1995
fall
And so you have it..my mother was sick. But I went about life as if nothing was wrong with her. Eventually my bleeding stopped and the only recollection of my abortion, for a while, were the dreams I continued to have. Venum went about his life drinking and hanging out with his friends...and rendering chaos.
Chez Place became a community to us. In fact, Venum made a new acquaintence every day. One of the first people that we met was Margie. Margie lived next door to us as first, with her boyfriend Ted. She fast became friends with Venum but rarely talked to me all that much. I will admit, I had became a little withdrawn and didn't trust many people...but that was not all of the story. Every day that went by, Marg and Venum became closer. On several days I could hear her calling him from across the apartment complex in a sort of sing song voice. Jealousy reared its head and I turned further inward. Marg became friends with Doug, a trucker from the east side of the apartments and so Venum became acquainted with him as well. Then there was Tony who was a drunken idiot who lived with Doug...thus he joined the group. After two or three weeks; Lily, Alan and Paul moved in beside Doug and Tony. The group grew to larger proportions as the days went by. I watched on in the background..calculating and paying attention to details. Over the course of time, that fall...Venum spent more time with his friends than me. How did I deal? Did I attempt to know them, be there friends as well or to offer my hand in greeting...no, I did not. I started to feel enmity and my jealousy grew. Did I get angry? Maybe I silently grew angry and resentful....but mostly, I withdrew. When the feelings grew too strong, I argued with Venum. Was he sensitive to my feelings...NO, not at all. When it was convenient for me, I would be nice to them but when it was not, I started to write.....journal my feelings and put them away for later. I saw things that didn't seem right with Margie and Venum but I could not prove they were having sex. I even watched them kiss on the mouth on several occasions and he would tell me that they were just friends.
1995
Venum couldn't stay out of jail, for the most part. I think the first offense was driving with no license. Then it was a trip to jail for public drunk. I don't think he had a license for most of the time that we were together. He didn't seem to care either. He saw his trips to jail as being a riot...hilarious. When I would have to bail him out, he would laugh and laugh while I would fume in anger.
Most days he was drunk and not sober. His friends at the apartment stayed drunk as much as he did. I would join them when I just didn't want to face the dark alone. I found Margie to be highly irritating and only dealt with her if I had to. She seemed a few short of a whole deck in my opinion but she was giving when she felt the urge. I remember when Dexter and his brother came to live across the plaza from us. I liked Dexter but only as a friend. He seemed to be quiet and many times removed himself from the drama at the apartments. Although I thought Dexter was cool, I never spent time with him alone. I was hard on myself at times and insisted that I be faithful to Venum...even to the point of being alone when I had to be. I know it seemed a little much, but I wanted to love him and only him. I knew that my heart belonged to Venum and I guess that is why I was so hard on the things he did. I thought that he felt the same way for me but I guess he was just growing up as I was.
That thing inside would laugh and laugh at me sometimes for my timid ways. She thought I was ridiculous and did not see why I was so reserved about Venum's friends. She would push and then she would tug until I was in a corner crying. She hated to be ignored. I just didn't know what to feel at that time.
1995
Venum dropped me off at work one night when he didn't have to come in until later. After hours of working at one of my machines, I grew nervous. Venum had never shown up at work. He had dropped me off and drove off in my car to who knows where...and I had no idea where he was.
ONe of Venum's best friends was Bobby. I had to go to Bobby and find out if he had heard from Venum and of course he hadn't and so we both started to make phone calls when the superviser wasn't looking. We found Venum in jail in Tupelo for possession of cocaine. I was devastated. I never really thought that Venum was that deep in the usage of cocaine. I found out what I needed to know in order to get him out of jail and then continued to work on into the night. The janitor, who had been acquaintances with us for the time that we worked at Bio Clinic, had a talk with me about not putting up with Venum's shit. I half way listened but mostly kept thinking about just wanting to get Venum out of jail. After all I loved him with all my heart.
That night after work and after finding out that they were not going to let Venum out of jail for several days, I decided to go home with a co worker of mine, Ginger. Ginger was very good to me and so I tried to enjoy her company. While I was with her for a couple days, I went to speak with the police cheif about trying to get Venum out of jail. He informed me that my car was impounded under his charge of possession and normally, I would not have been able to get my car back. I pleaded with him and he offered to go easy on me because it was my car and not Venum's possession. He quoted a price and so I had to get up the money for both the car and for Venum's bail. I was so angry at him for what he was putting me through but none the less, I made plans to get him out of jail as soon as possible. Of course, like before, I called my aunt to help me.
I lectured Venum about what he was putting me through but he kind of shrugged it off and kissed on me...hoping to mend what he had done. He used his sweetest voice at first but when it wasn't working as he thought it should, he began to be an ass, cussing and telling me that I was being over dramatic. Then, after setting me straight, he told me to go to the beer store so he could get something to drink. He told me that he lied to the cops and told them that the rocks in the door jam was just wax from some of my candles. They couldn't have believed him but for some reason, according to Venum, they threw out the case. I never knew why this happened.
The next day at work, the plant manager made up a reason why Venum couldn't work there anymore. We all knew it was because of his cocaine charge but the Corporation would not admit to it. Apparently, Bobby, Venum's 'best friend', ratted him out to get a higher position with the company. I hated Bobby for what he done to Venum but it seems that Venum just said 'whatever'. I was taking these things upon myself to be angry. I hated Bobby, I hated the plant manager..I hated Corporate...I just hated and grew bitter. I got so angry about the whole thing that the plant manager sent me home to cool off. On the way home...driving Venum away from his last day at work....Venum mentioned how nice it would be to go to a pet store to look around. It was as if he didn't care whether he just got fired or not. And so we went.
While we were there, we met a strange snake. His name was Hissy. Hissy was a very mean tempered snake that loved to bite ...bite continuously. Me and Venum both let Hissy continuously bite us as we laughed about how mean but yet how beautiful he was. We bought Hissy and took him home with us.
1995
I started selling pills first and with Venum's trainging, I started to sell weed on occasion. I didn't sell on many occasions and it was mostly just joints...but I did sell drugs. It was the pills that I really made the money from. I had saved all my pain pills from years before and from my abortion. I beleive that I was getting 10-20 dollars a pill for some of the stronger ones and about 5 bucks a joint. I noticed that some of my actions were starting to mimick Venum's. I started having an attitude when I would talk to the older guys and I felt the thing inside come to the surface and drive the car that I called....me. I let her have the wheel and I got to know Venum's friends better.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
77
Fall
1995
The dreams began shortly after the abortion. They were short things at first, filled with black and white scenarios coming straight off a projector reel. I watched before me, the school yard from my high school. I saw dead leaves blow across the campus and pool in corners of the brick outside various buildings. I was walking around the campus watching empty cars and empty classrooms fill with dust.
Then my dreams changed slightly and only slightly. I saw a man whom I did not know and his name was David. Do not ask my why I knew his name for I know not the reason. He was young and built very fine with tanned brown skin. His hair was dark and shoulder length and his smile was chilling. I knew him, I knew him in my heart as something other than human. When I searched my memory, I had nothing.
I walked past him in a nervous gait hoping that he did not notice me..maybe I really wasn't a part of the dream and I was be invisible in his firmament. As I walked past him I could smell his whole being as if he was alerting me of his presence. His head turned slightly as I walked past and he laughed. I made a tour of the school yard, making my way past the Agriculture Building, the English room and past the Science lab...that is when I saw her...a small girl with dark hair and pale skin. She was beautiful and still, standing straight and serene. Her visage made me stand still in my tracks. She just stood in front of the Cafeteria and stared at me with big black eyes. I smiled but she did not smile back and so I walked toward her. As I got almost upon her, she started to panick.
"Help me...he is coming." She stared at me in fear, her little black eyes crinkled up and her mouth opened slightly. "help me please, he is almost here."
I stood still in question-head tilted to the side. I know that I tilted my head because it is a slightly annoying habit of mine. I squatted down and reached for her. She furrowed her brow and drew back in fear. She did not want me to touch her.
"Please, he is coming...now!" she leaned forward a little then released herself to trust me. "Let's go...let's leave."
I took her in my arms...he little black curls cascaded down her back and onto her maroon corduroy dress. Her white lacey sleeves were covered in some crimson stains that I felt I recognized and they suddenly made me feel sick. I looked down and the lace from beneathe her corduroy was speckled with red as well. She had no shoes and her feet were covered in the crimson blood-like stains. She trembled and I pulled her back to face me.
"Who is he... who is coming?"
She looked at me and her lips quivered. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. "He is a bad man, a devil..ma'am."
"But who is he?"
She paled suddenly and whispered. "He is death."
I woke screaming and pulling at Venum trying desperately to wake him. When he asked me what was wrong, I just told him that I had been dreaming and had a nightmare. I turned toward the wall and wept because I knew she was right and I knew something else. She was my child.
Fall
1995
The dreams changed from then on but they were none-the-less disturbing. Each night, I held a baby in my arms and then I would drop it. As I dropped the infant, it would disappear into the thin air. I searched forever in my dream and never found the baby. Every time I dreamt of the child I would wake in a chill. I had no idea that she would never leave me and she never did.
Fall
1995
Venum and I were cleaning the apartment one day and my brother called. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something really important. He said that he would be coming to visit later in the day. I could tell by his voice that he was concerned about something but I didn't know what it was. I was already rattled pretty badly by the dreams and I had not stopped bleeding like the doctor said I would. Every now and then I would cramp and the thing inside would speak.
"Stand still, chin up...be strong." I would sit straighter in my chair and inhale sharply. Venum would laugh and ask me what I was doing. I would say nothing and tell him that I was fine , just tired.
My brother arrived that afternoon and sat down on the couch. He made a little small talk and then he looked directly at me. My brother had a thing about him where he could not keep eye contact for long. I have the same thing at times as well. We are able to see things in others eyes and sometimes the things we see frighten us or make us wary that if we can do this than maybe they can as well...with this being said...we did not want others to know what dwelt in our souls. Even to each other, we were wary. My brother made eye contact with me and he spoke.
"I have something I have to tell you." He paused then he continued. "You mother went to the doctor the other day and they found a mass inside her abdomen."
I tried to understand what I was hearing but my ears started to buzz. I put my hand on my abdomen and rubbed gently. "What?"
My brother repeated himself and added detail. "Your mother went to the doctor because her feet were swelling badly and she could barely walk. YOu know how she has always had a large abdomen and...." he laughed nervously. "remember how when we went on vacation and that couple was too loud...they were discussing how large our pregnant mother was. Do you remember she cried because she wasn't pregnant..."
I remembered exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. I continued to rub my stomach. " I remember...they thought it was odd that she was hiking with us seeing as she was "so far along".
My brother nodded. "Sherrie, they found a tumor as big as a baby's head in just floating in her abdomen...there are three others too. One is attached to the main artery of her heart, the other two- her liver and one kidney." My brother looked down at his hands and bit his lip. "They are sending her to Memphis for a Biopsy.
I just sat there and rubbed my stomach. The cramps worsened but I said nothing of it.
1995
The dreams began shortly after the abortion. They were short things at first, filled with black and white scenarios coming straight off a projector reel. I watched before me, the school yard from my high school. I saw dead leaves blow across the campus and pool in corners of the brick outside various buildings. I was walking around the campus watching empty cars and empty classrooms fill with dust.
Then my dreams changed slightly and only slightly. I saw a man whom I did not know and his name was David. Do not ask my why I knew his name for I know not the reason. He was young and built very fine with tanned brown skin. His hair was dark and shoulder length and his smile was chilling. I knew him, I knew him in my heart as something other than human. When I searched my memory, I had nothing.
I walked past him in a nervous gait hoping that he did not notice me..maybe I really wasn't a part of the dream and I was be invisible in his firmament. As I walked past him I could smell his whole being as if he was alerting me of his presence. His head turned slightly as I walked past and he laughed. I made a tour of the school yard, making my way past the Agriculture Building, the English room and past the Science lab...that is when I saw her...a small girl with dark hair and pale skin. She was beautiful and still, standing straight and serene. Her visage made me stand still in my tracks. She just stood in front of the Cafeteria and stared at me with big black eyes. I smiled but she did not smile back and so I walked toward her. As I got almost upon her, she started to panick.
"Help me...he is coming." She stared at me in fear, her little black eyes crinkled up and her mouth opened slightly. "help me please, he is almost here."
I stood still in question-head tilted to the side. I know that I tilted my head because it is a slightly annoying habit of mine. I squatted down and reached for her. She furrowed her brow and drew back in fear. She did not want me to touch her.
"Please, he is coming...now!" she leaned forward a little then released herself to trust me. "Let's go...let's leave."
I took her in my arms...he little black curls cascaded down her back and onto her maroon corduroy dress. Her white lacey sleeves were covered in some crimson stains that I felt I recognized and they suddenly made me feel sick. I looked down and the lace from beneathe her corduroy was speckled with red as well. She had no shoes and her feet were covered in the crimson blood-like stains. She trembled and I pulled her back to face me.
"Who is he... who is coming?"
She looked at me and her lips quivered. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. "He is a bad man, a devil..ma'am."
"But who is he?"
She paled suddenly and whispered. "He is death."
I woke screaming and pulling at Venum trying desperately to wake him. When he asked me what was wrong, I just told him that I had been dreaming and had a nightmare. I turned toward the wall and wept because I knew she was right and I knew something else. She was my child.
Fall
1995
The dreams changed from then on but they were none-the-less disturbing. Each night, I held a baby in my arms and then I would drop it. As I dropped the infant, it would disappear into the thin air. I searched forever in my dream and never found the baby. Every time I dreamt of the child I would wake in a chill. I had no idea that she would never leave me and she never did.
Fall
1995
Venum and I were cleaning the apartment one day and my brother called. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something really important. He said that he would be coming to visit later in the day. I could tell by his voice that he was concerned about something but I didn't know what it was. I was already rattled pretty badly by the dreams and I had not stopped bleeding like the doctor said I would. Every now and then I would cramp and the thing inside would speak.
"Stand still, chin up...be strong." I would sit straighter in my chair and inhale sharply. Venum would laugh and ask me what I was doing. I would say nothing and tell him that I was fine , just tired.
My brother arrived that afternoon and sat down on the couch. He made a little small talk and then he looked directly at me. My brother had a thing about him where he could not keep eye contact for long. I have the same thing at times as well. We are able to see things in others eyes and sometimes the things we see frighten us or make us wary that if we can do this than maybe they can as well...with this being said...we did not want others to know what dwelt in our souls. Even to each other, we were wary. My brother made eye contact with me and he spoke.
"I have something I have to tell you." He paused then he continued. "You mother went to the doctor the other day and they found a mass inside her abdomen."
I tried to understand what I was hearing but my ears started to buzz. I put my hand on my abdomen and rubbed gently. "What?"
My brother repeated himself and added detail. "Your mother went to the doctor because her feet were swelling badly and she could barely walk. YOu know how she has always had a large abdomen and...." he laughed nervously. "remember how when we went on vacation and that couple was too loud...they were discussing how large our pregnant mother was. Do you remember she cried because she wasn't pregnant..."
I remembered exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. I continued to rub my stomach. " I remember...they thought it was odd that she was hiking with us seeing as she was "so far along".
My brother nodded. "Sherrie, they found a tumor as big as a baby's head in just floating in her abdomen...there are three others too. One is attached to the main artery of her heart, the other two- her liver and one kidney." My brother looked down at his hands and bit his lip. "They are sending her to Memphis for a Biopsy.
I just sat there and rubbed my stomach. The cramps worsened but I said nothing of it.
Yes...there is a thing within. It grows impatient, it grows listless and it grows....more and more each day. It does not share its host with alien life forms.
I see it, sitting in the darkness with gossamyr wings. It licks its claws and then smiles at me. I see the crimson on its lips and I know it will not be sated for long. I turn around in the darkenss and notice that there are twinkling shiney things drifting down from the heavens...dark heavens filled with stars. I think for a moment that maybe the sky has fallen and the stars are coming down to greet me. I turn toward the creature which is me and she smiles. I notice that she is surrounded by the twinkling and shining things...like a dust... a shimmering beautiful dust. She speaks to me and it sounds like tinkling bells chiming in the distance; but I cannot understand what she says.
She stands, languidly strolling toward me as her wings flutter behind her. I see her lips purse and she says..."shhh"
One finger reaches up and brushes my cheek lovingly and then she leans in to kiss me. Her mouth is very near my ear and so she speaks again.
"Do not deny me...and I shall not deny you."
She backs away and disappears. I am in darkness again.
I begin to scratch my arms. I do not stop until I feel the blood trickle down onto my feet
I see it, sitting in the darkness with gossamyr wings. It licks its claws and then smiles at me. I see the crimson on its lips and I know it will not be sated for long. I turn around in the darkenss and notice that there are twinkling shiney things drifting down from the heavens...dark heavens filled with stars. I think for a moment that maybe the sky has fallen and the stars are coming down to greet me. I turn toward the creature which is me and she smiles. I notice that she is surrounded by the twinkling and shining things...like a dust... a shimmering beautiful dust. She speaks to me and it sounds like tinkling bells chiming in the distance; but I cannot understand what she says.
She stands, languidly strolling toward me as her wings flutter behind her. I see her lips purse and she says..."shhh"
One finger reaches up and brushes my cheek lovingly and then she leans in to kiss me. Her mouth is very near my ear and so she speaks again.
"Do not deny me...and I shall not deny you."
She backs away and disappears. I am in darkness again.
I begin to scratch my arms. I do not stop until I feel the blood trickle down onto my feet
Saturday, March 30, 2013
76
And so this thing was in motion. I didn't really know how I would do it but I was going to do it. I was going to remove the thing that was inside me.
At this time in life, I do not believe that I knew a God. I had known him fleetingly in the past but not now. When people at work would ask who wakes me up in the morning, I would tell them that it was my alarm clock. I thought they were hilarious and they gave me looks of pity. I hated their questions because it reminded me of high school. It seemed that you just couldn't get away from the high school mentality.
I started calling clinics in the area to get a quote of what my abortion would cost. The cheapest price that I hapt upon was around $350 and so I made plans to get up the money for the procedure.
Meanwhile, I grew sicker and sicker with morning sickness. I told no one but Venum about the things that I was going through...well, not until I found out Shirazz was still living in Memphis and I needed her to help me find a clinic. After a week or so, I found a clinic and made my appointment to get the procedure done.
One night at work, I got so sick that I had to leave. I went to the Boonevill hospital and told the doctor that I needed something for sickness. He made me go through an examination to prove my pregnancy. After the examination was over her offered me some prenatal viatmins. I told him that I didn't need the vitamins because I was going to terminate the pregnancy. He tried to get me to reconsider killing the baby and that many couples would be glad to adopt the child. I told him to mind his own business, jerked the perscription out of his hand and left the hospital. When I got in the car, I cried again but I knew I couldn't change my mind...I was alone in what I was feeling
1995
The day came for the procedure and so me and Venum traveled to Memphis to meet with Shirazz. She said she would go with us the next morning to the clinic. All I wanted to do was sleep until it was all over. I just wanted to be done with it and to have my body back the way it was. We arrived at her apartment on Highland and I curled up in a ball underneath a blanket on her floor. She apparently had no extra beds for us to sleep in. Over the course of that night, I kept waking up and peering from underneathe my blanket. Each time, I saw Venum and Shirazz talking away and laughing about something. I begged Venum to lay down with me but he preferred to stay up and talk to my friend. I felt so alone and I didn't understand why he wouldn't comfort me.
Morning of the occurance
We arrived at the clinic sometime around 9...it was located somewhere in Midtown but I just cannot remember exactly where it was. Venum and Shirazz decided to stay in the car while I was in the clinic and so I went in alone. I checked in and found a seat between two other women who were discussing how easy the procedure was. Apparently, this was not the first time that they had had an abortion. I was terrified and growing sick to my stomach. They didn't pay that much attention to me at first and so I watched the televison in the corner of the room. Every now and then I heard someone scream and yelp in pain.
The first room
The first room was the education room. That is what I call it because that is what it was. A nurse came in to talk to a small group of girls at a time. She wanted us to see what the baby looked like at any given term of life. The more she talked, the sicker I got. She explained that most of us were only a couple weeks pregnant and how the pain would be different according to how far along we were.
The second room
The second room was a room in the attic of the small house. Most abortion clinics in the 90s were located in a house which had been transformed for the medical procedures. In the attic, I shared my story with other girls. One woman was here for her third abortion. She talked lightly and even laughed at times about how many living children she had and how many babies she had killed. To her, she was not killing babies at all, she was mearly removing a parasite. That was her words at least. Some of the other girls cringed at her words...me included. But nothing I heard could deter me from my destination and what I had come here for. I wanted to be free but I don't even think I knew the definition of the word.
The third room
Here, we waited and here we could hear them..the ones before us...crying and moaning in pain and disgust. I could also hear a doctor telling the women to be quiet and take the pain that they asked for. I was appalled...but I still didn't leave.
The changing room
In here, I removed all my clothes and prepared for examination
The Killing room
I arrived at my destination and lay upon the table. My feet were strapped into stirrups and two other people entered the room...women...all women. I was examined first off to see how far along I was. I was around 6 weeks pregnant. They didn't speak very much, they just alerted me to the fact that it would hurt and there would be no anestesia. They said that this was my decision and that I should take the pain like an adult. Two nurses held down my arms and the one between my legs reached in and pricked me somewhere inide my vagina. I felt a slight tug and pain. Then I saw this horrific machine being pulled toward me and in between my legs. The thing looked like a vaccuum cleaner. I saw the doctor place the hose within my vagina and flick a switch. At first, I felt pressure and then the pain came.
I felt it...ripe and hot and horrible. The pain tugged and cramped my abdomen in knots. I contorted with the pain and growled. I felt like someone was ripping my whole lower body from my upper body. I cramped again and again and I looked up at the nurse to my right whom wa holding my arm down. I pleaded and begged for her to stop hurting me. She had no expression in her face but she spoke.
"You wanted this...so you be quiet and take the pain." She twisted and shoved me back down.
The pain pulled harder and wrenched me up off the table. The nurse to my left dropped my arm and shoved my abdomen back down.
I heard the doctor speak.
"Almost done...just about got it all." She turned up the dial and the machine continued to suck the new life from my body. I screamed again and dropped down onto the table in a pool of sweat. I felt a sharp object enter my vagina and move around. It stung and i bit my lower lip.
The nurses let go of my arms and I lay there in shock. I was so cold.
"I will clean you up and then you can go in the other room and lie down."
The recovery room
I lay there for an unknown time with a huge pad between my legs. I was told that I would probably bleed for three weeks and that I needed to get on birth control as soon as possible.
I was offered the Depo Provera and I took it.
Going home
I was such a sick bastard...guess what I did when I left the clinic and Venum took Shirazz home...I went shopping for a new dress to celebrate my new body.
and the death of my child.
At this time in life, I do not believe that I knew a God. I had known him fleetingly in the past but not now. When people at work would ask who wakes me up in the morning, I would tell them that it was my alarm clock. I thought they were hilarious and they gave me looks of pity. I hated their questions because it reminded me of high school. It seemed that you just couldn't get away from the high school mentality.
I started calling clinics in the area to get a quote of what my abortion would cost. The cheapest price that I hapt upon was around $350 and so I made plans to get up the money for the procedure.
Meanwhile, I grew sicker and sicker with morning sickness. I told no one but Venum about the things that I was going through...well, not until I found out Shirazz was still living in Memphis and I needed her to help me find a clinic. After a week or so, I found a clinic and made my appointment to get the procedure done.
One night at work, I got so sick that I had to leave. I went to the Boonevill hospital and told the doctor that I needed something for sickness. He made me go through an examination to prove my pregnancy. After the examination was over her offered me some prenatal viatmins. I told him that I didn't need the vitamins because I was going to terminate the pregnancy. He tried to get me to reconsider killing the baby and that many couples would be glad to adopt the child. I told him to mind his own business, jerked the perscription out of his hand and left the hospital. When I got in the car, I cried again but I knew I couldn't change my mind...I was alone in what I was feeling
1995
The day came for the procedure and so me and Venum traveled to Memphis to meet with Shirazz. She said she would go with us the next morning to the clinic. All I wanted to do was sleep until it was all over. I just wanted to be done with it and to have my body back the way it was. We arrived at her apartment on Highland and I curled up in a ball underneath a blanket on her floor. She apparently had no extra beds for us to sleep in. Over the course of that night, I kept waking up and peering from underneathe my blanket. Each time, I saw Venum and Shirazz talking away and laughing about something. I begged Venum to lay down with me but he preferred to stay up and talk to my friend. I felt so alone and I didn't understand why he wouldn't comfort me.
Morning of the occurance
We arrived at the clinic sometime around 9...it was located somewhere in Midtown but I just cannot remember exactly where it was. Venum and Shirazz decided to stay in the car while I was in the clinic and so I went in alone. I checked in and found a seat between two other women who were discussing how easy the procedure was. Apparently, this was not the first time that they had had an abortion. I was terrified and growing sick to my stomach. They didn't pay that much attention to me at first and so I watched the televison in the corner of the room. Every now and then I heard someone scream and yelp in pain.
The first room
The first room was the education room. That is what I call it because that is what it was. A nurse came in to talk to a small group of girls at a time. She wanted us to see what the baby looked like at any given term of life. The more she talked, the sicker I got. She explained that most of us were only a couple weeks pregnant and how the pain would be different according to how far along we were.
The second room
The second room was a room in the attic of the small house. Most abortion clinics in the 90s were located in a house which had been transformed for the medical procedures. In the attic, I shared my story with other girls. One woman was here for her third abortion. She talked lightly and even laughed at times about how many living children she had and how many babies she had killed. To her, she was not killing babies at all, she was mearly removing a parasite. That was her words at least. Some of the other girls cringed at her words...me included. But nothing I heard could deter me from my destination and what I had come here for. I wanted to be free but I don't even think I knew the definition of the word.
The third room
Here, we waited and here we could hear them..the ones before us...crying and moaning in pain and disgust. I could also hear a doctor telling the women to be quiet and take the pain that they asked for. I was appalled...but I still didn't leave.
The changing room
In here, I removed all my clothes and prepared for examination
The Killing room
I arrived at my destination and lay upon the table. My feet were strapped into stirrups and two other people entered the room...women...all women. I was examined first off to see how far along I was. I was around 6 weeks pregnant. They didn't speak very much, they just alerted me to the fact that it would hurt and there would be no anestesia. They said that this was my decision and that I should take the pain like an adult. Two nurses held down my arms and the one between my legs reached in and pricked me somewhere inide my vagina. I felt a slight tug and pain. Then I saw this horrific machine being pulled toward me and in between my legs. The thing looked like a vaccuum cleaner. I saw the doctor place the hose within my vagina and flick a switch. At first, I felt pressure and then the pain came.
I felt it...ripe and hot and horrible. The pain tugged and cramped my abdomen in knots. I contorted with the pain and growled. I felt like someone was ripping my whole lower body from my upper body. I cramped again and again and I looked up at the nurse to my right whom wa holding my arm down. I pleaded and begged for her to stop hurting me. She had no expression in her face but she spoke.
"You wanted this...so you be quiet and take the pain." She twisted and shoved me back down.
The pain pulled harder and wrenched me up off the table. The nurse to my left dropped my arm and shoved my abdomen back down.
I heard the doctor speak.
"Almost done...just about got it all." She turned up the dial and the machine continued to suck the new life from my body. I screamed again and dropped down onto the table in a pool of sweat. I felt a sharp object enter my vagina and move around. It stung and i bit my lower lip.
The nurses let go of my arms and I lay there in shock. I was so cold.
"I will clean you up and then you can go in the other room and lie down."
The recovery room
I lay there for an unknown time with a huge pad between my legs. I was told that I would probably bleed for three weeks and that I needed to get on birth control as soon as possible.
I was offered the Depo Provera and I took it.
Going home
I was such a sick bastard...guess what I did when I left the clinic and Venum took Shirazz home...I went shopping for a new dress to celebrate my new body.
and the death of my child.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I knew you were there...inside me. I could visualize you as you were curled up inside. I even kept a journal and I drew a picture of you there. I wrote poetry all around your embryonic body and I put my hand on my tummy.
I have that journal somewhere...somewhere at your father's house...in the attic. I even talked to you a couple times before I found out that you was really real.
Then...when there was no room for doubt, when everything was lain upon the table and tears were shed....I made my plans to murder you.
I have that journal somewhere...somewhere at your father's house...in the attic. I even talked to you a couple times before I found out that you was really real.
Then...when there was no room for doubt, when everything was lain upon the table and tears were shed....I made my plans to murder you.
75
1995
I was pathetic at times and I knew it. I had trouble finding the balance between pitching a fit and giving in. It is really harder than you think to make the right decisions in this case. Life in Tupelo was no easier than life in Booneville. It was just the same old shit, same old people...just a different town...oh, and did i mention....the same old job as well.
I was just a temporary employee as I stated before. Venum had just got hired on full time around 1995 because he had been there for a year before I came along. It seemed that a year was the magic time limit of being a temp at Bio Clinic. Around the beginning of the year of 1995, the company closed down one of its facilities and moved us across the street to the other. I had to learn to get along with new employees and new situations. I was never really the best for change.
I met some very interesting people who never ceased to drive me nuts...people who still thought we were all in high school. That in itself should make a long story short. I was now working really close to Aaliyah's mother every night and telling her that I had no money for diapers. Meanwhile, Venum would avoid her at every turn. Many times, I told him that I was wrong about how I acted before when I would complain about his child and that he should deal with her himself, he should give her money. But that was his situation and I had problems of my own.
Like I said...I was pathetic at times and did not know how to deal with situations. I was not the best "people person" by far. But I did have a heart and sometimes the decisions that I made, I regretted later on...not that i could take back my words. Sometimes that thing inside just spoke exactly how it felt...and it could be very cruel.
Christie
I knew it would happen eventually. There was always this thing I would say about Christie. We could only be civil for the first hour that we were together, then all hell usually broke loose. Sometimes it was quiet hatred and sometimes it was arguing about something stupid...mainly her brother. We had vastly different opinions on how a relationship was supposed to be and so we usually butted heads about it.
I, for one, knew something odd was going on with Venum. So many times, he would insist on having his conversations with people away from me. I knew there were secrets and it drove me crazy. When we would go places, he would always tell me to wait in the car. When people would come to the apartment, they would honk their horn and he would go outside. More times than not, they would never come inside. My curiosity got the best of me one day when we were all on our way to work. It was me Venum and Christie and we were stopping at her uncle's house to pick up Tricky. Venum told us to wait in the car while he went inside. When he returned some time later, I had to ask the question that had been eating at me for weeks.
"why do you always leave me out of things? If we are together, why am I always in the dark?"
Before Venum could answer me, his sister joined right in and told me not to worry about it and to calm down. She could see that I was irritated.
I spoke again more assertively. "NO, I want to know why."
Venum just looked at me funny and didn't say a word. Christie laughed under her breath and looked at Venum. They exchanged a look between the two. I grew angrier and just couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I was in MY car and I was driving them around...and I couldn't be included in anything. Either I was hiding or I was chaffuering. I did not feel like a girlfriend to Venum.
"NO, I mean...I just don't think that everything is none of my business to be honest." I stated matter of factly.
Christie looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but my brother's business is his business and none of yours."
"Oh really, well I thought I had some right to be involved in something seeing as that he lives with me, drives my car and we are together!"
Venum piped up and started to speak. "hey, hey...this is not necessary..."
"Look, you need to stay out of my brother's business!" Christie pointed her finger at me.
"NOt while he is in my car and you should keep your mouth shut too. Looks like I am the one who is driving you to work." I spoke in anger. The thing inside would not stop. She was taking full control and would not relinquish it either.
Christie got extremely angry because her eyes got huge. She grunted and said "hell no!"
Christie had this thing where when she said 'hell no' you expected her to explode any minute. She just sat and fumed for a minute.
"If you ride in my car, then you don't tell me to stay out of your brother's business. I think he can speak for himself."
"Then let me out! I mean it, let me out this car!"
I smiled and pulled over somewhere between Christie and Venum's uncle's house and turned off the key. "fine, be my guest."
Christie got out of the car and started walking back toward her uncle's house. YOu could see that Venum was angry and he sat and fumed. I didn't say much for the first ten minutes as I drove toward the town of Booneville. Then, as the thing quieted, I started to feel bad. I started to talk to Venum but he ignored me. As we neared the first gas station, he told me to pull over and he got out to call his uncle to pick up his sister.
He didn't speak to me the rest of the day. Half of me cared while the other half did not. I tried to pry words out of him and he just milked it. I had just had it with their bullshit....the using, the secrecy and damnit...I didn't want to be hidden in that fucking back seat.
1995
I realized that I was much too pale. I mean, I was beyond pale and it just didn't seem natural...to them anyway. The majority were always tanning themselves to be sexier and I was just standing out like an alien. I decided to start laying in the tanning bed to get some color. I wanted to be normal, to fit in and I wanted to be more attractive to Venum.
I was going to the tanning bed for about a week when I started getting sick. At first it was a little queasiness that would pass after a few minutes or so. Then, it was like clockwork....every morning at the same time. I had no idea, at first, what It could be.
I was pregnant. I came to the realization after another week. I stopped going to the tanning bed and scheduled an appointment at the doctor's office, the free one. I couldn't afford the clinic bill because I simply never had any money. So many things began running through my mind but I did not tell Venum about what was going on. I was going to wait until I saw the doctor first and knew for a fact whether or not I was pregnant. My mind was rusing and I was sick...so very sick. I felt so ugly as well. I went to the store and bought an over the counter pregnancy test because I was so impatient. I started to feel incredibly happy about the prospect of becoming a parent. I started to visualize what it would be like if I had a little girl or little boy with Venum. I smiled a while then I frowned at the thought of losing my figure to pregnancy. I was torn but I was beginning to lean toward being happy about the whole thing. I took the test and it was postitive. I was definitely pregnant but I still hid it.
On the morning of the appointment I was nervous. What if the test was wrong? What if the test was right? Both questions held so much weight in my mind. By the time I arrived I was a mess....meaning I was emotionally excited in an odd sort of way.
The test was positive again and I plopped down in my car and started to think things over. I wandered about the fact that I would get big and lose my figure but then my thoughts would entertain me with visions of little hands and feet and little baby things...and so I smiled at the thought. I laughed and thought about my baby all the way back to the appartment. When I pulled in the driveway, I thought about Venum. For the first time all day, I remembered the father and instantly I felt guilt about that fact. I knew I had to tell him and I had to tell him now.
I ran into the apartment and called his name. He was walking out of the kitchen and he just stopped in his tracks. I told him to sit down and he did because he actually had no idea what I was about to say and quite frankly, he looked a little odd.
"I am pregnant." I blurted out.
Venum's mouth fell open and then he spoke.
"What?! Are you sure?" Venum started. "Did you take one of those store bought deals?"
"Yes, I did and I just got back from the clinic too."
Venum mumbled and then he motioned for me to come sit by him.
"I am kind of excited, Venum. I mean, I know it is a big, huge thing but...but we are gonna have a baby...I mean...what do you think"
Venum frowned and took my hands in his. He pulled me down to the floor and we lay beside each other.
"Listen, I don't think...I mean"
I spoke up. "Are you saying we should get rid of it?"
"Well, Sherrie...we are too young to have a baby. I mean, we haven't even been together that long." Venum spoke quietly and soothed me by rubbing my hair.
I was so confused but I wanted to do what made him happy. I was changing my mind...right there...right at that time...while lying beside him.
"But, I don't know...do you really think so, Venum?" I asked.
"I do....I mean, I hate it but we are not married and who knows...we might not even be together forever."
I stared off into space as Venum pulled me near and held me tight.
At that moment....I murdered my child....not later....right then.
I was pathetic at times and I knew it. I had trouble finding the balance between pitching a fit and giving in. It is really harder than you think to make the right decisions in this case. Life in Tupelo was no easier than life in Booneville. It was just the same old shit, same old people...just a different town...oh, and did i mention....the same old job as well.
I was just a temporary employee as I stated before. Venum had just got hired on full time around 1995 because he had been there for a year before I came along. It seemed that a year was the magic time limit of being a temp at Bio Clinic. Around the beginning of the year of 1995, the company closed down one of its facilities and moved us across the street to the other. I had to learn to get along with new employees and new situations. I was never really the best for change.
I met some very interesting people who never ceased to drive me nuts...people who still thought we were all in high school. That in itself should make a long story short. I was now working really close to Aaliyah's mother every night and telling her that I had no money for diapers. Meanwhile, Venum would avoid her at every turn. Many times, I told him that I was wrong about how I acted before when I would complain about his child and that he should deal with her himself, he should give her money. But that was his situation and I had problems of my own.
Like I said...I was pathetic at times and did not know how to deal with situations. I was not the best "people person" by far. But I did have a heart and sometimes the decisions that I made, I regretted later on...not that i could take back my words. Sometimes that thing inside just spoke exactly how it felt...and it could be very cruel.
Christie
I knew it would happen eventually. There was always this thing I would say about Christie. We could only be civil for the first hour that we were together, then all hell usually broke loose. Sometimes it was quiet hatred and sometimes it was arguing about something stupid...mainly her brother. We had vastly different opinions on how a relationship was supposed to be and so we usually butted heads about it.
I, for one, knew something odd was going on with Venum. So many times, he would insist on having his conversations with people away from me. I knew there were secrets and it drove me crazy. When we would go places, he would always tell me to wait in the car. When people would come to the apartment, they would honk their horn and he would go outside. More times than not, they would never come inside. My curiosity got the best of me one day when we were all on our way to work. It was me Venum and Christie and we were stopping at her uncle's house to pick up Tricky. Venum told us to wait in the car while he went inside. When he returned some time later, I had to ask the question that had been eating at me for weeks.
"why do you always leave me out of things? If we are together, why am I always in the dark?"
Before Venum could answer me, his sister joined right in and told me not to worry about it and to calm down. She could see that I was irritated.
I spoke again more assertively. "NO, I want to know why."
Venum just looked at me funny and didn't say a word. Christie laughed under her breath and looked at Venum. They exchanged a look between the two. I grew angrier and just couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I was in MY car and I was driving them around...and I couldn't be included in anything. Either I was hiding or I was chaffuering. I did not feel like a girlfriend to Venum.
"NO, I mean...I just don't think that everything is none of my business to be honest." I stated matter of factly.
Christie looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but my brother's business is his business and none of yours."
"Oh really, well I thought I had some right to be involved in something seeing as that he lives with me, drives my car and we are together!"
Venum piped up and started to speak. "hey, hey...this is not necessary..."
"Look, you need to stay out of my brother's business!" Christie pointed her finger at me.
"NOt while he is in my car and you should keep your mouth shut too. Looks like I am the one who is driving you to work." I spoke in anger. The thing inside would not stop. She was taking full control and would not relinquish it either.
Christie got extremely angry because her eyes got huge. She grunted and said "hell no!"
Christie had this thing where when she said 'hell no' you expected her to explode any minute. She just sat and fumed for a minute.
"If you ride in my car, then you don't tell me to stay out of your brother's business. I think he can speak for himself."
"Then let me out! I mean it, let me out this car!"
I smiled and pulled over somewhere between Christie and Venum's uncle's house and turned off the key. "fine, be my guest."
Christie got out of the car and started walking back toward her uncle's house. YOu could see that Venum was angry and he sat and fumed. I didn't say much for the first ten minutes as I drove toward the town of Booneville. Then, as the thing quieted, I started to feel bad. I started to talk to Venum but he ignored me. As we neared the first gas station, he told me to pull over and he got out to call his uncle to pick up his sister.
He didn't speak to me the rest of the day. Half of me cared while the other half did not. I tried to pry words out of him and he just milked it. I had just had it with their bullshit....the using, the secrecy and damnit...I didn't want to be hidden in that fucking back seat.
1995
I realized that I was much too pale. I mean, I was beyond pale and it just didn't seem natural...to them anyway. The majority were always tanning themselves to be sexier and I was just standing out like an alien. I decided to start laying in the tanning bed to get some color. I wanted to be normal, to fit in and I wanted to be more attractive to Venum.
I was going to the tanning bed for about a week when I started getting sick. At first it was a little queasiness that would pass after a few minutes or so. Then, it was like clockwork....every morning at the same time. I had no idea, at first, what It could be.
I was pregnant. I came to the realization after another week. I stopped going to the tanning bed and scheduled an appointment at the doctor's office, the free one. I couldn't afford the clinic bill because I simply never had any money. So many things began running through my mind but I did not tell Venum about what was going on. I was going to wait until I saw the doctor first and knew for a fact whether or not I was pregnant. My mind was rusing and I was sick...so very sick. I felt so ugly as well. I went to the store and bought an over the counter pregnancy test because I was so impatient. I started to feel incredibly happy about the prospect of becoming a parent. I started to visualize what it would be like if I had a little girl or little boy with Venum. I smiled a while then I frowned at the thought of losing my figure to pregnancy. I was torn but I was beginning to lean toward being happy about the whole thing. I took the test and it was postitive. I was definitely pregnant but I still hid it.
On the morning of the appointment I was nervous. What if the test was wrong? What if the test was right? Both questions held so much weight in my mind. By the time I arrived I was a mess....meaning I was emotionally excited in an odd sort of way.
The test was positive again and I plopped down in my car and started to think things over. I wandered about the fact that I would get big and lose my figure but then my thoughts would entertain me with visions of little hands and feet and little baby things...and so I smiled at the thought. I laughed and thought about my baby all the way back to the appartment. When I pulled in the driveway, I thought about Venum. For the first time all day, I remembered the father and instantly I felt guilt about that fact. I knew I had to tell him and I had to tell him now.
I ran into the apartment and called his name. He was walking out of the kitchen and he just stopped in his tracks. I told him to sit down and he did because he actually had no idea what I was about to say and quite frankly, he looked a little odd.
"I am pregnant." I blurted out.
Venum's mouth fell open and then he spoke.
"What?! Are you sure?" Venum started. "Did you take one of those store bought deals?"
"Yes, I did and I just got back from the clinic too."
Venum mumbled and then he motioned for me to come sit by him.
"I am kind of excited, Venum. I mean, I know it is a big, huge thing but...but we are gonna have a baby...I mean...what do you think"
Venum frowned and took my hands in his. He pulled me down to the floor and we lay beside each other.
"Listen, I don't think...I mean"
I spoke up. "Are you saying we should get rid of it?"
"Well, Sherrie...we are too young to have a baby. I mean, we haven't even been together that long." Venum spoke quietly and soothed me by rubbing my hair.
I was so confused but I wanted to do what made him happy. I was changing my mind...right there...right at that time...while lying beside him.
"But, I don't know...do you really think so, Venum?" I asked.
"I do....I mean, I hate it but we are not married and who knows...we might not even be together forever."
I stared off into space as Venum pulled me near and held me tight.
At that moment....I murdered my child....not later....right then.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
74
1994
Winter
I was told to move or evict the extra tenant. I come to the realization that it was time to go looking for an apartment somewhere else.
At this point, me and Venum had the oddest conversation. He was wondering if I wanted him to move with me or whether I wanted him to return to his grandmother's house. I was frustrated and angry and I think i had to have some time to think first. I finally told that we were in this together and we would find a place together. Venum suggested moving to Tupelo and that is where we started to look for a place to stay.
We found several places which really didn't suit us at all. We found a trailer that was way too small and a set of apartments in the downtown Tupelo area. We searched until we found our future home.
Chez's Place...Apartment 19
We came to an old motel on the edge of Tupelo Ms...it used to be called Chez's Place. It was a long white old motel turned apartment complex. The manager of the apartments met us at one of the vacancies and showed us what was included in the rental agreement. It was a very small apartment, much smaller than Number 7 Skyline in Booneville. There was a living room, a walk through kitchen and a bedroom with attached bathroom. It was small but doable. The rent also included electricity and cable...kind of affordable but it just had to do at this time. We didn't have very long to vacate the other apartment. Christie was not happy with our move to Tupelo because we would be farther from her. This meant that either we traveled further or we just didn't go pick her up. For months, we had picked her up, carried her to school and then picked her up and took her to work. This arrangement was going to be different but for now, we would continue to pick her up. It seemed that things were not as simple as thought before.
We signed the contract together and took the apartment. It didn't take long to move in since I still hadn't moved all my things from my parent's house. There was still so much to be done.
The manager's name was Gene. He was a strange sort of man who constantly rubbed alcohol on his face and hands. He seemed nice though and closely resembled Kenny Rogers, the country singer. I liked Gene and soon met his best friend, Kenny. Kenny was also interesting. Kenny was always drunk before 9 a.m. and never went to work sober. Kenny was a average sized man with short beard and receding hairline. They were a pair and they welcomed us when we first came to Chez's. It seemed like they had been there forever.
My parents still had no idea that Venum lived with me and neither did my aunt. I was terrified of what happened if they did know.
knicknames
We were never what they called us at birth...not to Venum. To Venum, I was Doll, his sister was lefft and her boyfriend...of course was Tricky. Even Tracy was called...Sis. To him, he created who he thought we should be. I now think it was just his way of keeping control of his life. He said I looked like a Doll with my big dark brown eyes and that his sister had a killer left hook hence the name..."Lefft". Tricky was sneaking which is self explanatory and Tracy, he said , was like a sister to him. That was an odd statement since he kissed her on the lips more than once. I never knew a brother to do that to his sister...not since Cami and her brother. I saw death in my mind again as I thought of those incestuous children. I wondered where they were and what they were doing...but I didn't wonder too long...life was passing me by way too fast to dwell on deaths intentions. Besides, I had a thing inside that kept me plenty of company.
To hell with knicknames. I sat in the backseat of my own car while Venum and his sister talked about things I had no interest in. I scowled and pouted. Yep, a mean little evil babydoll I was....a mad one...tired of ducking behind this damned seat because I was so fucking porcelin white.
Winter
I was told to move or evict the extra tenant. I come to the realization that it was time to go looking for an apartment somewhere else.
At this point, me and Venum had the oddest conversation. He was wondering if I wanted him to move with me or whether I wanted him to return to his grandmother's house. I was frustrated and angry and I think i had to have some time to think first. I finally told that we were in this together and we would find a place together. Venum suggested moving to Tupelo and that is where we started to look for a place to stay.
We found several places which really didn't suit us at all. We found a trailer that was way too small and a set of apartments in the downtown Tupelo area. We searched until we found our future home.
Chez's Place...Apartment 19
We came to an old motel on the edge of Tupelo Ms...it used to be called Chez's Place. It was a long white old motel turned apartment complex. The manager of the apartments met us at one of the vacancies and showed us what was included in the rental agreement. It was a very small apartment, much smaller than Number 7 Skyline in Booneville. There was a living room, a walk through kitchen and a bedroom with attached bathroom. It was small but doable. The rent also included electricity and cable...kind of affordable but it just had to do at this time. We didn't have very long to vacate the other apartment. Christie was not happy with our move to Tupelo because we would be farther from her. This meant that either we traveled further or we just didn't go pick her up. For months, we had picked her up, carried her to school and then picked her up and took her to work. This arrangement was going to be different but for now, we would continue to pick her up. It seemed that things were not as simple as thought before.
We signed the contract together and took the apartment. It didn't take long to move in since I still hadn't moved all my things from my parent's house. There was still so much to be done.
The manager's name was Gene. He was a strange sort of man who constantly rubbed alcohol on his face and hands. He seemed nice though and closely resembled Kenny Rogers, the country singer. I liked Gene and soon met his best friend, Kenny. Kenny was also interesting. Kenny was always drunk before 9 a.m. and never went to work sober. Kenny was a average sized man with short beard and receding hairline. They were a pair and they welcomed us when we first came to Chez's. It seemed like they had been there forever.
My parents still had no idea that Venum lived with me and neither did my aunt. I was terrified of what happened if they did know.
knicknames
We were never what they called us at birth...not to Venum. To Venum, I was Doll, his sister was lefft and her boyfriend...of course was Tricky. Even Tracy was called...Sis. To him, he created who he thought we should be. I now think it was just his way of keeping control of his life. He said I looked like a Doll with my big dark brown eyes and that his sister had a killer left hook hence the name..."Lefft". Tricky was sneaking which is self explanatory and Tracy, he said , was like a sister to him. That was an odd statement since he kissed her on the lips more than once. I never knew a brother to do that to his sister...not since Cami and her brother. I saw death in my mind again as I thought of those incestuous children. I wondered where they were and what they were doing...but I didn't wonder too long...life was passing me by way too fast to dwell on deaths intentions. Besides, I had a thing inside that kept me plenty of company.
To hell with knicknames. I sat in the backseat of my own car while Venum and his sister talked about things I had no interest in. I scowled and pouted. Yep, a mean little evil babydoll I was....a mad one...tired of ducking behind this damned seat because I was so fucking porcelin white.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)