1996
Winter
I had no idea what the appointments would consist of but I would soon be enveloped by nurses and couselors who wished to save my baby. Considering that I had just had an abortion the year before, they were very dilligent in making sure that I had ample time in counseling and bible studies. Mind you, I was no christian and really had interest in learning about God but in order to get help with my pregnancy needs; I had to go along with it as they saw fit.
The hardest part of the counseling was the mandatory abortion counseling. I do not really know how humane the procedure was but I was subjected to relive the abortion I went through before....meaning the details given to me and watching a video about abortion. I was made to watch three different women having an abortion on video. I had to watch the procedure from the moment of their individual counseling until the point where they showed what actually happens to the fetus. Watching the video was simply horrible and watching the dead bodies of fetus' torn apart by the abortion suction machine was enough to make me sick. I remember almost fainting while watching the videos. When I asked to be excused, the answer was no and the reason was always because I had done this before and I must know what really happens. I must be witness to the murder that I committed. And so, for days, I was subjected to video after video of performed abortions. I just sat there and wondered if it was a mistake to have gotten rid of the silly little part of me that used to dwell inside.
It was just me now....and I had to be a big girl.
1996
Winter
I was very sick for many months during the winter. The sickness was only assuaged by eating crackers first thing in the morning and drinking Sprite. I grew so incredibly sick that it hurt my work performance. Many times, I requested to sit with the sewing ladies and make medical products on the machines while sitting down. Most of the time I was refused my requests. I couldn't stay on the work floor for long at all because I kept having to run to the bathroom. Finally, I got fed up with trying to get some leniency and so I asked to go home.
I knew that night that I would not be returning to Bio Clinic. I asked Venum if I could quit because I was so sick and they did not care about it. I explained that I had tried on many occasions to get them to understand but they only saw work, they only saw what I could do for them and not how I felt. Venum told me that I should quit and look for another job somewhere else that maybe would be more suitable for my condition. I instantly was relieved and decided to call the next day and let them know that I would not be coming back.
1996
I tried to find a job at several different places but didn't really have any luck. One job that I acquired seemed pretty easy at first but I just couldn't satisfy the company with my performance. I was to make calls and give these long speeches in order to sell a service to the companies that I was contacting. It was very similar to a telemarketer's job and really seemed pretty simple. But according to the boss, I sounded as if I was reading from a script (in which I was) and that I should try harder. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't speak right in their eyes. I just didn't have the voice nor the tack to approach the subject matter in a friendly and casual way. I quit that job after two weeks out of frustration and aggravation.
1996
I had a doctor's appointment with my gynecologist for a regular pregnancy check or similar to a pap smear. When they checked my cervix they found abnormal cells growing there. They told me that It could be cancer but they wouldn't know until they got the test results back. When the tests came back, they were not cancerous but only pre cancerous. If not removed they could turn into cancer. I was told that I could not have them removed unless I was willing to lose the baby because there was a high chance that they surgery would cause an abortion to occur. I was horrified and so I agreed to wait until the baby was born to have the growths removed. The doctor assured me that the growths would probably remain in the same state until 9 months later and so that calmed me a bit. Venum was there with me on that appointment and assured me that everything would be okay. I was very grateful for this time that he was there for me. I remember being comforted by his presence that day and comforted by the thought of protecting my baby at all costs.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
81
1996
Winter
I never meant for this life to be so complicated but yet, who does mean for that to happen. I sat outside and watched the cars go by and wondered what it would be like to just stand in front of one of them...but it probably wouldn't kill me...chances are. I would probably be maimed horribly and still be pregnant. I thought of getting a knife from the kitchen and slitting my wrists but I probably couldn't do that right either. As Venum walked outside to go to work, I looked up at him and wondered when I should tell him. He seemed oblivious to anything being wrong with me and so he bent down and kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and then walked around the corner to work. I watched him disapear and then continued to think of how I should end it all.
The darkness was normal to me...I found it pleasant sometimes and oddly comfortable. I would swim in the darkness, dance in the darkness and I would die there if darkness would have me. But I was innocent despite my dark and hateful ways. It was an innocence that was strange and yet as pure as new flowers...but it had spots...crimson spots of vengeance and retribution strewn all over its soft fleshy body. And the dark was innocent as well. It did not understand what it was doing and it had no concience to see and feel what the other was doing to me...changing and transforming me daily...but into what?
1996
The dreams continue
I saw her standing there...yes, it sounds like a line from a famous song...but I really did see her standing there. She was bathed in a beautiful golden light; but she was dead. I knew she was dead because I saw the crimson stains on her little dress again. But this time, she did not cry out and she did not plead for me to take her into my arms. She just stood there and looked at me and she was cold as cold could be. I could not touch her but I knew that she was cold.
And then it was dark..dark in my dreams. I was walking and I could feel sections of something underneathe my feet. I felt where one peice would meet the other and then I felt a large hard object bump up against my right foot and so, I climbed over it. I felt myself descending a hill in slow motion. Then I heard the sound, it was loud but distant...but growing closer by the minute. I saw the light and it radiated filling the whole environment with pale light. I Looked down and saw the grass beneathe my feet, looked back up the hill and saw the railroad track and then I saw her. My mother was running down the track away from the light but the light was gaining on her. She began to scream and so I made my way back up the hill to help her to get off the track. I could only go so far and I was stopped...by what, I don't know. I could feel the air was thick in front of me but I could not push onward. Mother screamed and ran faster. I saw the train then...a monstrous hideous thing that reached forward with steel claws. I saw its razor sharp teeth marred with gore and blood. I saw its eyes and they grew larger the closer the train got to my mother. I gnashed its teeth together and then it roared like a real train. Mother stumbled and fell. I screamed for her but she could not hear me, she was putting her hands over her face and all she could do was continue to wail. I watched the train grow closer...closing in on my poor mother. I heard the train roar again sending shivers throughout my whole dream being. I saw the train reach out...and devour my mom.
1996
Winter
I knew this conversation was inebitable. I knew that the thing inside would feed off more of me than I had to offer. I cringed and closed the front door of the apartment. I had decided that I had to be away from my home for a while. The thing inside grew impatient and she wanted to play. I climbed into my car and drove away into the night while Venum was still sleeping. This night he has passed out drunk and I was sure I could get away without any problem. I drove through town and stopped somewhere along Main street, west of the coliseum. There I found a parking lot and stepped from the car. I was simply dressed; jeans and v neck shirt but I was pretty to say the least. I was not me at all and so despite what I wore...the thing inside made it more than what it was. The thing inside was invincible and glamorous and she had the will to make things immortal as it may seem.
I walked the streets of Tupelo and surveyed everything around me. I watched the people getting into cars and wondered who it would be that she would approach this night. Then I saw him, he sat alone on the north side of the street with his head in his hands. I could feel his desperation and I wanted to envelop it. I walked across the street and languidly approached him. I put my hand on the top of his head and then the thing spoke for me.
"I am here."
The man looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. I saw the anguish in his voice and the pain in the quiver of his lips. I also saw the surprise when he looked into my eyes. Did he see me there or did he see her. Exactly who was me and who was her...it became muddled sometimes. I bent down and took his face in my hands.
"I have been looking for you. All these places, all these towns...and I walk into yours, huh?" I smiled
This made the man smile then quickly look confused but yet, he beckoned me to sit with him. I sat down and watched his face as it turned to mine. He was cute, maybe he was 27 or 30...he was not that old and he seemed awfully mature for his age. He talked to me of his problems and his life before moving down south. I listened to every drop and morsel which fell from his lips as he talked. I moved closer to him and sniffed him...he smelled like sweat and way too much alcohol....but i wanted him....she wanted him...the things writhed within to take him at her pleasure. I felt her moving inside and telling me to take him...push him down to the concrete and have my way with him. She said he was fodder for me to grow and that I needed this.
The thing spoke.. "I think your soul needs mine.... What did you say your name was?"
The man looked at me and frowned. "I never told you my name but it is Ramone."
"Ramone...what a wonderful name." The thing smiled inside and then I smiled.
As I was moving in for the kiss, I stopped abruptly. I felt myself shaking very badly and then pulled away. The pain started..somewhere in my belly I felt a sharp pain as if I was being stabbed by this stranger which sat before me. I felt myself rise up against my other and I bled inside. I cringed and pulled back against the curbside. The pain grew worse and the stranger moved to help me. Before I knew what I was doing, I pounced on him knocking him backwards onto the pavement. I looked down into his eyes panting with pain. His face was a mixture of anger and excitement and so he smiled timidly. I fought there for long moments with the thing inside and right before I gained control, It spoke to the man once more.
"Ah...this little bitch is inhibiting me from my purpose...and now she grows another within that shall take her heart. If her body wasn't mine as well....I would tell you to kill her....and you would."
I know the man pushed me off and called me a bitch. I know he called me crazy and he walked away but...
That's all I remember. I just know that I made her leave that night. I told her to go away and never come back. I was having my baby and there was nothing she or anyone else could do to make me change my mind. I screamed for her to leave...while trapped inside while she attempted to molest that poor man. I have bits and peices of this but no real recollection of the order in which the events took place. I was to learn many many years later how to control the thing within...to a certain point...but I was never ever going to make peace with it. It was simply...the other.
I know that I left that curbside and that stranger in one hell of a hurry. I never seen him again in my whole life. I slipped back into bed covered in tar from the pavement. It's funny how people never notice things about others...like how Venum looked at me and never asked me why my hands were covered with debris form the asphalt nor why I just wouldn't talk to him that morning.
1996
Winter
I wasn't giving it up and I was poor. Venum never gave me money and I had very little to spare after bills. Lots of times, I would pay most of the bills due to the fact that Venum found other things to spend money on. Don't get me wrong, I blew vast amounts of money on fast food as well. We were both very immature and just learning to be adults.
I couldn't afford any more doctor bills and so I found a free clinic called "Save a life". This clinic was where girls would go to keep from having an abortion, an Abortion Alternative Clinic. These ladies specialized in arranging adoptions, counseling, free pregancy tests and etc. I went in to the clinic and waited to speak to someone.
The deal was..if I went through all the abortion counseling, took bible courses and agreed to take my prenatal vitamins; I would get free things for the baby and all my tests would be free as well. I agreed to the arrangement and made my first appointment to follow up after the pregnancy test. I took the official pregnancy test and I was indeed pregnant. I smiled for the first time in so long because I was gonna have this baby. For that moment in time...I could not have been happier.
I talke to Damian...all the way home. I know that I did not know his name then...but I would. I would know Damian for 9 months before he ever entered the world. I would talk to him, read to him and play music with a little radio pressed up against my belly. But I get ahead of myself...things will be revealed in time.
When I left that clinic, I drove to a park and sat within the car. I had one more chance to speak the words that I needed to speak to the thing within.
"And I mean what I said...I don't need you anymore. I want to be good, I want to be innocent...If I am good then they will be good to me. Please, let me have this."
I cried and left the thing behind. I looked in my rearview mirror and watched the little fairy that was me, sitting at the foot of a tree with her arms crossed. I couldn't tell what face she was making but I could feel her tugging at me.
Winter
I never meant for this life to be so complicated but yet, who does mean for that to happen. I sat outside and watched the cars go by and wondered what it would be like to just stand in front of one of them...but it probably wouldn't kill me...chances are. I would probably be maimed horribly and still be pregnant. I thought of getting a knife from the kitchen and slitting my wrists but I probably couldn't do that right either. As Venum walked outside to go to work, I looked up at him and wondered when I should tell him. He seemed oblivious to anything being wrong with me and so he bent down and kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and then walked around the corner to work. I watched him disapear and then continued to think of how I should end it all.
The darkness was normal to me...I found it pleasant sometimes and oddly comfortable. I would swim in the darkness, dance in the darkness and I would die there if darkness would have me. But I was innocent despite my dark and hateful ways. It was an innocence that was strange and yet as pure as new flowers...but it had spots...crimson spots of vengeance and retribution strewn all over its soft fleshy body. And the dark was innocent as well. It did not understand what it was doing and it had no concience to see and feel what the other was doing to me...changing and transforming me daily...but into what?
1996
The dreams continue
I saw her standing there...yes, it sounds like a line from a famous song...but I really did see her standing there. She was bathed in a beautiful golden light; but she was dead. I knew she was dead because I saw the crimson stains on her little dress again. But this time, she did not cry out and she did not plead for me to take her into my arms. She just stood there and looked at me and she was cold as cold could be. I could not touch her but I knew that she was cold.
And then it was dark..dark in my dreams. I was walking and I could feel sections of something underneathe my feet. I felt where one peice would meet the other and then I felt a large hard object bump up against my right foot and so, I climbed over it. I felt myself descending a hill in slow motion. Then I heard the sound, it was loud but distant...but growing closer by the minute. I saw the light and it radiated filling the whole environment with pale light. I Looked down and saw the grass beneathe my feet, looked back up the hill and saw the railroad track and then I saw her. My mother was running down the track away from the light but the light was gaining on her. She began to scream and so I made my way back up the hill to help her to get off the track. I could only go so far and I was stopped...by what, I don't know. I could feel the air was thick in front of me but I could not push onward. Mother screamed and ran faster. I saw the train then...a monstrous hideous thing that reached forward with steel claws. I saw its razor sharp teeth marred with gore and blood. I saw its eyes and they grew larger the closer the train got to my mother. I gnashed its teeth together and then it roared like a real train. Mother stumbled and fell. I screamed for her but she could not hear me, she was putting her hands over her face and all she could do was continue to wail. I watched the train grow closer...closing in on my poor mother. I heard the train roar again sending shivers throughout my whole dream being. I saw the train reach out...and devour my mom.
1996
Winter
I knew this conversation was inebitable. I knew that the thing inside would feed off more of me than I had to offer. I cringed and closed the front door of the apartment. I had decided that I had to be away from my home for a while. The thing inside grew impatient and she wanted to play. I climbed into my car and drove away into the night while Venum was still sleeping. This night he has passed out drunk and I was sure I could get away without any problem. I drove through town and stopped somewhere along Main street, west of the coliseum. There I found a parking lot and stepped from the car. I was simply dressed; jeans and v neck shirt but I was pretty to say the least. I was not me at all and so despite what I wore...the thing inside made it more than what it was. The thing inside was invincible and glamorous and she had the will to make things immortal as it may seem.
I walked the streets of Tupelo and surveyed everything around me. I watched the people getting into cars and wondered who it would be that she would approach this night. Then I saw him, he sat alone on the north side of the street with his head in his hands. I could feel his desperation and I wanted to envelop it. I walked across the street and languidly approached him. I put my hand on the top of his head and then the thing spoke for me.
"I am here."
The man looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. I saw the anguish in his voice and the pain in the quiver of his lips. I also saw the surprise when he looked into my eyes. Did he see me there or did he see her. Exactly who was me and who was her...it became muddled sometimes. I bent down and took his face in my hands.
"I have been looking for you. All these places, all these towns...and I walk into yours, huh?" I smiled
This made the man smile then quickly look confused but yet, he beckoned me to sit with him. I sat down and watched his face as it turned to mine. He was cute, maybe he was 27 or 30...he was not that old and he seemed awfully mature for his age. He talked to me of his problems and his life before moving down south. I listened to every drop and morsel which fell from his lips as he talked. I moved closer to him and sniffed him...he smelled like sweat and way too much alcohol....but i wanted him....she wanted him...the things writhed within to take him at her pleasure. I felt her moving inside and telling me to take him...push him down to the concrete and have my way with him. She said he was fodder for me to grow and that I needed this.
The thing spoke.. "I think your soul needs mine.... What did you say your name was?"
The man looked at me and frowned. "I never told you my name but it is Ramone."
"Ramone...what a wonderful name." The thing smiled inside and then I smiled.
As I was moving in for the kiss, I stopped abruptly. I felt myself shaking very badly and then pulled away. The pain started..somewhere in my belly I felt a sharp pain as if I was being stabbed by this stranger which sat before me. I felt myself rise up against my other and I bled inside. I cringed and pulled back against the curbside. The pain grew worse and the stranger moved to help me. Before I knew what I was doing, I pounced on him knocking him backwards onto the pavement. I looked down into his eyes panting with pain. His face was a mixture of anger and excitement and so he smiled timidly. I fought there for long moments with the thing inside and right before I gained control, It spoke to the man once more.
"Ah...this little bitch is inhibiting me from my purpose...and now she grows another within that shall take her heart. If her body wasn't mine as well....I would tell you to kill her....and you would."
I know the man pushed me off and called me a bitch. I know he called me crazy and he walked away but...
That's all I remember. I just know that I made her leave that night. I told her to go away and never come back. I was having my baby and there was nothing she or anyone else could do to make me change my mind. I screamed for her to leave...while trapped inside while she attempted to molest that poor man. I have bits and peices of this but no real recollection of the order in which the events took place. I was to learn many many years later how to control the thing within...to a certain point...but I was never ever going to make peace with it. It was simply...the other.
I know that I left that curbside and that stranger in one hell of a hurry. I never seen him again in my whole life. I slipped back into bed covered in tar from the pavement. It's funny how people never notice things about others...like how Venum looked at me and never asked me why my hands were covered with debris form the asphalt nor why I just wouldn't talk to him that morning.
1996
Winter
I wasn't giving it up and I was poor. Venum never gave me money and I had very little to spare after bills. Lots of times, I would pay most of the bills due to the fact that Venum found other things to spend money on. Don't get me wrong, I blew vast amounts of money on fast food as well. We were both very immature and just learning to be adults.
I couldn't afford any more doctor bills and so I found a free clinic called "Save a life". This clinic was where girls would go to keep from having an abortion, an Abortion Alternative Clinic. These ladies specialized in arranging adoptions, counseling, free pregancy tests and etc. I went in to the clinic and waited to speak to someone.
The deal was..if I went through all the abortion counseling, took bible courses and agreed to take my prenatal vitamins; I would get free things for the baby and all my tests would be free as well. I agreed to the arrangement and made my first appointment to follow up after the pregnancy test. I took the official pregnancy test and I was indeed pregnant. I smiled for the first time in so long because I was gonna have this baby. For that moment in time...I could not have been happier.
I talke to Damian...all the way home. I know that I did not know his name then...but I would. I would know Damian for 9 months before he ever entered the world. I would talk to him, read to him and play music with a little radio pressed up against my belly. But I get ahead of myself...things will be revealed in time.
When I left that clinic, I drove to a park and sat within the car. I had one more chance to speak the words that I needed to speak to the thing within.
"And I mean what I said...I don't need you anymore. I want to be good, I want to be innocent...If I am good then they will be good to me. Please, let me have this."
I cried and left the thing behind. I looked in my rearview mirror and watched the little fairy that was me, sitting at the foot of a tree with her arms crossed. I couldn't tell what face she was making but I could feel her tugging at me.
Monday, April 8, 2013
80
1995
It's not that I didn't like people at all; it is just that I was thrown head first into a pool of writhing animated bodies. There were new poeple coming from everywhere and it sometimes made me feel nervous. Margie moved out of the apartment next to ours and a tall skinny guy who closely resembled Shaggy from Scooby Doo, moved in the vacant apartment. His name was Clinton and he loved to watch Nick at Night way over into the late night and early morning. He was very friendly and didn't conciously exclude me from the conversations...I liked that about him. I grew close to him before things started to become a haze. Clinton played guitar really well and could play most of the classic rock songs. I loved to sit and listen to him for hours,in fact; we did that very thing on many occasions.
Clinton was a Meth head. At that time, I didn't even know the term for what Clinton did...he was just always awake and there for us when we needed to talk to someone about things we were going through. It wasn't long before we were grilling food together, getting drunk and ...of course, delving into Chrystal Meth. I remember exactly how it was done. At first we broke the end off a light bulb and cleaned out the white residue from inside. Then we shook the powdered Meth into the light bulb and we used a straw to suck the fumes up and into our lungs. I cannot remember how many times that I experimented with Meth but I do remember that at least on one occasion, I did not sleep for three days straight. I remember the high as being extraordinary and how excited and energized that I was. I do know that I smoked Chrystal Meth more than one time and we all laughed into many late late nights and onto the many mornings following before we crashed.
1995
Not only did we have Hissy as a pet; but we acquired two more snakes as well. The next snake that we bought from the pet store was named VJ. VJ was my snake and I named him after Venum...he was Venum Junior. Yeah, I guess you can say I thought that was awfully damn cute. Venum also bought another snake and called her Brock. Both snakes were Ball Pythons. Later on we acquired a fourth snake and named her Viper...she was a Boa Constrictor. We had one whole wall of our living room covered with snake cages. It was almost as if we had a small petting zoo in our living room. I wasn't afraid of them though and many times I would take them out and play with them. But when I realized how they had to eat, it was another story. At first I would not feed them myself...I just didn't have the heart to kill those poor mice. The first time Venum brought home a mouse to feed the snakes, I got very upset. I remember him walking over to the table and whacking the mouse against the hard surface of the table top. I saw the brutality of the act and I ran screaming form the house. I cried in my car while Venum fed the first mouse to one of our snakes. Venum laughed at me and it took him a while to get me out of the car. After a few feedings, I just hardened my heart and watched a little more at a time. Eventually, I was doing the job myself. I would take the mouse by the tail and pop him like you would pop a wet ass with a towel after coming out of the shower. I learned those days that hearts can be hardened over time...many things can be done that one would think is virtually impossible. We, as humans can turn our heads to suffering, pain and death when given the right amount of training. To learn these things from feeding a mouse to a snake is interesting indeed. I grew to feeding my own snake and all the others when Venum was too busy to take care of them. It was an interesting thing to go through.
1995
The other pets.
I read about these animals called Chinchillas. These rodent like creatures were native of the Andes Mountains in south America. They were hunted for their coats. My first Chinchilla was named Biscuit and I loved him very much... holding him as much as I could. I remember that I would love to let him out of the cage to get excercize. He was such an entertainment for company when he would run between their legs and hop up on their laps. I remember so vividly how hard it was to catch him when we had to put him back in his cage. Oh, he was a riot and I think he mostly resembled a cross between a squirrel, a rat and a rabbit. Chinchillas are very adorable creatures. Unfortunately, Venum put out rat poison for some of the rats that he couldnt catch for the snakes. One day when Biscuit was taking a run around the house, he got into the poison. I remember when I caught him and how easy it was to catch him...he just flopped over and wiggled. We rushed him to the vet but he just didn't make it. I remember how bad it hurt when he died. Not long afterwards, I decided I wanted more Chinchillas because I had just fallen in love with them. I decided to buy a pair of them to start breeding my own rodent like fur bearers. Apparently, one of them would sell for a hundred dollars. I bought two of them in a large three story cage and placed it in the living room opposite from the snake cages. When me and Venum would get stoned, we would blow smoke into their cage. It was amazing how excited and horney these creatures got when they were high. We would sit and be entertained for hours by the antics of these creatures.
1996
Winter
Steve
If you have ever seen the show "Beavus and Butthead" and remember what the character "Beavus" looked like; then you know exactly what Steve looked like. He was a spitting image of Beavus and acted a lot like him as well. Steve moved into the apartment beside us when Clinton moved out. We all became fast friends and hung out with Lily, her boyfriend and her boyfriends brother. We were generally a good group...getting drunk and stoned and staying in trouble as much as possible.
An ice storm was coming and we were all packed into our little apartments awaiting the event. We would run next door to talk to Steven then he would run to our apartment to talk to us. Some of the friends of his would hang out with us including whatever girlfriend he had at the time. When the ice storm finally came, we got in Steve's car and headed down to the Barnes Crossing Mall parking lot. We did donuts on the ice until the security ran us away. Then we came back to the apartments and got stoned and drunk until we passed out. Lily and the guys would come by the next day and wake us from our undead like slumber. I could hear them all arguing outside the front door and I would just put my pillow over my face and go back to sleep.
I liked Lily well enough but I knew something was happen
ing between her and Venum. At that point, I thought it was sexual but thinking back on the whole situation...I think that maybe he was supplying her with cocaine or crack ...or something of the nature. You see, I did experiment with harder substances but I never really got hooked on them. Little known to me, Venum was already hooked on harder drugs than he led me to believe. Even Steve, our beloved friend, was hooked on some of the harder stuff. And he had a large female customer base...I assume.
If that was not the reason then I was right to be jealous. I may never know whether I was right to feel the way I felt. As an older adult, I find myself zoning out when I feel the ugly head of jealousy rearing...Oh, i feel it..I just feel ashamed of it. As far is Lily is concerned, I never really knew what her deal was. I may seem jealous as this story goes on, and yes, at times, I was very jealous...but I think, in retrospect, I had a good reason to be. The number of unknown strangers that frequented our home was numerous...I cannot even keep up with them now. It was like a small business. I remember waking to the voices coming from my living room. When I would walk into the room, I would be face to face with people who were looking at ME as if I didn't belong in my own home. It was as if I was the stranger in that time and place of my life. No wonder...I continued to grow angry as time went on.
Winter
1996
After the Ice storm
I was sick again, mom was sick too...Venum was Venum as Venum does...as usual... and the world was sick. Thank god that Venum wasn't sick as well.
My brother let me know that three of the tumors insid my mother...the smaller ones.. were malignant(cancerous) and the biggest one was benign. The doctors could not operate because the big one was in the way of the others. I know I heard the news but yet, I could not process it...could not make it jell into my brain.
I started to throw up the next day...and the next...followed by the next. I couldn't understand if it was nerves or something else. I got a strange thought and so I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
The thing inside grew angry and screamed.
It's not that I didn't like people at all; it is just that I was thrown head first into a pool of writhing animated bodies. There were new poeple coming from everywhere and it sometimes made me feel nervous. Margie moved out of the apartment next to ours and a tall skinny guy who closely resembled Shaggy from Scooby Doo, moved in the vacant apartment. His name was Clinton and he loved to watch Nick at Night way over into the late night and early morning. He was very friendly and didn't conciously exclude me from the conversations...I liked that about him. I grew close to him before things started to become a haze. Clinton played guitar really well and could play most of the classic rock songs. I loved to sit and listen to him for hours,in fact; we did that very thing on many occasions.
Clinton was a Meth head. At that time, I didn't even know the term for what Clinton did...he was just always awake and there for us when we needed to talk to someone about things we were going through. It wasn't long before we were grilling food together, getting drunk and ...of course, delving into Chrystal Meth. I remember exactly how it was done. At first we broke the end off a light bulb and cleaned out the white residue from inside. Then we shook the powdered Meth into the light bulb and we used a straw to suck the fumes up and into our lungs. I cannot remember how many times that I experimented with Meth but I do remember that at least on one occasion, I did not sleep for three days straight. I remember the high as being extraordinary and how excited and energized that I was. I do know that I smoked Chrystal Meth more than one time and we all laughed into many late late nights and onto the many mornings following before we crashed.
1995
Not only did we have Hissy as a pet; but we acquired two more snakes as well. The next snake that we bought from the pet store was named VJ. VJ was my snake and I named him after Venum...he was Venum Junior. Yeah, I guess you can say I thought that was awfully damn cute. Venum also bought another snake and called her Brock. Both snakes were Ball Pythons. Later on we acquired a fourth snake and named her Viper...she was a Boa Constrictor. We had one whole wall of our living room covered with snake cages. It was almost as if we had a small petting zoo in our living room. I wasn't afraid of them though and many times I would take them out and play with them. But when I realized how they had to eat, it was another story. At first I would not feed them myself...I just didn't have the heart to kill those poor mice. The first time Venum brought home a mouse to feed the snakes, I got very upset. I remember him walking over to the table and whacking the mouse against the hard surface of the table top. I saw the brutality of the act and I ran screaming form the house. I cried in my car while Venum fed the first mouse to one of our snakes. Venum laughed at me and it took him a while to get me out of the car. After a few feedings, I just hardened my heart and watched a little more at a time. Eventually, I was doing the job myself. I would take the mouse by the tail and pop him like you would pop a wet ass with a towel after coming out of the shower. I learned those days that hearts can be hardened over time...many things can be done that one would think is virtually impossible. We, as humans can turn our heads to suffering, pain and death when given the right amount of training. To learn these things from feeding a mouse to a snake is interesting indeed. I grew to feeding my own snake and all the others when Venum was too busy to take care of them. It was an interesting thing to go through.
1995
The other pets.
I read about these animals called Chinchillas. These rodent like creatures were native of the Andes Mountains in south America. They were hunted for their coats. My first Chinchilla was named Biscuit and I loved him very much... holding him as much as I could. I remember that I would love to let him out of the cage to get excercize. He was such an entertainment for company when he would run between their legs and hop up on their laps. I remember so vividly how hard it was to catch him when we had to put him back in his cage. Oh, he was a riot and I think he mostly resembled a cross between a squirrel, a rat and a rabbit. Chinchillas are very adorable creatures. Unfortunately, Venum put out rat poison for some of the rats that he couldnt catch for the snakes. One day when Biscuit was taking a run around the house, he got into the poison. I remember when I caught him and how easy it was to catch him...he just flopped over and wiggled. We rushed him to the vet but he just didn't make it. I remember how bad it hurt when he died. Not long afterwards, I decided I wanted more Chinchillas because I had just fallen in love with them. I decided to buy a pair of them to start breeding my own rodent like fur bearers. Apparently, one of them would sell for a hundred dollars. I bought two of them in a large three story cage and placed it in the living room opposite from the snake cages. When me and Venum would get stoned, we would blow smoke into their cage. It was amazing how excited and horney these creatures got when they were high. We would sit and be entertained for hours by the antics of these creatures.
1996
Winter
Steve
If you have ever seen the show "Beavus and Butthead" and remember what the character "Beavus" looked like; then you know exactly what Steve looked like. He was a spitting image of Beavus and acted a lot like him as well. Steve moved into the apartment beside us when Clinton moved out. We all became fast friends and hung out with Lily, her boyfriend and her boyfriends brother. We were generally a good group...getting drunk and stoned and staying in trouble as much as possible.
An ice storm was coming and we were all packed into our little apartments awaiting the event. We would run next door to talk to Steven then he would run to our apartment to talk to us. Some of the friends of his would hang out with us including whatever girlfriend he had at the time. When the ice storm finally came, we got in Steve's car and headed down to the Barnes Crossing Mall parking lot. We did donuts on the ice until the security ran us away. Then we came back to the apartments and got stoned and drunk until we passed out. Lily and the guys would come by the next day and wake us from our undead like slumber. I could hear them all arguing outside the front door and I would just put my pillow over my face and go back to sleep.
I liked Lily well enough but I knew something was happen
ing between her and Venum. At that point, I thought it was sexual but thinking back on the whole situation...I think that maybe he was supplying her with cocaine or crack ...or something of the nature. You see, I did experiment with harder substances but I never really got hooked on them. Little known to me, Venum was already hooked on harder drugs than he led me to believe. Even Steve, our beloved friend, was hooked on some of the harder stuff. And he had a large female customer base...I assume.
If that was not the reason then I was right to be jealous. I may never know whether I was right to feel the way I felt. As an older adult, I find myself zoning out when I feel the ugly head of jealousy rearing...Oh, i feel it..I just feel ashamed of it. As far is Lily is concerned, I never really knew what her deal was. I may seem jealous as this story goes on, and yes, at times, I was very jealous...but I think, in retrospect, I had a good reason to be. The number of unknown strangers that frequented our home was numerous...I cannot even keep up with them now. It was like a small business. I remember waking to the voices coming from my living room. When I would walk into the room, I would be face to face with people who were looking at ME as if I didn't belong in my own home. It was as if I was the stranger in that time and place of my life. No wonder...I continued to grow angry as time went on.
Winter
1996
After the Ice storm
I was sick again, mom was sick too...Venum was Venum as Venum does...as usual... and the world was sick. Thank god that Venum wasn't sick as well.
My brother let me know that three of the tumors insid my mother...the smaller ones.. were malignant(cancerous) and the biggest one was benign. The doctors could not operate because the big one was in the way of the others. I know I heard the news but yet, I could not process it...could not make it jell into my brain.
I started to throw up the next day...and the next...followed by the next. I couldn't understand if it was nerves or something else. I got a strange thought and so I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
The thing inside grew angry and screamed.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
79
1995
Fall
Venum managed to get a job behind Chez Place at the Shell station. He would be working first shift and I would continue to work at the plant on second shift. Things were changing again...and as you must know by now..change was not easy for me. We planned to talk to each other on my breaks when he would page me. We both had pagers and we would alert each other when we wanted to talk and the other one would get to a pay phone and make the call. That was the way before cell phones...that was the way we were able to talk during this time. While I was at work, Venum would hang out with people at our apartment and get high and drink. When I would come home...there were strangers for the most part in my living room. I don't mean two or three strange people...but at least 8 strangers would be lounging all over the couches, the chairs and sitting in the floor. Most nights, I would come in and sit in the corner looking at my fish in the aquarium. I could hear them talking but I would try so hard to drown our their voices. I didn't feel like I belonged in my own house. After several nights of feeling panicky, I requested that Venum send his friends home before I came in. I didn't know them, they were trampling all over my things, draggin in mud on my floor and Venum was not cleaning up after them at all. I wanted to be able to come home and feel comfortable and have down time for myself. I often came home to loud mouth strangers spilling beer and fighting in my living room. I didn't think my request was all that bad...apparently Venum did. AFter sending them home a couple times, they all went back to their routine of hanging out in the apartment even hours after I had come home. Sometimes, I even tried to sleep and I could hear them ranting in the front room. It seemed that Venum had no respect for what I needed or wanted.
ONe night, I stood from my chair by the aquarium and walked out into the living room. I stood there looking down at all the idiots and wishing I could just throw them out. But I was quiet...just standing there and I even smiled. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. I snatched a bottle from the nearest kid and downed the rest of his beer.
"I really think everyone should fuck off." I stated in a very sweet voice. Venum starred up at me and was kind of surprised by my actions.
At first they just starred at me too and then one by one...they left.
1995
fall
My mother had another doctor's appointment and so I decided to go with her this time. While we were waiting in the waiting room, she talked about mundane things and how much she had missed me lately. I just sat there thinking about her condition and wondering what it was, exactly. I would have missed what she was saying if I had not have noticed the word "baby." Because of my dreams lately, I picked out the single word in her conversation.
"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" Mom said as she looked down at her hands folded upon her large belly.
I was taken aback by her words and so I just looked toward her. She turned to me and spoke again.
"I know you lost your baby, sherrie." Her peircing black eyes grew small and she just waited for me to answer.
I frowned then spoke. "I ...uh, I ...I just didn't want to worry you, Moma." I frowned and then looked at her again.
"How did you know I was pregnant?"
She laughed and then let out a great sigh. "I know lots of things about you. No one tells me things, I just know."
I smiled a sickly smile and realized somthing else about my mother. Her eyes were like mine...yes, they were black, deep and big like a baby doll...this is true. But they were like mine in other ways. Mother knew things like I knew things. Mother knew things in ways that most people don't like to talk about. Mother was not just mother...as I was not just me.
I wondered if she had an other and I thought I saw it in her eyes.
Did something else take control of her when she felt weak...I never knew, I did not know...I would never get the chance to find out.
1995
fall
The pain was almost gone and I was almost living a normal existence...well, as normal as a drug dealing, crazy girl with bi sexual tendencies can be. I started to cook more often and experiment with different recipes. I even realized that cooking was something that I really liked to do. I would make meals for Venum and leave them for him when I would go to work. Sometimes, I would carry meals to work for him. I took pride in doing nice things for him because no matter what happened...I loved him. I can say that at this time in my life, I had thoughts for no other.
That thing that happened
Venum had this friend named Joe. Joe was a drunkard. Yes, I know that all of our friend drank at some time or the other but Joe was bad....he was really bad. One day he came to the apartment with a red rose. He said he had bought the rose for his girlfriend but he had decided to give it to me. I really did not like the idea and so I tried to give it back to him. Venum told me to take it and so I did.
Every time that Joe came by he couldn't keep his hands off me. He loved to touch my waist, my shoulders and my head. He had to always have a hug from me and he called it just "friendly". I started to get irritated by the fact that he wouldn't stop touching me. I asked him to stop and he didn't stop...in fact Venum got angry at me for over reacting and said that he wasn't hurting me. I would look to Venum with a pleading look in my eyes and I tried to convey how bad it made me feel for Joe to touch me. He simply found it ridiculous that I was complaining. At some point, I told Joe to leave because I did not like him touching me. He did leave and I saw that it made Venum very furious when I did that.
When me and Venum were alone in the apartment, I walked up to him and touched his shoulder. He spun around and shoved me off him. I proceeded to talk rapidly, trying to tell Venum about how my child abuse made me nervous around men and he just told me to shut up. I tried over and over to get the words out but he wouldn't listen. He proceeded to throw things around the apartment and to break things. He broke a chair and he ripped things from the wall. I started to cry and beg him to listen to me. I was shaking by the time he had pulled the blinds from the windows. He yelled and yelled about how he didn't know why he was even with me to begin with. I clung to the door because I was scared. He got in my face and then he shoved me back. I was breathing rapidly expecting him to hit me but he didn't hit me this time. He just shoved me out of the way and walked out the door. I don't know where he went but he didn't come back until it was night.
Fall
Venum managed to get a job behind Chez Place at the Shell station. He would be working first shift and I would continue to work at the plant on second shift. Things were changing again...and as you must know by now..change was not easy for me. We planned to talk to each other on my breaks when he would page me. We both had pagers and we would alert each other when we wanted to talk and the other one would get to a pay phone and make the call. That was the way before cell phones...that was the way we were able to talk during this time. While I was at work, Venum would hang out with people at our apartment and get high and drink. When I would come home...there were strangers for the most part in my living room. I don't mean two or three strange people...but at least 8 strangers would be lounging all over the couches, the chairs and sitting in the floor. Most nights, I would come in and sit in the corner looking at my fish in the aquarium. I could hear them talking but I would try so hard to drown our their voices. I didn't feel like I belonged in my own house. After several nights of feeling panicky, I requested that Venum send his friends home before I came in. I didn't know them, they were trampling all over my things, draggin in mud on my floor and Venum was not cleaning up after them at all. I wanted to be able to come home and feel comfortable and have down time for myself. I often came home to loud mouth strangers spilling beer and fighting in my living room. I didn't think my request was all that bad...apparently Venum did. AFter sending them home a couple times, they all went back to their routine of hanging out in the apartment even hours after I had come home. Sometimes, I even tried to sleep and I could hear them ranting in the front room. It seemed that Venum had no respect for what I needed or wanted.
ONe night, I stood from my chair by the aquarium and walked out into the living room. I stood there looking down at all the idiots and wishing I could just throw them out. But I was quiet...just standing there and I even smiled. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me. I snatched a bottle from the nearest kid and downed the rest of his beer.
"I really think everyone should fuck off." I stated in a very sweet voice. Venum starred up at me and was kind of surprised by my actions.
At first they just starred at me too and then one by one...they left.
1995
fall
My mother had another doctor's appointment and so I decided to go with her this time. While we were waiting in the waiting room, she talked about mundane things and how much she had missed me lately. I just sat there thinking about her condition and wondering what it was, exactly. I would have missed what she was saying if I had not have noticed the word "baby." Because of my dreams lately, I picked out the single word in her conversation.
"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" Mom said as she looked down at her hands folded upon her large belly.
I was taken aback by her words and so I just looked toward her. She turned to me and spoke again.
"I know you lost your baby, sherrie." Her peircing black eyes grew small and she just waited for me to answer.
I frowned then spoke. "I ...uh, I ...I just didn't want to worry you, Moma." I frowned and then looked at her again.
"How did you know I was pregnant?"
She laughed and then let out a great sigh. "I know lots of things about you. No one tells me things, I just know."
I smiled a sickly smile and realized somthing else about my mother. Her eyes were like mine...yes, they were black, deep and big like a baby doll...this is true. But they were like mine in other ways. Mother knew things like I knew things. Mother knew things in ways that most people don't like to talk about. Mother was not just mother...as I was not just me.
I wondered if she had an other and I thought I saw it in her eyes.
Did something else take control of her when she felt weak...I never knew, I did not know...I would never get the chance to find out.
1995
fall
The pain was almost gone and I was almost living a normal existence...well, as normal as a drug dealing, crazy girl with bi sexual tendencies can be. I started to cook more often and experiment with different recipes. I even realized that cooking was something that I really liked to do. I would make meals for Venum and leave them for him when I would go to work. Sometimes, I would carry meals to work for him. I took pride in doing nice things for him because no matter what happened...I loved him. I can say that at this time in my life, I had thoughts for no other.
That thing that happened
Venum had this friend named Joe. Joe was a drunkard. Yes, I know that all of our friend drank at some time or the other but Joe was bad....he was really bad. One day he came to the apartment with a red rose. He said he had bought the rose for his girlfriend but he had decided to give it to me. I really did not like the idea and so I tried to give it back to him. Venum told me to take it and so I did.
Every time that Joe came by he couldn't keep his hands off me. He loved to touch my waist, my shoulders and my head. He had to always have a hug from me and he called it just "friendly". I started to get irritated by the fact that he wouldn't stop touching me. I asked him to stop and he didn't stop...in fact Venum got angry at me for over reacting and said that he wasn't hurting me. I would look to Venum with a pleading look in my eyes and I tried to convey how bad it made me feel for Joe to touch me. He simply found it ridiculous that I was complaining. At some point, I told Joe to leave because I did not like him touching me. He did leave and I saw that it made Venum very furious when I did that.
When me and Venum were alone in the apartment, I walked up to him and touched his shoulder. He spun around and shoved me off him. I proceeded to talk rapidly, trying to tell Venum about how my child abuse made me nervous around men and he just told me to shut up. I tried over and over to get the words out but he wouldn't listen. He proceeded to throw things around the apartment and to break things. He broke a chair and he ripped things from the wall. I started to cry and beg him to listen to me. I was shaking by the time he had pulled the blinds from the windows. He yelled and yelled about how he didn't know why he was even with me to begin with. I clung to the door because I was scared. He got in my face and then he shoved me back. I was breathing rapidly expecting him to hit me but he didn't hit me this time. He just shoved me out of the way and walked out the door. I don't know where he went but he didn't come back until it was night.
78
1995
fall
And so you have it..my mother was sick. But I went about life as if nothing was wrong with her. Eventually my bleeding stopped and the only recollection of my abortion, for a while, were the dreams I continued to have. Venum went about his life drinking and hanging out with his friends...and rendering chaos.
Chez Place became a community to us. In fact, Venum made a new acquaintence every day. One of the first people that we met was Margie. Margie lived next door to us as first, with her boyfriend Ted. She fast became friends with Venum but rarely talked to me all that much. I will admit, I had became a little withdrawn and didn't trust many people...but that was not all of the story. Every day that went by, Marg and Venum became closer. On several days I could hear her calling him from across the apartment complex in a sort of sing song voice. Jealousy reared its head and I turned further inward. Marg became friends with Doug, a trucker from the east side of the apartments and so Venum became acquainted with him as well. Then there was Tony who was a drunken idiot who lived with Doug...thus he joined the group. After two or three weeks; Lily, Alan and Paul moved in beside Doug and Tony. The group grew to larger proportions as the days went by. I watched on in the background..calculating and paying attention to details. Over the course of time, that fall...Venum spent more time with his friends than me. How did I deal? Did I attempt to know them, be there friends as well or to offer my hand in greeting...no, I did not. I started to feel enmity and my jealousy grew. Did I get angry? Maybe I silently grew angry and resentful....but mostly, I withdrew. When the feelings grew too strong, I argued with Venum. Was he sensitive to my feelings...NO, not at all. When it was convenient for me, I would be nice to them but when it was not, I started to write.....journal my feelings and put them away for later. I saw things that didn't seem right with Margie and Venum but I could not prove they were having sex. I even watched them kiss on the mouth on several occasions and he would tell me that they were just friends.
1995
Venum couldn't stay out of jail, for the most part. I think the first offense was driving with no license. Then it was a trip to jail for public drunk. I don't think he had a license for most of the time that we were together. He didn't seem to care either. He saw his trips to jail as being a riot...hilarious. When I would have to bail him out, he would laugh and laugh while I would fume in anger.
Most days he was drunk and not sober. His friends at the apartment stayed drunk as much as he did. I would join them when I just didn't want to face the dark alone. I found Margie to be highly irritating and only dealt with her if I had to. She seemed a few short of a whole deck in my opinion but she was giving when she felt the urge. I remember when Dexter and his brother came to live across the plaza from us. I liked Dexter but only as a friend. He seemed to be quiet and many times removed himself from the drama at the apartments. Although I thought Dexter was cool, I never spent time with him alone. I was hard on myself at times and insisted that I be faithful to Venum...even to the point of being alone when I had to be. I know it seemed a little much, but I wanted to love him and only him. I knew that my heart belonged to Venum and I guess that is why I was so hard on the things he did. I thought that he felt the same way for me but I guess he was just growing up as I was.
That thing inside would laugh and laugh at me sometimes for my timid ways. She thought I was ridiculous and did not see why I was so reserved about Venum's friends. She would push and then she would tug until I was in a corner crying. She hated to be ignored. I just didn't know what to feel at that time.
1995
Venum dropped me off at work one night when he didn't have to come in until later. After hours of working at one of my machines, I grew nervous. Venum had never shown up at work. He had dropped me off and drove off in my car to who knows where...and I had no idea where he was.
ONe of Venum's best friends was Bobby. I had to go to Bobby and find out if he had heard from Venum and of course he hadn't and so we both started to make phone calls when the superviser wasn't looking. We found Venum in jail in Tupelo for possession of cocaine. I was devastated. I never really thought that Venum was that deep in the usage of cocaine. I found out what I needed to know in order to get him out of jail and then continued to work on into the night. The janitor, who had been acquaintances with us for the time that we worked at Bio Clinic, had a talk with me about not putting up with Venum's shit. I half way listened but mostly kept thinking about just wanting to get Venum out of jail. After all I loved him with all my heart.
That night after work and after finding out that they were not going to let Venum out of jail for several days, I decided to go home with a co worker of mine, Ginger. Ginger was very good to me and so I tried to enjoy her company. While I was with her for a couple days, I went to speak with the police cheif about trying to get Venum out of jail. He informed me that my car was impounded under his charge of possession and normally, I would not have been able to get my car back. I pleaded with him and he offered to go easy on me because it was my car and not Venum's possession. He quoted a price and so I had to get up the money for both the car and for Venum's bail. I was so angry at him for what he was putting me through but none the less, I made plans to get him out of jail as soon as possible. Of course, like before, I called my aunt to help me.
I lectured Venum about what he was putting me through but he kind of shrugged it off and kissed on me...hoping to mend what he had done. He used his sweetest voice at first but when it wasn't working as he thought it should, he began to be an ass, cussing and telling me that I was being over dramatic. Then, after setting me straight, he told me to go to the beer store so he could get something to drink. He told me that he lied to the cops and told them that the rocks in the door jam was just wax from some of my candles. They couldn't have believed him but for some reason, according to Venum, they threw out the case. I never knew why this happened.
The next day at work, the plant manager made up a reason why Venum couldn't work there anymore. We all knew it was because of his cocaine charge but the Corporation would not admit to it. Apparently, Bobby, Venum's 'best friend', ratted him out to get a higher position with the company. I hated Bobby for what he done to Venum but it seems that Venum just said 'whatever'. I was taking these things upon myself to be angry. I hated Bobby, I hated the plant manager..I hated Corporate...I just hated and grew bitter. I got so angry about the whole thing that the plant manager sent me home to cool off. On the way home...driving Venum away from his last day at work....Venum mentioned how nice it would be to go to a pet store to look around. It was as if he didn't care whether he just got fired or not. And so we went.
While we were there, we met a strange snake. His name was Hissy. Hissy was a very mean tempered snake that loved to bite ...bite continuously. Me and Venum both let Hissy continuously bite us as we laughed about how mean but yet how beautiful he was. We bought Hissy and took him home with us.
1995
I started selling pills first and with Venum's trainging, I started to sell weed on occasion. I didn't sell on many occasions and it was mostly just joints...but I did sell drugs. It was the pills that I really made the money from. I had saved all my pain pills from years before and from my abortion. I beleive that I was getting 10-20 dollars a pill for some of the stronger ones and about 5 bucks a joint. I noticed that some of my actions were starting to mimick Venum's. I started having an attitude when I would talk to the older guys and I felt the thing inside come to the surface and drive the car that I called....me. I let her have the wheel and I got to know Venum's friends better.
fall
And so you have it..my mother was sick. But I went about life as if nothing was wrong with her. Eventually my bleeding stopped and the only recollection of my abortion, for a while, were the dreams I continued to have. Venum went about his life drinking and hanging out with his friends...and rendering chaos.
Chez Place became a community to us. In fact, Venum made a new acquaintence every day. One of the first people that we met was Margie. Margie lived next door to us as first, with her boyfriend Ted. She fast became friends with Venum but rarely talked to me all that much. I will admit, I had became a little withdrawn and didn't trust many people...but that was not all of the story. Every day that went by, Marg and Venum became closer. On several days I could hear her calling him from across the apartment complex in a sort of sing song voice. Jealousy reared its head and I turned further inward. Marg became friends with Doug, a trucker from the east side of the apartments and so Venum became acquainted with him as well. Then there was Tony who was a drunken idiot who lived with Doug...thus he joined the group. After two or three weeks; Lily, Alan and Paul moved in beside Doug and Tony. The group grew to larger proportions as the days went by. I watched on in the background..calculating and paying attention to details. Over the course of time, that fall...Venum spent more time with his friends than me. How did I deal? Did I attempt to know them, be there friends as well or to offer my hand in greeting...no, I did not. I started to feel enmity and my jealousy grew. Did I get angry? Maybe I silently grew angry and resentful....but mostly, I withdrew. When the feelings grew too strong, I argued with Venum. Was he sensitive to my feelings...NO, not at all. When it was convenient for me, I would be nice to them but when it was not, I started to write.....journal my feelings and put them away for later. I saw things that didn't seem right with Margie and Venum but I could not prove they were having sex. I even watched them kiss on the mouth on several occasions and he would tell me that they were just friends.
1995
Venum couldn't stay out of jail, for the most part. I think the first offense was driving with no license. Then it was a trip to jail for public drunk. I don't think he had a license for most of the time that we were together. He didn't seem to care either. He saw his trips to jail as being a riot...hilarious. When I would have to bail him out, he would laugh and laugh while I would fume in anger.
Most days he was drunk and not sober. His friends at the apartment stayed drunk as much as he did. I would join them when I just didn't want to face the dark alone. I found Margie to be highly irritating and only dealt with her if I had to. She seemed a few short of a whole deck in my opinion but she was giving when she felt the urge. I remember when Dexter and his brother came to live across the plaza from us. I liked Dexter but only as a friend. He seemed to be quiet and many times removed himself from the drama at the apartments. Although I thought Dexter was cool, I never spent time with him alone. I was hard on myself at times and insisted that I be faithful to Venum...even to the point of being alone when I had to be. I know it seemed a little much, but I wanted to love him and only him. I knew that my heart belonged to Venum and I guess that is why I was so hard on the things he did. I thought that he felt the same way for me but I guess he was just growing up as I was.
That thing inside would laugh and laugh at me sometimes for my timid ways. She thought I was ridiculous and did not see why I was so reserved about Venum's friends. She would push and then she would tug until I was in a corner crying. She hated to be ignored. I just didn't know what to feel at that time.
1995
Venum dropped me off at work one night when he didn't have to come in until later. After hours of working at one of my machines, I grew nervous. Venum had never shown up at work. He had dropped me off and drove off in my car to who knows where...and I had no idea where he was.
ONe of Venum's best friends was Bobby. I had to go to Bobby and find out if he had heard from Venum and of course he hadn't and so we both started to make phone calls when the superviser wasn't looking. We found Venum in jail in Tupelo for possession of cocaine. I was devastated. I never really thought that Venum was that deep in the usage of cocaine. I found out what I needed to know in order to get him out of jail and then continued to work on into the night. The janitor, who had been acquaintances with us for the time that we worked at Bio Clinic, had a talk with me about not putting up with Venum's shit. I half way listened but mostly kept thinking about just wanting to get Venum out of jail. After all I loved him with all my heart.
That night after work and after finding out that they were not going to let Venum out of jail for several days, I decided to go home with a co worker of mine, Ginger. Ginger was very good to me and so I tried to enjoy her company. While I was with her for a couple days, I went to speak with the police cheif about trying to get Venum out of jail. He informed me that my car was impounded under his charge of possession and normally, I would not have been able to get my car back. I pleaded with him and he offered to go easy on me because it was my car and not Venum's possession. He quoted a price and so I had to get up the money for both the car and for Venum's bail. I was so angry at him for what he was putting me through but none the less, I made plans to get him out of jail as soon as possible. Of course, like before, I called my aunt to help me.
I lectured Venum about what he was putting me through but he kind of shrugged it off and kissed on me...hoping to mend what he had done. He used his sweetest voice at first but when it wasn't working as he thought it should, he began to be an ass, cussing and telling me that I was being over dramatic. Then, after setting me straight, he told me to go to the beer store so he could get something to drink. He told me that he lied to the cops and told them that the rocks in the door jam was just wax from some of my candles. They couldn't have believed him but for some reason, according to Venum, they threw out the case. I never knew why this happened.
The next day at work, the plant manager made up a reason why Venum couldn't work there anymore. We all knew it was because of his cocaine charge but the Corporation would not admit to it. Apparently, Bobby, Venum's 'best friend', ratted him out to get a higher position with the company. I hated Bobby for what he done to Venum but it seems that Venum just said 'whatever'. I was taking these things upon myself to be angry. I hated Bobby, I hated the plant manager..I hated Corporate...I just hated and grew bitter. I got so angry about the whole thing that the plant manager sent me home to cool off. On the way home...driving Venum away from his last day at work....Venum mentioned how nice it would be to go to a pet store to look around. It was as if he didn't care whether he just got fired or not. And so we went.
While we were there, we met a strange snake. His name was Hissy. Hissy was a very mean tempered snake that loved to bite ...bite continuously. Me and Venum both let Hissy continuously bite us as we laughed about how mean but yet how beautiful he was. We bought Hissy and took him home with us.
1995
I started selling pills first and with Venum's trainging, I started to sell weed on occasion. I didn't sell on many occasions and it was mostly just joints...but I did sell drugs. It was the pills that I really made the money from. I had saved all my pain pills from years before and from my abortion. I beleive that I was getting 10-20 dollars a pill for some of the stronger ones and about 5 bucks a joint. I noticed that some of my actions were starting to mimick Venum's. I started having an attitude when I would talk to the older guys and I felt the thing inside come to the surface and drive the car that I called....me. I let her have the wheel and I got to know Venum's friends better.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
77
Fall
1995
The dreams began shortly after the abortion. They were short things at first, filled with black and white scenarios coming straight off a projector reel. I watched before me, the school yard from my high school. I saw dead leaves blow across the campus and pool in corners of the brick outside various buildings. I was walking around the campus watching empty cars and empty classrooms fill with dust.
Then my dreams changed slightly and only slightly. I saw a man whom I did not know and his name was David. Do not ask my why I knew his name for I know not the reason. He was young and built very fine with tanned brown skin. His hair was dark and shoulder length and his smile was chilling. I knew him, I knew him in my heart as something other than human. When I searched my memory, I had nothing.
I walked past him in a nervous gait hoping that he did not notice me..maybe I really wasn't a part of the dream and I was be invisible in his firmament. As I walked past him I could smell his whole being as if he was alerting me of his presence. His head turned slightly as I walked past and he laughed. I made a tour of the school yard, making my way past the Agriculture Building, the English room and past the Science lab...that is when I saw her...a small girl with dark hair and pale skin. She was beautiful and still, standing straight and serene. Her visage made me stand still in my tracks. She just stood in front of the Cafeteria and stared at me with big black eyes. I smiled but she did not smile back and so I walked toward her. As I got almost upon her, she started to panick.
"Help me...he is coming." She stared at me in fear, her little black eyes crinkled up and her mouth opened slightly. "help me please, he is almost here."
I stood still in question-head tilted to the side. I know that I tilted my head because it is a slightly annoying habit of mine. I squatted down and reached for her. She furrowed her brow and drew back in fear. She did not want me to touch her.
"Please, he is coming...now!" she leaned forward a little then released herself to trust me. "Let's go...let's leave."
I took her in my arms...he little black curls cascaded down her back and onto her maroon corduroy dress. Her white lacey sleeves were covered in some crimson stains that I felt I recognized and they suddenly made me feel sick. I looked down and the lace from beneathe her corduroy was speckled with red as well. She had no shoes and her feet were covered in the crimson blood-like stains. She trembled and I pulled her back to face me.
"Who is he... who is coming?"
She looked at me and her lips quivered. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. "He is a bad man, a devil..ma'am."
"But who is he?"
She paled suddenly and whispered. "He is death."
I woke screaming and pulling at Venum trying desperately to wake him. When he asked me what was wrong, I just told him that I had been dreaming and had a nightmare. I turned toward the wall and wept because I knew she was right and I knew something else. She was my child.
Fall
1995
The dreams changed from then on but they were none-the-less disturbing. Each night, I held a baby in my arms and then I would drop it. As I dropped the infant, it would disappear into the thin air. I searched forever in my dream and never found the baby. Every time I dreamt of the child I would wake in a chill. I had no idea that she would never leave me and she never did.
Fall
1995
Venum and I were cleaning the apartment one day and my brother called. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something really important. He said that he would be coming to visit later in the day. I could tell by his voice that he was concerned about something but I didn't know what it was. I was already rattled pretty badly by the dreams and I had not stopped bleeding like the doctor said I would. Every now and then I would cramp and the thing inside would speak.
"Stand still, chin up...be strong." I would sit straighter in my chair and inhale sharply. Venum would laugh and ask me what I was doing. I would say nothing and tell him that I was fine , just tired.
My brother arrived that afternoon and sat down on the couch. He made a little small talk and then he looked directly at me. My brother had a thing about him where he could not keep eye contact for long. I have the same thing at times as well. We are able to see things in others eyes and sometimes the things we see frighten us or make us wary that if we can do this than maybe they can as well...with this being said...we did not want others to know what dwelt in our souls. Even to each other, we were wary. My brother made eye contact with me and he spoke.
"I have something I have to tell you." He paused then he continued. "You mother went to the doctor the other day and they found a mass inside her abdomen."
I tried to understand what I was hearing but my ears started to buzz. I put my hand on my abdomen and rubbed gently. "What?"
My brother repeated himself and added detail. "Your mother went to the doctor because her feet were swelling badly and she could barely walk. YOu know how she has always had a large abdomen and...." he laughed nervously. "remember how when we went on vacation and that couple was too loud...they were discussing how large our pregnant mother was. Do you remember she cried because she wasn't pregnant..."
I remembered exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. I continued to rub my stomach. " I remember...they thought it was odd that she was hiking with us seeing as she was "so far along".
My brother nodded. "Sherrie, they found a tumor as big as a baby's head in just floating in her abdomen...there are three others too. One is attached to the main artery of her heart, the other two- her liver and one kidney." My brother looked down at his hands and bit his lip. "They are sending her to Memphis for a Biopsy.
I just sat there and rubbed my stomach. The cramps worsened but I said nothing of it.
1995
The dreams began shortly after the abortion. They were short things at first, filled with black and white scenarios coming straight off a projector reel. I watched before me, the school yard from my high school. I saw dead leaves blow across the campus and pool in corners of the brick outside various buildings. I was walking around the campus watching empty cars and empty classrooms fill with dust.
Then my dreams changed slightly and only slightly. I saw a man whom I did not know and his name was David. Do not ask my why I knew his name for I know not the reason. He was young and built very fine with tanned brown skin. His hair was dark and shoulder length and his smile was chilling. I knew him, I knew him in my heart as something other than human. When I searched my memory, I had nothing.
I walked past him in a nervous gait hoping that he did not notice me..maybe I really wasn't a part of the dream and I was be invisible in his firmament. As I walked past him I could smell his whole being as if he was alerting me of his presence. His head turned slightly as I walked past and he laughed. I made a tour of the school yard, making my way past the Agriculture Building, the English room and past the Science lab...that is when I saw her...a small girl with dark hair and pale skin. She was beautiful and still, standing straight and serene. Her visage made me stand still in my tracks. She just stood in front of the Cafeteria and stared at me with big black eyes. I smiled but she did not smile back and so I walked toward her. As I got almost upon her, she started to panick.
"Help me...he is coming." She stared at me in fear, her little black eyes crinkled up and her mouth opened slightly. "help me please, he is almost here."
I stood still in question-head tilted to the side. I know that I tilted my head because it is a slightly annoying habit of mine. I squatted down and reached for her. She furrowed her brow and drew back in fear. She did not want me to touch her.
"Please, he is coming...now!" she leaned forward a little then released herself to trust me. "Let's go...let's leave."
I took her in my arms...he little black curls cascaded down her back and onto her maroon corduroy dress. Her white lacey sleeves were covered in some crimson stains that I felt I recognized and they suddenly made me feel sick. I looked down and the lace from beneathe her corduroy was speckled with red as well. She had no shoes and her feet were covered in the crimson blood-like stains. She trembled and I pulled her back to face me.
"Who is he... who is coming?"
She looked at me and her lips quivered. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. "He is a bad man, a devil..ma'am."
"But who is he?"
She paled suddenly and whispered. "He is death."
I woke screaming and pulling at Venum trying desperately to wake him. When he asked me what was wrong, I just told him that I had been dreaming and had a nightmare. I turned toward the wall and wept because I knew she was right and I knew something else. She was my child.
Fall
1995
The dreams changed from then on but they were none-the-less disturbing. Each night, I held a baby in my arms and then I would drop it. As I dropped the infant, it would disappear into the thin air. I searched forever in my dream and never found the baby. Every time I dreamt of the child I would wake in a chill. I had no idea that she would never leave me and she never did.
Fall
1995
Venum and I were cleaning the apartment one day and my brother called. He told me that he needed to talk to me about something really important. He said that he would be coming to visit later in the day. I could tell by his voice that he was concerned about something but I didn't know what it was. I was already rattled pretty badly by the dreams and I had not stopped bleeding like the doctor said I would. Every now and then I would cramp and the thing inside would speak.
"Stand still, chin up...be strong." I would sit straighter in my chair and inhale sharply. Venum would laugh and ask me what I was doing. I would say nothing and tell him that I was fine , just tired.
My brother arrived that afternoon and sat down on the couch. He made a little small talk and then he looked directly at me. My brother had a thing about him where he could not keep eye contact for long. I have the same thing at times as well. We are able to see things in others eyes and sometimes the things we see frighten us or make us wary that if we can do this than maybe they can as well...with this being said...we did not want others to know what dwelt in our souls. Even to each other, we were wary. My brother made eye contact with me and he spoke.
"I have something I have to tell you." He paused then he continued. "You mother went to the doctor the other day and they found a mass inside her abdomen."
I tried to understand what I was hearing but my ears started to buzz. I put my hand on my abdomen and rubbed gently. "What?"
My brother repeated himself and added detail. "Your mother went to the doctor because her feet were swelling badly and she could barely walk. YOu know how she has always had a large abdomen and...." he laughed nervously. "remember how when we went on vacation and that couple was too loud...they were discussing how large our pregnant mother was. Do you remember she cried because she wasn't pregnant..."
I remembered exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. I continued to rub my stomach. " I remember...they thought it was odd that she was hiking with us seeing as she was "so far along".
My brother nodded. "Sherrie, they found a tumor as big as a baby's head in just floating in her abdomen...there are three others too. One is attached to the main artery of her heart, the other two- her liver and one kidney." My brother looked down at his hands and bit his lip. "They are sending her to Memphis for a Biopsy.
I just sat there and rubbed my stomach. The cramps worsened but I said nothing of it.
Yes...there is a thing within. It grows impatient, it grows listless and it grows....more and more each day. It does not share its host with alien life forms.
I see it, sitting in the darkness with gossamyr wings. It licks its claws and then smiles at me. I see the crimson on its lips and I know it will not be sated for long. I turn around in the darkenss and notice that there are twinkling shiney things drifting down from the heavens...dark heavens filled with stars. I think for a moment that maybe the sky has fallen and the stars are coming down to greet me. I turn toward the creature which is me and she smiles. I notice that she is surrounded by the twinkling and shining things...like a dust... a shimmering beautiful dust. She speaks to me and it sounds like tinkling bells chiming in the distance; but I cannot understand what she says.
She stands, languidly strolling toward me as her wings flutter behind her. I see her lips purse and she says..."shhh"
One finger reaches up and brushes my cheek lovingly and then she leans in to kiss me. Her mouth is very near my ear and so she speaks again.
"Do not deny me...and I shall not deny you."
She backs away and disappears. I am in darkness again.
I begin to scratch my arms. I do not stop until I feel the blood trickle down onto my feet
I see it, sitting in the darkness with gossamyr wings. It licks its claws and then smiles at me. I see the crimson on its lips and I know it will not be sated for long. I turn around in the darkenss and notice that there are twinkling shiney things drifting down from the heavens...dark heavens filled with stars. I think for a moment that maybe the sky has fallen and the stars are coming down to greet me. I turn toward the creature which is me and she smiles. I notice that she is surrounded by the twinkling and shining things...like a dust... a shimmering beautiful dust. She speaks to me and it sounds like tinkling bells chiming in the distance; but I cannot understand what she says.
She stands, languidly strolling toward me as her wings flutter behind her. I see her lips purse and she says..."shhh"
One finger reaches up and brushes my cheek lovingly and then she leans in to kiss me. Her mouth is very near my ear and so she speaks again.
"Do not deny me...and I shall not deny you."
She backs away and disappears. I am in darkness again.
I begin to scratch my arms. I do not stop until I feel the blood trickle down onto my feet
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