he had a strange look on his face. The look frightened me...yes, as an adult my father still frightened me. I moved quietly through the living room on my way to the kitchen to see my mother. As I started to leave the room, he called my name. I turned and he was standing. He held my poetry book in his hand and his hand was quivering.

"I read your Satanic writings. I am appalled at the horrible things that you say and the horrible things that you have done, young lady." My father spoke and he had tears in his eyes. He shook all over.
It took me a minute to realize exactly what my father was talking about. I looked down at my poetry book and wondered what he was going to do with it. He chunked it in the floor and walked toward me.

"And...I know about your little white nigger. I know all about those white niggers!" my father's face turned red and he pushed me toward the door. He spoke again as he stopped pushing me. "you and that filthy book, there, are the reasons your mother is dying...I hope you know that! I saw those things in there...I saw what you said about your mother, about me....you hate us!"

My father picked up my poetry book and opened the front door. He chunked my book as hard as he could out of the front door. Then he turned my around by my shoulders and shoved me out the front door as well. I could hear my mother crying from behind him begging him not to hurt me. The he shoved me down the four steps that led off the porch. I tripped and fell. When I got myself back up I saw him holding my mother back from helping me. I picked up my poetry book and left. On the way home, I wept. I did nothing but weep because I felt like nothing I could do was right. My parents hated me, they hated my husband and they hated everything I stood for...my writings were satanic scribbles to them .....they did not see the voice of my soul as my freedom. They saw my writings as a way of my undoing and their undoing. They saw me as a monster who was writing things to cause my mother to die.


1996

I decided that I was going to breast feed when the baby came. I went to all my meetings at the Save a life clinic and I was learning so very much about motherhood. I started doing bible studies everyday. I had to complete questions after every section that I read. I had to read through verses and little stories that explained different scenarios about how to be a better person...a godly person. I fought these things for a very long time, after all I only did this to get free things for my baby. I had no interest in God any more than my atheist boyfriend. I would grudgingly do my assignments and then carry on with life. I would pick up breast pumps, diapers, formula and other things for the baby on each trip to the clinic and I would feel proud for this. I applied to Wic, which was food assistance for needy mothers. I arranged a place in our bedroom for the baby...a little corner for him to enjoy. Venum bought a bassinet for Damian's first bed and it was so adorable to me. I would sit and rub my tummy while looking at the bassinet. I would talk to Damian about everythign that I was thinking. I even purchased a walkman and would put large headphones against my belly so that Damian could listen to bands like Led Zepplin and artists such as Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. There were so many other types of music that I let him listen to as I sat and watched the beautiful weather. I remember when I first felt him move inside of me. That very moment, I was amazed as I had never been amazed before. I had never felt such a sensation...it was as if there were wings fluttering inside of me. For a moment, I had a horrible thought...I thought of the thing... the silly, dark thing...and I thought about those wings. Was she still here...somewhere...was she inside me? Did Damian see her? And worse yet, would she be part of him too? I shivered at the thought and then Venum walked in the door. So, I had to pretend again.


1996

Venum never stopped drinking. Venum never stopped smoking pot and worse yet, he never stopped selling it either. I would sit for hours alone at home while he was out doing things that I may never understand or know about. Most of the time, he didn't come home from work until late. I would cook for him every day when I was pregnant and sometimes the food would grow cold waiting for him. We were not at the duplex long either until we foudn out that we had a pest problem. One night when I cooked, I noticed that we had roaches. I didn't think it was a huge problem so I put out poison for them. But everything I tried did not work. So, I really couldn't leave out food for long. If VEnum was to be out too long, I had to just put everything away. When he came home, sometimes he didn't even eat. I learned over time that summer that he was selling drugs as much as he had done before. He stayed out late lots of times as he drank with friends. I stayed at home, cleaned and cooked and talked to Damian. I wanted things to be different but when I tried to talk to Venum he would grow angry and leave again. When he would leave out of anger, he wouldn't come back until very late into the night. Once he got so drunk that he ran his car off the road and walked home. He was so drunk that he really didn't care if he got his car back. I remember going with him to catch a ride to pick up his car. He didn't seem too concerned. To him, it was rather funny.

1996

I do not remember what the argument was really about but I know that it pertained to Venum's drinking. I tried to approach the subject and talk about how we should grow up for the baby's sake. I just remember that Venum grew so angry that he pushed me out of the bed and onto the floor because I wanted him to talk to me. I just sat there and cried, heartbroken, until I finally just went into the living room to be alone for a while. I think I slept on the couch that night.

83

1996

Spring

I felt you growing inside and I would smile. For the most part, I felt peace. I still hadn't found a job yet and so I went about my daily routine of cooking and talking to you while rubbing my tummy.
Venum would place his ear upon my belly and listen as Damian grew inside. We had picked the name from the movie Omen. Venum had gotten me to watch the movie so that I would know who the character "Damian" was. I thought the name was cool and so I agreed to the decision.
But without having a job myself, the living got very hard. Venum never stopped drinking and I was eating more...eating for two of course as the saying goes. I was still having to wake Venum up to get him to bed; sometimes even picking him up and dragging him into the bedroom because he was completely passed out from the drink. I was no longer drinking or smoking pot and so I was quite strict on others coming into the apartment as well. So, I dealt with his drunkenness for the most part. Besides, I was so enamored and in love with my new pregnancy. I was just filled with so much light and love that it was hard to bring me down.

It became very hard to pay the rent and so Venum and I started to wonder if we should move again.

1996

Spring

I was sleeping peacefully one morning when I heard the strangest sound coming from the living room. If you have ever heard an egg timer then you know exactly what the noise sounded like that I was hearing. I hear it buzzing and buzzing and so I went into the kitchen to see what Venum was cooking...cuz obviously he was cooking something by using the timer.
When I got to the kitchen it was louder and so I looked into the living room. I saw Venum carrying a large box and the sound was very loud. He smiled and looked up at me.

"Lookie what I got!"

He turned the box around and I looked inside. It was a very large rattlesnake. I gasped.
"This is our new pet, Sherrie. His name is Firecracker. He is a rattlesnake." Venum beamed as if he had just done the best thing in the world. He was so proud of what he had in his hands.
I was in so much shock that I grasped my pregnant belly as if to somehow protect the baby.
"No...NO....NO... you aren't keeping that thing!" I spoke sternly.

I spoke sternly all day though and guess what...he kept it. We would keep the snake for many many years to come. I learned that day that when it all was said and done. I had no authority. In reality I was just being there witnessing what Venum thought was best for us. I fought for a bit but he always won. Since I sent the thing inside me away, I was timid and bent easily to Venum's will.
Firecracker became a member of our growing snake family.

1996

June 27

Venum had gone through several jobs by this time. He worked for a plant that was experiencing extreme overtime. The money was good but it did not last. Venum got drunk on lunch break with a friend of his named Chris and then he ran the fork lift into a pole in the warehouse. He was instantly fired. Then he found a job in the neighboring town of New Albany. He began as a temporary worker at Masterbuilt. Things seemed to be looking up for us.

One night after Venum came home from work, we watched some porn and he then said he needed to tell me something. I had previously been bugging him about wanting to get married because I thought Damian should have his last name. I loved Venum and this was not the only reason that I wanted to get married. So, after watching the porn and repeatedly having wild sex, Venum proposed to me. I know all this seems so unconventional, but we were kids. We thought it was very appropriate to celebrate marriage thru porn.

On June 27th 1996, Venum and I drove to Selmer Tn and got married at the Justice of Peace. We were presented with a bag of hygeine products to start off our new life with. I remember that I was already 5 months pregnant and my wedding attire was a maternity skirt and white blouse. There are no pictures of our wedding and there were no witnesses.

On the way back to Chez place, the car ran hot. It was the first time, since my last motor overhaul that the car had an issue. After we arrived at the apartment, we decided for sure that we would have to find a cheaper place to live...we were married now and things would be different....or so we thought.

1996

Summer

I started to remember things from before my pregnancy. I am not sure why I did this...I would just sit and think for long periods of time about things that happened at Chez place. I don't know if I was just unforgiving about things or if it was just the hormones racing through my body. I remembered that I had broken my toe and work and was worried about getting fired for smoking pot. I remember that when they sent me to the doctor, I drank a whole bottle of vinegar and squirted a bottle visine into my urine. I also remember getting very drunk with Venum that weekend thinking that I might lose my job after the results of the drug test...but I didn't lose my job. I wondered if I should have stayed at work, since I passed the drug test and kept my job...seems I squandered my blessings. I then started to think of the time that I got so drunk that I wanted to fight everyone that came into the apartment. I remembered how I stood up to them and even started to shove some of them around. I knew that I had gotten tired of the whole bullshit coming and going of the pimps and whores around Chez place.
I sat on the couch at Chez place for the last time that day that I reminisced and I thought about all these things. I remembered so much from here in such a short period of time. It had been a year of memories. I remembered then of how the whole world seemed to be frozen just a couple months earlier...the Ice Storm of 96, mind you, not as severe as the Ice Storm of 94 ...but none the less, it was bad. I remember how the water froze while I was perming Venum's hair. When we got ready to wash out the chemicals, which by the way, burn horribly if not taken out soon enough, we had no water. We had to run all over the apartment complex to find a shower that worked. Venum suffered some burns but we made it.

As I gathered my last things....I remembered the kiss in the parking lot. I remember how Dexter stood and took that picture of me and Venum right outside that window to the north. I would miss Chez place but somehow I knew there was much more to come. I reached down and rubbed my belly and spoke.

"You are so special, Damian. I hope your memories are special."

1996

Burleson Trailer Park and Duplex

Our rent was cheaper here and it was a little bigger. Of course we decided to live in a Duplex of the property instead of the trailer park. I was complaining that the trailer park had a bad reputation and that the Duplex would be a little better. My aunt came down and helped us to get things settled.
I picked out a certain room as our bedroom and the second room was for the snakes. We now had lots of them and we also had three chinchillas. We chose to give the snakes the second bedroom instead of our coming child.
And so it was...We would have a go at it here and see where fate took us.

82

1996

Winter

I had no idea what the appointments would consist of but I would soon be enveloped by nurses and couselors who wished to save my baby. Considering that I had just had an abortion the year before, they were very dilligent in making sure that I had ample time in counseling and bible studies. Mind you, I was no christian and really had interest in learning about God but in order to get help with my pregnancy needs; I had to go along with it as they saw fit.

The hardest part of the counseling was the mandatory abortion counseling. I do not really know how humane the procedure was but I was subjected to relive the abortion I went through before....meaning the details given to me and watching a video about abortion. I was made to watch three different women having an abortion on video. I had to watch the procedure from the moment of their individual counseling until the point where they showed what actually happens to the fetus. Watching the video was simply horrible and watching the dead bodies of fetus' torn apart by the abortion suction machine was enough to make me sick. I remember almost fainting while watching the videos. When I asked to be excused, the answer was no and the reason was always because I had done this before and I must know what really happens. I must be witness to the murder that I committed. And so, for days, I was subjected to video after video of performed abortions. I just sat there and wondered if it was a mistake to have gotten rid of the silly little part of me that used to dwell inside.

It was just me now....and I had to be a big girl.


1996

Winter

I was very sick for many months during the winter. The sickness was only assuaged by eating crackers first thing in the morning and drinking Sprite. I grew so incredibly sick that it hurt my work performance. Many times, I requested to sit with the sewing ladies and make medical products on the machines while sitting down. Most of the time I was refused my requests. I couldn't stay on the work floor for long at all because I kept having to run to the bathroom. Finally, I got fed up with trying to get some leniency and so I asked to go home.

I knew that night that I would not be returning to Bio Clinic. I asked Venum if I could quit because I was so sick and they did not care about it. I explained that I had tried on many occasions to get them to understand but they only saw work, they only saw what I could do for them and not how I felt. Venum told me that I should quit and look for another job somewhere else that maybe would be more suitable for my condition. I instantly was relieved and decided to call the next day and let them know that I would not be coming back.


1996

I tried to find a job at several different places but didn't really have any luck. One job that I acquired seemed pretty easy at first but I just couldn't satisfy the company with my performance. I was to make calls and give these long speeches in order to sell a service to the companies that I was contacting. It was very similar to a telemarketer's job and really seemed pretty simple. But according to the boss, I sounded as if I was reading from a script (in which I was) and that I should try harder. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't speak right in their eyes. I just didn't have the voice nor the tack to approach the subject matter in a friendly and casual way. I quit that job after two weeks out of frustration and aggravation.


1996

I had a doctor's appointment with my gynecologist for a regular pregnancy check or similar to a pap smear. When they checked my cervix they found abnormal cells growing there. They told me that It could be cancer but they wouldn't know until they got the test results back. When the tests came back, they were not cancerous but only pre cancerous. If not removed they could turn into cancer. I was told that I could not have them removed unless I was willing to lose the baby because there was a high chance that they surgery would cause an abortion to occur. I was horrified and so I agreed to wait until the baby was born to have the growths removed. The doctor assured me that the growths would probably remain in the same state until 9 months later and so that calmed me a bit. Venum was there with me on that appointment and assured me that everything would be okay. I was very grateful for this time that he was there for me. I remember being comforted by his presence that day and comforted by the thought of protecting my baby at all costs.

81

1996

Winter

I never meant for this life to be so complicated but yet, who does mean for that to happen. I sat outside and watched the cars go by and wondered what it would be like to just stand in front of one of them...but it probably wouldn't kill me...chances are. I would probably be maimed horribly and still be pregnant. I thought of getting a knife from the kitchen and slitting my wrists but I probably couldn't do that right either. As Venum walked outside to go to work, I looked up at him and wondered when I should tell him. He seemed oblivious to anything being wrong with me and so he bent down and kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and then walked around the corner to work. I watched him disapear and then continued to think of how I should end it all.
The darkness was normal to me...I found it pleasant sometimes and oddly comfortable. I would swim in the darkness, dance in the darkness and I would die there if darkness would have me. But I was innocent despite my dark and hateful ways. It was an innocence that was strange and yet as pure as new flowers...but it had spots...crimson spots of vengeance and retribution strewn all over its soft fleshy body. And the dark was innocent as well. It did not understand what it was doing and it had no concience to see and feel what the other was doing to me...changing and transforming me daily...but into what?


1996

The dreams continue

I saw her standing there...yes, it sounds like a line from a famous song...but I really did see her standing there. She was bathed in a beautiful golden light; but she was dead. I knew she was dead because I saw the crimson stains on her little dress again. But this time, she did not cry out and she did not plead for me to take her into my arms. She just stood there and looked at me and she was cold as cold could be. I could not touch her but I knew that she was cold.
And then it was dark..dark in my dreams. I was walking and I could feel sections of something underneathe my feet. I felt where one peice would meet the other and then I felt a large hard object bump up against my right foot and so, I climbed over it. I felt myself descending a hill in slow motion. Then I heard the sound, it was loud but distant...but growing closer by the minute. I saw the light and it radiated filling the whole environment with pale light. I Looked down and saw the grass beneathe my feet, looked back up the hill and saw the railroad track and then I saw her. My mother was running down the track away from the light but the light was gaining on her. She began to scream and so I made my way back up the hill to help her to get off the track. I could only go so far and I was stopped...by what, I don't know. I could feel the air was thick in front of me but I could not push onward. Mother screamed and ran faster. I saw the train then...a monstrous hideous thing that reached forward with steel claws. I saw its razor sharp teeth marred with gore and blood. I saw its eyes and they grew larger the closer the train got to my mother. I gnashed its teeth together and then it roared like a real train. Mother stumbled and fell. I screamed for her but she could not hear me, she was putting her hands over her face and all she could do was continue to wail. I watched the train grow closer...closing in on my poor mother. I heard the train roar again sending shivers throughout my whole dream being. I saw the train reach out...and devour my  mom.


1996

Winter

I knew this conversation was inebitable. I knew that the thing inside would feed off more of me than I had to offer. I cringed and closed the front door of the apartment. I had decided that I had to be away from my home for a while. The thing inside grew impatient and she wanted to play. I climbed into my car and drove away into the night while Venum was still sleeping. This night he has passed out drunk and I was sure I could get away without any problem. I drove through town and stopped somewhere along Main street, west of the coliseum. There I found a parking lot and stepped from the car. I was simply dressed; jeans and v neck shirt but I was pretty to say the least. I was not me at all and so despite what I wore...the thing inside made it more than what it was. The thing inside was invincible and glamorous and she had the will to make things immortal as it may seem.
I walked the streets of Tupelo and surveyed everything around me. I watched the  people getting into cars and wondered who it would be that she would approach this night. Then I saw him, he sat alone on the north side of the street with his head in his hands. I could feel his desperation and I wanted to envelop it. I walked across the street and languidly approached him. I put my hand on the top of his head and then the thing spoke for me.

"I am here."

The man looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. I saw the anguish in his voice and the pain in the quiver of his lips. I also saw the surprise when he looked into my eyes. Did he see me there or did he see her. Exactly who was me and who was her...it became muddled sometimes.  I bent down and took his face in my hands.

"I have been looking for you. All these places, all these towns...and I walk into yours, huh?" I smiled

This made the man smile then quickly look confused but yet,  he beckoned me to sit with him. I sat down and watched his face as it turned to mine. He was cute, maybe he was 27 or 30...he was not that old and he seemed awfully mature for his age. He talked to me of his problems and his life before moving down south. I listened to every drop and morsel which fell from his lips as he talked. I moved closer to him and sniffed him...he smelled like sweat and way too much alcohol....but i wanted him....she wanted him...the things writhed within to take him at her pleasure. I felt her moving inside and telling me to take him...push him down to the concrete and have my way with him. She said he was fodder for me to grow and that I needed this.

The thing spoke.. "I think your soul needs mine.... What did you say your name was?"

The man looked at me and frowned. "I never told you my name but it is Ramone."

"Ramone...what a wonderful name." The thing smiled inside and then I smiled.

As I was moving in for the kiss, I stopped abruptly. I felt myself shaking very badly and then pulled away. The pain started..somewhere in my belly I felt a sharp pain as if I was being stabbed by this stranger which sat before me. I felt myself rise up against my other and I bled inside. I cringed and pulled back against the curbside. The pain grew worse and the stranger moved to help me. Before I knew what I was doing, I pounced on him knocking him backwards onto the pavement. I looked down into his eyes panting with pain. His face was a mixture of anger and excitement and so he smiled timidly. I fought there for long moments with the thing inside and right before I gained control, It spoke to the man once more.

"Ah...this little bitch is inhibiting me from my purpose...and now she grows another within that shall take her heart. If her body wasn't mine as well....I would tell you to kill her....and you would."
I know the man pushed me off and called me a bitch. I know he called me crazy and he walked away but...

That's all I remember. I just know that I made her leave that night. I told her to go away and never come back. I was having my baby and there was nothing she or anyone else could do to make me change my mind. I screamed for her to leave...while trapped inside while she attempted to molest that poor man. I have bits and peices of this but no real recollection of the order in which the events took place. I was to learn many many years later how to control the thing within...to a certain point...but I was never ever going to make peace with it. It was simply...the other.

I know that I left that curbside and that stranger in one hell of a hurry. I never seen him again in my whole life. I slipped back into bed covered in tar from the pavement. It's funny how people never notice things about others...like how Venum looked at me and never asked me why my hands were covered with debris form the asphalt nor why I just wouldn't talk to him that morning.


1996

Winter

I wasn't giving it up and I was poor. Venum never gave me money and I had very little to spare after bills. Lots of times, I would pay most of the bills due to the fact that Venum found other things to spend money on. Don't get me wrong, I blew vast amounts of money on fast food as well. We were both very immature and just learning to be adults.

I couldn't afford any more doctor bills and so I found a free clinic called "Save a life". This clinic was where girls would go to keep from having an abortion, an Abortion Alternative Clinic. These ladies specialized in arranging adoptions, counseling, free pregancy tests and etc. I went in to the clinic and waited to speak to someone.

The deal was..if I went through all the abortion counseling, took bible courses and agreed to take my prenatal vitamins; I would get free  things for the baby and all my tests would be free as well. I agreed to the arrangement and made my first appointment to follow up after the pregnancy test. I took the official pregnancy test and I was indeed pregnant. I smiled for the first time in so long because I was gonna have this baby. For that moment in time...I could not have been happier.

I talke to Damian...all the way home. I know that I did not know his name then...but I would. I would know Damian for 9 months before he ever entered the world. I would talk to him, read to him and play music with a little radio pressed up against my belly. But I get ahead of myself...things will be revealed in time.

When I left that clinic, I drove to a park and sat within the car. I had one more chance to speak the words that I needed to speak to the thing within.

"And I mean what I said...I don't need you anymore. I want to be good, I want to be innocent...If I am good then they will be good to me. Please, let me have this."

I cried and left the thing behind. I looked in my rearview mirror and watched the little fairy that was me, sitting at the foot of a tree with her arms crossed. I couldn't tell what face she was making but I could feel her tugging at me.

80

1995

It's not that I didn't like people at all; it is just that I was thrown head first into a pool of writhing animated bodies. There were new poeple coming from everywhere and it sometimes made me feel nervous. Margie moved out of the apartment next to ours and a tall skinny guy who closely resembled Shaggy from Scooby Doo, moved in the vacant apartment. His name was Clinton and he loved to watch Nick at Night way over into the late night and early morning. He was very friendly and didn't conciously exclude me from the conversations...I liked that about him. I grew close to him before things started to become a haze. Clinton played guitar really well and could play most of the classic rock songs. I loved to sit and listen to him for hours,in fact; we did that very thing on many occasions.

Clinton was a Meth head. At that time, I didn't even know the term for what Clinton did...he was just always awake and there for us when we needed to talk to someone about things we were going through. It wasn't long before we were grilling food together, getting drunk and ...of course, delving into Chrystal Meth. I remember exactly how it was done. At first we broke the end off a light bulb and cleaned out the white residue from inside. Then we shook the powdered Meth into the light bulb and we used a straw to suck the fumes up and into our lungs. I cannot remember how many times that I experimented with Meth but I do remember that at least on one occasion, I did not sleep for three days straight. I remember the high as being extraordinary and how excited and energized that I was. I do know that I smoked Chrystal Meth more than one time and we all laughed into many late late nights and onto the many mornings following before we crashed.


1995

Not only did we have Hissy as a pet; but we acquired two more snakes as well. The next snake that we bought from the pet store was named VJ. VJ was my snake and I named him after Venum...he was Venum Junior. Yeah, I guess you can say I thought that was awfully damn cute. Venum also bought another snake and called her Brock. Both snakes were Ball Pythons. Later on we acquired a fourth snake and named her Viper...she was a Boa Constrictor. We had one whole wall of our living room covered with snake cages. It was almost as if we had a small petting zoo in our living room. I wasn't afraid of them though and many times I would take them out and play with them. But when I realized how they had to eat, it was another story. At first I would not feed them myself...I just didn't have the heart to kill those poor mice. The first time Venum brought home a mouse to feed the snakes, I got very upset. I remember him walking over to the table and whacking the mouse against the hard surface of the table top. I saw the brutality of the act and I ran screaming form the house. I cried in my car while Venum fed the first mouse to one of our snakes. Venum laughed at me and it took him a while to get me out of the car. After a few feedings, I just hardened my heart and watched a little more at a time. Eventually, I was doing the job myself. I would take the mouse by the tail and pop him like you would pop a wet ass with a towel after coming out of the shower. I learned those days that hearts can be hardened over time...many things can be done that one would think is virtually impossible. We, as humans can turn our heads to suffering, pain and death when given the right amount of training. To learn these things from feeding a mouse to a snake is interesting indeed. I grew to feeding my own snake and all the others when Venum was too busy to take care of them. It was an interesting thing to go through.


1995

The other pets.

I read about these animals called Chinchillas. These rodent like creatures were native of the Andes Mountains in south America. They were hunted for their coats. My first Chinchilla was named Biscuit and I loved him very much... holding him as much as I could. I remember that I would love to let him out of the cage to get excercize. He was such an entertainment for company when he would run between their legs and hop up on their laps. I remember so vividly how hard it was to catch him when we had to put him back in his cage. Oh, he was a riot and I think he mostly resembled a cross between a squirrel, a rat and a rabbit. Chinchillas are very adorable creatures. Unfortunately, Venum put out rat poison for some of the rats that he couldnt catch for the snakes. One day when Biscuit was taking a run around the house, he got into the poison. I remember when I caught him and how easy it was to catch him...he just flopped over and wiggled. We rushed him to the vet but he just didn't make it. I remember how bad it hurt when he died. Not long afterwards, I decided I wanted more Chinchillas because I had just fallen in love with them. I decided to buy a pair of them to start breeding my own rodent like fur bearers. Apparently, one of them would sell for a hundred dollars. I bought two of them in a large three story cage and placed it in the living room opposite from the snake cages. When me and Venum would get stoned, we would blow smoke into their cage. It was amazing how excited and horney these creatures got when they were high. We would sit and be entertained for hours by the antics of these creatures.


1996
Winter

Steve

If you have ever seen the show "Beavus and Butthead" and remember what the character "Beavus" looked like; then you know exactly what Steve looked like. He was a spitting image of Beavus and acted a lot like him as well. Steve moved into the apartment beside us when Clinton  moved out. We all became fast friends and hung out with Lily, her boyfriend and her boyfriends brother. We were generally a good group...getting drunk and stoned and staying in trouble as much as possible.
An ice storm was coming and we were all packed into our little apartments awaiting the event. We would run next door to talk to Steven then he would run to our apartment to talk to us. Some of the friends of his would hang out with us including whatever girlfriend he had at the time. When the ice storm finally came, we got in Steve's car and headed down to the Barnes Crossing Mall parking lot. We did donuts on the ice until the security ran us away. Then we came back to the apartments and got stoned and drunk until we passed out. Lily and the guys would come by the next day and wake us from our undead like slumber. I could hear them all arguing outside the front door and I would just put my pillow over my face and go back to sleep.

I liked Lily well enough but I knew something was happen
ing between her and Venum. At that point, I thought it was sexual but thinking back on the whole situation...I think that maybe he was supplying her with cocaine or crack ...or something of the nature. You see, I did experiment with harder substances but I never really got hooked on them. Little known to me, Venum was already hooked on harder drugs than he led me to believe. Even Steve, our beloved friend, was hooked on some of the harder stuff. And he had a large female customer base...I assume.

 If that was not the reason then I was right to be jealous. I may never know whether I was right to feel the way I felt. As an older adult, I find myself zoning out when I feel the ugly head of jealousy rearing...Oh, i feel it..I just feel ashamed of it.  As far is Lily is concerned, I never really knew what her deal was. I  may seem jealous as this story goes on, and yes, at times, I was very jealous...but I think, in retrospect, I had a good reason to be. The number of unknown strangers that frequented our home was numerous...I cannot even keep up with them now. It was like a small business. I remember waking to the voices coming from my living room. When I would walk into the room, I would be face to face with people who were looking at ME as if I didn't belong in my own home. It was as if I was the stranger in that time and place of my life. No wonder...I continued to grow angry as time went on.


Winter
1996

After the Ice storm

I was sick again, mom was sick too...Venum was Venum as Venum does...as usual... and the world was sick. Thank god that Venum wasn't sick as well.

My brother let me know that three of the tumors insid my mother...the smaller ones.. were malignant(cancerous) and the biggest one was benign. The doctors could not operate because the big one was in the way of the others. I know I heard the news but yet, I could not process it...could not make it jell into my brain.

I started to throw up the next day...and the next...followed by the next. I couldn't understand if it was nerves or something else. I got a strange thought and so I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

The thing inside grew angry and screamed.

79

1995

Fall

Venum managed to get a job behind Chez Place at the Shell station. He would be working first shift and I would continue to work at the plant on second shift. Things were changing again...and as you must know by now..change was not easy for me. We planned to talk to each other on my breaks when he would page me. We both had pagers and we would alert each other when we wanted to talk and the other one would get to a pay phone and make the call. That was the way before cell phones...that was the way we were able to talk during this time. While I was at work, Venum would hang out with people at our apartment and get high and drink. When I would come home...there were strangers for the most part in my living room. I don't mean two or three strange people...but at least 8 strangers would be lounging all over the couches, the chairs and sitting in the floor. Most nights, I would come in and sit in the corner looking at my fish in the aquarium. I could hear them talking but I would try so hard to drown our their voices. I didn't feel like I belonged in my own house. After several nights of feeling panicky, I requested that Venum send his friends home before I came in. I didn't know them, they were trampling all over my things, draggin in mud on my floor and Venum was not cleaning up after them at all. I wanted to be able to come home and feel comfortable and have down time for myself. I often came home to loud mouth strangers spilling beer and fighting in my living room. I didn't think my request was all that bad...apparently Venum did. AFter sending them home a couple times, they all went back to their routine of hanging out in the apartment even hours after I had come home. Sometimes, I even tried to sleep and I could hear them ranting in the front room. It seemed that Venum had no respect for what I needed or wanted.

ONe night, I stood from my chair by the aquarium and walked out into the living room. I stood there looking down at all the idiots and wishing I could just throw them out. But I was quiet...just standing there and I even smiled. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. I snatched a bottle from the nearest kid and downed the rest of his beer.

"I really think everyone should fuck off." I stated in a very sweet voice. Venum starred up at me and was kind of surprised by my actions.

At first they just starred at me too and then one by one...they left.


1995

fall

My mother had another doctor's appointment and so I decided to go with her this time. While we were waiting in the waiting room, she talked about mundane things and how much she had missed me lately. I just sat there thinking about her condition and wondering what it was, exactly. I would have missed what she was saying if I had not have noticed the word "baby." Because of my dreams lately, I picked out the single word in her conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" Mom said as she looked down at her hands folded upon her large belly.

I was taken aback by her words and so I just looked toward her. She turned to me and spoke again.
"I know you lost your baby, sherrie." Her peircing black eyes grew small and she just waited for me to answer.

I frowned then spoke. "I ...uh, I ...I just didn't want to worry you, Moma." I frowned and then looked at her again.

"How did you know I was pregnant?"

She laughed and then let out a great sigh. "I know lots of things about you. No one tells me things, I just know."

I smiled a sickly smile and realized somthing else about my mother. Her eyes were like mine...yes, they were black, deep and big like a baby doll...this is true. But they were like mine in other ways. Mother knew things like I knew things. Mother knew things in ways that most people don't like to talk about. Mother was not just mother...as I was not just me.

I wondered if she had an other and I thought I saw it in her eyes.

Did something else take control of her when she felt weak...I never knew, I did not know...I would never get the chance to find out.


1995

fall

The pain was almost gone and I was almost living a normal existence...well, as normal as a drug dealing, crazy girl with bi sexual tendencies can be. I started to cook more often and experiment with different recipes. I even realized that cooking was something that I really liked to do. I would make meals for Venum and leave them for him when I would go to work. Sometimes, I would carry meals to work for him. I took pride in doing nice things for him because no matter what happened...I loved him. I can say that at this time in my life, I had thoughts for no other.



That thing that happened

Venum had this friend named Joe. Joe was a drunkard. Yes, I know that all of our friend drank at some time or the other but Joe was bad....he was really bad. One day he came to the apartment with a red rose. He said he had bought the rose for his girlfriend but he had decided to give it to me. I really did not like the idea and so I tried to give it back to him. Venum told me to take it and so I did.
Every time that Joe came by he couldn't keep his hands off me. He loved to touch my waist, my shoulders and my head. He had to always have a hug from me and he called it just "friendly". I started to get irritated by the fact that he wouldn't stop touching me. I asked him to stop and he didn't stop...in fact Venum got angry at me for over reacting and said that he wasn't hurting me. I would look to Venum with a pleading look in my eyes and I tried to convey how bad it made me feel for Joe to touch me. He simply found it ridiculous that I was complaining. At some point, I told Joe to leave because I did not like him touching me. He did leave and I saw that it made Venum very furious when I did that.

When me and Venum were alone in the apartment, I walked up to him and touched his shoulder. He spun around and shoved me off him. I proceeded to talk rapidly, trying to tell Venum about how my child abuse made me nervous around men and he just told me to shut up. I tried over and over to get the words out but he wouldn't listen. He proceeded to throw things around the apartment and to break things. He broke a chair and he ripped things from the wall. I started to cry and beg him to listen to me. I was shaking by the time he had pulled the blinds from the windows. He yelled and yelled about how he didn't know why he was even with me to begin with. I clung to the door because I was scared. He got in my face and then he shoved me back. I was breathing rapidly expecting him to hit me but he didn't hit me this time. He just shoved me out of the way and walked out the door. I don't know where he went but he didn't come back until it was night.