9

If I was to say that I remember everything at any given time, then I would be a liar. There are parts of me that crave to remember while other parts beg to forget. I
can understand each sensation of loss and gain filter throughout my body, every day. I reach for reasons for the darkness and the sadness but find so very few floating
on the surface. I dig deeper to find the reasons for my mania and find a mental disorder waiting there for me. A broken thing which churns out putrid bats, spiders and
worms. I cringe at the thought of losing myself inside that convoluting machine.

1980

The fog had shifted a bit allowing in memories so heinous and ugly that I rather forget. But it won't let me, he won't let me forget. Death was hiding behind the trees
in the backyard one day and he introduced himself to me.
I loved to play in the backyard at an old sink that my father used to clean animals that he killed while hunting. I would collect old antique bottles that I found
around my grandmother's house and I would fill them with mixtures of water and mud. I found so many colorful bottles of blue, green and black that were almost in
pristine condition. I oft times stole into the old shed in the backyard and pull out beautiful old liquir bottles and claimed them as well. I would fill them full of
liquid dirt and leaves and label them as my poison bottles. Whenever I was alone I gave poison to my dolls and then watched them die. One by one, I would scold them and
lay them down beneathe the big peacan tree and then I would walk onto the trail and hide there till mom called me for dinner.

I loved this game and he did too. I saw him hiding one day just past the bend in the trail behind the old sink. At first I thought he was Cami's brother but he
disappeared like he was dust evaporating in the sun. My heart was thundering in my chest and wanting to jump out, running ahead of me. But I watched as each and every
particle evaporated; death, my new friend, was gone. But he wouldn't be able to stay away.
the summer

Cami was mean to me. I do not know if she practiced her cruelty or if she just had a sudden urge to torture others. I was her pet and I did whatever she asked of me
because I was scared of what she might do to me. I remember when we played dolls and she had to have what she wanted. I had to dress them in the ways that she wished, I
had to name them as she wanted and I was at her beckoning on everything. I Felt the need at first to obey Cami, wanting so badly to please her and make her like me
more. Her brother was mean to both of us as well, always trying to hold her down and do bad unbrotherly things to her. ONe time he started to touch me but moma came in
the room. I think he was afraid of my mother, she always had some herb or animal part in her hand when she scolded us.

Cami told me that she and her brother would do things that they weren't supposed to and that I should never tell her grandmother about it. She said her brother touched
her privates. Whenever she would start talking, I would drift away and think of death. I wondered if death liked to watch George touching me. I wondered if death was
kind. I didn't know he was death then, but I do know now. I know that death has always been with me since my first breath. I know that when I inhaled, fresh from my
mother's womb, that death captured that breath and recorded who I was.

1980

Daddy loved to tickle me. He would hold me down and count my ribs until I screamed. Me and daddy would lay across his bed and play silly games for hours. He had this
one game he loved to play where he could stick out his tongue and only when I would pull his chin, would he put his tongue back into his mouth. Then If I pulled his
cheek he would stick out his tongue again, but to the side I was pulling. If i pulled the other cheek he would switch his tongue to that side as well. If I pulled his
nose, he would close his eyes. It was a game that made me giggle so hard, my tummy would hurt.
One day, it was different. Daddy was playing his games with me when suddenly he grabbed my tummy a little too low. I think it was an accident but I punched him in his
face. IN return he punched me back. I was only 6 years old.