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Burleson's rentals

1996

Our neighbors were odd in my opinion. Sometimes when they smiled, they smiled as if they had a very dark secret. But who am I to judge, maybe we all had very dark secrets at this point. The female was blonde and the male had auburn hair and a mustache. They smiled a lot and seemed to be happy to have neighbors just a wall away. We asked them all sorts of questions about the neighborhood and they said it was quiet for the most part. They were friendly, but they didn't ask us over very often. They would just smile and go back inside...it reminded me of the Invader of the body snatchers. They had cute little names though- Pam and Sam...how flippin cute huh...

In our duplex there was a wrap around couch and a stove in the kitchen. Most other things we had to furnish for ourselves. There was, however, a bed in what was to be our bedroom and that was a relief. We made ourselves at home and I cooked my first meal there...I do not remember what it was but I know that it was home made. I was nesting which means I was cleaning and cooking all the time.


Summer

1996

Since my mother had cancer, they were planning to do chemotherapy. The doctors absolutely refused to do surgery on my mother because the large benign tumor was in the way of the other smaller cancerous ones. She started the treatments and started to feel really badly. Her food lost its taste and her muscles became weakened from the chemicals entering her body. I kept in touch with my  mother by talking to my brother but never went home for a visit. I know that I was not welcome home anymore and my mother was so sick. I do know, however that I was very clingy with Venum around this time and wanted so much for us to become a normal family and so I focused most of my energy on this. It was just me and him, afterall. There was no dark thing inside anymore and I do not know where I actually sent her to...I just knew that she was gone. I think, in some way, I was in denial of mymother's illness as I was in denial of my father's disownment. I never really thought about losing my parents...never before and I didn't think about it then either. I just thought that all would be well someday...and that brings me to explain why my father disowned me. It was because of my love for a man of another color.


1996

One night in the summer

I remembered something from the past...something while living at Chez place. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and I first found out about mother's illness. I traveled home to see her one weekend while Venum was at his grandmother's house. I carried my large poetry book with me in case I wanted to record anything while visiting. On the second day taht i was there, I decided to take a walk into the woods behind my house as I used to do when I was younger. It was a nice walk and I noticed tears in my eyes from thinking of things in the past. I couldn't stay away long because I needed to spend time with my poor mother. She seemed pretty chipper that day but I just wanted to be with her.

When I returned to the house, my father was sitting in his recliner and he had a strange look on his face. The look frightened me...yes, as an adult my father still frightened me. I moved quietly through the living room on my way to the kitchen to see my mother. As I started to leave the room, he called my name. I turned and he was standing. He held my poetry book in his hand and his hand was quivering.

"I read your Satanic writings. I am appalled at the horrible things that you say and the horrible things that you have done, young lady." My father spoke and he had tears in his eyes. He shook all over.
It took me a minute to realize exactly what my father was talking about. I looked down at my poetry book and wondered what he was going to do with it. He chunked it in the floor and walked toward me.

"And...I know about your little white nigger. I know all about those white niggers!" my father's face turned red and he pushed me toward the door. He spoke again as he stopped pushing me. "you and that filthy book, there, are the reasons your mother is dying...I hope you know that! I saw those things in there...I saw what you said about your mother, about me....you hate us!"

My father picked up my poetry book and opened the front door. He chunked my book as hard as he could out of the front door. Then he turned my around by my shoulders and shoved me out the front door as well. I could hear my mother crying from behind him begging him not to hurt me. The he shoved me down the four steps that led off the porch. I tripped and fell. When I got myself back up I saw him holding my mother back from helping me. I picked up my poetry book and left. On the way home, I wept. I did nothing but weep because I felt like nothing I could do was right. My parents hated me, they hated my husband and they hated everything I stood for...my writings were satanic scribbles to them .....they did not see the voice of my soul as my freedom. They saw my writings as a way of my undoing and their undoing. They saw me as a monster who was writing things to cause my mother to die.


1996

I decided that I was going to breast feed when the baby came. I went to all my meetings at the Save a life clinic and I was learning so very much about motherhood. I started doing bible studies everyday. I had to complete questions after every section that I read. I had to read through verses and little stories that explained different scenarios about how to be a better person...a godly person. I fought these things for a very long time, after all I only did this to get free things for my baby. I had no interest in God any more than my atheist boyfriend. I would grudgingly do my assignments and then carry on with life. I would pick up breast pumps, diapers, formula and other things for the baby on each trip to the clinic and I would feel proud for this. I applied to Wic, which was food assistance for needy mothers. I arranged a place in our bedroom for the baby...a little corner for him to enjoy. Venum bought a bassinet for Damian's first bed and it was so adorable to me. I would sit and rub my tummy while looking at the bassinet. I would talk to Damian about everythign that I was thinking. I even purchased a walkman and would put large headphones against my belly so that Damian could listen to bands like Led Zepplin and artists such as Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. There were so many other types of music that I let him listen to as I sat and watched the beautiful weather. I remember when I first felt him move inside of me. That very moment, I was amazed as I had never been amazed before. I had never felt such a sensation...it was as if there were wings fluttering inside of me. For a moment, I had a horrible thought...I thought of the thing... the silly, dark thing...and I thought about those wings. Was she still here...somewhere...was she inside me? Did Damian see her? And worse yet, would she be part of him too? I shivered at the thought and then Venum walked in the door. So, I had to pretend again.


1996

Venum never stopped drinking. Venum never stopped smoking pot and worse yet, he never stopped selling it either. I would sit for hours alone at home while he was out doing things that I may never understand or know about. Most of the time, he didn't come home from work until late. I would cook for him every day when I was pregnant and sometimes the food would grow cold waiting for him. We were not at the duplex long either until we foudn out that we had a pest problem. One night when I cooked, I noticed that we had roaches. I didn't think it was a huge problem so I put out poison for them. But everything I tried did not work. So, I really couldn't leave out food for long. If VEnum was to be out too long, I had to just put everything away. When he came home, sometimes he didn't even eat. I learned over time that summer that he was selling drugs as much as he had done before. He stayed out late lots of times as he drank with friends. I stayed at home, cleaned and cooked and talked to Damian. I wanted things to be different but when I tried to talk to Venum he would grow angry and leave again. When he would leave out of anger, he wouldn't come back until very late into the night. Once he got so drunk that he ran his car off the road and walked home. He was so drunk that he really didn't care if he got his car back. I remember going with him to catch a ride to pick up his car. He didn't seem too concerned. To him, it was rather funny.

1996

I do not remember what the argument was really about but I know that it pertained to Venum's drinking. I tried to approach the subject and talk about how we should grow up for the baby's sake. I just remember that Venum grew so angry that he pushed me out of the bed and onto the floor because I wanted him to talk to me. I just sat there and cried, heartbroken, until I finally just went into the living room to be alone for a while. I think I slept on the couch that night.