1997
Winter
I started looking for a job on the new year. It was not an easy task but I finally found something that I could handle. I registered with a Temporary service called Manpower. With this service, I acquired my first real job since Bio Clinic. I started on 3rd shift at Hunter Douglass constructing small metal parts for window blinds. It was not the easiest job by far and I had to keep my fingers wrapped with this odd tape just to keep from cutting myself on the metal parts. Working 3rd shift was odd for me because it had been a long time since I had done this and it was odd taking care of Damian in the morning when all I wanted to do is sleep. We did not get a baby sitter because we figured we could take care of Damian on our own and we did the best we could. I met several women at this job, most of which were not all that nice. But one of the girls became a good friend to me and before long, she was wanting to get together to do things with my husband and hers. The girl's name was Marcy and sometimes, even now...in this future time, I really miss Marcy.
The job didn't last long as temp jobs are prone to do. I kept in contact with Marcy and we all hung out together when we could. When Damian would need me, I would leave the others to having fun and take care of him. I hated the way that I thought then...I would think about what a burden my child was on me...but I would do the things I needed to do anyway. But, there....deep down within, I felt this resentment growing because whenever we had friends, I was always the one who had to hang back and take care of my child while Venum had fun and passed out.
1997
I went from job to job looking for something that was going to last. We needed a steady income for our family and Venum insisted that I work as well to help out.
I acquired a job at Piper Impact (this factory has changed its name on many occasions and it is where I am working now.) But lets just take it one step at a time. I got a job at Piper as a Print reworker or something of that matter. I worked with Jimmy C in Tool and Die reworking the prints for the various tools. I would take the prints upstairs to an empty office and work on them by pulling the original prints to compare by. Then I would file away the originals and take the reworked prints back to Jimmy. I loved working there and would dress up really nice trying to look like a professional.
While I worked the temp job at Piper, we had found a nice lady to take care of Damian. Her name was Ms. Duke and she resided back in Tupelo. We would leave early in the morning, drop Damian off at the daycare and then travel to New Albany to go to work. Piper was right beside Masterbuilt so Venum would come to see me at lunch on many occasions. When work was over, we would travel back to Tupelo, pick up Damian and to home...back to Burlesons.
At the same time that I was delving back into the employment world; Venum and I were also in the process of finding a house. We wanted to have a more permanent residence. Venum would complain constantly about how we were just giving people money for no reason. He said that as long as we were paying rent, we were just throwing away money. And so we started a very long process of looking for a permanent home. We would travel all over the Union County, Marshall County and Benton County, looking for a home. At Venum's request, we looked for something closer to Memphis. It seemed that he wanted to be closer to the bigger cities. With the help of our real estate agent, we got to travel and look at several homes. One home, in lamar Ms, was just perect for us and I would call about the home while I was at work. I remember getting into trouble on many occasions for making personal calls. We lost that house and we were both down; but we continued to look for something...anything that would get us out of the rental trap.
The job at Piper did not last long though and I had to find something else through Manpower. The company sent me to Oil dry where I had to wear hard hat, safety glasses, an apron, face mask and ear plugs. I felt as if I wasn't even in the same world. The plant was dark, dirty and hot and I was only one of three girls in the entire facility. We took Damian out of Ms. Duke's daycare and let Venum's stepmother keep him while I was at Oil Dry. I would get off work at 3 and go to Venum's step mother's house and there I would nurse Damian. It was very hard working and nursing a child. My breasts would always swell badly and leak out milk while I worked. I had to wear three layers of padding to keep from soaking my shirts. The job was dirty too and I had to make sure that I kept my breasts clean so that I would pump out milk on my lunch breaks. I did this too...I would take a sandwiche into the bathroom stall and use a hand held breast pump to relieve my swollen breasts. I would pack the bottles of milk into a insulated bag and then go back to work. One of the men at Oil dry kept asking me why I was going into the bathroom at lunch with a black bag. He asked me over and over until I told him the truth about what I was doing. He thought that breast feeding was sexy for some reason and then he asked me for my phone number. I just rolled my eyes at him and went back to work.
From Oil dry, I went to Piper Centex which was the company which was buying Piper. They had built a new plant on Sam T. Barkly Ave., just east of the old factory. Manpower sent me to clean the new facility before they opened up their doors for business. I mopped floors, cleaned windows and even toilets. It was a job...that is all I can say. Many times Venum woudl pick me up from work and he started to be really late again. One day he was several hours late and I was calling every where to find him. When he finally got to the job site, he told me that he had left work early and started drinking. He said he got drunk and fell asleep. I was very angry because I knew his step mother was more than ready for us to pick up Damian.
I will never forget how Venum's step mother insisted that our baby was racist. I assumed that she thought we had taught him to be racist. It was ridiculous in my opinion, that a baby could be racist. His step mother said that when her father, whom was a very dark man, would enter the room; Damian would start screaming. She insisted that he screamed because her father was black. she was insinuating that I had taught my son to be racist. I really didn't have much to say to her because the whole idea was beyond stupid.
I decided to put Damian in a real daycare in New Albany. I continued to work at Oil Dry and then to pick up Damian and then his father. We would travel to Tupelo and I would make dinner for us all. By then, it was time to go to bed and get ready to do the whole thing over again. Life wasn't easy for us but we were keeping busy and it helped keep us our of trouble. We kept looking for the perfect home while we worked our asses off. I tried to be a good mother and I guess at that time and period, I did pretty well. I would read my bible and try to be what I should be. Sometimes, Venum would get curious about what I was reading and he would ask me what was going on. I would start to tell him about the stories I was reading in the bible and then we would get mad. He would always say that he didnt want to hear all that, he just wanted a simple answer. He would leave the room and get angry because I would have read too much from the bible to him. Venum remained an atheist by choice. Sometimes I wonder if he didn't believe in God or that he just hated him for some of the things that he felt God did to him.
Venum told me a story once when we were living back at Chez place. He said that when he was 15, he had a girlfriend with long red hair. He talked about how beautiful she was and that no one would ever take her place. He told me that they would talk all the time and hang out together and that her father hated him. Her name was Alicia. He said that one day while he was working underage at the liquir store in Detroit Michigan, he got some really bad news. While he was watching television, a picture of his girlfriend flashed on the screen and the report said that she had been killed in an accident. He told me that he remembers that she was going somewhere and he didnt want to go with her. It had been a while since she had called but he didnt think anythign of it. He would tell me these details with tears in his and he would tell me how her long red hair had gotten caught somehow in the vehicle and it had drug her down the street killing her. He would also tell me how he hated the Pistons because it was a crazed fan who had commited the hit and run. Venum kept a long strand of Alicia's hair for years. I would go into the box when he wasn't looking and I would touch her hair. I was just so curious and so saddened by all of it. So I could understand his anger for that and for many other things that he told me.
I would not read anything else to him again in such detail. I would stay back, timid and wait for him to ask the questions. I knew his anger well enough and I knew how strong it could be when you still hurt.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
88
1996
The hospital
While I was sleeping, I dreamed and I dreamed of her. The little girl that I never had and the emptiness that remained. I thought with having Damian that the void would be filled but it was not. Yes, morbid morbid...always morbid and you can judge me for that surely...but wait. It was not I who sent the dream and it was not I that left the feeling inside my heart; so don't blame me. Of course I loved Damian and I did see him as a gift from God but...I missed her. Everyday of my life, I missed her, the girl that only lived for 6 weeks. Whose limited time inside the water world was violently ended...and yes, I did torture myself for that...and still do.
I awoke to the sound of a coca Cola being opened. I could smell the drink and it burned my nose. Every scent was wild and strong. I smelled my brother's cologne and the beer on my husband's breath. I sat up in bed and inhaled the world. My nostrils flared full of the scents that spun round and round my bed.
"Give me that!" I spoke frankly and took the drink from my brother's hand.
He looked surprised and jolted by my sudden appearance into conciousness. "uh...ok."
My husband lay sleeping in the chair at the foot of bed. He had been out drinking all day while I lie here and fed Damian. He had been with Margie because he told me. I guess he thought I was too sleepy to remember. I looked at him and wished he was awake.
"I need another one...please."
My brother went to the counter by the bed and got me a coke. When I opened the can, Damian woke up. I laughed and imagined that my little one was just as gung ho over coca cola as I was. I laughed again and then realized that I had made a loud noise and that from now on....all the loud noises were going to have this affect.
I shrugged and drank the soda down.
"I am hungry." I looked around and then my brother sighed with exasperation. Damian commensed to nursing again and finally he fell back to sleep.
My mother called and she had tears with her words. She told me congratulations and that she had to get off the phone before daddy found out that she had called me. She told me that she loved me and that I should always remember that. Then she was gone as she had been gone for months now. Dying and I could not go to her.
Going Home
I went home and when I went home, I cried. I cried because I could not offer better places and things for my baby. My home was a little duplex and it was just not like it should be. He had no room of his own and I could not make Venum give the other room to him. A roach ran across my foot as I walked into the main room of the duplex and I just cried harder. I didn't even ask for the room because I was afraid to do so and that fact alone made me sort of a bad mother. I put away my things and sat down on the couch. I just sat there for a while and calmed myself down.
Damian slept lots right now but there would be a time, the doctor tells us, that he will be up much more and it will get very stressful. He tried to prepare me for everything that he could think of but there are just some things that I had to learn on my own.
Damian slept between me and Venum every night for the fist months. I had to nurse him and it was just so much easier to wake up in the middle of the night and plop a nipple in his mouth. Then I could go back to sleep while he fed himself to sleep. It was comforting and I felt as though I could protect him better. When Venum rolled over, I would scoop Damian up in my arms and roll over to the other side with him. Sometimes Venum would wake up and play with Damian. I loved this part and it is still a fond memory of mine to this day. Some memories, oh...some beautiful memories, we wish we could put in a bottle and when we needed something from life; we could open the bottle and pour out the bliss to enjoy. But there is not bottle; there is only this page...and so I continue.
I remember how funny feeding was for me and for others. Sometimes, I had to use the bathroom but Damian just wouldn't let up. So, picture this...me, on the toilet with a baby on my breast and then trying to read a magazine. Yes, simply hilarious, but very true. Imagine this...Venum's friends come over to get high and they decide to come in and see the baby. Well, the guy always gets nervous and hides their faces from my exposed breast even when the baby is on it. I always would just laugh at them. Venum would eventually tell me to go in the bedroom so that they would feel more comfortable. It was okay by me, didn't matter all that much anyway. And when Damian slept, my breasts would grow so very large and hard, filled with milk. Suddenly, like magic..I would feel a tingle and then twin streams of milk would pour out of my nipples and show through my shirt. Like a trigger, Damian would wake up whining then if I did not go immediately to him, he would scream. I don't know for sure if my milk was triggered by him or if he was triggered by the smell of my milk. To me, it was both a funny and beautiful thing. Besides...hehe, for a while, I had nice boobs.
1996
He was beautiful, did I say that? He was born with a head full of black hair. His eyes were big and brown and he just smiled and smiled making me see that lovely things did , in fact, exist. And I did love him, even though I didn't know how...I loved him. He was precious to me and still is.
1996
My aunt came to see the baby and she just doted on him. She brought so many gifts and things that he actually didn't need yet. She spent the night with us and took us all out to eat. It was a very pleasant day and evening. I liked when my family came to visit me because then, Venum did not drink. He always did this thing that is hard to explain when we were around Christians or people he did not know. He would put this mask on...when I say this I mean, he would appear as someone that I did not really know. There were no cuss words, no hitting, no drinking, no dope...there was no rudeness and disreguard for feelings. Even his voice would change...sounding almost Brittish in its properness. I watching him do this as he talked to my aunt. At first I grew angry because the man before me was not mine. I was cheated from having such a man and never would have that. It is not that I wanted some prim and proper man, no; I do not, acctually. I just wanted someone who was real, repectful and kind...all the time...or most of the time, realistically. I watching them then again and then I started to study his mannerisms, the way his hands folded neatly onto his lap when he spoke. I watched his eyes as he looked at my aunt and charmed her to no end. I watched and I learned things...so many things I would learn from Venum...but the question was...how would I utilize these things. The thought was fleeting and then I scolded myself for having such inappropriate thoughts.
The next day when she left, Venum went out to get drunk with his friends and left me home alone with Damian.
The hospital
While I was sleeping, I dreamed and I dreamed of her. The little girl that I never had and the emptiness that remained. I thought with having Damian that the void would be filled but it was not. Yes, morbid morbid...always morbid and you can judge me for that surely...but wait. It was not I who sent the dream and it was not I that left the feeling inside my heart; so don't blame me. Of course I loved Damian and I did see him as a gift from God but...I missed her. Everyday of my life, I missed her, the girl that only lived for 6 weeks. Whose limited time inside the water world was violently ended...and yes, I did torture myself for that...and still do.
I awoke to the sound of a coca Cola being opened. I could smell the drink and it burned my nose. Every scent was wild and strong. I smelled my brother's cologne and the beer on my husband's breath. I sat up in bed and inhaled the world. My nostrils flared full of the scents that spun round and round my bed.
"Give me that!" I spoke frankly and took the drink from my brother's hand.
He looked surprised and jolted by my sudden appearance into conciousness. "uh...ok."
My husband lay sleeping in the chair at the foot of bed. He had been out drinking all day while I lie here and fed Damian. He had been with Margie because he told me. I guess he thought I was too sleepy to remember. I looked at him and wished he was awake.
"I need another one...please."
My brother went to the counter by the bed and got me a coke. When I opened the can, Damian woke up. I laughed and imagined that my little one was just as gung ho over coca cola as I was. I laughed again and then realized that I had made a loud noise and that from now on....all the loud noises were going to have this affect.
I shrugged and drank the soda down.
"I am hungry." I looked around and then my brother sighed with exasperation. Damian commensed to nursing again and finally he fell back to sleep.
My mother called and she had tears with her words. She told me congratulations and that she had to get off the phone before daddy found out that she had called me. She told me that she loved me and that I should always remember that. Then she was gone as she had been gone for months now. Dying and I could not go to her.
Going Home
I went home and when I went home, I cried. I cried because I could not offer better places and things for my baby. My home was a little duplex and it was just not like it should be. He had no room of his own and I could not make Venum give the other room to him. A roach ran across my foot as I walked into the main room of the duplex and I just cried harder. I didn't even ask for the room because I was afraid to do so and that fact alone made me sort of a bad mother. I put away my things and sat down on the couch. I just sat there for a while and calmed myself down.
Damian slept lots right now but there would be a time, the doctor tells us, that he will be up much more and it will get very stressful. He tried to prepare me for everything that he could think of but there are just some things that I had to learn on my own.
Damian slept between me and Venum every night for the fist months. I had to nurse him and it was just so much easier to wake up in the middle of the night and plop a nipple in his mouth. Then I could go back to sleep while he fed himself to sleep. It was comforting and I felt as though I could protect him better. When Venum rolled over, I would scoop Damian up in my arms and roll over to the other side with him. Sometimes Venum would wake up and play with Damian. I loved this part and it is still a fond memory of mine to this day. Some memories, oh...some beautiful memories, we wish we could put in a bottle and when we needed something from life; we could open the bottle and pour out the bliss to enjoy. But there is not bottle; there is only this page...and so I continue.
I remember how funny feeding was for me and for others. Sometimes, I had to use the bathroom but Damian just wouldn't let up. So, picture this...me, on the toilet with a baby on my breast and then trying to read a magazine. Yes, simply hilarious, but very true. Imagine this...Venum's friends come over to get high and they decide to come in and see the baby. Well, the guy always gets nervous and hides their faces from my exposed breast even when the baby is on it. I always would just laugh at them. Venum would eventually tell me to go in the bedroom so that they would feel more comfortable. It was okay by me, didn't matter all that much anyway. And when Damian slept, my breasts would grow so very large and hard, filled with milk. Suddenly, like magic..I would feel a tingle and then twin streams of milk would pour out of my nipples and show through my shirt. Like a trigger, Damian would wake up whining then if I did not go immediately to him, he would scream. I don't know for sure if my milk was triggered by him or if he was triggered by the smell of my milk. To me, it was both a funny and beautiful thing. Besides...hehe, for a while, I had nice boobs.
1996
He was beautiful, did I say that? He was born with a head full of black hair. His eyes were big and brown and he just smiled and smiled making me see that lovely things did , in fact, exist. And I did love him, even though I didn't know how...I loved him. He was precious to me and still is.
1996
My aunt came to see the baby and she just doted on him. She brought so many gifts and things that he actually didn't need yet. She spent the night with us and took us all out to eat. It was a very pleasant day and evening. I liked when my family came to visit me because then, Venum did not drink. He always did this thing that is hard to explain when we were around Christians or people he did not know. He would put this mask on...when I say this I mean, he would appear as someone that I did not really know. There were no cuss words, no hitting, no drinking, no dope...there was no rudeness and disreguard for feelings. Even his voice would change...sounding almost Brittish in its properness. I watching him do this as he talked to my aunt. At first I grew angry because the man before me was not mine. I was cheated from having such a man and never would have that. It is not that I wanted some prim and proper man, no; I do not, acctually. I just wanted someone who was real, repectful and kind...all the time...or most of the time, realistically. I watching them then again and then I started to study his mannerisms, the way his hands folded neatly onto his lap when he spoke. I watched his eyes as he looked at my aunt and charmed her to no end. I watched and I learned things...so many things I would learn from Venum...but the question was...how would I utilize these things. The thought was fleeting and then I scolded myself for having such inappropriate thoughts.
The next day when she left, Venum went out to get drunk with his friends and left me home alone with Damian.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
87
1996
Halloween
So, I was in the midst of something new, a new pain and gripping sensation that I could not escape from. I climbed into the shower to clean the blood from my body. As I stepped over the tub, I licked some of the stray blood from my fingers and then I felt the first pain....a dull pain. I was curious about it and so i stopped to feel it completely. It faded away as soon as it inflicted me. I turned on the shower and stood there letting the warm water wash over my body. As the blood run from my fingers down to the drain, I felt the next pain. This one was only slightly more painful than the first and so I continued to wash myself. By the time I was finished with my shower the pain had grown in intensity.
I walked out into the living room and saw Christie watching television again. I told that I thought we might should call her brother and let him know what was going on. She agreed and so I called his work. I got his supervisor on the phone and told him that I thought I was about to have the baby and that Venum should come home. My supervisor laughed and asked me if I had called an ambulance yet. I told him no and that I would not call an ambulance...I would not leave this house until the father of the baby arrived to carry me to the Women's hospital. And that is how it was...I absolutely refused to be carried to the hospital by anyone else.
The pains grew more intense and closer together. Christie began to really panick and she couldn't stay off the phone. She called her grandmother, her mother, her sister and anyone else she thought about gossiping too. I guess she was just so scared and did not know what to do. In fact, I was kind of concerned for us as well. I felt Damian pushing downward as the pain got pretty intense. I started to walk around the room and concentrate on my breathing.
Venum called soon afterwards and said he was on his way and that I might want to call an ambulance. By this time, I was growing angry at them all and I kind of yelled at him.
"I told you guys...I am not calling a damn ambulance. I will wait until you get here to take me!"
So Venum floored it...driving at top speed to Tupelo. Meanwhile, I paced the floor. Christie stepped outside for a moment and then when she came back, two other females came into my house with her. I looked at them like they were crazy because I had never seen them before in my life. The came toward me talking really sweet and calm and told me that I should take my clothes off and get into a gown. They said that I should wear only a gown in case I had the baby before Venum arrived. I screamed.
"what!"
Then I complied. Not long afterwards, Venum whipped into the driveway and came inside to get me. By this time, I could barely walk and they picked me up and laid me in the back seat of the Toyota. I remember so many men standing outside the duplex staring at the commotion. I was even worried that they would see up my gown and notice that I wasn't wearing any underwear. (It is truly amazing what we worry about that really doesn't make any sense at the time.) Christie jumped in the back seat with me while Venum drove. He alerted us that he was running out of gas and that he had to stop at the gas station. Me and Christie both were appalled at that and I said "what the fuck?!" and she started speaking in tongues to pray over me. ON the way, Venum drove around cars and on the side of the road just to push his way through traffic. Christie held on for dear life while I huffed and puffed, squealing in pain.
When we got to the hospital, we had pulled up to the wrong door and a nurse made me get back in the car and go around to the other side. I do not understand why they could not have put me in a wheelchair and whip me on through the clinic to the other side...but whatever. I went through the door and was wheeled into a smaller room where other women were screaming and panting for dear life. I felt as if I had to shit again and so I begged to go to the bathroom. Of course I could not do anything because the sensation of Damain pushing was fooling me into thinking that I had to do something else. After trying and failing, I went back to the bed that they assigned me and commensed to beg the nurses for something for pain. Venum came and went leaving me sometimes when I needed him the most. I kept telling him that i wanted him to stay but he would leave anyway and leave me to clawing the walls in pain. I told the nurses that Damian was coming now but those wenches didn't believe me and told me that I had many many more hours to go in pain and that I had to wait on the doctor to arrive. The nurses laughed at me and left me alone again. I writhed in pain, lifing my body off the bed. I caressed my belly and cried. My aunt arrived before the doctor ever got there.
When the doctor did get there, he rose my hospital gown and checked to see how far I was dilated. When he stuck his hand below, the whole thing went inside of me. He was shocked and yelled for the nurses to get me into the delivery room immediately; that I was having the baby now.
When I got into the delivery room, it only took three pushes to give birth to Damian. I didn't recieve any pain meds until the end of the second push. I recieved Morphine and then pushed Damian on out and into the world. They took him from me and Venum told me that I was funny looking because my face was all purple. Of course, I said ' fuck you' and smiled because I was pretty messed up at the time.
After they cleaned him up, they brought Damian to me. I took him and held him in my arms and come to a sudden realization. I did not know how to love him. I did not know him and I had no idea what his personality would be. I looked at him in a strange way and then realized for the first time...
...this was unconditional love...love without reason....love without vice and it was true love. Although I did not yet feel the love for him as I did for others...I knew that my love for him would be a love that could never be undone.
I smiled and offered him my breast. Like a natural instinct, he fed and I knew peace for that moment.
Halloween
So, I was in the midst of something new, a new pain and gripping sensation that I could not escape from. I climbed into the shower to clean the blood from my body. As I stepped over the tub, I licked some of the stray blood from my fingers and then I felt the first pain....a dull pain. I was curious about it and so i stopped to feel it completely. It faded away as soon as it inflicted me. I turned on the shower and stood there letting the warm water wash over my body. As the blood run from my fingers down to the drain, I felt the next pain. This one was only slightly more painful than the first and so I continued to wash myself. By the time I was finished with my shower the pain had grown in intensity.
I walked out into the living room and saw Christie watching television again. I told that I thought we might should call her brother and let him know what was going on. She agreed and so I called his work. I got his supervisor on the phone and told him that I thought I was about to have the baby and that Venum should come home. My supervisor laughed and asked me if I had called an ambulance yet. I told him no and that I would not call an ambulance...I would not leave this house until the father of the baby arrived to carry me to the Women's hospital. And that is how it was...I absolutely refused to be carried to the hospital by anyone else.
The pains grew more intense and closer together. Christie began to really panick and she couldn't stay off the phone. She called her grandmother, her mother, her sister and anyone else she thought about gossiping too. I guess she was just so scared and did not know what to do. In fact, I was kind of concerned for us as well. I felt Damian pushing downward as the pain got pretty intense. I started to walk around the room and concentrate on my breathing.
Venum called soon afterwards and said he was on his way and that I might want to call an ambulance. By this time, I was growing angry at them all and I kind of yelled at him.
"I told you guys...I am not calling a damn ambulance. I will wait until you get here to take me!"
So Venum floored it...driving at top speed to Tupelo. Meanwhile, I paced the floor. Christie stepped outside for a moment and then when she came back, two other females came into my house with her. I looked at them like they were crazy because I had never seen them before in my life. The came toward me talking really sweet and calm and told me that I should take my clothes off and get into a gown. They said that I should wear only a gown in case I had the baby before Venum arrived. I screamed.
"what!"
Then I complied. Not long afterwards, Venum whipped into the driveway and came inside to get me. By this time, I could barely walk and they picked me up and laid me in the back seat of the Toyota. I remember so many men standing outside the duplex staring at the commotion. I was even worried that they would see up my gown and notice that I wasn't wearing any underwear. (It is truly amazing what we worry about that really doesn't make any sense at the time.) Christie jumped in the back seat with me while Venum drove. He alerted us that he was running out of gas and that he had to stop at the gas station. Me and Christie both were appalled at that and I said "what the fuck?!" and she started speaking in tongues to pray over me. ON the way, Venum drove around cars and on the side of the road just to push his way through traffic. Christie held on for dear life while I huffed and puffed, squealing in pain.
When we got to the hospital, we had pulled up to the wrong door and a nurse made me get back in the car and go around to the other side. I do not understand why they could not have put me in a wheelchair and whip me on through the clinic to the other side...but whatever. I went through the door and was wheeled into a smaller room where other women were screaming and panting for dear life. I felt as if I had to shit again and so I begged to go to the bathroom. Of course I could not do anything because the sensation of Damain pushing was fooling me into thinking that I had to do something else. After trying and failing, I went back to the bed that they assigned me and commensed to beg the nurses for something for pain. Venum came and went leaving me sometimes when I needed him the most. I kept telling him that i wanted him to stay but he would leave anyway and leave me to clawing the walls in pain. I told the nurses that Damian was coming now but those wenches didn't believe me and told me that I had many many more hours to go in pain and that I had to wait on the doctor to arrive. The nurses laughed at me and left me alone again. I writhed in pain, lifing my body off the bed. I caressed my belly and cried. My aunt arrived before the doctor ever got there.
When the doctor did get there, he rose my hospital gown and checked to see how far I was dilated. When he stuck his hand below, the whole thing went inside of me. He was shocked and yelled for the nurses to get me into the delivery room immediately; that I was having the baby now.
When I got into the delivery room, it only took three pushes to give birth to Damian. I didn't recieve any pain meds until the end of the second push. I recieved Morphine and then pushed Damian on out and into the world. They took him from me and Venum told me that I was funny looking because my face was all purple. Of course, I said ' fuck you' and smiled because I was pretty messed up at the time.
After they cleaned him up, they brought Damian to me. I took him and held him in my arms and come to a sudden realization. I did not know how to love him. I did not know him and I had no idea what his personality would be. I looked at him in a strange way and then realized for the first time...
...this was unconditional love...love without reason....love without vice and it was true love. Although I did not yet feel the love for him as I did for others...I knew that my love for him would be a love that could never be undone.
I smiled and offered him my breast. Like a natural instinct, he fed and I knew peace for that moment.
86
1996
On my last appointment to the doctor's office, I had a sonogram done to check on Damian. It was normal procedure considering it was getting very close to his birth. Everything looked fine and both Venum and I were excited. On the way back home, someone, who was simply not watching what he was doing, ran us off the road. Right before the incident happened, I remember feeling disassociated from reality. There is never an easy way to explain this other than to say that I could feel myself floating upwards, I could feel a sense of watching a scene from somewhere else and extracting myself from that scene. I knew what to expect and so I kept my head forward and starred at the road before me. I did not want to see things in life going backwards because If I did then I would know that everything that had happened in the past was indeed true. I only swerved away from the other driver when I saw that he was continuing to come closer to me. I ran off the road stopping just short of a stop sign. I remember crying hysterically not just becuase i was scared for myself but because I was scared for Damian. I remember how angry Venum was and I remember how he got out of the car and approached the driver. I didn't hear what he was saying but I saw the anger on Venum's face. I just wanted to sit there and collect myself, wiping any indication of what I felt from my mind before Venum returned....because Venum never really took supernatural things to be serious. I just stacked this incident inside my little library of things that shouldn't be.
Fall
1996
I cleansed the house today and not by cleaning. I purchased a small bundle of white sage and did my prayers as I smudged the four corners of the apartment. I wanted to rid the place of all negative spirits before Damian arrived. I know that the church would not approve of my conduct but I did not care. These little spells and charges, cleansings and conjures were just part of my ancestry. Being part Irish and part Native American...there were so many practices that I could not ignore which revolved around my love of natural spirituality. I knew that true spirituality didn't really involve the church. I got out my Abolone Shell and filled it with Lavender to help calm me and the baby. I put mandrake root at all entrances to the home for protection from evil visitors. I was nesting in more ways than a few. After cleansing the home, I proceeded to wash the walls of the apartment. It was almost time..I could feel Damian's body dropping down into my lower abdomen which is a signal that it would only be a matter of weeks before he would be here. That night, the moon was so big and bright. I sat outside on the back steps and watched it sitting there among the stars. I could feel something pushing me but it wasn't Damian. The hairs on my arm began to rise and the soles of my feet tingled. In my throat a giggle erupted but I struggled to hold it down...to drown it. I stood without warning and looked back up at the moon. The light of the lunar body intrigued me and pulled at me. My face tingled then and my gums began to hurt. I walked out onto the grass of the backyard and as my feet touched the grass, the tingled traveled upwards and exploded across my pubic area and up past my clitoris. I felt amazing and very excited. I don't remember exactly what happened and I do not know where Venum was but I remember taking two frozen hot dogs from the freezer and using them to pleasure myself. Then I fell asleep...I fell asleep knowing that the thing...the giddy, silly, mischevious thing was trying with all her might...to reclaim what she felt was hers.
Fall
1996
I started to hurt one day when Venum was at work. I felt a contracting dull pain radiating in my abdomen and so I called the doctor's office. The doctor said that I should wait a while to make sure that the contractions were real. I waited for several hours enduring the pain but it never went away. I called the doctor again and he told me to go to the Women's Hospital. When I got to the hospital, the examiner told me that I was having fake contractions called Braxton hicks contractions and that it was caused by my addiction to cola products. I was told that I couldn't drink sodas anymore until after the baby was born. That was the first time that I had a catherization done and it hurt so very badly. I have never had a small tube inserted into my urethra and it burned as if fire was being inserted into my body. The doctor also alerted me to the fact that I had a kidney infection from the drinking of too many colas. I went home dissapointed because I was ready for Damian to be born and this was just false hope for me.
1996
One night while Venum and I was sleeping, Damian wanted to stay up and play around in my womb. I felt him kicking and wiggling like he was fighting something in there. I lay in bed and giggled at Damian's fun. After a while I rolled over and wrapped my arms around Venum's back. All of a sudden Damian kicked in the womb and then Venum woke up. My husband turned to me and asked me why I was beating him in the back. I just laughed at the fact that Damian was kicking so hard that not only did i feel it, but his father could feel it as well....fight through my flesh and onto his father's back. This kid was going to be special and he certainly demanded attention. My dreams were sweet that night...I remember this to be so. In the morning as all mornings before, I awoke to the rattling of Venum's Western Diamond back. There were few days that I didn't enter that pet room and Firecracker not strike the plexi glass of his cage. I would gaze in curiosity at the venom that dripped down the glass.
1996
Fall
All hallows eve came quickly and I had all the candy put out in the bowls for the little trick or treaters. I was even wearing a long black dress for the occasion. I was huge, to say the least and the baby was due in 8 days. I was very excited but I was also excited to enjoy the Halloween holiday before Damian came. I put out the candy around 2 or so and started talking to Christie. Venum was working at Masterbuilt in New Albany which was a half hour away and he had our only vehicle, his Toyota. I had long since lost my car to another motor problem and I, being a blithering idiot had just neglected the car at a shop in Tupelo and later on, the owner felt the need to sell it for himself. But that was just a story that failed to get told...in spite of its seeming importance.
Christie had been here for a while and she didn't plan on leaving until sometime after the baby was born. Her job here was to help me so that her brother could take care of his own "business" which I assume she knew to be the sale of drugs. Christie had cooked a huge meal for us on Halloween and us two girls had settled down to watch some television for the night. We didn't say much to each other because there was always an undercurrent of animosity between us. So the sitcoms on televison kept us occupied and helped us to pretend that we wanted to be sociable.
And then something strange happened. I started to feel as if I need to use the bathroom badly...not to pee mind you, but to really and certainly use the bathroom in the most heavy duty way. I felt the pressure on my lower abdomen making me very uncomfortable and so I told Christie that I had to go to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and tried my hardest to do what I had to do...it was horrible. Despite the pressure....nothing happened and so I thought I should help and coax my business to be underway. I pushed and held onto the wall with one hand. (By the way, thanks for allowing me to give TMI here, and yes it is necessary for the story.) Suddenly something popped down below and I thought this was strange. Then a copias amont of fluid came gushing out from one orifice in my nether regions. I realized that the fluid had come from my vagina. I was sweating by then and so I got up to see what was happening. When I looked in the toilet there was a horrible amount of blood and so I panicked. I ran to the living room and told Christie what had happened. She stood up and looked at me crazy then she spoke.
"Sherrie, Your water just broke. I am sure of it." With this statement, she jumped on the phone and started to call her family.
I complained and told her that she needed to let me call the doctor and see what I should do. Christie told me that I should call an ambulance right away. I just called the doctor and she told me that I should just calm down because the baby was probably not coming any time soon. She said to go take a shower and clean myself up and just wait for other signs of birth. And so I did this.
On my last appointment to the doctor's office, I had a sonogram done to check on Damian. It was normal procedure considering it was getting very close to his birth. Everything looked fine and both Venum and I were excited. On the way back home, someone, who was simply not watching what he was doing, ran us off the road. Right before the incident happened, I remember feeling disassociated from reality. There is never an easy way to explain this other than to say that I could feel myself floating upwards, I could feel a sense of watching a scene from somewhere else and extracting myself from that scene. I knew what to expect and so I kept my head forward and starred at the road before me. I did not want to see things in life going backwards because If I did then I would know that everything that had happened in the past was indeed true. I only swerved away from the other driver when I saw that he was continuing to come closer to me. I ran off the road stopping just short of a stop sign. I remember crying hysterically not just becuase i was scared for myself but because I was scared for Damian. I remember how angry Venum was and I remember how he got out of the car and approached the driver. I didn't hear what he was saying but I saw the anger on Venum's face. I just wanted to sit there and collect myself, wiping any indication of what I felt from my mind before Venum returned....because Venum never really took supernatural things to be serious. I just stacked this incident inside my little library of things that shouldn't be.
Fall
1996
I cleansed the house today and not by cleaning. I purchased a small bundle of white sage and did my prayers as I smudged the four corners of the apartment. I wanted to rid the place of all negative spirits before Damian arrived. I know that the church would not approve of my conduct but I did not care. These little spells and charges, cleansings and conjures were just part of my ancestry. Being part Irish and part Native American...there were so many practices that I could not ignore which revolved around my love of natural spirituality. I knew that true spirituality didn't really involve the church. I got out my Abolone Shell and filled it with Lavender to help calm me and the baby. I put mandrake root at all entrances to the home for protection from evil visitors. I was nesting in more ways than a few. After cleansing the home, I proceeded to wash the walls of the apartment. It was almost time..I could feel Damian's body dropping down into my lower abdomen which is a signal that it would only be a matter of weeks before he would be here. That night, the moon was so big and bright. I sat outside on the back steps and watched it sitting there among the stars. I could feel something pushing me but it wasn't Damian. The hairs on my arm began to rise and the soles of my feet tingled. In my throat a giggle erupted but I struggled to hold it down...to drown it. I stood without warning and looked back up at the moon. The light of the lunar body intrigued me and pulled at me. My face tingled then and my gums began to hurt. I walked out onto the grass of the backyard and as my feet touched the grass, the tingled traveled upwards and exploded across my pubic area and up past my clitoris. I felt amazing and very excited. I don't remember exactly what happened and I do not know where Venum was but I remember taking two frozen hot dogs from the freezer and using them to pleasure myself. Then I fell asleep...I fell asleep knowing that the thing...the giddy, silly, mischevious thing was trying with all her might...to reclaim what she felt was hers.
Fall
1996
I started to hurt one day when Venum was at work. I felt a contracting dull pain radiating in my abdomen and so I called the doctor's office. The doctor said that I should wait a while to make sure that the contractions were real. I waited for several hours enduring the pain but it never went away. I called the doctor again and he told me to go to the Women's Hospital. When I got to the hospital, the examiner told me that I was having fake contractions called Braxton hicks contractions and that it was caused by my addiction to cola products. I was told that I couldn't drink sodas anymore until after the baby was born. That was the first time that I had a catherization done and it hurt so very badly. I have never had a small tube inserted into my urethra and it burned as if fire was being inserted into my body. The doctor also alerted me to the fact that I had a kidney infection from the drinking of too many colas. I went home dissapointed because I was ready for Damian to be born and this was just false hope for me.
1996
One night while Venum and I was sleeping, Damian wanted to stay up and play around in my womb. I felt him kicking and wiggling like he was fighting something in there. I lay in bed and giggled at Damian's fun. After a while I rolled over and wrapped my arms around Venum's back. All of a sudden Damian kicked in the womb and then Venum woke up. My husband turned to me and asked me why I was beating him in the back. I just laughed at the fact that Damian was kicking so hard that not only did i feel it, but his father could feel it as well....fight through my flesh and onto his father's back. This kid was going to be special and he certainly demanded attention. My dreams were sweet that night...I remember this to be so. In the morning as all mornings before, I awoke to the rattling of Venum's Western Diamond back. There were few days that I didn't enter that pet room and Firecracker not strike the plexi glass of his cage. I would gaze in curiosity at the venom that dripped down the glass.
1996
Fall
All hallows eve came quickly and I had all the candy put out in the bowls for the little trick or treaters. I was even wearing a long black dress for the occasion. I was huge, to say the least and the baby was due in 8 days. I was very excited but I was also excited to enjoy the Halloween holiday before Damian came. I put out the candy around 2 or so and started talking to Christie. Venum was working at Masterbuilt in New Albany which was a half hour away and he had our only vehicle, his Toyota. I had long since lost my car to another motor problem and I, being a blithering idiot had just neglected the car at a shop in Tupelo and later on, the owner felt the need to sell it for himself. But that was just a story that failed to get told...in spite of its seeming importance.
Christie had been here for a while and she didn't plan on leaving until sometime after the baby was born. Her job here was to help me so that her brother could take care of his own "business" which I assume she knew to be the sale of drugs. Christie had cooked a huge meal for us on Halloween and us two girls had settled down to watch some television for the night. We didn't say much to each other because there was always an undercurrent of animosity between us. So the sitcoms on televison kept us occupied and helped us to pretend that we wanted to be sociable.
And then something strange happened. I started to feel as if I need to use the bathroom badly...not to pee mind you, but to really and certainly use the bathroom in the most heavy duty way. I felt the pressure on my lower abdomen making me very uncomfortable and so I told Christie that I had to go to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and tried my hardest to do what I had to do...it was horrible. Despite the pressure....nothing happened and so I thought I should help and coax my business to be underway. I pushed and held onto the wall with one hand. (By the way, thanks for allowing me to give TMI here, and yes it is necessary for the story.) Suddenly something popped down below and I thought this was strange. Then a copias amont of fluid came gushing out from one orifice in my nether regions. I realized that the fluid had come from my vagina. I was sweating by then and so I got up to see what was happening. When I looked in the toilet there was a horrible amount of blood and so I panicked. I ran to the living room and told Christie what had happened. She stood up and looked at me crazy then she spoke.
"Sherrie, Your water just broke. I am sure of it." With this statement, she jumped on the phone and started to call her family.
I complained and told her that she needed to let me call the doctor and see what I should do. Christie told me that I should call an ambulance right away. I just called the doctor and she told me that I should just calm down because the baby was probably not coming any time soon. She said to go take a shower and clean myself up and just wait for other signs of birth. And so I did this.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
85
1996
At some point, Venum had his car in an shop in Corinth Ms. While we were visting his mother and waiting on his car to be finished, we met a man who sold Amway products. He talked to us so much that he convinced us to try to sell Amway. We were excited because the man and his family had done so very well with selling the products and were in the process of renovating their home. We worked with this man for a while and also visited his snakes that he kept in his automotive shop in town. I think that his another reason that Venum was drawn to him...because of their mutual love for snakes. I just wanted to be sucessful and if this would work, I wanted to try it as much as Venum. We worked with this idea for a couple months and even met some millionaires at a couple parties. There was a trip that Amway was hosting in Gatlinburg Tn and I made the trip with my aunt. At this point, I was about 7 months pregnant but I enjoyed the gettaway. Of course Venum did not go with us because he had to work. I tried to just enjoy everything without worrying about what was going on at home. Damian moved around so much inside my tummy that I would giggle out loud and people would look at me. I would just point at my belly and smile. They would smile back in understanding. At least when you are pregnant, people understand your silly quirks.
When I arrived home, the apartment was a mess and Venum came out the front door with a weird look on his face. I would not recognize this look until later when I learned that this is what it looks like when you are high on cocaine.
The man from Amway gradually disappeared and the prospect of making something of ourselves through the business faded as well. It was just a dream undone, it seemed. And so, things went on as they were.
Fall
1996
I did not know it but Venum had kept in contact with Margie all this time...even after she had left Chez place. She and her boyfriend along with several others were staying in downtown Tupelo and Venum was hanging out with them on a regular basis. I just couldn't keep up with them and I was trying to stay out of trouble as well.
In the living room, one day in the early fall, I found God. It is not as they all say it will be. There doesn't have to be a church service, a prayer or a loud singing choir. I was just reading some of my material from the clinic and I got this strange feeling inside. It wasn't the fluttering of Damian's tiny movements, it wasn't the dark thing either...it was a warm feeling of love. I just stopped what I was doing and I started to cry. At first I had no idea why I was crying...I just cried softly and my heart filled almost to overflowing with love....unconditional love for everything. I went to my knees and looked toward the window where a beautiful bright light filtered in through the blinds and I just waited...I had no idea what I waited for but I waited.
I felt the love and the acceptance of everything and when Venum came in that night, I was smiling and I was happy even though he was very late coming home.
I started to read the bible every day and I told the nurses at the clinic what had happened to me. They all seemed very happy with what had happened and so they sent me home with more paperwork and bible verses on what it meant to be saved. They said that I should find a church to go to and spend time worshipping and praising God.
1996
Fall
Christie started to come over and help me to clean...as if I needed her to. I never really found it in my heart to like Christie until now. The godliness caused me to be more accepting of her around me. She saw our problem with the pests and so she set out to try and get rid of them herself. We all decided that we should talk to Pam and Sam and see if they would poison at the same time that we did so that the pests could not seek refuge in the safety of either side of the duplex. They never really co operated with us and it was a losing battle. Sometimes at night I would wake up and feel them crawl on me and I would scream. The nights that Christie spent with us, she got up in the middle of the night and talked in tongues. I woke up to see what all the fuss was about and i heard her speaking in a forgeign language. I asked her what she was saying and she explained it to me.
"It is my language that I speak when I am talking with God. No one else can understand what we say to each other."
I was drawn to this and wanted to understand. "So, you was telling god to deal with these roaches, huh"
Christie laughed and replied. "I guess you can say that."
We returned to bed and continued to swat the pests from our bodies throughout the night. Strange thing is...they never seemed to bother Venum...he slept like a baby.
1996
We all went to Venum's mother's church service one Sunday when I was around 8 months pregnant.... well, all of us except Venum...who was again working on his little Toyota stick shift at the neighboring auto shop. I remember the service being very strange to me and much like my cousin's pentacostal service from when I was a pre teen. I couldn't remember much about talking in tongues and so it still enamored me. I watched so many members of my mother in laws church writhing upon the floor and falling backwards. But when Christie jumped from her chair and bent over in pain, I panicked. I reached for her but her mother said "no!" She told me not to interfer with the work of God. And so I watched Christie as she thrashed and spit, finally wobbling out of the room. I then heard her screaming and grunting and then throwing up. It was the most horrible sound that I had heard in a long time. She gagged and gagged until she was breathless. She never returned to the sanctuary. I sat there and held my pregnant belly and thought about my poor mother and what she would endure or must be enduring with her illness and I couldn't be there for her. I looked down at my belly and wondered if I would grow tumorous things inside like my mother had grown. Was it her other that had congealed and formed as a rock inside her when she refused to use the thing? I was terrified all of a suddden. That is when the female evangelist stopped speaking in tongues and looked out into the audience and called to me. I saw her look right at me and motion for me to come forward. My eyes grew large and I had no intentions of going up upon that stage. My mother in law spoke softly to me.
"Go....she is calling you up."
I looked at my mother in law and shook my head. She smiled and pushed at my shoulder and told me to go again. I didn't want to go but I got up anyway. I protectively held my tummy as I made my way between other worshippers fallen on the ground, leaning over chairs and holding their hands up to high heaven. I swallowed a large lump in my throat but I kept going. when I reached the lady, I looked up at her. What I saw was amazing. She had eyes like mine...not the color, mind you...but what was behind them. She was like me, my mother and maybe others as well. She held something within...something other than what she presented as herself. I was both in awe and frightened horribly...because I half expected to see the dark silly thing come out of her and words of strength and conquest erupt form her lips. And then she spoke to me.
"You should not be afraid. I know you are afraid and I know why you are afraid." She smiled and touched my belly.
I shook my head and smiled back because she was wrong. "No, I am not afraid for my child."
She laughed with her head tilted back and then shook her head. "No child, you are afraid that what your mother is dying from will be what you die from as well. Let me tell you, there is nothing inside you but your child. The thing you fear is gone...for now. And you should not worry about the thing that inhabits your mother as being contagious. Do not fear, my child...for I am with you."
The woman smiled and drew closer. "But what shall you do alone? You cannot do these things alone that you wish to do. You will need the help of the holy spirit. Let me pray for you."
And she did pray for me and she spoke for me. That beautiful language...that mysterious language she spoke as she kept her hand firmly planted on my pregnant belly. She spoke as her entire congregation crawled, ran and writhed about in that little house turned church. As the spirit filled that little house, Damian wiggled about as if he would burst forth from my womb at that very moment. I was like a worm in hot ashes and then I fainted.
At some point, Venum had his car in an shop in Corinth Ms. While we were visting his mother and waiting on his car to be finished, we met a man who sold Amway products. He talked to us so much that he convinced us to try to sell Amway. We were excited because the man and his family had done so very well with selling the products and were in the process of renovating their home. We worked with this man for a while and also visited his snakes that he kept in his automotive shop in town. I think that his another reason that Venum was drawn to him...because of their mutual love for snakes. I just wanted to be sucessful and if this would work, I wanted to try it as much as Venum. We worked with this idea for a couple months and even met some millionaires at a couple parties. There was a trip that Amway was hosting in Gatlinburg Tn and I made the trip with my aunt. At this point, I was about 7 months pregnant but I enjoyed the gettaway. Of course Venum did not go with us because he had to work. I tried to just enjoy everything without worrying about what was going on at home. Damian moved around so much inside my tummy that I would giggle out loud and people would look at me. I would just point at my belly and smile. They would smile back in understanding. At least when you are pregnant, people understand your silly quirks.
When I arrived home, the apartment was a mess and Venum came out the front door with a weird look on his face. I would not recognize this look until later when I learned that this is what it looks like when you are high on cocaine.
The man from Amway gradually disappeared and the prospect of making something of ourselves through the business faded as well. It was just a dream undone, it seemed. And so, things went on as they were.
Fall
1996
I did not know it but Venum had kept in contact with Margie all this time...even after she had left Chez place. She and her boyfriend along with several others were staying in downtown Tupelo and Venum was hanging out with them on a regular basis. I just couldn't keep up with them and I was trying to stay out of trouble as well.
In the living room, one day in the early fall, I found God. It is not as they all say it will be. There doesn't have to be a church service, a prayer or a loud singing choir. I was just reading some of my material from the clinic and I got this strange feeling inside. It wasn't the fluttering of Damian's tiny movements, it wasn't the dark thing either...it was a warm feeling of love. I just stopped what I was doing and I started to cry. At first I had no idea why I was crying...I just cried softly and my heart filled almost to overflowing with love....unconditional love for everything. I went to my knees and looked toward the window where a beautiful bright light filtered in through the blinds and I just waited...I had no idea what I waited for but I waited.
I felt the love and the acceptance of everything and when Venum came in that night, I was smiling and I was happy even though he was very late coming home.
I started to read the bible every day and I told the nurses at the clinic what had happened to me. They all seemed very happy with what had happened and so they sent me home with more paperwork and bible verses on what it meant to be saved. They said that I should find a church to go to and spend time worshipping and praising God.
1996
Fall
Christie started to come over and help me to clean...as if I needed her to. I never really found it in my heart to like Christie until now. The godliness caused me to be more accepting of her around me. She saw our problem with the pests and so she set out to try and get rid of them herself. We all decided that we should talk to Pam and Sam and see if they would poison at the same time that we did so that the pests could not seek refuge in the safety of either side of the duplex. They never really co operated with us and it was a losing battle. Sometimes at night I would wake up and feel them crawl on me and I would scream. The nights that Christie spent with us, she got up in the middle of the night and talked in tongues. I woke up to see what all the fuss was about and i heard her speaking in a forgeign language. I asked her what she was saying and she explained it to me.
"It is my language that I speak when I am talking with God. No one else can understand what we say to each other."
I was drawn to this and wanted to understand. "So, you was telling god to deal with these roaches, huh"
Christie laughed and replied. "I guess you can say that."
We returned to bed and continued to swat the pests from our bodies throughout the night. Strange thing is...they never seemed to bother Venum...he slept like a baby.
1996
We all went to Venum's mother's church service one Sunday when I was around 8 months pregnant.... well, all of us except Venum...who was again working on his little Toyota stick shift at the neighboring auto shop. I remember the service being very strange to me and much like my cousin's pentacostal service from when I was a pre teen. I couldn't remember much about talking in tongues and so it still enamored me. I watched so many members of my mother in laws church writhing upon the floor and falling backwards. But when Christie jumped from her chair and bent over in pain, I panicked. I reached for her but her mother said "no!" She told me not to interfer with the work of God. And so I watched Christie as she thrashed and spit, finally wobbling out of the room. I then heard her screaming and grunting and then throwing up. It was the most horrible sound that I had heard in a long time. She gagged and gagged until she was breathless. She never returned to the sanctuary. I sat there and held my pregnant belly and thought about my poor mother and what she would endure or must be enduring with her illness and I couldn't be there for her. I looked down at my belly and wondered if I would grow tumorous things inside like my mother had grown. Was it her other that had congealed and formed as a rock inside her when she refused to use the thing? I was terrified all of a suddden. That is when the female evangelist stopped speaking in tongues and looked out into the audience and called to me. I saw her look right at me and motion for me to come forward. My eyes grew large and I had no intentions of going up upon that stage. My mother in law spoke softly to me.
"Go....she is calling you up."
I looked at my mother in law and shook my head. She smiled and pushed at my shoulder and told me to go again. I didn't want to go but I got up anyway. I protectively held my tummy as I made my way between other worshippers fallen on the ground, leaning over chairs and holding their hands up to high heaven. I swallowed a large lump in my throat but I kept going. when I reached the lady, I looked up at her. What I saw was amazing. She had eyes like mine...not the color, mind you...but what was behind them. She was like me, my mother and maybe others as well. She held something within...something other than what she presented as herself. I was both in awe and frightened horribly...because I half expected to see the dark silly thing come out of her and words of strength and conquest erupt form her lips. And then she spoke to me.
"You should not be afraid. I know you are afraid and I know why you are afraid." She smiled and touched my belly.
I shook my head and smiled back because she was wrong. "No, I am not afraid for my child."
She laughed with her head tilted back and then shook her head. "No child, you are afraid that what your mother is dying from will be what you die from as well. Let me tell you, there is nothing inside you but your child. The thing you fear is gone...for now. And you should not worry about the thing that inhabits your mother as being contagious. Do not fear, my child...for I am with you."
The woman smiled and drew closer. "But what shall you do alone? You cannot do these things alone that you wish to do. You will need the help of the holy spirit. Let me pray for you."
And she did pray for me and she spoke for me. That beautiful language...that mysterious language she spoke as she kept her hand firmly planted on my pregnant belly. She spoke as her entire congregation crawled, ran and writhed about in that little house turned church. As the spirit filled that little house, Damian wiggled about as if he would burst forth from my womb at that very moment. I was like a worm in hot ashes and then I fainted.
84
Burleson's rentals
1996
Our neighbors were odd in my opinion. Sometimes when they smiled, they smiled as if they had a very dark secret. But who am I to judge, maybe we all had very dark secrets at this point. The female was blonde and the male had auburn hair and a mustache. They smiled a lot and seemed to be happy to have neighbors just a wall away. We asked them all sorts of questions about the neighborhood and they said it was quiet for the most part. They were friendly, but they didn't ask us over very often. They would just smile and go back inside...it reminded me of the Invader of the body snatchers. They had cute little names though- Pam and Sam...how flippin cute huh...
In our duplex there was a wrap around couch and a stove in the kitchen. Most other things we had to furnish for ourselves. There was, however, a bed in what was to be our bedroom and that was a relief. We made ourselves at home and I cooked my first meal there...I do not remember what it was but I know that it was home made. I was nesting which means I was cleaning and cooking all the time.
Summer
1996
Since my mother had cancer, they were planning to do chemotherapy. The doctors absolutely refused to do surgery on my mother because the large benign tumor was in the way of the other smaller cancerous ones. She started the treatments and started to feel really badly. Her food lost its taste and her muscles became weakened from the chemicals entering her body. I kept in touch with my mother by talking to my brother but never went home for a visit. I know that I was not welcome home anymore and my mother was so sick. I do know, however that I was very clingy with Venum around this time and wanted so much for us to become a normal family and so I focused most of my energy on this. It was just me and him, afterall. There was no dark thing inside anymore and I do not know where I actually sent her to...I just knew that she was gone. I think, in some way, I was in denial of mymother's illness as I was in denial of my father's disownment. I never really thought about losing my parents...never before and I didn't think about it then either. I just thought that all would be well someday...and that brings me to explain why my father disowned me. It was because of my love for a man of another color.
1996
One night in the summer
I remembered something from the past...something while living at Chez place. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and I first found out about mother's illness. I traveled home to see her one weekend while Venum was at his grandmother's house. I carried my large poetry book with me in case I wanted to record anything while visiting. On the second day taht i was there, I decided to take a walk into the woods behind my house as I used to do when I was younger. It was a nice walk and I noticed tears in my eyes from thinking of things in the past. I couldn't stay away long because I needed to spend time with my poor mother. She seemed pretty chipper that day but I just wanted to be with her.
When I returned to the house, my father was sitting in his recliner and he had a strange look on his face. The look frightened me...yes, as an adult my father still frightened me. I moved quietly through the living room on my way to the kitchen to see my mother. As I started to leave the room, he called my name. I turned and he was standing. He held my poetry book in his hand and his hand was quivering.
"I read your Satanic writings. I am appalled at the horrible things that you say and the horrible things that you have done, young lady." My father spoke and he had tears in his eyes. He shook all over.
It took me a minute to realize exactly what my father was talking about. I looked down at my poetry book and wondered what he was going to do with it. He chunked it in the floor and walked toward me.
"And...I know about your little white nigger. I know all about those white niggers!" my father's face turned red and he pushed me toward the door. He spoke again as he stopped pushing me. "you and that filthy book, there, are the reasons your mother is dying...I hope you know that! I saw those things in there...I saw what you said about your mother, about me....you hate us!"
My father picked up my poetry book and opened the front door. He chunked my book as hard as he could out of the front door. Then he turned my around by my shoulders and shoved me out the front door as well. I could hear my mother crying from behind him begging him not to hurt me. The he shoved me down the four steps that led off the porch. I tripped and fell. When I got myself back up I saw him holding my mother back from helping me. I picked up my poetry book and left. On the way home, I wept. I did nothing but weep because I felt like nothing I could do was right. My parents hated me, they hated my husband and they hated everything I stood for...my writings were satanic scribbles to them .....they did not see the voice of my soul as my freedom. They saw my writings as a way of my undoing and their undoing. They saw me as a monster who was writing things to cause my mother to die.
1996
I decided that I was going to breast feed when the baby came. I went to all my meetings at the Save a life clinic and I was learning so very much about motherhood. I started doing bible studies everyday. I had to complete questions after every section that I read. I had to read through verses and little stories that explained different scenarios about how to be a better person...a godly person. I fought these things for a very long time, after all I only did this to get free things for my baby. I had no interest in God any more than my atheist boyfriend. I would grudgingly do my assignments and then carry on with life. I would pick up breast pumps, diapers, formula and other things for the baby on each trip to the clinic and I would feel proud for this. I applied to Wic, which was food assistance for needy mothers. I arranged a place in our bedroom for the baby...a little corner for him to enjoy. Venum bought a bassinet for Damian's first bed and it was so adorable to me. I would sit and rub my tummy while looking at the bassinet. I would talk to Damian about everythign that I was thinking. I even purchased a walkman and would put large headphones against my belly so that Damian could listen to bands like Led Zepplin and artists such as Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. There were so many other types of music that I let him listen to as I sat and watched the beautiful weather. I remember when I first felt him move inside of me. That very moment, I was amazed as I had never been amazed before. I had never felt such a sensation...it was as if there were wings fluttering inside of me. For a moment, I had a horrible thought...I thought of the thing... the silly, dark thing...and I thought about those wings. Was she still here...somewhere...was she inside me? Did Damian see her? And worse yet, would she be part of him too? I shivered at the thought and then Venum walked in the door. So, I had to pretend again.
1996
Venum never stopped drinking. Venum never stopped smoking pot and worse yet, he never stopped selling it either. I would sit for hours alone at home while he was out doing things that I may never understand or know about. Most of the time, he didn't come home from work until late. I would cook for him every day when I was pregnant and sometimes the food would grow cold waiting for him. We were not at the duplex long either until we foudn out that we had a pest problem. One night when I cooked, I noticed that we had roaches. I didn't think it was a huge problem so I put out poison for them. But everything I tried did not work. So, I really couldn't leave out food for long. If VEnum was to be out too long, I had to just put everything away. When he came home, sometimes he didn't even eat. I learned over time that summer that he was selling drugs as much as he had done before. He stayed out late lots of times as he drank with friends. I stayed at home, cleaned and cooked and talked to Damian. I wanted things to be different but when I tried to talk to Venum he would grow angry and leave again. When he would leave out of anger, he wouldn't come back until very late into the night. Once he got so drunk that he ran his car off the road and walked home. He was so drunk that he really didn't care if he got his car back. I remember going with him to catch a ride to pick up his car. He didn't seem too concerned. To him, it was rather funny.
1996
I do not remember what the argument was really about but I know that it pertained to Venum's drinking. I tried to approach the subject and talk about how we should grow up for the baby's sake. I just remember that Venum grew so angry that he pushed me out of the bed and onto the floor because I wanted him to talk to me. I just sat there and cried, heartbroken, until I finally just went into the living room to be alone for a while. I think I slept on the couch that night.
1996
Our neighbors were odd in my opinion. Sometimes when they smiled, they smiled as if they had a very dark secret. But who am I to judge, maybe we all had very dark secrets at this point. The female was blonde and the male had auburn hair and a mustache. They smiled a lot and seemed to be happy to have neighbors just a wall away. We asked them all sorts of questions about the neighborhood and they said it was quiet for the most part. They were friendly, but they didn't ask us over very often. They would just smile and go back inside...it reminded me of the Invader of the body snatchers. They had cute little names though- Pam and Sam...how flippin cute huh...
In our duplex there was a wrap around couch and a stove in the kitchen. Most other things we had to furnish for ourselves. There was, however, a bed in what was to be our bedroom and that was a relief. We made ourselves at home and I cooked my first meal there...I do not remember what it was but I know that it was home made. I was nesting which means I was cleaning and cooking all the time.
Summer
1996
Since my mother had cancer, they were planning to do chemotherapy. The doctors absolutely refused to do surgery on my mother because the large benign tumor was in the way of the other smaller cancerous ones. She started the treatments and started to feel really badly. Her food lost its taste and her muscles became weakened from the chemicals entering her body. I kept in touch with my mother by talking to my brother but never went home for a visit. I know that I was not welcome home anymore and my mother was so sick. I do know, however that I was very clingy with Venum around this time and wanted so much for us to become a normal family and so I focused most of my energy on this. It was just me and him, afterall. There was no dark thing inside anymore and I do not know where I actually sent her to...I just knew that she was gone. I think, in some way, I was in denial of mymother's illness as I was in denial of my father's disownment. I never really thought about losing my parents...never before and I didn't think about it then either. I just thought that all would be well someday...and that brings me to explain why my father disowned me. It was because of my love for a man of another color.
1996
One night in the summer
I remembered something from the past...something while living at Chez place. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and I first found out about mother's illness. I traveled home to see her one weekend while Venum was at his grandmother's house. I carried my large poetry book with me in case I wanted to record anything while visiting. On the second day taht i was there, I decided to take a walk into the woods behind my house as I used to do when I was younger. It was a nice walk and I noticed tears in my eyes from thinking of things in the past. I couldn't stay away long because I needed to spend time with my poor mother. She seemed pretty chipper that day but I just wanted to be with her.
When I returned to the house, my father was sitting in his recliner and he had a strange look on his face. The look frightened me...yes, as an adult my father still frightened me. I moved quietly through the living room on my way to the kitchen to see my mother. As I started to leave the room, he called my name. I turned and he was standing. He held my poetry book in his hand and his hand was quivering.
"I read your Satanic writings. I am appalled at the horrible things that you say and the horrible things that you have done, young lady." My father spoke and he had tears in his eyes. He shook all over.
It took me a minute to realize exactly what my father was talking about. I looked down at my poetry book and wondered what he was going to do with it. He chunked it in the floor and walked toward me.
"And...I know about your little white nigger. I know all about those white niggers!" my father's face turned red and he pushed me toward the door. He spoke again as he stopped pushing me. "you and that filthy book, there, are the reasons your mother is dying...I hope you know that! I saw those things in there...I saw what you said about your mother, about me....you hate us!"
My father picked up my poetry book and opened the front door. He chunked my book as hard as he could out of the front door. Then he turned my around by my shoulders and shoved me out the front door as well. I could hear my mother crying from behind him begging him not to hurt me. The he shoved me down the four steps that led off the porch. I tripped and fell. When I got myself back up I saw him holding my mother back from helping me. I picked up my poetry book and left. On the way home, I wept. I did nothing but weep because I felt like nothing I could do was right. My parents hated me, they hated my husband and they hated everything I stood for...my writings were satanic scribbles to them .....they did not see the voice of my soul as my freedom. They saw my writings as a way of my undoing and their undoing. They saw me as a monster who was writing things to cause my mother to die.
1996
I decided that I was going to breast feed when the baby came. I went to all my meetings at the Save a life clinic and I was learning so very much about motherhood. I started doing bible studies everyday. I had to complete questions after every section that I read. I had to read through verses and little stories that explained different scenarios about how to be a better person...a godly person. I fought these things for a very long time, after all I only did this to get free things for my baby. I had no interest in God any more than my atheist boyfriend. I would grudgingly do my assignments and then carry on with life. I would pick up breast pumps, diapers, formula and other things for the baby on each trip to the clinic and I would feel proud for this. I applied to Wic, which was food assistance for needy mothers. I arranged a place in our bedroom for the baby...a little corner for him to enjoy. Venum bought a bassinet for Damian's first bed and it was so adorable to me. I would sit and rub my tummy while looking at the bassinet. I would talk to Damian about everythign that I was thinking. I even purchased a walkman and would put large headphones against my belly so that Damian could listen to bands like Led Zepplin and artists such as Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. There were so many other types of music that I let him listen to as I sat and watched the beautiful weather. I remember when I first felt him move inside of me. That very moment, I was amazed as I had never been amazed before. I had never felt such a sensation...it was as if there were wings fluttering inside of me. For a moment, I had a horrible thought...I thought of the thing... the silly, dark thing...and I thought about those wings. Was she still here...somewhere...was she inside me? Did Damian see her? And worse yet, would she be part of him too? I shivered at the thought and then Venum walked in the door. So, I had to pretend again.
1996
Venum never stopped drinking. Venum never stopped smoking pot and worse yet, he never stopped selling it either. I would sit for hours alone at home while he was out doing things that I may never understand or know about. Most of the time, he didn't come home from work until late. I would cook for him every day when I was pregnant and sometimes the food would grow cold waiting for him. We were not at the duplex long either until we foudn out that we had a pest problem. One night when I cooked, I noticed that we had roaches. I didn't think it was a huge problem so I put out poison for them. But everything I tried did not work. So, I really couldn't leave out food for long. If VEnum was to be out too long, I had to just put everything away. When he came home, sometimes he didn't even eat. I learned over time that summer that he was selling drugs as much as he had done before. He stayed out late lots of times as he drank with friends. I stayed at home, cleaned and cooked and talked to Damian. I wanted things to be different but when I tried to talk to Venum he would grow angry and leave again. When he would leave out of anger, he wouldn't come back until very late into the night. Once he got so drunk that he ran his car off the road and walked home. He was so drunk that he really didn't care if he got his car back. I remember going with him to catch a ride to pick up his car. He didn't seem too concerned. To him, it was rather funny.
1996
I do not remember what the argument was really about but I know that it pertained to Venum's drinking. I tried to approach the subject and talk about how we should grow up for the baby's sake. I just remember that Venum grew so angry that he pushed me out of the bed and onto the floor because I wanted him to talk to me. I just sat there and cried, heartbroken, until I finally just went into the living room to be alone for a while. I think I slept on the couch that night.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
83
1996
Spring
I felt you growing inside and I would smile. For the most part, I felt peace. I still hadn't found a job yet and so I went about my daily routine of cooking and talking to you while rubbing my tummy.
Venum would place his ear upon my belly and listen as Damian grew inside. We had picked the name from the movie Omen. Venum had gotten me to watch the movie so that I would know who the character "Damian" was. I thought the name was cool and so I agreed to the decision.
But without having a job myself, the living got very hard. Venum never stopped drinking and I was eating more...eating for two of course as the saying goes. I was still having to wake Venum up to get him to bed; sometimes even picking him up and dragging him into the bedroom because he was completely passed out from the drink. I was no longer drinking or smoking pot and so I was quite strict on others coming into the apartment as well. So, I dealt with his drunkenness for the most part. Besides, I was so enamored and in love with my new pregnancy. I was just filled with so much light and love that it was hard to bring me down.
It became very hard to pay the rent and so Venum and I started to wonder if we should move again.
1996
Spring
I was sleeping peacefully one morning when I heard the strangest sound coming from the living room. If you have ever heard an egg timer then you know exactly what the noise sounded like that I was hearing. I hear it buzzing and buzzing and so I went into the kitchen to see what Venum was cooking...cuz obviously he was cooking something by using the timer.
When I got to the kitchen it was louder and so I looked into the living room. I saw Venum carrying a large box and the sound was very loud. He smiled and looked up at me.
"Lookie what I got!"
He turned the box around and I looked inside. It was a very large rattlesnake. I gasped.
"This is our new pet, Sherrie. His name is Firecracker. He is a rattlesnake." Venum beamed as if he had just done the best thing in the world. He was so proud of what he had in his hands.
I was in so much shock that I grasped my pregnant belly as if to somehow protect the baby.
"No...NO....NO... you aren't keeping that thing!" I spoke sternly.
I spoke sternly all day though and guess what...he kept it. We would keep the snake for many many years to come. I learned that day that when it all was said and done. I had no authority. In reality I was just being there witnessing what Venum thought was best for us. I fought for a bit but he always won. Since I sent the thing inside me away, I was timid and bent easily to Venum's will.
Firecracker became a member of our growing snake family.
1996
June 27
Venum had gone through several jobs by this time. He worked for a plant that was experiencing extreme overtime. The money was good but it did not last. Venum got drunk on lunch break with a friend of his named Chris and then he ran the fork lift into a pole in the warehouse. He was instantly fired. Then he found a job in the neighboring town of New Albany. He began as a temporary worker at Masterbuilt. Things seemed to be looking up for us.
One night after Venum came home from work, we watched some porn and he then said he needed to tell me something. I had previously been bugging him about wanting to get married because I thought Damian should have his last name. I loved Venum and this was not the only reason that I wanted to get married. So, after watching the porn and repeatedly having wild sex, Venum proposed to me. I know all this seems so unconventional, but we were kids. We thought it was very appropriate to celebrate marriage thru porn.
On June 27th 1996, Venum and I drove to Selmer Tn and got married at the Justice of Peace. We were presented with a bag of hygeine products to start off our new life with. I remember that I was already 5 months pregnant and my wedding attire was a maternity skirt and white blouse. There are no pictures of our wedding and there were no witnesses.
On the way back to Chez place, the car ran hot. It was the first time, since my last motor overhaul that the car had an issue. After we arrived at the apartment, we decided for sure that we would have to find a cheaper place to live...we were married now and things would be different....or so we thought.
1996
Summer
I started to remember things from before my pregnancy. I am not sure why I did this...I would just sit and think for long periods of time about things that happened at Chez place. I don't know if I was just unforgiving about things or if it was just the hormones racing through my body. I remembered that I had broken my toe and work and was worried about getting fired for smoking pot. I remember that when they sent me to the doctor, I drank a whole bottle of vinegar and squirted a bottle visine into my urine. I also remember getting very drunk with Venum that weekend thinking that I might lose my job after the results of the drug test...but I didn't lose my job. I wondered if I should have stayed at work, since I passed the drug test and kept my job...seems I squandered my blessings. I then started to think of the time that I got so drunk that I wanted to fight everyone that came into the apartment. I remembered how I stood up to them and even started to shove some of them around. I knew that I had gotten tired of the whole bullshit coming and going of the pimps and whores around Chez place.
I sat on the couch at Chez place for the last time that day that I reminisced and I thought about all these things. I remembered so much from here in such a short period of time. It had been a year of memories. I remembered then of how the whole world seemed to be frozen just a couple months earlier...the Ice Storm of 96, mind you, not as severe as the Ice Storm of 94 ...but none the less, it was bad. I remember how the water froze while I was perming Venum's hair. When we got ready to wash out the chemicals, which by the way, burn horribly if not taken out soon enough, we had no water. We had to run all over the apartment complex to find a shower that worked. Venum suffered some burns but we made it.
As I gathered my last things....I remembered the kiss in the parking lot. I remember how Dexter stood and took that picture of me and Venum right outside that window to the north. I would miss Chez place but somehow I knew there was much more to come. I reached down and rubbed my belly and spoke.
"You are so special, Damian. I hope your memories are special."
1996
Burleson Trailer Park and Duplex
Our rent was cheaper here and it was a little bigger. Of course we decided to live in a Duplex of the property instead of the trailer park. I was complaining that the trailer park had a bad reputation and that the Duplex would be a little better. My aunt came down and helped us to get things settled.
I picked out a certain room as our bedroom and the second room was for the snakes. We now had lots of them and we also had three chinchillas. We chose to give the snakes the second bedroom instead of our coming child.
And so it was...We would have a go at it here and see where fate took us.
Spring
I felt you growing inside and I would smile. For the most part, I felt peace. I still hadn't found a job yet and so I went about my daily routine of cooking and talking to you while rubbing my tummy.
Venum would place his ear upon my belly and listen as Damian grew inside. We had picked the name from the movie Omen. Venum had gotten me to watch the movie so that I would know who the character "Damian" was. I thought the name was cool and so I agreed to the decision.
But without having a job myself, the living got very hard. Venum never stopped drinking and I was eating more...eating for two of course as the saying goes. I was still having to wake Venum up to get him to bed; sometimes even picking him up and dragging him into the bedroom because he was completely passed out from the drink. I was no longer drinking or smoking pot and so I was quite strict on others coming into the apartment as well. So, I dealt with his drunkenness for the most part. Besides, I was so enamored and in love with my new pregnancy. I was just filled with so much light and love that it was hard to bring me down.
It became very hard to pay the rent and so Venum and I started to wonder if we should move again.
1996
Spring
I was sleeping peacefully one morning when I heard the strangest sound coming from the living room. If you have ever heard an egg timer then you know exactly what the noise sounded like that I was hearing. I hear it buzzing and buzzing and so I went into the kitchen to see what Venum was cooking...cuz obviously he was cooking something by using the timer.
When I got to the kitchen it was louder and so I looked into the living room. I saw Venum carrying a large box and the sound was very loud. He smiled and looked up at me.
"Lookie what I got!"
He turned the box around and I looked inside. It was a very large rattlesnake. I gasped.
"This is our new pet, Sherrie. His name is Firecracker. He is a rattlesnake." Venum beamed as if he had just done the best thing in the world. He was so proud of what he had in his hands.
I was in so much shock that I grasped my pregnant belly as if to somehow protect the baby.
"No...NO....NO... you aren't keeping that thing!" I spoke sternly.
I spoke sternly all day though and guess what...he kept it. We would keep the snake for many many years to come. I learned that day that when it all was said and done. I had no authority. In reality I was just being there witnessing what Venum thought was best for us. I fought for a bit but he always won. Since I sent the thing inside me away, I was timid and bent easily to Venum's will.
Firecracker became a member of our growing snake family.
1996
June 27
Venum had gone through several jobs by this time. He worked for a plant that was experiencing extreme overtime. The money was good but it did not last. Venum got drunk on lunch break with a friend of his named Chris and then he ran the fork lift into a pole in the warehouse. He was instantly fired. Then he found a job in the neighboring town of New Albany. He began as a temporary worker at Masterbuilt. Things seemed to be looking up for us.
One night after Venum came home from work, we watched some porn and he then said he needed to tell me something. I had previously been bugging him about wanting to get married because I thought Damian should have his last name. I loved Venum and this was not the only reason that I wanted to get married. So, after watching the porn and repeatedly having wild sex, Venum proposed to me. I know all this seems so unconventional, but we were kids. We thought it was very appropriate to celebrate marriage thru porn.
On June 27th 1996, Venum and I drove to Selmer Tn and got married at the Justice of Peace. We were presented with a bag of hygeine products to start off our new life with. I remember that I was already 5 months pregnant and my wedding attire was a maternity skirt and white blouse. There are no pictures of our wedding and there were no witnesses.
On the way back to Chez place, the car ran hot. It was the first time, since my last motor overhaul that the car had an issue. After we arrived at the apartment, we decided for sure that we would have to find a cheaper place to live...we were married now and things would be different....or so we thought.
1996
Summer
I started to remember things from before my pregnancy. I am not sure why I did this...I would just sit and think for long periods of time about things that happened at Chez place. I don't know if I was just unforgiving about things or if it was just the hormones racing through my body. I remembered that I had broken my toe and work and was worried about getting fired for smoking pot. I remember that when they sent me to the doctor, I drank a whole bottle of vinegar and squirted a bottle visine into my urine. I also remember getting very drunk with Venum that weekend thinking that I might lose my job after the results of the drug test...but I didn't lose my job. I wondered if I should have stayed at work, since I passed the drug test and kept my job...seems I squandered my blessings. I then started to think of the time that I got so drunk that I wanted to fight everyone that came into the apartment. I remembered how I stood up to them and even started to shove some of them around. I knew that I had gotten tired of the whole bullshit coming and going of the pimps and whores around Chez place.
I sat on the couch at Chez place for the last time that day that I reminisced and I thought about all these things. I remembered so much from here in such a short period of time. It had been a year of memories. I remembered then of how the whole world seemed to be frozen just a couple months earlier...the Ice Storm of 96, mind you, not as severe as the Ice Storm of 94 ...but none the less, it was bad. I remember how the water froze while I was perming Venum's hair. When we got ready to wash out the chemicals, which by the way, burn horribly if not taken out soon enough, we had no water. We had to run all over the apartment complex to find a shower that worked. Venum suffered some burns but we made it.
As I gathered my last things....I remembered the kiss in the parking lot. I remember how Dexter stood and took that picture of me and Venum right outside that window to the north. I would miss Chez place but somehow I knew there was much more to come. I reached down and rubbed my belly and spoke.
"You are so special, Damian. I hope your memories are special."
1996
Burleson Trailer Park and Duplex
Our rent was cheaper here and it was a little bigger. Of course we decided to live in a Duplex of the property instead of the trailer park. I was complaining that the trailer park had a bad reputation and that the Duplex would be a little better. My aunt came down and helped us to get things settled.
I picked out a certain room as our bedroom and the second room was for the snakes. We now had lots of them and we also had three chinchillas. We chose to give the snakes the second bedroom instead of our coming child.
And so it was...We would have a go at it here and see where fate took us.
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