1998
I remember when Damian took his first steps. I was sitting with him in the living room and we were both watching television. For months, he had scooted across the floor never really being able to crawl. I had tried everything to help him to crawl like other babies but it just wasn't working. I even asked his doctor why he wasn't crawling and so the doctor took an xray to check for any abnormalities. The xray showed that Damian had extra vertebrae and it was preventing him from crawling. Soon his little scoots led to pulling up by holding onto the couch. And then he was climbing.
One day Venum came in the front door and spoke to Damian. Damian stood and just walked over to him. There was no warning of what he was about to do. His little face just lit up and he wobbled over to his father and fell into his arms.
1998
Damian hated baby food...especially spinach. I would just shovel baby food into his mouth while watching television. I regret now that I didn't give him my full attention back then. I missed so many funny faces that he made...I am sure of it. I do however have so many pictures of him from times that we took him to the park and such fun things as that. I just wish I had spent every minute of my young adulthood paying more attention to my babies. Even the times when he would spit out some nasty new baby food that I was so proud that I bought. I missed those faces because I thought that those stupid shows on television were so much more important than my child.
1998
It was always me and Damian....well, most of the time. Sometimes it seemed like I was a single mother. I know this is wrong to say but it was how I felt. The days that Venum had martial arts classes, he would come in, run to the shower and then run out. Most of the time, he wouldn't get home until I was in the bed going to sleep or sleeping. Damian was almost always asleep when he came home. Most nights Venum had liquir on his breath and sometimes he was drunk. Yes, he was drinking and driving and he never really stopped. On the weekends, we sometimes had time together but more times than not, there was someone coming over to see Venum (it was usually about drugs but I wasnt' sure of it at that time.) Or they were coming to hang out with him, taking him somewhere to hang out or etc. I tried to get Venum to keep Saturday for us but it never worked. There was always something else that came between us. So, as I said, it was usually me and Damian. I would look at him and my mind would wander. Sometimes my depression would be so bad that I would just mindlessly feed him and mindlessly hold him. Some days, I would put him in his playpen and just wander around in the yard. On the really bad days, I would burn myself before starting the day. It could be cigarettes, joints or even candles. My heart was becoming strange and I was trying to be a mother. It was hard for me. Sometimes I just wanted to be alone and I would put Damian in his bed and fill it with toys so that he didn't bother me. If he got hungry, I would feed him hotdogs and then lay down and curl into fetal position. I called Venum many times during the day but most times, he was too busy, he was talking to someone or he wouldn't even answer the phone. Some days it was all I could do to stay alive. My mental state was deteriorating gradually. One day, I was cutting potatos to make potato salad for dinner. I started to fantacize about cutting my wrists and this time...ending it. I held the knife ther for moments while tears ran down my face. I could hear Damian start to cry for me but after a while it faded into the back of my head. My head and ears started to buzz and I grew dizzy. I gripped the knife tighter and tighter and brought it to my wrist. I dropped the potato and then put the knife to my wrist. Damian screamed really loudly and I snapped awake from my daze. I threw the knife into the sink and cried. Then, ignoring Damian's cries, I ran outside, paced back and forth and cried some more.
1998
I secretly went to see a therapist because I was scared. I felt so empty inside and I needed someone to tell me what to do. I had no idea how to live the life that was given to me. I was weak and a terrible mother. I told the therapist about my life...everything, including my life with Venum. She listened and she told me, basically, that If I was unhappy, I coudl leave. She said that there were ways to help single mothers and that I shouldn't have to be afraid.
I never had any intention to leave Venum and so I left the therapist and wondered what option I had now. I loved Venum and I didn't want to break up our family.
1998
Winter
The hairdresser who had dyed my hair bright red, he damaged my hair horribly. I had to have it cut off very short. I was not used to having my hair short and it felt weird when I went outside. It was winter and the cold air on the back of my neck drove me nuts. But after a while, I got used to it and got used to the new look. Venum hated it, he prefered my short hair. He also preferred me to be smaller and so I started working out more. Every time, I gained weight, he would tell me that it was gross and tell me that I should work out more. I remember him telling me after Damian was born that I had to get rid of that stuff...he was pointing at my belly which was stretched from being pregnant. I have been working ever since to get rid of my baby fat. I was almost there. For motivation, I told Venum to call me fat every morning so that I would get out of bed and work out. Every morning, not only would he call me fat but he would kick me out of bed so that I would work out...and I did.
I just wanted to be what he wanted....as hard as I tried...I seemed to fail.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
97
1998
Those personal things.
Of course, after Damian was born, I had to take care of the problems concerning my female concerns. My gynacologist told me to make another appointment after my baby's birth and so I did this very thing. He told me that they would have to do cryogenic removal of the dysplasia on my cervix. I had no real idea what this consisted of but I did know that Cryo had to do with freezing...and I remember when I was a teenager and had acne so bad the dermatologist had to do a cryofreeze on the skin of my face. So I resevered myself to have the procedure done to remove all pre-canerous cells from my cervix.
The procedure was not fun because there was no anesthetic. It seemed the concensus lately to not give me any pain meds. I wondered secretly if the doctor enjoyed causing me pain and then I laughed it off. I sat again in those stirrups and felt the contractions in my uterus as the nurse performed the cryo surgery. It was not as bad as child birth nor was it quite as bad as the abortion....but it was worse than menstrual cramps. I remember looking at a poster on the wall as the nurse did the procedure. The poster was asking the patient to rate their level of pain. I just rolled my eyes and wondered how they come up with such bullshit. How could anyone compare pain to a number? Pain just couldn't be measured that easily.
After the procedure was over, I was told to abstain from having sexy for a couple weeks. That always caused problems with Venum and I because he always had sex with me before I was supposed to have sex. On several occasions, I had started to hurt because he just wouldn't wait and he was almost always rough. I was afraid of the pain that I might go through because of the pain that I felt in my female parts.
Maybe, I would be called a freak but not because I had many sexual partners...because besides my sexual abuse and my relations with girls; Venum was my first consensual male sex partner. I may be called a freak because I liked to experiment with different things. Some things I liked to do, some I did not and some still hang within the balance...
Sometimes, Venum wanted to have sex in different areas of my body...different orifices. At first I was scared and actually terrified. I remember the first time I had anal sex and how bad it hurt. He said it was because I just couldn't relax. I tried to relax but it was still very painful. Over time, I learned to relax and it wasn't as bad. Although, I did not do this on a very regular basis. I think maybe we experimented like this...oh, maybe once every 5 months or so. I wanted to please him and I was curious about it too. The first time we did this, he told me that other girls told him that they liked it and said it felt good. I only thought it felt good if he played with my clit at the same time. In that way, I did climax during anal sex...otherwise, it was just painful.
I tried to titie fuck him but my tits were never big enough. So I would hold them together and fuck him that way. I know my language is crass but that is just what it is...fuck is to fuck. I learned to suck dick pretty well because I did it on so many occasions. And when I was in pain, on the crimson wave or when I was fresh out surgery....that was the way I would please him. I learned things...not all things....but enough.
I realized early on that I loved certain things with Venum but certain things I just couldn't bring myself to do. I realized by myself that I loved bondage but I didn't really like for Venum to do this to me. He was already very dominant and violent at times. I really didnt feel comfortable with him being too rough on me....he already was rough enough. I dreamed of being able to let him tie me up, cuff me and pull my hair. Some times, I tried and let him do it for a while but deep inside, I was terrified of him. He didn't know how scared I really was of him. It was like walking on pins and needles. But I tried. You see...to be submissive in sexual relationships was to have respect and garner respect from the dom...I did not feel respected and so I could not become that part of me. I did, however try to retain the submissive quality as much as possible outside the bedroom.
Venum never pleasured himself in front of me and I never really knew what it looked like. When he was gone, I would pleasure myself and he never seen that either....not at this time. I had a small vibrator and at first he didn't know about it. When he found out that I had it, he got angry and made me throw it away. It wasn't bigger than him...in fact, it was smaller. He just didn't think I needed it because I had him. I reluctantly threw it away and when he was gone, I would just use my finger to pleasure myself. I hid this from him because I thought he would get mad.
Those personal things.
Of course, after Damian was born, I had to take care of the problems concerning my female concerns. My gynacologist told me to make another appointment after my baby's birth and so I did this very thing. He told me that they would have to do cryogenic removal of the dysplasia on my cervix. I had no real idea what this consisted of but I did know that Cryo had to do with freezing...and I remember when I was a teenager and had acne so bad the dermatologist had to do a cryofreeze on the skin of my face. So I resevered myself to have the procedure done to remove all pre-canerous cells from my cervix.
The procedure was not fun because there was no anesthetic. It seemed the concensus lately to not give me any pain meds. I wondered secretly if the doctor enjoyed causing me pain and then I laughed it off. I sat again in those stirrups and felt the contractions in my uterus as the nurse performed the cryo surgery. It was not as bad as child birth nor was it quite as bad as the abortion....but it was worse than menstrual cramps. I remember looking at a poster on the wall as the nurse did the procedure. The poster was asking the patient to rate their level of pain. I just rolled my eyes and wondered how they come up with such bullshit. How could anyone compare pain to a number? Pain just couldn't be measured that easily.
After the procedure was over, I was told to abstain from having sexy for a couple weeks. That always caused problems with Venum and I because he always had sex with me before I was supposed to have sex. On several occasions, I had started to hurt because he just wouldn't wait and he was almost always rough. I was afraid of the pain that I might go through because of the pain that I felt in my female parts.
Maybe, I would be called a freak but not because I had many sexual partners...because besides my sexual abuse and my relations with girls; Venum was my first consensual male sex partner. I may be called a freak because I liked to experiment with different things. Some things I liked to do, some I did not and some still hang within the balance...
Sometimes, Venum wanted to have sex in different areas of my body...different orifices. At first I was scared and actually terrified. I remember the first time I had anal sex and how bad it hurt. He said it was because I just couldn't relax. I tried to relax but it was still very painful. Over time, I learned to relax and it wasn't as bad. Although, I did not do this on a very regular basis. I think maybe we experimented like this...oh, maybe once every 5 months or so. I wanted to please him and I was curious about it too. The first time we did this, he told me that other girls told him that they liked it and said it felt good. I only thought it felt good if he played with my clit at the same time. In that way, I did climax during anal sex...otherwise, it was just painful.
I tried to titie fuck him but my tits were never big enough. So I would hold them together and fuck him that way. I know my language is crass but that is just what it is...fuck is to fuck. I learned to suck dick pretty well because I did it on so many occasions. And when I was in pain, on the crimson wave or when I was fresh out surgery....that was the way I would please him. I learned things...not all things....but enough.
I realized early on that I loved certain things with Venum but certain things I just couldn't bring myself to do. I realized by myself that I loved bondage but I didn't really like for Venum to do this to me. He was already very dominant and violent at times. I really didnt feel comfortable with him being too rough on me....he already was rough enough. I dreamed of being able to let him tie me up, cuff me and pull my hair. Some times, I tried and let him do it for a while but deep inside, I was terrified of him. He didn't know how scared I really was of him. It was like walking on pins and needles. But I tried. You see...to be submissive in sexual relationships was to have respect and garner respect from the dom...I did not feel respected and so I could not become that part of me. I did, however try to retain the submissive quality as much as possible outside the bedroom.
Venum never pleasured himself in front of me and I never really knew what it looked like. When he was gone, I would pleasure myself and he never seen that either....not at this time. I had a small vibrator and at first he didn't know about it. When he found out that I had it, he got angry and made me throw it away. It wasn't bigger than him...in fact, it was smaller. He just didn't think I needed it because I had him. I reluctantly threw it away and when he was gone, I would just use my finger to pleasure myself. I hid this from him because I thought he would get mad.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
96
1998
I bought a car from the dealer; the one whom had acquired my red grand am a few years back. It was partially a trade off, really. The car was a gold Ciera and it ran pretty well...well enough for me to get to work everyday on my own. Things were changing and I was never good with change. Thing is, when you have no choice, change miraculously become much much easier.
Venum and I had to find a daycare for Damian so that we could both work day shift. He was still with Masterbuilt and I was really liking my job at Landau. We looked in several different places for the perfect child care. We thought of the daycare in which Damian had stayed for a while when we were living in Tupelo but that was not our final choice. We found a little house not far from our home where a lady kept babies. Her name was Quay. We talked with her for a couple days before making up our minds if she was the right one. Then Venum left the rest up to me. I asked her many many questions to make sure our baby was going to be safe there. At some point I saw that she was the right one and so we packed his things and sent him for his first day at daycare.
It was horrible for me to leave him there and I spent every little minute with him before realizing that I would soon be late. I thought about him at work too...all day long, and I wondered if he was missing me. I will never forget that afternoon when he smiled so big when I saw him. I took him in my arms and kissed him all over because I missed him so. I knew by the way things went that these people here at this little house would take excellent care of Damian while I was working and I felt so comfortable with the decision.
1998
At work, when I woudl be sewing and listening to my headphones; I couldn't stop thinking of Nasha and I wondered where she was. It had been years since I had seen her face. I told Venum about us and our odd relationship. Of course, as most men are, he thought it was hot that I had been with another woman. In fact, during our whole relationship, he bugged me to no end about being with another woman. This actually would make me angry. It was not the fact of what he thought it was sexy or hot, it was the fact that he never shut up about it. It was a constant thing with him. Lots of times when we would go out, he would point at a woman and ask me if I would fuck her. It did get old after a while. Being bisexual is not some thrill ride, it just is. Anyway, back to subject at hand. Nasha, I didn't know where she was but I wanted to find her and at least hug her. So, one day, Venum and I took a picture of her to Holly Springs and started looking for her by asked locals if they had seen her. I remember one place took a look at her picture and they all made funny faces...but they denied knowing her. I left my number with the people of the store in hopes that if they saw her, they would tell her to call. I got tired of looking for her after about two weeks and so I returned home resolved that I might not ever see her again.
Then I got a phone call. It was deep winter of 1998 and I was working everyday...doing the usual. I had dyed my hair bright red just for the hell of it and I was learning all the martial arts that Venum was learning. I had a normally unusual life, chaotic and strange but I was staying alive. And one day, the phone rang and it was Nasha's boyfriend Bin. Bin immediately began quesioning who I was and why I was looking for Nasha. I told him who I was and so he settled down and gave the phone to Nasha. He remembered me from when Nasha and Matt were together. You see, Bin was Matt's cousin and he had wanted to be with Nasha for years and years. As we talked I figured out why Nasha and Bin were so skittish. They had been robbed about a month earlier and beat up; they thought that the people looking for them were connected with the crime. I assured them that It was just me and that I was missing my friend. So, we all made plans to meet up and hang out a while. Me and Nasha had so much catching up to do.
She arrived one morning very early before I had to go to work. She told me that Bin had to work and would be over to pick her up when he was off. Venum left and so I talked to her for a while before I had to leave. I had forgotten how short she was and how very beautiful. I had the quick opportunity to look into those captivating gray eyes that always give me the chills. Yeah, seems I got an eye fetish or something..hehehe I hugged her and inhaled her into me. It had been so long. I got to meet Nasha's little girl, Mina. She was beautiful...like her mom. I left for work and thought about my friend the whole time that I was there....well, when I wasn't thinking about Damo...and that was lots of thought. I think at one point, I turned off the music and just sat there thinking. It's always hard to concentrate on the task at hand when you are impatient and excited.
That afternoon, Nasha and Bin hung out with Venum and I. Venum had this bong like the one that the caterpiller on Alice in Wonderland had. You know , the one that four or five people could smoke out of at the same time. Well, Venum took out a bag of weed and loaded the bong. We all sit around and got stoned off our asses. Nasha was amazing...no one could hang with her. She was still toking when we all were coughing our heads off. Venum always had weed around and I didn't question it as much back then because I benefited from it. It was never the weed that made him angry, after all...it was the liquir. Sometimes I wondered if we ever quit smoking...I wondered if I could even deal with him at all. That night, Nasha and Bin confided in us about how broke they were. While Bin was talking to Venum, Nasha went out to the car with me to get high again. She talked and talked and then finally approached an odd subject. She begin to talk about prostitution and ask me questions as if she thought I was familiar with it. I told her that I had no idea about such things. In the back of my head I remembered how close that silly unihibited part of me had come to actually partaking in prostitution before I became a mother. I pushed it out of my mind quickly...but Nasha pushed forward with the questioning. Then she asked me something that I will never forget.
"Sherrie, I need help with something. I need to earn some money. Do you think Venum would pimp me out to make some money?"
I looked at her as if she was crazy and then asked her if she was serious. She said she was and that she had done it before...after she had worked with Richard. She said she needed the money desperately and that Venum had told her that he used to work prostitutes....in which he did. I just manuevered her around in the conversation and eventually the subject was changed. Things like this made me very uncomfortable....and it called back the thing within. I couldn't have that..I was doing so good. We soon went back inside and joined the men in their conversation. The prostitution did not come back up again.
Bin told us that he and Nasha were living right down the road from us but not for long. They were looking to move back to M town (Memphis). But for now, we could hang out. I remember that night, Nasha and Bin stayed with us and the next day, I went to work. Nasha was working at the local grocery store in the meat department...and so after work, I went by to see her. Venum had been buggin me about sleeping with her and I was thinking about doing it to make him happy. After all...I did miss her and was very much still attracted to her. I went to the store and asked her if she would spend the night with me. For some reason she was acting strange. She was giving me exuses as to why she couldn't come over. Earlier when I asked her if she would stay the night with me, she had said...yes.
I went home kind of sad about the whole thing but kind of relieved that I didn't have to put on a show. I was so tired of Venum pressuring me to be with other women. I loved being with women but it was always better when it was my idea and not theirs. Because it was my body. That is just the way it works with me. Besides, I had run that brave silly thing away a while back and I had very little courage of my own. When I got home, Venum was sitting in the recliner and Damian was in his playpen. I bent to kiss my son and then turned to Venum.
"Nasha doesn't want to come over." I spoke and tilted my head.
Venum shrugged and asked why. I told him what she had said and how she had acted. I asked him if he had talked to her and he told me that he had called her on his lunch break to ask her to give him a phone number to some place. I thought it was odd but didn't say anything.
A couple days went by and I did not hear from Nasha. I found out later that Venum had been calling her everyday to chit chat. He never told me about it. I wondered in the back of my mind if he had run her away somehow.
The last time I seen her, she came by to tell me about moving back to Memphis. I told her that I couldn't see her anymore. There were two reasons why I made this decision. One was the obvious one...I was trying to save my marriage. I didn't trust my husband and that was obvious too. There were many occasions that I was suspicious about his cheating...very good intuition and reasoning, I might add. The other reason is because I still had feelings for Nasha. I told her that it was the second reason and that I would always love her. I hugged her and she left.
I never seen her in person again.
.............................
What things have I forfeited for my soul? I would ask myself this question over and over. As time went by and I noticed things between women and my husband...I would withdraw more. You could say I was being silly if you want but I noticed things. Things never added up. When I would make friends, the good ones would disappear...and they were pretty. The other ones would stay and always spend more time with my husband than with me. I would come home and they were already there with Venum ...or he would go to their houses and their husbands or boyfriends weren't at home. These friends sometimes gave me gifts...and doted over my child but they would have a secret smile with my husband...I seen these things because I was observant. I think I denied this fact for many reasons. We had a child together and it was just unreal to think that he would do these things to me and I loved him...so very much. I loved him more than you could possibly imagine. But I was not blind...I had eyes to see and a heart to feel...and more than that.
I had a thing which never really went away...Even though I had sent the thing away...told it to leave me alone
It sat in the shadows and laughed at me....But I don't think it ever went away. It waited until the time was right.
and one day...it returned.
But not yet.....soon.
I bought a car from the dealer; the one whom had acquired my red grand am a few years back. It was partially a trade off, really. The car was a gold Ciera and it ran pretty well...well enough for me to get to work everyday on my own. Things were changing and I was never good with change. Thing is, when you have no choice, change miraculously become much much easier.
Venum and I had to find a daycare for Damian so that we could both work day shift. He was still with Masterbuilt and I was really liking my job at Landau. We looked in several different places for the perfect child care. We thought of the daycare in which Damian had stayed for a while when we were living in Tupelo but that was not our final choice. We found a little house not far from our home where a lady kept babies. Her name was Quay. We talked with her for a couple days before making up our minds if she was the right one. Then Venum left the rest up to me. I asked her many many questions to make sure our baby was going to be safe there. At some point I saw that she was the right one and so we packed his things and sent him for his first day at daycare.
It was horrible for me to leave him there and I spent every little minute with him before realizing that I would soon be late. I thought about him at work too...all day long, and I wondered if he was missing me. I will never forget that afternoon when he smiled so big when I saw him. I took him in my arms and kissed him all over because I missed him so. I knew by the way things went that these people here at this little house would take excellent care of Damian while I was working and I felt so comfortable with the decision.
1998
At work, when I woudl be sewing and listening to my headphones; I couldn't stop thinking of Nasha and I wondered where she was. It had been years since I had seen her face. I told Venum about us and our odd relationship. Of course, as most men are, he thought it was hot that I had been with another woman. In fact, during our whole relationship, he bugged me to no end about being with another woman. This actually would make me angry. It was not the fact of what he thought it was sexy or hot, it was the fact that he never shut up about it. It was a constant thing with him. Lots of times when we would go out, he would point at a woman and ask me if I would fuck her. It did get old after a while. Being bisexual is not some thrill ride, it just is. Anyway, back to subject at hand. Nasha, I didn't know where she was but I wanted to find her and at least hug her. So, one day, Venum and I took a picture of her to Holly Springs and started looking for her by asked locals if they had seen her. I remember one place took a look at her picture and they all made funny faces...but they denied knowing her. I left my number with the people of the store in hopes that if they saw her, they would tell her to call. I got tired of looking for her after about two weeks and so I returned home resolved that I might not ever see her again.
Then I got a phone call. It was deep winter of 1998 and I was working everyday...doing the usual. I had dyed my hair bright red just for the hell of it and I was learning all the martial arts that Venum was learning. I had a normally unusual life, chaotic and strange but I was staying alive. And one day, the phone rang and it was Nasha's boyfriend Bin. Bin immediately began quesioning who I was and why I was looking for Nasha. I told him who I was and so he settled down and gave the phone to Nasha. He remembered me from when Nasha and Matt were together. You see, Bin was Matt's cousin and he had wanted to be with Nasha for years and years. As we talked I figured out why Nasha and Bin were so skittish. They had been robbed about a month earlier and beat up; they thought that the people looking for them were connected with the crime. I assured them that It was just me and that I was missing my friend. So, we all made plans to meet up and hang out a while. Me and Nasha had so much catching up to do.
She arrived one morning very early before I had to go to work. She told me that Bin had to work and would be over to pick her up when he was off. Venum left and so I talked to her for a while before I had to leave. I had forgotten how short she was and how very beautiful. I had the quick opportunity to look into those captivating gray eyes that always give me the chills. Yeah, seems I got an eye fetish or something..hehehe I hugged her and inhaled her into me. It had been so long. I got to meet Nasha's little girl, Mina. She was beautiful...like her mom. I left for work and thought about my friend the whole time that I was there....well, when I wasn't thinking about Damo...and that was lots of thought. I think at one point, I turned off the music and just sat there thinking. It's always hard to concentrate on the task at hand when you are impatient and excited.
That afternoon, Nasha and Bin hung out with Venum and I. Venum had this bong like the one that the caterpiller on Alice in Wonderland had. You know , the one that four or five people could smoke out of at the same time. Well, Venum took out a bag of weed and loaded the bong. We all sit around and got stoned off our asses. Nasha was amazing...no one could hang with her. She was still toking when we all were coughing our heads off. Venum always had weed around and I didn't question it as much back then because I benefited from it. It was never the weed that made him angry, after all...it was the liquir. Sometimes I wondered if we ever quit smoking...I wondered if I could even deal with him at all. That night, Nasha and Bin confided in us about how broke they were. While Bin was talking to Venum, Nasha went out to the car with me to get high again. She talked and talked and then finally approached an odd subject. She begin to talk about prostitution and ask me questions as if she thought I was familiar with it. I told her that I had no idea about such things. In the back of my head I remembered how close that silly unihibited part of me had come to actually partaking in prostitution before I became a mother. I pushed it out of my mind quickly...but Nasha pushed forward with the questioning. Then she asked me something that I will never forget.
"Sherrie, I need help with something. I need to earn some money. Do you think Venum would pimp me out to make some money?"
I looked at her as if she was crazy and then asked her if she was serious. She said she was and that she had done it before...after she had worked with Richard. She said she needed the money desperately and that Venum had told her that he used to work prostitutes....in which he did. I just manuevered her around in the conversation and eventually the subject was changed. Things like this made me very uncomfortable....and it called back the thing within. I couldn't have that..I was doing so good. We soon went back inside and joined the men in their conversation. The prostitution did not come back up again.
Bin told us that he and Nasha were living right down the road from us but not for long. They were looking to move back to M town (Memphis). But for now, we could hang out. I remember that night, Nasha and Bin stayed with us and the next day, I went to work. Nasha was working at the local grocery store in the meat department...and so after work, I went by to see her. Venum had been buggin me about sleeping with her and I was thinking about doing it to make him happy. After all...I did miss her and was very much still attracted to her. I went to the store and asked her if she would spend the night with me. For some reason she was acting strange. She was giving me exuses as to why she couldn't come over. Earlier when I asked her if she would stay the night with me, she had said...yes.
I went home kind of sad about the whole thing but kind of relieved that I didn't have to put on a show. I was so tired of Venum pressuring me to be with other women. I loved being with women but it was always better when it was my idea and not theirs. Because it was my body. That is just the way it works with me. Besides, I had run that brave silly thing away a while back and I had very little courage of my own. When I got home, Venum was sitting in the recliner and Damian was in his playpen. I bent to kiss my son and then turned to Venum.
"Nasha doesn't want to come over." I spoke and tilted my head.
Venum shrugged and asked why. I told him what she had said and how she had acted. I asked him if he had talked to her and he told me that he had called her on his lunch break to ask her to give him a phone number to some place. I thought it was odd but didn't say anything.
A couple days went by and I did not hear from Nasha. I found out later that Venum had been calling her everyday to chit chat. He never told me about it. I wondered in the back of my mind if he had run her away somehow.
The last time I seen her, she came by to tell me about moving back to Memphis. I told her that I couldn't see her anymore. There were two reasons why I made this decision. One was the obvious one...I was trying to save my marriage. I didn't trust my husband and that was obvious too. There were many occasions that I was suspicious about his cheating...very good intuition and reasoning, I might add. The other reason is because I still had feelings for Nasha. I told her that it was the second reason and that I would always love her. I hugged her and she left.
I never seen her in person again.
.............................
What things have I forfeited for my soul? I would ask myself this question over and over. As time went by and I noticed things between women and my husband...I would withdraw more. You could say I was being silly if you want but I noticed things. Things never added up. When I would make friends, the good ones would disappear...and they were pretty. The other ones would stay and always spend more time with my husband than with me. I would come home and they were already there with Venum ...or he would go to their houses and their husbands or boyfriends weren't at home. These friends sometimes gave me gifts...and doted over my child but they would have a secret smile with my husband...I seen these things because I was observant. I think I denied this fact for many reasons. We had a child together and it was just unreal to think that he would do these things to me and I loved him...so very much. I loved him more than you could possibly imagine. But I was not blind...I had eyes to see and a heart to feel...and more than that.
I had a thing which never really went away...Even though I had sent the thing away...told it to leave me alone
It sat in the shadows and laughed at me....But I don't think it ever went away. It waited until the time was right.
and one day...it returned.
But not yet.....soon.
Monday, May 6, 2013
95
1997
Our new home was coming together slowly but surely. We had an entry room, living room, two bedrooms, one bath and a kitchen. Out back, there was a storage room attached to a back carport. The animals went into the entryroom, including firecracker which for whom we fixed the glass on his cage. Damian's room was adjacent to the living room as was our bedroom. I was very happy with the new home and I stayed at home for a while after we arrived before looking for a job. The first week that we were working on the house, painting and such, Venum invited Michael (the dumbass with the bright red fuzzy rat tail) and his wife (Melissa) over to help paint the interior of the house. They brought their two daughters with them and the little girls ransacked the house while we tried to work. Damian laughed and laughed at them as they ran round and made a mess. I found the woman to be about as smart as her dumbass husband but I appreciate her help.
Days after the move, I finally felt comfortable with the new home. I loved the front porch swing and the concrete porch where I could sit and sun in peace. EVerything seemed so much better here and Damian seemed to love it. I would take him out on the porch and he would stretch out his little toes and giggle.
I had no idea what was in store for us.
Late Summer
1997
I had a plan and it seemed like a good one at the time...oh hell, it was a good plan and it worked. One day while painting Damian's room, I decided to do something to bring my family together. I missed my mom so bad but I was so busy planning things for the new home. I missed daddy too and I wanted him here to help me with his grandson's room. I decided to ask him to come help me paint and I knew that Venum would come home for lunch at noon that same day that I planned to have daddy come help me.
Daddy did come help and he painted quite a bit of Damian's room. Around 12, daddy went out back to teh well to wash out the paintbrushes when Venum and Michael (the boy with the bushy red rattail) pulled up in the back yard. I heard them pull in and my heart beat raced with anticipation. I ran to the back door and watched with wide eyes. You see, my father had not yet met my husband because he did not believe in inter racial relationships. Well, that day, things changed for us in a monumental way. As my husband climbed from Michael's truck, my father stopped what he was doing and looked up. I watched closely as the scene unfolded. I was quite happy when Venum approached my father, smiled and held out his hand. My father took both paintbrushes in one hand and took my husbands hand in his. My father smiled and my heart lept for joy. There was hope.
Fall
1997
I tried to work for Manpower again and only seemed to get a short assignment here and there holding onto nothing for very long. I finally got a phone call from my sister which was very odd. She told me about her job and Landau Uniforms and so I grew curious about it. I asked her how easy it was to get a job there and she told me that she would help me get on. She said that If i came to work there, we could see each other more often and that would be nice. I decided to put in an application at Landau and so I went up to the plant that week. When they found out that my sister was one of their employees, they hired me. Apparently, she was in very good standing with them and they needed more help. Landau was a sewing factory that made hospital scrubs. All that as required of me was to join in on the learning curve until I could keep up with production. The rules were quite lenient until you got the hang of it. I jumped right in and tried to do my best. Within two weeks, I was making production easily, had benefits and worked a day time shift. There was no dress code and we could all listen to headphones during work which made the day go by so much quicker. Things were looking up for me and my family. I remember going home happy so many nights when I started my job. I was so proud of myself for making a normal go at life. There was no dark thing which giggled the night away to get me into trouble. I was just ordinary Sherrie and at the time, I was okay with that.
Fall
1997
Damian turned a year old on October 31...Halloween. Around this time, we all had family pictures taken and they were very nice I started to discover things about my little family...especially about mine and Venum's relationship. I noticed that things would go very well for weeks on end and then after the storm seemed completely gone, Venum would start to act strangely and start unnecessary arguments. Strange people would start to come up into the driveway and honk their horns for Venum to come outside. They would never knock on the door to make themselves known. After time went by, our home began to closely resemble what went on at Chez place. There were so many different people who came to my home that I lost count of them. I tried to join in on the conversations with them or when they would hang out in the back by the carport; but I had to be a mother too and so I would go back inside and wonder what was going on around my house. Venum's drinking got heavier and heavier again and his temper started to flare again. I asked him to spend more time with Damian and me but he always seemed to have to leave at odd times during the night and he started getting home from work again really late. Things started a downward slope again and so I held on tightly for the next wild ride.
Winter
1997/1998
Venum had taken various Karate classes when he was younger and so he wanted to teach me things that he knew. Of course, you never really want to teach your students everything because it is dangerous. I tried to be brave with Venum and I asked him to teach me more and more of what he knew. Even when he was drunk, I bravely approached him and asked him to teach me something new. I realized that when he was drunk, he would be more likely to teach me things that he held sacred. When a person is drunk, they do not lie...they speak of what they think inside that they have tried to hide..and so I got things that I thought I needed from him. Then, I would shy away out of fear because he was never really pleasant to be around when drinking and I could only take so much of the verbal and physical abuse. Most of the time, the physical abuse was only pushing and roughly moving me out of the way. Occasionally, there was throwing objects and such...but I could handle it most of the time.
I would learn and then I would go read the bible a little bit while playing with Damian. I would cook but sometimes Venum would not eat and I would have to throw the food away. I would get sick when he would not come home. I would worry and I would sometimes put Damian in his baby bed and cry while he cried for me. I wondered how long this phase would last and if it would end at all.
1998
Venum decided to take Akido and Shenkindo (Japanese Sword Fighting) classes in Tupelo after work. I kind of hated it because I wanted to spend time with my husband. He would be gone at least three times a week at night with his classes. Basically, Venum did what he wanted and so it was pointless for me to say anything. He started the classes immediately and I started watching Crime scene investigation and such shows as that. Sometimes I would scare myself silly while he was gone and would call him for comfort. MOst of the time, I never got an answer from Venum. So I would pray to God to be with me when I was afraid. I refused to bring that thing back which used to protect me from the hell of the world. I refused refused refused.....and then I would cry.
Some days...but not many, Venum would let us go with him and watch his classes. It was rare but I felt wanted and enjoyed when he did this. Damian would get irritable though and cry to go home. One night....oh hell, on several nights...maybe weekends when we went to Tupelo, we would smoke pot with Damian in the back seat. It was a horrible thing to do to a small child but we did it. Damian would sit in the back seat and get a contact high from our weed smoking. Sometimes, I wish I had stayed at home and read my bible...at least I would not be dragging my child through the hell that his father was in.
The wonderful feeling of having a new home was wearing away quickly. I found myself trapped in the same downward spiral that I had been traveling before in the different places that we had lived. I guess the hope was not quite gone and the chance to make things better was always there. I wanted my family to be happy. I wanted so many things for us and I prayed for it almost nightly. My prayer was that if God could give me happiness with Venum, I wanted it. I wanted my family together and I did not want to give up.
Could I really do this?
Our new home was coming together slowly but surely. We had an entry room, living room, two bedrooms, one bath and a kitchen. Out back, there was a storage room attached to a back carport. The animals went into the entryroom, including firecracker which for whom we fixed the glass on his cage. Damian's room was adjacent to the living room as was our bedroom. I was very happy with the new home and I stayed at home for a while after we arrived before looking for a job. The first week that we were working on the house, painting and such, Venum invited Michael (the dumbass with the bright red fuzzy rat tail) and his wife (Melissa) over to help paint the interior of the house. They brought their two daughters with them and the little girls ransacked the house while we tried to work. Damian laughed and laughed at them as they ran round and made a mess. I found the woman to be about as smart as her dumbass husband but I appreciate her help.
Days after the move, I finally felt comfortable with the new home. I loved the front porch swing and the concrete porch where I could sit and sun in peace. EVerything seemed so much better here and Damian seemed to love it. I would take him out on the porch and he would stretch out his little toes and giggle.
I had no idea what was in store for us.
Late Summer
1997
I had a plan and it seemed like a good one at the time...oh hell, it was a good plan and it worked. One day while painting Damian's room, I decided to do something to bring my family together. I missed my mom so bad but I was so busy planning things for the new home. I missed daddy too and I wanted him here to help me with his grandson's room. I decided to ask him to come help me paint and I knew that Venum would come home for lunch at noon that same day that I planned to have daddy come help me.
Daddy did come help and he painted quite a bit of Damian's room. Around 12, daddy went out back to teh well to wash out the paintbrushes when Venum and Michael (the boy with the bushy red rattail) pulled up in the back yard. I heard them pull in and my heart beat raced with anticipation. I ran to the back door and watched with wide eyes. You see, my father had not yet met my husband because he did not believe in inter racial relationships. Well, that day, things changed for us in a monumental way. As my husband climbed from Michael's truck, my father stopped what he was doing and looked up. I watched closely as the scene unfolded. I was quite happy when Venum approached my father, smiled and held out his hand. My father took both paintbrushes in one hand and took my husbands hand in his. My father smiled and my heart lept for joy. There was hope.
Fall
1997
I tried to work for Manpower again and only seemed to get a short assignment here and there holding onto nothing for very long. I finally got a phone call from my sister which was very odd. She told me about her job and Landau Uniforms and so I grew curious about it. I asked her how easy it was to get a job there and she told me that she would help me get on. She said that If i came to work there, we could see each other more often and that would be nice. I decided to put in an application at Landau and so I went up to the plant that week. When they found out that my sister was one of their employees, they hired me. Apparently, she was in very good standing with them and they needed more help. Landau was a sewing factory that made hospital scrubs. All that as required of me was to join in on the learning curve until I could keep up with production. The rules were quite lenient until you got the hang of it. I jumped right in and tried to do my best. Within two weeks, I was making production easily, had benefits and worked a day time shift. There was no dress code and we could all listen to headphones during work which made the day go by so much quicker. Things were looking up for me and my family. I remember going home happy so many nights when I started my job. I was so proud of myself for making a normal go at life. There was no dark thing which giggled the night away to get me into trouble. I was just ordinary Sherrie and at the time, I was okay with that.
Fall
1997
Damian turned a year old on October 31...Halloween. Around this time, we all had family pictures taken and they were very nice I started to discover things about my little family...especially about mine and Venum's relationship. I noticed that things would go very well for weeks on end and then after the storm seemed completely gone, Venum would start to act strangely and start unnecessary arguments. Strange people would start to come up into the driveway and honk their horns for Venum to come outside. They would never knock on the door to make themselves known. After time went by, our home began to closely resemble what went on at Chez place. There were so many different people who came to my home that I lost count of them. I tried to join in on the conversations with them or when they would hang out in the back by the carport; but I had to be a mother too and so I would go back inside and wonder what was going on around my house. Venum's drinking got heavier and heavier again and his temper started to flare again. I asked him to spend more time with Damian and me but he always seemed to have to leave at odd times during the night and he started getting home from work again really late. Things started a downward slope again and so I held on tightly for the next wild ride.
Winter
1997/1998
Venum had taken various Karate classes when he was younger and so he wanted to teach me things that he knew. Of course, you never really want to teach your students everything because it is dangerous. I tried to be brave with Venum and I asked him to teach me more and more of what he knew. Even when he was drunk, I bravely approached him and asked him to teach me something new. I realized that when he was drunk, he would be more likely to teach me things that he held sacred. When a person is drunk, they do not lie...they speak of what they think inside that they have tried to hide..and so I got things that I thought I needed from him. Then, I would shy away out of fear because he was never really pleasant to be around when drinking and I could only take so much of the verbal and physical abuse. Most of the time, the physical abuse was only pushing and roughly moving me out of the way. Occasionally, there was throwing objects and such...but I could handle it most of the time.
I would learn and then I would go read the bible a little bit while playing with Damian. I would cook but sometimes Venum would not eat and I would have to throw the food away. I would get sick when he would not come home. I would worry and I would sometimes put Damian in his baby bed and cry while he cried for me. I wondered how long this phase would last and if it would end at all.
1998
Venum decided to take Akido and Shenkindo (Japanese Sword Fighting) classes in Tupelo after work. I kind of hated it because I wanted to spend time with my husband. He would be gone at least three times a week at night with his classes. Basically, Venum did what he wanted and so it was pointless for me to say anything. He started the classes immediately and I started watching Crime scene investigation and such shows as that. Sometimes I would scare myself silly while he was gone and would call him for comfort. MOst of the time, I never got an answer from Venum. So I would pray to God to be with me when I was afraid. I refused to bring that thing back which used to protect me from the hell of the world. I refused refused refused.....and then I would cry.
Some days...but not many, Venum would let us go with him and watch his classes. It was rare but I felt wanted and enjoyed when he did this. Damian would get irritable though and cry to go home. One night....oh hell, on several nights...maybe weekends when we went to Tupelo, we would smoke pot with Damian in the back seat. It was a horrible thing to do to a small child but we did it. Damian would sit in the back seat and get a contact high from our weed smoking. Sometimes, I wish I had stayed at home and read my bible...at least I would not be dragging my child through the hell that his father was in.
The wonderful feeling of having a new home was wearing away quickly. I found myself trapped in the same downward spiral that I had been traveling before in the different places that we had lived. I guess the hope was not quite gone and the chance to make things better was always there. I wanted my family to be happy. I wanted so many things for us and I prayed for it almost nightly. My prayer was that if God could give me happiness with Venum, I wanted it. I wanted my family together and I did not want to give up.
Could I really do this?
94
1997
June
It was our one year anniversary and we celebrated on the road. I had dyed my hair blonde for a difference and maybe just because I was going on a trip. Venum would still turn and laugh at me because he had never seen me with blonde hair before. He thought it was hilarious. I would just try to ignore his teasing. I mostly slept while he drove because he insisted that he would drive the whole way up. I remember passing Jackson Tn vaguely because I woke up to the sound of the radio. I looked outside the window and saw the city lights. I fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until we were well past Kentucky. I woke up and talked with Venum and little and looked out the window. I looked down and noticed that he had his 38 on the console and I asked why the gun was out. He said that it was just in case we needed it. He said we were going up North where things were different. I asked him if we would get in trouble for having it and he said no...that the laws up north were different. When we got close to Ohio, Venum got sleepy. I asked him if he wanted to get a hotel and he said that it was too expensive. He pulled over on the side of the road and turned the car off. He said that we would sleep there in the car until he was rested enough to continue on into Michigan. I was scared to sleep here because the big trucks would send wind against the car making it rock back and forth. I was also kind of afraid that someone would rob us....kill us. I noticed all of a sudden that I was afraid of everything. I missed the strong part of me which giggled with glee. There were times when I really needed her around to protect me but she was gone now...I had sent her away. I wondered if I had made the right decision.
Detroit
I woke again and noticed that we were entering the outskirts of a city. I looked out the window and seen what looked like just any ordinary southern city...not really all that much to talk about. I waited and watched. Little by little, the traffic grew heavy and then Venum turned off an exit onto another street...then another and then...I saw the city streets. They were horrible...dirty and dilapitated buildings, bars on all the windows and run down stores. I saw women walking by dressed very scantily smiling and waving at the traffic. I was frightened of all this..it was different than Memphis, it was huge and scary. I looked over at Venum and he laughed at me. Then without warning he rolled down the window and began to yell at someone. I looked toward his direction and saw a very dark skinned woman, maybe in her mid thirties. Venum called her over to the car and she smiled at me. Venum introduced me to her as his wife and he told me that her name was Kat. I said hello to Kat and smiled. They made small talk and then she left. I looked at Venum and smiled. I told him that she was very nice and he told me that she was a prostitute and that she had been friends with his prostitutes. You see, Veum was a young pimp in Detroit in the late 80s/ early 90s (a teenage boy who worked in a liquir store and worked prostitutes with crack cocaine) and I always wondered if he lied about the whole thing but as I went along on this trip I began to understand the truth in everything. Venum never lied and I got to meet other friends of his that backed up all his stories. I met a man in an old house that had lived with Venum when he was just a kid. They had sold drugs together and drank. Then I met this one and that one and the other who verified each and every story that Venum had told. His life as a thug or gangster was real...very real indeed. I should have known by the way he was packing. I felt strange in this strange world...thing is, I know that the thing within would have loved it here, felt right at home. I contemplated calling her home but then I decided against it. I could do this.
Detroit
We ended up at Pooh's house (Venum's cousin) There we slept for several hours before getting up and going out again. We met several of his cousins including Autumn who had been badly burned in her incubator as a baby. Because of this accident, Pooh's family was very wealthy. Their house was beautiful and I loved to walk down those carpeted stairs. I met several other men including Venum's uncles and I sat and just listened to them talk of the thug life. I drank a little and tried to relax. I felt so odd and confined because of the fact that Sherrie had full control of the wheel and it was up the her to be okay. I found solice with Autumn's mother and spent some time talking to her about the city.
The next day, we met Venum's other cousin, Tina. When she firts ran up to hug him, I thought she was one of his prostitutes because she was wearing a bikini top and she was squealing as the other girl, Kat had done. I just stood and starred until he introduced us. I realized that I really liked Tina and I aske Venum if we could stay with her. He said it was okay and so we went with Tina's boyfriend to the liquir store to get more to drink. That night we got so high that I can barely remember what happened. I just remember falling asleep in Tina's loft and Venum wasn't there.
We had to go see Deonte this day. Deonte was supposed to be Venum's little brother that was born when he lived in Detroit. Of course Deonte's mother was not Venum's mother but it didn't matter. We took Deonte to Lincoln Park and then to several other small parks to play. He was 7 years old at the time and he enjoyed spending time with us. He was sweet, he would pull on my blonde hair as he smiled and called my name. I would hold him as if he was much younger than her was. I think he was just so happy to be out with his big brother. I remember we played in the water for hours and took pictures. Then, as the day grew long, we took Deonte back home to this mother. Before we left, the weather had gotten pretty bad and there were tornado warnings out for Detroit. I found it very odd because June was not tornado weather. As we left one side of town for the other, we started to notice damage to the city of Detroit. In the parking lot of a local Coney Island, there was a house trailer. It had been picked up and dropped in the middle of Detroit. There was other damage as well. Signs were torn down, cars were flooded and we almost flooded out the little toyota in a big pool which accumulated across the road. Venum made a joke about how the tornado had followed me from Mississippi. He said that Detroit rarely had tornados and that it was my fault. I just watched the sky and wondered if it was over.
On another day, we visted Monheim (not sure it this is spelled right. Monheim is Arabic) This man and two others owned a store and used to own the liquir store that Venum had worked when he was a kid. At that time, Venum's name was Psycho. He learned to speak Caldean and Arabic quite well when he worked the guys as a teenager. When Venum and I walked back into their store, they assumed he was moving back and going back to work for them. They started to yell and cheer in their language and hug him. They were really nice people an welcomed me without question. While I was there, I got to taste the best Arabic food I had ever tasted...Kabobs. These were not like the kabobs that we put on our grills in Mississippi, these were authentic Arabic food. You see, Arabic food is so very much like Greek food but has slight differences in seasonings and herbs. I learned so much visiting Venum's friends and actually wanted to stay longer at the store.
I got to try Detroit's version of Soul food and was very impressed. The portions were large and the people were friendly. I loved the little soul food joint and i loved talking to the lady who worked there. Detroit didn't seem as scarey as I thought it was but of course I did have a body guard called my husband. I was happy at this moment...with peace. No screaming, no hitting and thank god, no bullets flying. At the restaurant, venum didn't even drink alcohol...just a glass of sweet tea.
Before the end of the trip, we had more chili cheese fries and dogs. It was one of my favorite things to eat and Venum knew I would love Coney Island. I even decided to take some food home to enjoy. But I was ready to go home, I missed Damian so much. I had been calling him off and on since we were in Detroit to make sure that he was okay.
But it was time to go home and I knew it. We slept once more before leaving to go back to Mississippi. I could see that Venum was sad and so I didn't speak too much of the fact we were leaving.
June
It was our one year anniversary and we celebrated on the road. I had dyed my hair blonde for a difference and maybe just because I was going on a trip. Venum would still turn and laugh at me because he had never seen me with blonde hair before. He thought it was hilarious. I would just try to ignore his teasing. I mostly slept while he drove because he insisted that he would drive the whole way up. I remember passing Jackson Tn vaguely because I woke up to the sound of the radio. I looked outside the window and saw the city lights. I fell back to sleep and didn't wake up until we were well past Kentucky. I woke up and talked with Venum and little and looked out the window. I looked down and noticed that he had his 38 on the console and I asked why the gun was out. He said that it was just in case we needed it. He said we were going up North where things were different. I asked him if we would get in trouble for having it and he said no...that the laws up north were different. When we got close to Ohio, Venum got sleepy. I asked him if he wanted to get a hotel and he said that it was too expensive. He pulled over on the side of the road and turned the car off. He said that we would sleep there in the car until he was rested enough to continue on into Michigan. I was scared to sleep here because the big trucks would send wind against the car making it rock back and forth. I was also kind of afraid that someone would rob us....kill us. I noticed all of a sudden that I was afraid of everything. I missed the strong part of me which giggled with glee. There were times when I really needed her around to protect me but she was gone now...I had sent her away. I wondered if I had made the right decision.
Detroit
I woke again and noticed that we were entering the outskirts of a city. I looked out the window and seen what looked like just any ordinary southern city...not really all that much to talk about. I waited and watched. Little by little, the traffic grew heavy and then Venum turned off an exit onto another street...then another and then...I saw the city streets. They were horrible...dirty and dilapitated buildings, bars on all the windows and run down stores. I saw women walking by dressed very scantily smiling and waving at the traffic. I was frightened of all this..it was different than Memphis, it was huge and scary. I looked over at Venum and he laughed at me. Then without warning he rolled down the window and began to yell at someone. I looked toward his direction and saw a very dark skinned woman, maybe in her mid thirties. Venum called her over to the car and she smiled at me. Venum introduced me to her as his wife and he told me that her name was Kat. I said hello to Kat and smiled. They made small talk and then she left. I looked at Venum and smiled. I told him that she was very nice and he told me that she was a prostitute and that she had been friends with his prostitutes. You see, Veum was a young pimp in Detroit in the late 80s/ early 90s (a teenage boy who worked in a liquir store and worked prostitutes with crack cocaine) and I always wondered if he lied about the whole thing but as I went along on this trip I began to understand the truth in everything. Venum never lied and I got to meet other friends of his that backed up all his stories. I met a man in an old house that had lived with Venum when he was just a kid. They had sold drugs together and drank. Then I met this one and that one and the other who verified each and every story that Venum had told. His life as a thug or gangster was real...very real indeed. I should have known by the way he was packing. I felt strange in this strange world...thing is, I know that the thing within would have loved it here, felt right at home. I contemplated calling her home but then I decided against it. I could do this.
Detroit
We ended up at Pooh's house (Venum's cousin) There we slept for several hours before getting up and going out again. We met several of his cousins including Autumn who had been badly burned in her incubator as a baby. Because of this accident, Pooh's family was very wealthy. Their house was beautiful and I loved to walk down those carpeted stairs. I met several other men including Venum's uncles and I sat and just listened to them talk of the thug life. I drank a little and tried to relax. I felt so odd and confined because of the fact that Sherrie had full control of the wheel and it was up the her to be okay. I found solice with Autumn's mother and spent some time talking to her about the city.
The next day, we met Venum's other cousin, Tina. When she firts ran up to hug him, I thought she was one of his prostitutes because she was wearing a bikini top and she was squealing as the other girl, Kat had done. I just stood and starred until he introduced us. I realized that I really liked Tina and I aske Venum if we could stay with her. He said it was okay and so we went with Tina's boyfriend to the liquir store to get more to drink. That night we got so high that I can barely remember what happened. I just remember falling asleep in Tina's loft and Venum wasn't there.
We had to go see Deonte this day. Deonte was supposed to be Venum's little brother that was born when he lived in Detroit. Of course Deonte's mother was not Venum's mother but it didn't matter. We took Deonte to Lincoln Park and then to several other small parks to play. He was 7 years old at the time and he enjoyed spending time with us. He was sweet, he would pull on my blonde hair as he smiled and called my name. I would hold him as if he was much younger than her was. I think he was just so happy to be out with his big brother. I remember we played in the water for hours and took pictures. Then, as the day grew long, we took Deonte back home to this mother. Before we left, the weather had gotten pretty bad and there were tornado warnings out for Detroit. I found it very odd because June was not tornado weather. As we left one side of town for the other, we started to notice damage to the city of Detroit. In the parking lot of a local Coney Island, there was a house trailer. It had been picked up and dropped in the middle of Detroit. There was other damage as well. Signs were torn down, cars were flooded and we almost flooded out the little toyota in a big pool which accumulated across the road. Venum made a joke about how the tornado had followed me from Mississippi. He said that Detroit rarely had tornados and that it was my fault. I just watched the sky and wondered if it was over.
On another day, we visted Monheim (not sure it this is spelled right. Monheim is Arabic) This man and two others owned a store and used to own the liquir store that Venum had worked when he was a kid. At that time, Venum's name was Psycho. He learned to speak Caldean and Arabic quite well when he worked the guys as a teenager. When Venum and I walked back into their store, they assumed he was moving back and going back to work for them. They started to yell and cheer in their language and hug him. They were really nice people an welcomed me without question. While I was there, I got to taste the best Arabic food I had ever tasted...Kabobs. These were not like the kabobs that we put on our grills in Mississippi, these were authentic Arabic food. You see, Arabic food is so very much like Greek food but has slight differences in seasonings and herbs. I learned so much visiting Venum's friends and actually wanted to stay longer at the store.
I got to try Detroit's version of Soul food and was very impressed. The portions were large and the people were friendly. I loved the little soul food joint and i loved talking to the lady who worked there. Detroit didn't seem as scarey as I thought it was but of course I did have a body guard called my husband. I was happy at this moment...with peace. No screaming, no hitting and thank god, no bullets flying. At the restaurant, venum didn't even drink alcohol...just a glass of sweet tea.
Before the end of the trip, we had more chili cheese fries and dogs. It was one of my favorite things to eat and Venum knew I would love Coney Island. I even decided to take some food home to enjoy. But I was ready to go home, I missed Damian so much. I had been calling him off and on since we were in Detroit to make sure that he was okay.
But it was time to go home and I knew it. We slept once more before leaving to go back to Mississippi. I could see that Venum was sad and so I didn't speak too much of the fact we were leaving.
93
1997
Venum brought a friend by to meet me when he got off work. The man had red hair with a bushy rat tail and he had wild eyes to match. It didn't take long for me to realize what an idiot this guy was. His name was Michael and he was married with two children at the time. He stood there in the doorway of our duplex with Venum as he was introduced. After he had broken the ice with me, he started to talk about things that were probably lies but whos to really know anyway. He said that he had drank a whole bottle of bleach and survived. Obviously, because he was standing in my doorway. Then when I started to talk of missing it when I painted, he started to say things about painting that I knew to be lies. The things he said about paint brushes and the various mediums that you use to paint with...they were all rubbish. I had spent much of my life painting and had a pretty good familiarity with the hobby or the art. I just sat there and listened because I didn't want to start a stink and cause Venum to get mad at me for being rude to a friend of his. Michael said that next time he came to visit he would bring his wife, Melissa. Oh....I just couldn't wait. *rolls eyes*
1997
Summer
We visited many homes in the general north mississippi area. We tried to keep the homes within an hour of Venum's job at Masterbuilt. We agreed that it was quite okay to move as far as Olive Branch or even Memphis....if it was a nice enough home. Our real estate agent, Mary, she drove us all over the area and basically gave us all the information that we needed. We weren't haveing much luck really. I remember how funny it was that every time a car would drive by Mary, she would run off the road. We started to take our own car because Mary was scaring us with her faulty driving. We would laugh every time Mary would run off the road.
As it fastly approached June, Venum and I decided to take a trip to Detroit to visit his family..well, mostly it was his idea but he said I could go along. We decided to leave Damian at home with my aunt. We kept looking for a home hoping we would find something before we left for Detroit.
Right before the time came to leave, we found a home. It wasn't that close to Memphis like Venum would have wanted but it was a home...not a rental property. The house was located on Highway 30 in New Albany. It was a little white wood framed house and it looked okay from the outside. The home was for sale by owner and so we made an appointment to talk to them. The process of getting our home took a very long time. We had started talking to real estate agents and looking for homes since we moved into Burleson's rental and it was about time that we had some relief.
We talked and talked about the house that we had found and finally decided that this was where we were going to live. We met the with lawyers in Memphis and completed the paperwork closing the deal on the house. We agreed to certain terms that, honestly, we didn't quite understand. My aunt was there with us in case we questioned anything or did not understand. Of course, we just sat there and went along with everything. We were quite young and ignorant and so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
After the closing of the house, we went back to our apartment and started to pack things and get ready for the move. We would move everything into the house and then we would go to Detroit to see Venum's family.
1997
June
Venum and I took several energy pills so that we could move all our stuff within a couple days. We rented a Uhaul and started the process of packing. We had to go through everything in the house make sure that we weren't going to take any roaches with us on the move. One of the smaller snakes that we had bought, his name was Ziggy, had gone missing a couple weeks earlier and we still hadn't found him. Well, we found him stuck in the top of the closet where he had died. Apparently, he had somehow choked himself trying to pull free from the top of the closet shelf. We buried him in the backyard and then kept packing. It took about two and half days to get everything moved into the new house. During the move, Firecracker's glass on his cage cracked and broke on one side but we were in such a hurry to go to Detroit that we pushed another box up against his cage and left him like that until our return. Yes, it was irresponsible and crazy but we weren't the brightest young adults you would want to meet and so we decided to leave him and assume he would stay put until we got back...and he did.
Venum told me that he was going to drink and drive on the trip up. He said he was going to keep only a certain amount of beer in the trunk and that was all he would be drinking. He told me that there was no need for me to argue with him because he was going to do what he pleased. He said that we would be taking a bag of weed as well to smoke on the way to Detroit. I didn't like what he had decided but I was afraid of Venum and so I went along with it all. We packed what we needed and we left for Detroit Michigan. It was to be around a 10 hour trip by car.
Venum brought a friend by to meet me when he got off work. The man had red hair with a bushy rat tail and he had wild eyes to match. It didn't take long for me to realize what an idiot this guy was. His name was Michael and he was married with two children at the time. He stood there in the doorway of our duplex with Venum as he was introduced. After he had broken the ice with me, he started to talk about things that were probably lies but whos to really know anyway. He said that he had drank a whole bottle of bleach and survived. Obviously, because he was standing in my doorway. Then when I started to talk of missing it when I painted, he started to say things about painting that I knew to be lies. The things he said about paint brushes and the various mediums that you use to paint with...they were all rubbish. I had spent much of my life painting and had a pretty good familiarity with the hobby or the art. I just sat there and listened because I didn't want to start a stink and cause Venum to get mad at me for being rude to a friend of his. Michael said that next time he came to visit he would bring his wife, Melissa. Oh....I just couldn't wait. *rolls eyes*
1997
Summer
We visited many homes in the general north mississippi area. We tried to keep the homes within an hour of Venum's job at Masterbuilt. We agreed that it was quite okay to move as far as Olive Branch or even Memphis....if it was a nice enough home. Our real estate agent, Mary, she drove us all over the area and basically gave us all the information that we needed. We weren't haveing much luck really. I remember how funny it was that every time a car would drive by Mary, she would run off the road. We started to take our own car because Mary was scaring us with her faulty driving. We would laugh every time Mary would run off the road.
As it fastly approached June, Venum and I decided to take a trip to Detroit to visit his family..well, mostly it was his idea but he said I could go along. We decided to leave Damian at home with my aunt. We kept looking for a home hoping we would find something before we left for Detroit.
Right before the time came to leave, we found a home. It wasn't that close to Memphis like Venum would have wanted but it was a home...not a rental property. The house was located on Highway 30 in New Albany. It was a little white wood framed house and it looked okay from the outside. The home was for sale by owner and so we made an appointment to talk to them. The process of getting our home took a very long time. We had started talking to real estate agents and looking for homes since we moved into Burleson's rental and it was about time that we had some relief.
We talked and talked about the house that we had found and finally decided that this was where we were going to live. We met the with lawyers in Memphis and completed the paperwork closing the deal on the house. We agreed to certain terms that, honestly, we didn't quite understand. My aunt was there with us in case we questioned anything or did not understand. Of course, we just sat there and went along with everything. We were quite young and ignorant and so we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
After the closing of the house, we went back to our apartment and started to pack things and get ready for the move. We would move everything into the house and then we would go to Detroit to see Venum's family.
1997
June
Venum and I took several energy pills so that we could move all our stuff within a couple days. We rented a Uhaul and started the process of packing. We had to go through everything in the house make sure that we weren't going to take any roaches with us on the move. One of the smaller snakes that we had bought, his name was Ziggy, had gone missing a couple weeks earlier and we still hadn't found him. Well, we found him stuck in the top of the closet where he had died. Apparently, he had somehow choked himself trying to pull free from the top of the closet shelf. We buried him in the backyard and then kept packing. It took about two and half days to get everything moved into the new house. During the move, Firecracker's glass on his cage cracked and broke on one side but we were in such a hurry to go to Detroit that we pushed another box up against his cage and left him like that until our return. Yes, it was irresponsible and crazy but we weren't the brightest young adults you would want to meet and so we decided to leave him and assume he would stay put until we got back...and he did.
Venum told me that he was going to drink and drive on the trip up. He said he was going to keep only a certain amount of beer in the trunk and that was all he would be drinking. He told me that there was no need for me to argue with him because he was going to do what he pleased. He said that we would be taking a bag of weed as well to smoke on the way to Detroit. I didn't like what he had decided but I was afraid of Venum and so I went along with it all. We packed what we needed and we left for Detroit Michigan. It was to be around a 10 hour trip by car.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
92
I failed in my storytelling. I failed because I put too much emphasis on myself in the story of my life. I have spent so much time telling about my newborn, my husband and his drug abuse and my dying mother that I failed to tell of what happened to Anna. As I take my shower and get ready for work...I cannot stop thinking of her...a friend of mine from junior high. She was beautiful and she had a story. I am sure...well I can hope at least, that someone else is telling her story. But for now...I shall tell what I knew and know of her. She was special and I have mentioned her once, maybe twice in the story of my life...but, I did not give her justice considering the weight of what happened to her.
Her name was Anna (maybe a reason why I use the name Anna in so many of my blogs and as my other alias. I guess it could have been a subconcious effort to redeem her.) But her name was Anna and she had a sister who was only a little older than she was and her sister's name was Alanna. They were both redheads with freckles all over them. Their mother was a redhead and their father was irritating...haha, that is just the facts. But I loved their whole family and loved the connection that they all had with each other. They lived about 5 miles from me when we all were in junior high. Across from them lived their aunt and uncle and two cousins. When I first met Anna, I was going to bible school at Hamilton Church in Ashland Ms. When I saw her and her wonderful curly red hair and freckles, I giggled and called her an apple. I don't know why, but that is what came into my mind when I saw her. Yes, my hair was red as well but it was long and wavy and just wasnt as brightly red as Annas. My freckles were sparse...being only across my nose and on my chest and shoulders. Anna was covered in them. I always liked to play connect the dots on her shoulders and make her mad.
I spent lots of time there...with Anna and her sister and we had many experiences. I remember picking cabbage in her parents huge garden because her father made me help. Of course I hated that and just wanted to hang out with Anna. Her father was very intelligent and would talk about all these interesting things but he would always make it seem like picking cabbage would lead to some magnificent way of knowledge. I would listen for a while and then my mind would wander. Me and Anna would exchange funny looks with each other and laugh. I remember the day that me and Anna decided to go on a "safari" through her back yard and on through the feilds behind it...then we would travel the woods on over to Casey's house (a friend who rode our bus.) We carried flash lights and snacks and began our journey. No one knew where we were going and I think we got in trouble when we returned. I just remember getting really dirty and laughing so hard. That may have been the night that we decided to shave all our hair off our bodies for the first time. I was scared but Anna showed me how it was done. She shaved me and I shaved her. Then she would bite her toe nails off and I thought that was funny. She was very flexible and cute.
I remember when her grandmother had to move into her house and I came to visit again. We went into her sister's room to hang out because her grandmother was staying her room. We got all of Alanna's markers and drew all over our bodies. Then we used Noxema to get the writing off...I thought it was magnificent as I lay there and let her draw all over me. I think it was the first time that I learned what a wonderful feeling it was to be written on.
I grew to really love Anna and remember when she made another friend. I got so jealous that I told Anna that her other friend was gay so that maybe it would make her scared to be the other girl's friend. I was just so scared of losing Anna as my friend.
As we grew older and entered junior high, Anna spent more time at my house and we played silly games with each other. Many times we would pretend to be man and wife and we would kiss while we lay in bed. We talked about all the boys we liked and we would just sit and hold each other until we passed out. Anna told me that her aunt was bi polar and that she would sometimes just walk away and walk for many miles down the road when no one knew where she was. Anna said her aunt would space out at times and talk to things that weren't there. When Anna talked about these things, I would grow nervous and remember death...I would think of the silly thing inside me and I would change the subject with her. I never told her about those things....ever.
I also remember the slumber parties that we had and how we would listen to the Go Gos. Me, Anna and several other girls from the school would shoot hoops outside and then watch horror movies. I just got this fond memory just now...I just visualized when I would pick Anna up into my arms and carry her around. See, she was a tiny thing...so small that I could just carry her like a baby. I miss Anna. I remember her small hands covered in freckles and her chipped off nail polish. I just remember odd things about her.
Anna wanted to wear glasses so bad that she would put mine on and pretend that they were hers. One day the doctor said her eyes needed correcting and then she got her own glasses. She was so very happy then. When we entered high school, Anna got a boyfriend and his name was David. She didn't really know everythign about him but David was hooked on drugs. Many of us knew it but Anna just wouldn't listen. When we all graduated...Anna married David and they moved away...up north.
And that is her story....of the past but the part that is hard to tell is this...
While I was pregnant with Damian...sometime in the year of 1996, I got a phone call from Donna, another friend of mine from school. She told me a story too and I listened intently.
Anna and David were living in Virginia and David was in the military. One night on military leave, David was hanging out with some friends at a bar. Apparently, David was visiting prostitutes as well. David was supposed to be off the drugs but he wasn't and so he was hanging with some bad civilians as well. Anna calls David's phone to see why he hasn't made it home yet and some guy answers. This guy tells her that her husband is passed out and that he needs to know the directions to their home so that he can bring David home. By this time, David and Anna have a baby and the baby is asleep in his bed. So Anna gives directions to the home and hangs up the phone.
I never thought about the world being this cruel. I never seen violence as something that was real to me or my own...but it is. When Anna opened that door, she was attacked. This guy whom she had talked to moments before pushed her into her home, choked her almost to the point of death and then drowned her in the bath tub finishing the job. Her little baby cried the whole time that Anna was being murdered.
I miss Anna.
Sometimes, I go to visit her mom but she will never be the same. They have a monument for Anna in the front yard as well. Her sister is well and she has a beautiful daughter. Her daughter looks just like Anna.
I miss Anna...and I will never forget her.
Her name was Anna (maybe a reason why I use the name Anna in so many of my blogs and as my other alias. I guess it could have been a subconcious effort to redeem her.) But her name was Anna and she had a sister who was only a little older than she was and her sister's name was Alanna. They were both redheads with freckles all over them. Their mother was a redhead and their father was irritating...haha, that is just the facts. But I loved their whole family and loved the connection that they all had with each other. They lived about 5 miles from me when we all were in junior high. Across from them lived their aunt and uncle and two cousins. When I first met Anna, I was going to bible school at Hamilton Church in Ashland Ms. When I saw her and her wonderful curly red hair and freckles, I giggled and called her an apple. I don't know why, but that is what came into my mind when I saw her. Yes, my hair was red as well but it was long and wavy and just wasnt as brightly red as Annas. My freckles were sparse...being only across my nose and on my chest and shoulders. Anna was covered in them. I always liked to play connect the dots on her shoulders and make her mad.
I spent lots of time there...with Anna and her sister and we had many experiences. I remember picking cabbage in her parents huge garden because her father made me help. Of course I hated that and just wanted to hang out with Anna. Her father was very intelligent and would talk about all these interesting things but he would always make it seem like picking cabbage would lead to some magnificent way of knowledge. I would listen for a while and then my mind would wander. Me and Anna would exchange funny looks with each other and laugh. I remember the day that me and Anna decided to go on a "safari" through her back yard and on through the feilds behind it...then we would travel the woods on over to Casey's house (a friend who rode our bus.) We carried flash lights and snacks and began our journey. No one knew where we were going and I think we got in trouble when we returned. I just remember getting really dirty and laughing so hard. That may have been the night that we decided to shave all our hair off our bodies for the first time. I was scared but Anna showed me how it was done. She shaved me and I shaved her. Then she would bite her toe nails off and I thought that was funny. She was very flexible and cute.
I remember when her grandmother had to move into her house and I came to visit again. We went into her sister's room to hang out because her grandmother was staying her room. We got all of Alanna's markers and drew all over our bodies. Then we used Noxema to get the writing off...I thought it was magnificent as I lay there and let her draw all over me. I think it was the first time that I learned what a wonderful feeling it was to be written on.
I grew to really love Anna and remember when she made another friend. I got so jealous that I told Anna that her other friend was gay so that maybe it would make her scared to be the other girl's friend. I was just so scared of losing Anna as my friend.
As we grew older and entered junior high, Anna spent more time at my house and we played silly games with each other. Many times we would pretend to be man and wife and we would kiss while we lay in bed. We talked about all the boys we liked and we would just sit and hold each other until we passed out. Anna told me that her aunt was bi polar and that she would sometimes just walk away and walk for many miles down the road when no one knew where she was. Anna said her aunt would space out at times and talk to things that weren't there. When Anna talked about these things, I would grow nervous and remember death...I would think of the silly thing inside me and I would change the subject with her. I never told her about those things....ever.
I also remember the slumber parties that we had and how we would listen to the Go Gos. Me, Anna and several other girls from the school would shoot hoops outside and then watch horror movies. I just got this fond memory just now...I just visualized when I would pick Anna up into my arms and carry her around. See, she was a tiny thing...so small that I could just carry her like a baby. I miss Anna. I remember her small hands covered in freckles and her chipped off nail polish. I just remember odd things about her.
Anna wanted to wear glasses so bad that she would put mine on and pretend that they were hers. One day the doctor said her eyes needed correcting and then she got her own glasses. She was so very happy then. When we entered high school, Anna got a boyfriend and his name was David. She didn't really know everythign about him but David was hooked on drugs. Many of us knew it but Anna just wouldn't listen. When we all graduated...Anna married David and they moved away...up north.
And that is her story....of the past but the part that is hard to tell is this...
While I was pregnant with Damian...sometime in the year of 1996, I got a phone call from Donna, another friend of mine from school. She told me a story too and I listened intently.
Anna and David were living in Virginia and David was in the military. One night on military leave, David was hanging out with some friends at a bar. Apparently, David was visiting prostitutes as well. David was supposed to be off the drugs but he wasn't and so he was hanging with some bad civilians as well. Anna calls David's phone to see why he hasn't made it home yet and some guy answers. This guy tells her that her husband is passed out and that he needs to know the directions to their home so that he can bring David home. By this time, David and Anna have a baby and the baby is asleep in his bed. So Anna gives directions to the home and hangs up the phone.
I never thought about the world being this cruel. I never seen violence as something that was real to me or my own...but it is. When Anna opened that door, she was attacked. This guy whom she had talked to moments before pushed her into her home, choked her almost to the point of death and then drowned her in the bath tub finishing the job. Her little baby cried the whole time that Anna was being murdered.
I miss Anna.
Sometimes, I go to visit her mom but she will never be the same. They have a monument for Anna in the front yard as well. Her sister is well and she has a beautiful daughter. Her daughter looks just like Anna.
I miss Anna...and I will never forget her.
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