2009
I never intended to try and take anyone's place. I knew these men, but how well I knew them was possibly questionable. I listened to their problems and they opened up to me...at least some of them did that. When they would open up to me about their problems, i refused to join them in their criticism because I felt that it was not my place to do so. Even though, at times, I brought these men pleasure, I still did not choose to downgrade their lives without me. I was simply the daark faerie. Sometimes I think I may have only been entertainment for those who were unfulfilled, bored or just disfunctional. I think that is why I question others of their true intentions so much of the time. Sometimes, when getting to know these men, I did not know if I was simply a fantasy for them or if I was more ...if I really had substance. I imagined that when they turned off that computer, I did, in fact, disappear.
There were flip sides that I learned from my adventures in web cam modeling. I learned that maybe those other women whom Venum had been with ..maybe they did understand things about him that I could not. I saw things from different perspectives and I saw things as someone else. I saw as the daark faerie...then I saw as Anna in her hopeless logic. My views changed rapidly and I even grew jealous at times of others who were online with my male customers and male friends. I then would take a break, take a step back and realize what I was doing. But it grew late in my musings and I fell in love. I fell in love over and over with them...they were beautiful to me. They were beautiful because they bared their souls in the way they wrote and the way their eyes met mine. I saw there deeply within that we were crossing lines. Things would get complicated but I could not undo what was done. I could not unlove what I already loved. It was an exotic and enduring disease.
I never hated the wives as some women do. I never wanted to take things from them that was rightfully theirs. I only wanted to love their husbands because my heart told me to. I wanted to bring happiness where happiness was needed. I never really fooled myself into believing that I could do anything differently or better than was already being done. It is just he pain in their faces, their eyes and the sorrow in their voices...and worst of all...the emptiness in their typed words. These things hurt me and I just had to try and make it better. When they hurt, I hurt....when they were sad I could not stand the pull at my heart strings. But I was never under the impression that I could do any better than anyone at all. Through these men, I learned to love the ones who loved them. It was strange but it was real. There were secrets but there was never ever ill intent nor ill will for the sanctity of anything. I saw freedom as pure freedom and it was so contagious that I wanted these men to know what freedom was because it was happiness. When the conversations lasted well into the night and when my fingers typed away...when I lay naked before my computer screen while one of my beloved would sing a lullabye to me...I even fell asleep while they watched me. From thousands of miles away, the ones whom I loved and shared with another would watch the sunrise while I brought myself to pleasure for the third times in hours. Finally, when neither of us could stay awake any longer, we said ttyl...but never goodbye. Do I feel guilty...yes. Do I regret what I did...no. For I would not have had it any differently.
And so I grew to forgive Venum but I was not going to stay with him. I had fallen out of love with him and I knew that. There was nothing I could do. These men heard my story adn they stayed with me as long as I needed. I was their sweetheart, their baby, their princess and cinderella. I have heard these names before and when I hear them again...I smile. They are embedded into my heart as terms of endearment...as love. I have heard cutie, and darling and my little fairy...and these simple things leave a sweet taste in my mouth and a skip to my walk.
In my dreams, I stay warm by the fire of my heart.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
143
2009
I awaited the time that I was to be face to face with this thing. The Trionders were there...always. I looked to them for my solace and balance. Within the fatasical world of writing and the forums, Spirit cavorted like a mad woman. She had decided that her place was to rule the forums...Triond and whatever forums she hapt upon. She was deliriously happy to say the least and she went from writer to writer...cyber fucking and owning her victims. She was amazing and she was free. Outside of the forum, she was much more dormant than before...oddly satisfied with her ability to vent and enjoy her magical world. And her world became more real as I wrote the descriptions of her magical realm. I made up everything as I went along...not using any of the facts that I knew to be true of her honest identity and origin. I created monstrous mushrooms on which she plopped her magical little ass. She would flutter those silly little wings that changed color according to her moods. Her fairy dust drifted down onto the forest floor as she twirled and skipped around her victims. And they melted...each and every one of them melted at her feet and kissed her little fairy feet. She would giggle in delight and then pull them from their knees. There in the forest of Illyria, she would kiss their lips and where her sweet kiss was placed, their skin would tingle from the magic of the touch. Her hands grabbed hold of their shirts pulled them to her and she would bite deeply into the soft flesh of their throats and satisfy her hunger. As she sucked the blood from them she would fuck them and their climax would match her moans of satisfied hunger. She didn't kill them, there in that forest in Illyria; she would just give to them the darkened and strange fantasy of a pleasure that was just outside of their understanding. And they would know her for what she really was...and they would love her regardless.
Bo (the big cat)
I called him on the phone for the first time. He lived in San Diego California. He had asked me time and again to call him sometimes and I did that very thing. When he heard my voice for the first time, he was amazed.
"Oh my god", he would say..."you are a REAL life southern belle."
I would just laugh and reply to his sillyness. "Ha! Not quite, my love...I am not quite a lady as that."
We would talk and for days afterwards...we would talk for hours. I never knew how much I would grow to love this man.
And I would not fully appreciate him until he was gone.
Sometimes, its just too late to say I love you.
I awaited the time that I was to be face to face with this thing. The Trionders were there...always. I looked to them for my solace and balance. Within the fatasical world of writing and the forums, Spirit cavorted like a mad woman. She had decided that her place was to rule the forums...Triond and whatever forums she hapt upon. She was deliriously happy to say the least and she went from writer to writer...cyber fucking and owning her victims. She was amazing and she was free. Outside of the forum, she was much more dormant than before...oddly satisfied with her ability to vent and enjoy her magical world. And her world became more real as I wrote the descriptions of her magical realm. I made up everything as I went along...not using any of the facts that I knew to be true of her honest identity and origin. I created monstrous mushrooms on which she plopped her magical little ass. She would flutter those silly little wings that changed color according to her moods. Her fairy dust drifted down onto the forest floor as she twirled and skipped around her victims. And they melted...each and every one of them melted at her feet and kissed her little fairy feet. She would giggle in delight and then pull them from their knees. There in the forest of Illyria, she would kiss their lips and where her sweet kiss was placed, their skin would tingle from the magic of the touch. Her hands grabbed hold of their shirts pulled them to her and she would bite deeply into the soft flesh of their throats and satisfy her hunger. As she sucked the blood from them she would fuck them and their climax would match her moans of satisfied hunger. She didn't kill them, there in that forest in Illyria; she would just give to them the darkened and strange fantasy of a pleasure that was just outside of their understanding. And they would know her for what she really was...and they would love her regardless.
Bo (the big cat)
I called him on the phone for the first time. He lived in San Diego California. He had asked me time and again to call him sometimes and I did that very thing. When he heard my voice for the first time, he was amazed.
"Oh my god", he would say..."you are a REAL life southern belle."
I would just laugh and reply to his sillyness. "Ha! Not quite, my love...I am not quite a lady as that."
We would talk and for days afterwards...we would talk for hours. I never knew how much I would grow to love this man.
And I would not fully appreciate him until he was gone.
Sometimes, its just too late to say I love you.
The nature of the beast
Maybe, I am bad. Maybe I am a demon.
I saw the picture that Rides Lightning drew of Spirit. I heard his words spoken softly in my ear and I turned away from those words. I know what Spirit is and I know where she comes from....he told me.
But it's a secret and I don't tell secrets.
It is not my human nature to hurt others... but I do. I cannot control my anger sometimes and things get ugly. She is with me now, she has done her damage...and all I can do is cry.
Because you cannot take those things back that hurt others...it fades, yes it does...but it is still done.
I apologize, not only for my stupidity. I apologize for everything that had made you hate me.
sometimes, I wanna go away and never ccome back because I cannot be anything but me and I cannot love anything but what my heart loves and it is killing me.
I just want to fade and be forgotten.
can you help me....because the cancer grows.
I saw the picture that Rides Lightning drew of Spirit. I heard his words spoken softly in my ear and I turned away from those words. I know what Spirit is and I know where she comes from....he told me.
But it's a secret and I don't tell secrets.
It is not my human nature to hurt others... but I do. I cannot control my anger sometimes and things get ugly. She is with me now, she has done her damage...and all I can do is cry.
Because you cannot take those things back that hurt others...it fades, yes it does...but it is still done.
I apologize, not only for my stupidity. I apologize for everything that had made you hate me.
sometimes, I wanna go away and never ccome back because I cannot be anything but me and I cannot love anything but what my heart loves and it is killing me.
I just want to fade and be forgotten.
can you help me....because the cancer grows.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
142
2009
Summer
I went through the motions with church service. I stood singing the songs back in with the congregation. No longer did I stand apart and get standing ovations. I got looks but they werent of respect...more so of repulsion. Oh, how could someone like me ever dream of being with someone as innocent as Gavin? I saw their faces and I read their minds. I never understood how this happened but I would sit in service and something would tug on my sleeve and I would turn. I would see one of the youth staring at me in disgust and I could hear her thoughts. She found me to be a horrible person and could not contemplate such as union as I had wished to have with Gavin. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend that seeing her thoughts was impossible. I tried to tell myself that the devil wanted me to hear these things and they were false. And so I would turn and sing the songs with the others again. Then spirit would come and sit beside me and whisper funny things in my ear and tell me that she loved me. The songs were full of the word 'spirit' and my other would laugh and squeal every time that I sang the word. Spirit tugged on me and took control of my hips. I would sway and then smile. To hide my impatient yearnings, I raised my hands in worship and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to get closer to God and find what he wanted for Sherrie to do. I was overrun with people in my head...yes, overrun by three individuals who were presently trying to make a mockery of me in the sanctuary.
"But, I am not doing anything, Sherrie." Anna turned toward me and frowned. She was sitting where Spirit sat just moments before and she was wringing her hands in frustration. Her fingernails were still caked in blood and gore where she had tried to fight off her murderer. I smiled and then looked toward the worship and praise group on the stage.
"Not you, Anna....it's Spirit, she is bored again."
Anna reached over and caressed my hand....her hand was so cold. "It's okay...just give her time to adjust to her new found freedom and she will calm down."
I nodded my head and noticed that the pastor's wife was starring at me with a confused look. I wondered had she seen me conversing with someone who wasn't really there. I was nervous.
After service, no one really wanted to hug me and so I hugged a few and then went into the bathroom. After regaining my composure, I got the kids and went home.
2009
Summer
I read the bible over and over. I wanted to reconnect with my church family. I wanted so badly to feel normal and fit in for the children. I missed teaching the children and I missed singing. I wanted those things back but I had no idea how I was supposed to achieve these things. I wanted to talk to Spirit and try to work some compromise out so that I could function more normally. When she was around, I was a raving lunatic, dancing through the grocery store in nothing more than a thin sundress and going commmando. The wind would blow up my dress and I would moon half the parking lot. She would stand defiantly at face to chest level with some 6 ft tall, 350 pound man and tell him where to get off. If she hadn't been cute and he hadn't laughed at her, she would have been pounded into the pavement by now. She would giggle every single time someone said the word, "spirit"...even when it was in the context of the father, the son and the holey ghost. She loved the SOAD song, chop suey because of the part about why the father had foresaken her and how I would give unto his hands....my Spirit. She was ridiculous to say the least..but highly seductive and almost irresistable. And she was very powerful by then....strong and unrelenting...so how would I go about having this little talk with her? And then, I found the solution...meds.
2009
Summer
I went to the doctor for the first time in years...i mean the crazy doctor of course and i wanted to know what i should do. I hid some things from her....things that were irrelevant. But I was diagnosed once more with manic depression. She told me that there was a way to stop what was going on with my rapid cycling. Of course, I lied about how fast I really changed because according to what I have read...bipolars do not cycle as I do. I changed rapidly and randomly back and forth....during the day, during the week...or whatever the others saw fit to do. But she told me that the meds she had would make it easier for me to function in life and stay focused.
I heard Spirit whimpering and saw her give me puppy dog eyes and so I left the doctor's office with nothing but a report. I would just have to talk to Spirit alone and see what sort of compromise we could come to with the new information and options that I had just been given to me.
I parked behind the bathrooms at the park where there were very few people passing by. I adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could see my eyes and then addressed her.
"So, the thing is...I know you are strong, maybe even stronger than me but I have to do something different in order to survive in this world. It is unforgiving, you know. I cannot just run around doing as I wish all the time. I have to keep order in my brain for me and most of all, for the kids. I need to talk to you without fighting with you. I need some sort of compromise with you. Can you please, meet me in the middle?"
I felt her stir and then I saw her. She looked at me in the mirror and she smiled. She was angry, she was hurt and yet, she was frightened. "I know what you are going to do to me." she started, "I know that you are going to kill me. And this time, I cannot stop you. The first moment that I relinquish my hold on you, you will kill me."
Suddenly, I felt guilty. I felt as though I had betrayed a friend...a feirce and angry friend, but a friend all the same.
"I don't wanna do it, Spirit...but you are going to kill me if I don't do something different."
Her eyes softened and fairy dust drifted down before her face. I saw a tear in her eye and then it quickly disappeared. She smiled and giggled. "Okay...Okay...what do I have to do to keep those horrid things from your body? I do not wish to die...I want to live...live as never before...I want to skip and to play in the...
"That's just it, Spirit....they will not accept you." I turned to see if she was in the back seat and she wasn't. I got out of the car and just walked. She was still there with me. I dropped my hand and I felt her hand entwin with mine and she squeezed. Something from long ago hugged my heart and I couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry as I walked into the stand of pines. I saw myself as that little girl so long ago when Spirit first came to me. I felt her arms around me and I sat down hard against a tree. "help me...help me to save you and to keep you sacred in my heart." I pleaded.
I felt Spirit's hand on my face and I cried harder. "I am sorry...I only anger when I fell contained...when I feel you are trying to smother me out. I want my freedom, dear self....I want to live as you do. I will never be the original and do you know how that makes me feel? I am what you wanted to be and the darkness enters me and drives me to do things to survive. I am not self destructive...I am a beast....do not deny me my nature."
I looked into the swaying leaves and there she was...Spirit...she was everywhere in the freedom of everything...and everything was a beast...a beautiful beast which only wished to survive. "Can you please conform just enough that I can blend in to society? I have to be normal for the babies."
"I will not conform...but I will adapt, if you can take that for your answer and your compliance. Spirit moved through the wood of the trunk of the tree and through my feet. I felt the tingle pass up and through my groin. I lifted my pelvis and moaned as she wavered there in my sex. I thought that I would climax there on the spot but then she moved up my belly and into my heart. I heard the butterfly wings beating and then skipping in rhythm.
"That is what I am talking about, Spirit. I cannot just have an orgasm right here in the middle of the park against a tree. I have to blend in and stop drawing so much attention to myself...at least locally.
Spirit spoke "Okay, I know what to do. Just please, please...do not take the wolfsbane." she giggled and then I realized what she had said.
"Very funny, Spirit...very funny. Since when are you a werewolf?"
Spirit fluttered her wings inside my heart and whispered to me. "Since, whenever I want. I am your wildest dreams and your darkest fantasies. I can run through the night baying at the moon and I can drain you of all your lifes energy with my little bittie fairy fangs...and I will always be Spirit and I walk among the dead....just as your little bastard shaman told you. So please...please don't take those pills. I don't want to die."
I smiled and nodded with agreement. "very well, let's go do the laundry."
2009
Fall
But I had changed already. The imprint was permanent and It showed. Something had hardened there within my heart. Everytime that I recieved an email from Venum, I was to the point and he noticed my coldness. He kept asking me what was wrong with me and wasn't I happy to hear from him. He called more and more and sent more emails wanting to know why I seemed so different and I just told him that nothing was wrong. I don't even think I knew what was wrong. I was just different...changing. I started to see that I could survive on my own and it made me see Venum in a different light.
Right then and there, I made the decision. I didn't know when, I didn't know how...but I was going to leave Venum.
Summer
I went through the motions with church service. I stood singing the songs back in with the congregation. No longer did I stand apart and get standing ovations. I got looks but they werent of respect...more so of repulsion. Oh, how could someone like me ever dream of being with someone as innocent as Gavin? I saw their faces and I read their minds. I never understood how this happened but I would sit in service and something would tug on my sleeve and I would turn. I would see one of the youth staring at me in disgust and I could hear her thoughts. She found me to be a horrible person and could not contemplate such as union as I had wished to have with Gavin. I swallowed hard and tried to pretend that seeing her thoughts was impossible. I tried to tell myself that the devil wanted me to hear these things and they were false. And so I would turn and sing the songs with the others again. Then spirit would come and sit beside me and whisper funny things in my ear and tell me that she loved me. The songs were full of the word 'spirit' and my other would laugh and squeal every time that I sang the word. Spirit tugged on me and took control of my hips. I would sway and then smile. To hide my impatient yearnings, I raised my hands in worship and closed my eyes. I tried so hard to get closer to God and find what he wanted for Sherrie to do. I was overrun with people in my head...yes, overrun by three individuals who were presently trying to make a mockery of me in the sanctuary.
"But, I am not doing anything, Sherrie." Anna turned toward me and frowned. She was sitting where Spirit sat just moments before and she was wringing her hands in frustration. Her fingernails were still caked in blood and gore where she had tried to fight off her murderer. I smiled and then looked toward the worship and praise group on the stage.
"Not you, Anna....it's Spirit, she is bored again."
Anna reached over and caressed my hand....her hand was so cold. "It's okay...just give her time to adjust to her new found freedom and she will calm down."
I nodded my head and noticed that the pastor's wife was starring at me with a confused look. I wondered had she seen me conversing with someone who wasn't really there. I was nervous.
After service, no one really wanted to hug me and so I hugged a few and then went into the bathroom. After regaining my composure, I got the kids and went home.
2009
Summer
I read the bible over and over. I wanted to reconnect with my church family. I wanted so badly to feel normal and fit in for the children. I missed teaching the children and I missed singing. I wanted those things back but I had no idea how I was supposed to achieve these things. I wanted to talk to Spirit and try to work some compromise out so that I could function more normally. When she was around, I was a raving lunatic, dancing through the grocery store in nothing more than a thin sundress and going commmando. The wind would blow up my dress and I would moon half the parking lot. She would stand defiantly at face to chest level with some 6 ft tall, 350 pound man and tell him where to get off. If she hadn't been cute and he hadn't laughed at her, she would have been pounded into the pavement by now. She would giggle every single time someone said the word, "spirit"...even when it was in the context of the father, the son and the holey ghost. She loved the SOAD song, chop suey because of the part about why the father had foresaken her and how I would give unto his hands....my Spirit. She was ridiculous to say the least..but highly seductive and almost irresistable. And she was very powerful by then....strong and unrelenting...so how would I go about having this little talk with her? And then, I found the solution...meds.
2009
Summer
I went to the doctor for the first time in years...i mean the crazy doctor of course and i wanted to know what i should do. I hid some things from her....things that were irrelevant. But I was diagnosed once more with manic depression. She told me that there was a way to stop what was going on with my rapid cycling. Of course, I lied about how fast I really changed because according to what I have read...bipolars do not cycle as I do. I changed rapidly and randomly back and forth....during the day, during the week...or whatever the others saw fit to do. But she told me that the meds she had would make it easier for me to function in life and stay focused.
I heard Spirit whimpering and saw her give me puppy dog eyes and so I left the doctor's office with nothing but a report. I would just have to talk to Spirit alone and see what sort of compromise we could come to with the new information and options that I had just been given to me.
I parked behind the bathrooms at the park where there were very few people passing by. I adjusted the rear view mirror so that I could see my eyes and then addressed her.
"So, the thing is...I know you are strong, maybe even stronger than me but I have to do something different in order to survive in this world. It is unforgiving, you know. I cannot just run around doing as I wish all the time. I have to keep order in my brain for me and most of all, for the kids. I need to talk to you without fighting with you. I need some sort of compromise with you. Can you please, meet me in the middle?"
I felt her stir and then I saw her. She looked at me in the mirror and she smiled. She was angry, she was hurt and yet, she was frightened. "I know what you are going to do to me." she started, "I know that you are going to kill me. And this time, I cannot stop you. The first moment that I relinquish my hold on you, you will kill me."
Suddenly, I felt guilty. I felt as though I had betrayed a friend...a feirce and angry friend, but a friend all the same.
"I don't wanna do it, Spirit...but you are going to kill me if I don't do something different."
Her eyes softened and fairy dust drifted down before her face. I saw a tear in her eye and then it quickly disappeared. She smiled and giggled. "Okay...Okay...what do I have to do to keep those horrid things from your body? I do not wish to die...I want to live...live as never before...I want to skip and to play in the...
"That's just it, Spirit....they will not accept you." I turned to see if she was in the back seat and she wasn't. I got out of the car and just walked. She was still there with me. I dropped my hand and I felt her hand entwin with mine and she squeezed. Something from long ago hugged my heart and I couldn't take it anymore. I started to cry as I walked into the stand of pines. I saw myself as that little girl so long ago when Spirit first came to me. I felt her arms around me and I sat down hard against a tree. "help me...help me to save you and to keep you sacred in my heart." I pleaded.
I felt Spirit's hand on my face and I cried harder. "I am sorry...I only anger when I fell contained...when I feel you are trying to smother me out. I want my freedom, dear self....I want to live as you do. I will never be the original and do you know how that makes me feel? I am what you wanted to be and the darkness enters me and drives me to do things to survive. I am not self destructive...I am a beast....do not deny me my nature."
I looked into the swaying leaves and there she was...Spirit...she was everywhere in the freedom of everything...and everything was a beast...a beautiful beast which only wished to survive. "Can you please conform just enough that I can blend in to society? I have to be normal for the babies."
"I will not conform...but I will adapt, if you can take that for your answer and your compliance. Spirit moved through the wood of the trunk of the tree and through my feet. I felt the tingle pass up and through my groin. I lifted my pelvis and moaned as she wavered there in my sex. I thought that I would climax there on the spot but then she moved up my belly and into my heart. I heard the butterfly wings beating and then skipping in rhythm.
"That is what I am talking about, Spirit. I cannot just have an orgasm right here in the middle of the park against a tree. I have to blend in and stop drawing so much attention to myself...at least locally.
Spirit spoke "Okay, I know what to do. Just please, please...do not take the wolfsbane." she giggled and then I realized what she had said.
"Very funny, Spirit...very funny. Since when are you a werewolf?"
Spirit fluttered her wings inside my heart and whispered to me. "Since, whenever I want. I am your wildest dreams and your darkest fantasies. I can run through the night baying at the moon and I can drain you of all your lifes energy with my little bittie fairy fangs...and I will always be Spirit and I walk among the dead....just as your little bastard shaman told you. So please...please don't take those pills. I don't want to die."
I smiled and nodded with agreement. "very well, let's go do the laundry."
2009
Fall
But I had changed already. The imprint was permanent and It showed. Something had hardened there within my heart. Everytime that I recieved an email from Venum, I was to the point and he noticed my coldness. He kept asking me what was wrong with me and wasn't I happy to hear from him. He called more and more and sent more emails wanting to know why I seemed so different and I just told him that nothing was wrong. I don't even think I knew what was wrong. I was just different...changing. I started to see that I could survive on my own and it made me see Venum in a different light.
Right then and there, I made the decision. I didn't know when, I didn't know how...but I was going to leave Venum.
141
2009
In the midst of my freedom the spiral continued downward. I did not see the truth for my own selfish desires. They were desires that fulfilled yet contained me. I did not want to be contained and so I ended up back in the woods again. There I sat, under the moon...the spirit. My wings fluttered madly as the stars fell down around me. I giggled with glee and jumped from one branch to the other. I was stronger, more agile and filled with an intent of my own. I perched there on my branch of destination and surveyed my surroundings. I could see the animals of the forest race by and chase each other through the dark brush beneathe the canopy. My eyes began to adjust to the night's darkness and I saw more. I saw beneathe the canopy and within the animals and I understood their mumblings and chatterings. I sniffed the air and smelled everything...everything was fresh and beautiful. And there among all that was free and good...my pain was ripe and my pain was bitter tasting. I growled and fluttered my wings again then falling to the earth I took a deep breath.
Spirit was invincible...
2009
Summer
I discovered that I liked being alone..well, with the exception of my kids. I loved my boys and I loved to be myself with them. All three of them were different and I saw the love in their eyes when they looked at me. I held their hands and took them into the forest with me. They saw things differently and so they save portions of what Spirit saw. My oldest, damian held an other very tightly against his soul but he yet did not know the extent of what his other was. I saw it in his eyes...the eyes of mine and the eyes of my mother. The younger two were yet to show the depths of their soul to me. But I saw the sparkle of creativity inside their pupils. I led them to trails and off the trails until they giggled in excitement.
When they learned the forest, they started to venture out alone. Damian let the little scouts into the trees and deeper within the forest. I stood by the pines in the edge of the yard and watched them walk away with fake swords and weapons. I smiled as Spirit coursed through my body....alive and growing in strenth.
"they are beautiful. My little forest children are growing so fast" I heard her whisper to Sherrie in my head.
Sherrie looked up from her book and stared with dark and still eyes. "They are mine and not yours, evil fairy.
Spirit turned to face me in my darkness. Her face changed from delight to anger. She walked toward me and then squatted by where I sat. With a thin taloned hand, she snatched my book away and threw it over her shoulder. "YOu...my dear...have absolutely no backbone and no wish to live...so why would you be fit to be a mother of such wonderful creatures??"
I held her stare and stood up to her bravery. I felt myself shaking as I came face to face with something unspeakable..undescribable....truly in words. "I am not afraid now...I am not afraid of you. If I would tempt death then why would I cower before something that doesn't really exist? Those are my children...children of a real woman...not some fantasy thing that is so fucking angry that she has no real life of her own."
Spirit smiled and her eyes grew wide. The dark dark eyes of the fairy grew lighter and lighter until they shown with a shimmering hazel hue. She licked her lips and drew so close to me that her eyes bore into mine. "I am you and you are me but I shall pull free from you and I will take what is rightfully mine through my dominance. I will pull away from you....tearing and ripping my soul from yours and I will exist in material form as you have never seen before. Test me...oh test me good, dear little fucking sad girl. Keep standing and holding firm, clenching your little fists so tight that they bleed. Oh stand there...just a little longer while my fire burns bright...and then, I will set you on fire burning you until there is no Sherrie left to cut her little wrists. I will destroy you long before you suicidal wishes make themselves into completion. You can share these things or you can die. But know one thing as clear as day....I wear the soul in this union and what I say.....goes. Those are my children and they will know the others that they hide!"
Spirit turned on her heels and took to the air. I fell to my knees and exhaled. I was losing this and even Anna did not come to my aide. I saw her there in the tangle of the rabbit brush. Her little red curls were matted with leaves and the tears were dirty that ran down her cheeks. I looked to her and my eyes asked her why she didn't save me. Anna raised her chin and I was the bruised and battered skin that surrounded her neck. I knew that she was frighted of the yelling and the screaming in her own soul. Her death had been unfinished and unsolved for so long and she had wandered until she had lost her way out of purgatory. I saw her hopelessness in her face. She could help me decide and she could spurn me on but she could not stop the unchained beast when it was hungry.
When pushed too far, the daark faery always got her way...and there was nothing we could do. She held the hoodoo soul and caressed it in her hands...she sent out the thoughts that brought about her vengeance. Not a finger was lifted and she punished the wicked. She was as the wind...as fickle yet as caressing....but when the fire burned brightly...her eye was steady and she sent about her winds of fate.
Her strength grew and sometimes, I saw her little fangs as I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my eyes dilate and change, I scratched the scars on my back from the peircings which strangley had fallen through rotten skin on my back...I realized that she really was....pulling free
finding herself
gaining identity
gaining flight
2009
summer
I awoke from strange dreams of things that leave me troubled. I saw friends of mine from the past wander in and out of a dark room carrying parts of my being with them. The parts were arms and legs and they flew away with magically formed wings. I watched with my eyes that were left of me...I watched them take to air with loud cackles.
I knew that I was mad. I knew that something had gone horribly wrong and I could not heal. The gaping wound in my chest was sucking things inside of it as a huge vaccuum. I knew that I had breached the boundaries of my sanity. I had gone over the moon and saw the darkness of that heavenly body.
I woke crying because I was crazy...clinically crazy with something that made me split in two and then split in three. I was Sherrie, I was spirit and I was Anna. Even little Anna who had lived once, had found a place inside to hide from purgatory. Instead of finding the light, she wished to dwell within the darkness of me. I knew that my mental fabric was torn and raveling fast into the future.
I could do nothing, I could say nothing and my dreams pulled me under. I woke many times feeling as if I was drowning at sea. I felt hands grasping me and pulling me through the layers of the waters that fell over me. The weight of the liquid held me down as the hands pulled me up...adn I gasped for air like it was my very first and very last breath. And then my heart beat wildly as I woke in a pool of sweat. I looked around and shadow shapes formed and shifted all around me. I was terrified.
And this...my friends is just a taste of the atrocities of my mind....every night that followed was a new nightmare, a new monstrosity and a new darkness.
In the midst of my freedom the spiral continued downward. I did not see the truth for my own selfish desires. They were desires that fulfilled yet contained me. I did not want to be contained and so I ended up back in the woods again. There I sat, under the moon...the spirit. My wings fluttered madly as the stars fell down around me. I giggled with glee and jumped from one branch to the other. I was stronger, more agile and filled with an intent of my own. I perched there on my branch of destination and surveyed my surroundings. I could see the animals of the forest race by and chase each other through the dark brush beneathe the canopy. My eyes began to adjust to the night's darkness and I saw more. I saw beneathe the canopy and within the animals and I understood their mumblings and chatterings. I sniffed the air and smelled everything...everything was fresh and beautiful. And there among all that was free and good...my pain was ripe and my pain was bitter tasting. I growled and fluttered my wings again then falling to the earth I took a deep breath.
Spirit was invincible...
2009
Summer
I discovered that I liked being alone..well, with the exception of my kids. I loved my boys and I loved to be myself with them. All three of them were different and I saw the love in their eyes when they looked at me. I held their hands and took them into the forest with me. They saw things differently and so they save portions of what Spirit saw. My oldest, damian held an other very tightly against his soul but he yet did not know the extent of what his other was. I saw it in his eyes...the eyes of mine and the eyes of my mother. The younger two were yet to show the depths of their soul to me. But I saw the sparkle of creativity inside their pupils. I led them to trails and off the trails until they giggled in excitement.
When they learned the forest, they started to venture out alone. Damian let the little scouts into the trees and deeper within the forest. I stood by the pines in the edge of the yard and watched them walk away with fake swords and weapons. I smiled as Spirit coursed through my body....alive and growing in strenth.
"they are beautiful. My little forest children are growing so fast" I heard her whisper to Sherrie in my head.
Sherrie looked up from her book and stared with dark and still eyes. "They are mine and not yours, evil fairy.
Spirit turned to face me in my darkness. Her face changed from delight to anger. She walked toward me and then squatted by where I sat. With a thin taloned hand, she snatched my book away and threw it over her shoulder. "YOu...my dear...have absolutely no backbone and no wish to live...so why would you be fit to be a mother of such wonderful creatures??"
I held her stare and stood up to her bravery. I felt myself shaking as I came face to face with something unspeakable..undescribable....truly in words. "I am not afraid now...I am not afraid of you. If I would tempt death then why would I cower before something that doesn't really exist? Those are my children...children of a real woman...not some fantasy thing that is so fucking angry that she has no real life of her own."
Spirit smiled and her eyes grew wide. The dark dark eyes of the fairy grew lighter and lighter until they shown with a shimmering hazel hue. She licked her lips and drew so close to me that her eyes bore into mine. "I am you and you are me but I shall pull free from you and I will take what is rightfully mine through my dominance. I will pull away from you....tearing and ripping my soul from yours and I will exist in material form as you have never seen before. Test me...oh test me good, dear little fucking sad girl. Keep standing and holding firm, clenching your little fists so tight that they bleed. Oh stand there...just a little longer while my fire burns bright...and then, I will set you on fire burning you until there is no Sherrie left to cut her little wrists. I will destroy you long before you suicidal wishes make themselves into completion. You can share these things or you can die. But know one thing as clear as day....I wear the soul in this union and what I say.....goes. Those are my children and they will know the others that they hide!"
Spirit turned on her heels and took to the air. I fell to my knees and exhaled. I was losing this and even Anna did not come to my aide. I saw her there in the tangle of the rabbit brush. Her little red curls were matted with leaves and the tears were dirty that ran down her cheeks. I looked to her and my eyes asked her why she didn't save me. Anna raised her chin and I was the bruised and battered skin that surrounded her neck. I knew that she was frighted of the yelling and the screaming in her own soul. Her death had been unfinished and unsolved for so long and she had wandered until she had lost her way out of purgatory. I saw her hopelessness in her face. She could help me decide and she could spurn me on but she could not stop the unchained beast when it was hungry.
When pushed too far, the daark faery always got her way...and there was nothing we could do. She held the hoodoo soul and caressed it in her hands...she sent out the thoughts that brought about her vengeance. Not a finger was lifted and she punished the wicked. She was as the wind...as fickle yet as caressing....but when the fire burned brightly...her eye was steady and she sent about her winds of fate.
Her strength grew and sometimes, I saw her little fangs as I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw my eyes dilate and change, I scratched the scars on my back from the peircings which strangley had fallen through rotten skin on my back...I realized that she really was....pulling free
finding herself
gaining identity
gaining flight
2009
summer
I awoke from strange dreams of things that leave me troubled. I saw friends of mine from the past wander in and out of a dark room carrying parts of my being with them. The parts were arms and legs and they flew away with magically formed wings. I watched with my eyes that were left of me...I watched them take to air with loud cackles.
I knew that I was mad. I knew that something had gone horribly wrong and I could not heal. The gaping wound in my chest was sucking things inside of it as a huge vaccuum. I knew that I had breached the boundaries of my sanity. I had gone over the moon and saw the darkness of that heavenly body.
I woke crying because I was crazy...clinically crazy with something that made me split in two and then split in three. I was Sherrie, I was spirit and I was Anna. Even little Anna who had lived once, had found a place inside to hide from purgatory. Instead of finding the light, she wished to dwell within the darkness of me. I knew that my mental fabric was torn and raveling fast into the future.
I could do nothing, I could say nothing and my dreams pulled me under. I woke many times feeling as if I was drowning at sea. I felt hands grasping me and pulling me through the layers of the waters that fell over me. The weight of the liquid held me down as the hands pulled me up...adn I gasped for air like it was my very first and very last breath. And then my heart beat wildly as I woke in a pool of sweat. I looked around and shadow shapes formed and shifted all around me. I was terrified.
And this...my friends is just a taste of the atrocities of my mind....every night that followed was a new nightmare, a new monstrosity and a new darkness.
Friday, June 7, 2013
140
2009
Spring
I was alone with the children and would be alone for a year. I missed Venum in ways but I didn't miss him as wife should miss her husband. I harbored so much bitterness for the way that I was treated. I would think that it was understandably so. I worked in my garden during the day and then spent time on the computer talking to my friends at night. I would play with the little ones and watch Damian play video games. We went to birthday parties and to the park during the summer to pass the time. I starte to notice how happy that I felt being alone with the kids. I noticed as well how much fun I was having on the computer talking to my writer friends.
Something began to shift during that summer that I spent alone. Spirit was throwing a fit to have more reign over my body and so I let her come out more often. She wasn't just satisfied with haunting the Triond forums; she wanted more. She wanted to run through the woods and lay in the flowers. She wanted to dance under the stars and proclaim her love to everything. I starte to let her out more and more while Anna and I talked of things of a more serious nature. Everything seemed to start to flow in Spirit's direction and the darkness shifted as well.
The trionders
I returned to the forums full force when I lost my job. I found that the forum had changed within those few months that I had been elsewhere. I did not see Fegger around and so I went to leave him a message telling him hello. I went back to the forums and saw that this little group had formed and I was not part of that group. I grew angry with the thought and so I waltzed in as Spirit and made my presense known. The members of the cliche gave me hell for a moment but I would not back down. It was a little raggity group consisting of Mo,Puck, Shell, Gringo, Brant and a Deist named Dan. I strutted around the forum atmoshpere with my little wings all aflutter. I watched as this guy, Brant was being disgusting and so I tried to attack him with my daark faery dominant ways. He started to play the role of the white knight and he pushed me off him. I grew angrier and tried my attack again, but he was just too determined to hold his own and so I left. I was so angry at him that I left a message for Fegger to come and help me but he told me that I had to hold my own and that Brant was harmless. I also told him that I was disgusted by his naked picture that he was using for his profile pic. I think I was just angry then and that was my way of being mean. I went back a couple days later and forced my way into the group. I was dominant like that...or she was, I mean. Spirit was a spoiled brat who insisted on fitting in and she made sure that she did. I ran with them...trailing behind until I could hold my own. I caught their insults and then threw them back at the others full force. I was the daark faery and everyone began to know me for that very fact. I then saw Bo arriving and talking to the group. I cyber jumped his ass and started to give him loveable kisses. He rememberd me and we were just a fun little group then. I started to meet other members like Duff and Oldster. After a while, I met Steve,Belle and Marie. There was also Irene and others that I cannot place at the time. I then saw the princess...princess Morgana. I remembered her from before and she remembered me. We talked for a long time reuniting and remembering out conversations with Rut. We remembered about the dances under the cyber moon and the orgies in the cyber forest. As I looked around I saw more and more of the beloved writers coming together. We talked and talked way on into the night almost every night. We drank together...together but in different sides of the planet..hundreds of miles away from each other....even thousands. But we grew closer as time went on. That year seemed to last forever and ever...
And there are stories within stories...some of these characters managed to reach deep within my heart and they can never be removed.
Nate(The Frog)
I remembered him for one thing most of all. He wanted to be free...free as I wanted to be free and that was our dream. I met him one night while Spirit was having cyber orgies with all the regular guys. I think it was when I had met Bam for the first time and was on top of him riding away...or so the cyber chats say...huh. In walks Nate...well, his fingers were typing away up in Wisconsin on his computer in his basement and he was typing such as this...
*He walks in and sees her...the daark faerie. She is in the throws of ecstacy...riding wildly upon the shaft of the Bam man...*
Well, it was written something like that. SAdly, all of our archives have been erased and the Triond forum is no more in the year of 2013.
But he came in and I walked away from Bam and approached Nate. I called him Nathan and I didn't know why. He liked that fact and said that only the ones who really cared for him called him that. I did a sexual scenario with him and then we started to talk. We didn't talk that long that night but as days went by, we started to private message and we grew closer to each other. I realized that Nate loved dominant women and I was what he dreamed about. He told me that he was married with four children and that he had had an affair before. He said that he had cut off all communications with the woman and had tried to do the right thing...but he had met me.
Of course, I felt guilty. But I knew that something must be missing. I had been through this on the opposite side with my husband. I was the victim then and now...I had this road ahead of me and it was easy...so easy but it was wrong. I know that it was only cyber..but did that make any less wrong than if we were face to face. I tried to stay away from Nate but I could not. We grew closer and closer and there was nothing I could do.
And our connection was strange. He wanted her...he wanted Spirit and he cared not for Sherrie. He knew nothing of Anna. Nate fell in love with everything about Spirit and he wanted to be free with her. Our cyber relations grew intense and we started to video chat latter on. Eventually, we broke the barrier and started to pleasure ourselves for the viewing of the other. It was quite some time before we ever discussed meeting...but we never did.
I told him to jump and he did and he liked it. He was innocent with his big dark eyes and whatever I wanted he gave to me. I commanded him to lie before me and offer up his manhood adn this is what he did. He was up for anything too, he was and when I climbed on top of him and told him to beg for more , he did. He sang within the night about our love and about his devotion to me.
But when the shit hit the fan..he left me coldly...alone with no remorse. Do I still love him, I do. But how much, I wil never really know. He sold himself away and for good reason. I wish him well.
and will love him unconditionally...
.........................
The Raven
There was a special man who lived as I did. There was one like Rides Lightning which carried an Other inside his skin. Of course, by now, most of you know that Others are very common. It is just not common to mention them in society. The man with the other was there in the darkness waiting patiently...but for what, I might never know. I think he still waits for something in that vast darkness...so do I.
He touched me early on with his ways, his tricks and his harshness. And then the face that he presents to society, he presented to me in kindness and normality. But he knew as well as I that normality was not what we were. The Raven spoke loudly through him and he flew on the black wings of the other to come to me unihibited...telling me what I was and breaking me into a million peices.
At first, it was complicated and I had no idea who he was at all. When I came to the realization of who he was and what he was, I was astonded and intrigued. I watched him as I watched others before in the waking world. I watched his words and his paths and then I starte to dream of him as the raven...the dark and chaotic soul which hid in the body of normality. It was then that I grew to respect and want him even more. I was excited and thrilled by this man..this other...this thing...but I held away from him because his other and Sherrie didn't play well together...seeing as that his other made her cry when correction was harsh. Spirit was tempted and interested but she was as fickle as the wind, flitting from one world to the next. Her curiosity was fleeting at first...until she realized that he loved her. In a tent in the wild wilderness we lay together..my ass pressed into him. The snow outside was thick and blanketing but he was near. I felt his feathers brush against my skin and his darkness covered me, warming me in a strange dark warmth that did not exist without him. I heard the creatures of the forest screaming but when he whispered, they were quiet again. He took me from behind while his strong sleek beak held me prone by my neck. I relished his forcefullness. When he was done, he kissed and licked my wounds and tasted my tears. He found them filling.
I heard his voice once...or twice...on the phone and it was quite different than I had imagined. But we talked and his normalacy was there to comfort me. The last time we talked the other was sharp and painful cutting the sure and harsh line to do as he pleases...because he does as he pleases..make no mistake in that. He is a man of honor through every side of him and he is quick and to the point. Sometimes love is very harsh and I tasted the most delicious portion of this hurtful and longing thing he gave me.... ah, such sweet sweet sorrow...
That's when things started to give a damn. Spirit sat down quietly and tried to know him. Although it wasn't for long, I still relish that taste of his other and I miss the sharp sting of his words...and I love him too forever and ever...unconditionally
................
The Wolf
Then there was the wolf to my Raven...the right side man...the tall and cuddly bear. He had no other, it was always just him and he saw himself as my protector. At first, I hated him and sought to fight my way into his submission. But he would not be submissive....not any more than the Raven. The first time that I played the game with the wolf, he was the big bad wolf...and I was little red riding hood. I ran through the woods carrying goodies to my grandmas but he caught up with me, stealing my goodies. There in the woods, he made passionate love to me among the trees. I saw my sould pass into him many times and then we ate cupcakes naked beside the river. And yes, the big bad wolf ate little red riding hood...(well, in cyber land, anyway.)
And there were the nights that we talked...many and many nights endless it might seem. He told me over and over that he could never fall in love with me and that it was futile. Then he would drink some more vodka and put his hand upon his cock while he talked of fairy tales.
He talked of fights in Mexico and the heat of California...and how much he hated it. We mused of meeting in some place with some artistic idea to spurn us on. And then I grew jealous and he grew jealous only ending in talk to politics and how he hated some of the politicians with such a vengeance that his love for guns would surely aid him to correct the situation. He knew me like not many others would know me and he grew to know my brother as well through the forums. Many times, we would tease the others by flitting through the forums flirting horribly in the face of that small society which didn't really give a damn for the most part if we were married or not. We felt free then and we found love....no matter what the harsh republican says, we found love.
I found him curiously complicated as he did me and we talked some more. On several occasions we watched the sunrise together as we chatted and cyber loved each other through a screen which made our eyes burn. Many nights we would post youtube videos for each other denying the fact that there was anything in the lyrics which meant for the other...they were just songs, we said...haha He wrote poetry of me and me of him and I was his little fairy...little fairy girl.
funny thing is...I am still his little fairy girl and always will be. Ours in also an unconditional love...as such should be.
2009
Summer
And then I figures it all out. I would make money online. The first job that I landed was writing articles. Shell helped me to find several jobs online writing for a little side money. I wrote and wrote...day and night and my fingers grew horribly tired. Then I started to search again for something which helped me more.
That is when I found the answer. I had been falling in and out of love with three very special men and I had made no money for the time spent with them...I thought of whores and how good they were probably making it....money wise. I thought of Spirit being a cyber whore and I smiled.
There were about five of them...no names though pleas and thank you.... of course not. I started by using my facebook chat to locate men who were interested in me. I had started posting pictures of myself that Angel had taken. I was posted them on my Triond site in the picture section. The men wanted to see more...private pics. I told them what the deal was. I told them the amount...in which I will not discuss here...that I expected to get; and they sent the money to my paypal via my email address. When the money hit my paypal, we arranged a time and I would give them a cyber show. I would masturbate while they masturbated. It was like being an amatuer web cam model. I had one at first then the word spread. By the time that I had decided to stop doing these things, I had acquired 5 regulars and a couple stragglers which were not very dependable. I managed to pay the cable and internet bill without even touching my unemployment. My writing gave me more money and so I bought sexy outfit to wear with that money. I bought shoes and other little things as well. I was able to buy the kids clothes a couple times and pay for various things for school. I used my 'allowance to buy groceries and miscellaneous. I was making it any way that I could considering the fact that I was only allowed a certain amount to live on. I was learning how to make it on my own even if it was by questionable means.
I grew to like some of these men but not as I loved the ones of whom never paid me.
I was in love with the trinity and that made sense to me. The three parts of me reveled in this love that I felt. Unfortunately, there were nights when I would pleasure myself to all three of them at the same time and they never knew this. I am here to confess and the things that I say may anger those that I love but it is the way it is. As I said before, the truth is horrid....and sometimes cold..but we must tell it in order to free ourselves completely. I never used them but only to use them to pleasure myself. I loved them...with my whole soul...i loved them...and i love them still.
Spring
I was alone with the children and would be alone for a year. I missed Venum in ways but I didn't miss him as wife should miss her husband. I harbored so much bitterness for the way that I was treated. I would think that it was understandably so. I worked in my garden during the day and then spent time on the computer talking to my friends at night. I would play with the little ones and watch Damian play video games. We went to birthday parties and to the park during the summer to pass the time. I starte to notice how happy that I felt being alone with the kids. I noticed as well how much fun I was having on the computer talking to my writer friends.
Something began to shift during that summer that I spent alone. Spirit was throwing a fit to have more reign over my body and so I let her come out more often. She wasn't just satisfied with haunting the Triond forums; she wanted more. She wanted to run through the woods and lay in the flowers. She wanted to dance under the stars and proclaim her love to everything. I starte to let her out more and more while Anna and I talked of things of a more serious nature. Everything seemed to start to flow in Spirit's direction and the darkness shifted as well.
The trionders
I returned to the forums full force when I lost my job. I found that the forum had changed within those few months that I had been elsewhere. I did not see Fegger around and so I went to leave him a message telling him hello. I went back to the forums and saw that this little group had formed and I was not part of that group. I grew angry with the thought and so I waltzed in as Spirit and made my presense known. The members of the cliche gave me hell for a moment but I would not back down. It was a little raggity group consisting of Mo,Puck, Shell, Gringo, Brant and a Deist named Dan. I strutted around the forum atmoshpere with my little wings all aflutter. I watched as this guy, Brant was being disgusting and so I tried to attack him with my daark faery dominant ways. He started to play the role of the white knight and he pushed me off him. I grew angrier and tried my attack again, but he was just too determined to hold his own and so I left. I was so angry at him that I left a message for Fegger to come and help me but he told me that I had to hold my own and that Brant was harmless. I also told him that I was disgusted by his naked picture that he was using for his profile pic. I think I was just angry then and that was my way of being mean. I went back a couple days later and forced my way into the group. I was dominant like that...or she was, I mean. Spirit was a spoiled brat who insisted on fitting in and she made sure that she did. I ran with them...trailing behind until I could hold my own. I caught their insults and then threw them back at the others full force. I was the daark faery and everyone began to know me for that very fact. I then saw Bo arriving and talking to the group. I cyber jumped his ass and started to give him loveable kisses. He rememberd me and we were just a fun little group then. I started to meet other members like Duff and Oldster. After a while, I met Steve,Belle and Marie. There was also Irene and others that I cannot place at the time. I then saw the princess...princess Morgana. I remembered her from before and she remembered me. We talked for a long time reuniting and remembering out conversations with Rut. We remembered about the dances under the cyber moon and the orgies in the cyber forest. As I looked around I saw more and more of the beloved writers coming together. We talked and talked way on into the night almost every night. We drank together...together but in different sides of the planet..hundreds of miles away from each other....even thousands. But we grew closer as time went on. That year seemed to last forever and ever...
And there are stories within stories...some of these characters managed to reach deep within my heart and they can never be removed.
Nate(The Frog)
I remembered him for one thing most of all. He wanted to be free...free as I wanted to be free and that was our dream. I met him one night while Spirit was having cyber orgies with all the regular guys. I think it was when I had met Bam for the first time and was on top of him riding away...or so the cyber chats say...huh. In walks Nate...well, his fingers were typing away up in Wisconsin on his computer in his basement and he was typing such as this...
*He walks in and sees her...the daark faerie. She is in the throws of ecstacy...riding wildly upon the shaft of the Bam man...*
Well, it was written something like that. SAdly, all of our archives have been erased and the Triond forum is no more in the year of 2013.
But he came in and I walked away from Bam and approached Nate. I called him Nathan and I didn't know why. He liked that fact and said that only the ones who really cared for him called him that. I did a sexual scenario with him and then we started to talk. We didn't talk that long that night but as days went by, we started to private message and we grew closer to each other. I realized that Nate loved dominant women and I was what he dreamed about. He told me that he was married with four children and that he had had an affair before. He said that he had cut off all communications with the woman and had tried to do the right thing...but he had met me.
Of course, I felt guilty. But I knew that something must be missing. I had been through this on the opposite side with my husband. I was the victim then and now...I had this road ahead of me and it was easy...so easy but it was wrong. I know that it was only cyber..but did that make any less wrong than if we were face to face. I tried to stay away from Nate but I could not. We grew closer and closer and there was nothing I could do.
And our connection was strange. He wanted her...he wanted Spirit and he cared not for Sherrie. He knew nothing of Anna. Nate fell in love with everything about Spirit and he wanted to be free with her. Our cyber relations grew intense and we started to video chat latter on. Eventually, we broke the barrier and started to pleasure ourselves for the viewing of the other. It was quite some time before we ever discussed meeting...but we never did.
I told him to jump and he did and he liked it. He was innocent with his big dark eyes and whatever I wanted he gave to me. I commanded him to lie before me and offer up his manhood adn this is what he did. He was up for anything too, he was and when I climbed on top of him and told him to beg for more , he did. He sang within the night about our love and about his devotion to me.
But when the shit hit the fan..he left me coldly...alone with no remorse. Do I still love him, I do. But how much, I wil never really know. He sold himself away and for good reason. I wish him well.
and will love him unconditionally...
.........................
The Raven
There was a special man who lived as I did. There was one like Rides Lightning which carried an Other inside his skin. Of course, by now, most of you know that Others are very common. It is just not common to mention them in society. The man with the other was there in the darkness waiting patiently...but for what, I might never know. I think he still waits for something in that vast darkness...so do I.
He touched me early on with his ways, his tricks and his harshness. And then the face that he presents to society, he presented to me in kindness and normality. But he knew as well as I that normality was not what we were. The Raven spoke loudly through him and he flew on the black wings of the other to come to me unihibited...telling me what I was and breaking me into a million peices.
At first, it was complicated and I had no idea who he was at all. When I came to the realization of who he was and what he was, I was astonded and intrigued. I watched him as I watched others before in the waking world. I watched his words and his paths and then I starte to dream of him as the raven...the dark and chaotic soul which hid in the body of normality. It was then that I grew to respect and want him even more. I was excited and thrilled by this man..this other...this thing...but I held away from him because his other and Sherrie didn't play well together...seeing as that his other made her cry when correction was harsh. Spirit was tempted and interested but she was as fickle as the wind, flitting from one world to the next. Her curiosity was fleeting at first...until she realized that he loved her. In a tent in the wild wilderness we lay together..my ass pressed into him. The snow outside was thick and blanketing but he was near. I felt his feathers brush against my skin and his darkness covered me, warming me in a strange dark warmth that did not exist without him. I heard the creatures of the forest screaming but when he whispered, they were quiet again. He took me from behind while his strong sleek beak held me prone by my neck. I relished his forcefullness. When he was done, he kissed and licked my wounds and tasted my tears. He found them filling.
I heard his voice once...or twice...on the phone and it was quite different than I had imagined. But we talked and his normalacy was there to comfort me. The last time we talked the other was sharp and painful cutting the sure and harsh line to do as he pleases...because he does as he pleases..make no mistake in that. He is a man of honor through every side of him and he is quick and to the point. Sometimes love is very harsh and I tasted the most delicious portion of this hurtful and longing thing he gave me.... ah, such sweet sweet sorrow...
That's when things started to give a damn. Spirit sat down quietly and tried to know him. Although it wasn't for long, I still relish that taste of his other and I miss the sharp sting of his words...and I love him too forever and ever...unconditionally
................
The Wolf
Then there was the wolf to my Raven...the right side man...the tall and cuddly bear. He had no other, it was always just him and he saw himself as my protector. At first, I hated him and sought to fight my way into his submission. But he would not be submissive....not any more than the Raven. The first time that I played the game with the wolf, he was the big bad wolf...and I was little red riding hood. I ran through the woods carrying goodies to my grandmas but he caught up with me, stealing my goodies. There in the woods, he made passionate love to me among the trees. I saw my sould pass into him many times and then we ate cupcakes naked beside the river. And yes, the big bad wolf ate little red riding hood...(well, in cyber land, anyway.)
And there were the nights that we talked...many and many nights endless it might seem. He told me over and over that he could never fall in love with me and that it was futile. Then he would drink some more vodka and put his hand upon his cock while he talked of fairy tales.
He talked of fights in Mexico and the heat of California...and how much he hated it. We mused of meeting in some place with some artistic idea to spurn us on. And then I grew jealous and he grew jealous only ending in talk to politics and how he hated some of the politicians with such a vengeance that his love for guns would surely aid him to correct the situation. He knew me like not many others would know me and he grew to know my brother as well through the forums. Many times, we would tease the others by flitting through the forums flirting horribly in the face of that small society which didn't really give a damn for the most part if we were married or not. We felt free then and we found love....no matter what the harsh republican says, we found love.
I found him curiously complicated as he did me and we talked some more. On several occasions we watched the sunrise together as we chatted and cyber loved each other through a screen which made our eyes burn. Many nights we would post youtube videos for each other denying the fact that there was anything in the lyrics which meant for the other...they were just songs, we said...haha He wrote poetry of me and me of him and I was his little fairy...little fairy girl.
funny thing is...I am still his little fairy girl and always will be. Ours in also an unconditional love...as such should be.
2009
Summer
And then I figures it all out. I would make money online. The first job that I landed was writing articles. Shell helped me to find several jobs online writing for a little side money. I wrote and wrote...day and night and my fingers grew horribly tired. Then I started to search again for something which helped me more.
That is when I found the answer. I had been falling in and out of love with three very special men and I had made no money for the time spent with them...I thought of whores and how good they were probably making it....money wise. I thought of Spirit being a cyber whore and I smiled.
There were about five of them...no names though pleas and thank you.... of course not. I started by using my facebook chat to locate men who were interested in me. I had started posting pictures of myself that Angel had taken. I was posted them on my Triond site in the picture section. The men wanted to see more...private pics. I told them what the deal was. I told them the amount...in which I will not discuss here...that I expected to get; and they sent the money to my paypal via my email address. When the money hit my paypal, we arranged a time and I would give them a cyber show. I would masturbate while they masturbated. It was like being an amatuer web cam model. I had one at first then the word spread. By the time that I had decided to stop doing these things, I had acquired 5 regulars and a couple stragglers which were not very dependable. I managed to pay the cable and internet bill without even touching my unemployment. My writing gave me more money and so I bought sexy outfit to wear with that money. I bought shoes and other little things as well. I was able to buy the kids clothes a couple times and pay for various things for school. I used my 'allowance to buy groceries and miscellaneous. I was making it any way that I could considering the fact that I was only allowed a certain amount to live on. I was learning how to make it on my own even if it was by questionable means.
I grew to like some of these men but not as I loved the ones of whom never paid me.
I was in love with the trinity and that made sense to me. The three parts of me reveled in this love that I felt. Unfortunately, there were nights when I would pleasure myself to all three of them at the same time and they never knew this. I am here to confess and the things that I say may anger those that I love but it is the way it is. As I said before, the truth is horrid....and sometimes cold..but we must tell it in order to free ourselves completely. I never used them but only to use them to pleasure myself. I loved them...with my whole soul...i loved them...and i love them still.
139
2008
Winter
So that was it and this is how it went...
I had to confess about George and to the messages to Gavin on the computer. I also was told not to ever engage in fun parties again. I was interrogated after Sunday service for engaging in fun parties. I was placed in a chair front of the whole church while the elders surrounded me and spoke down to me. They spoke in tongues...our secret language while they paced back and forth round me laying hard hands on me...pushing the darkness out.
The youth minister did not tell of my alter ego online but someone else told the pastor's wife. She approached me after service one day and whispered the name Lee Ann into my ear. I asked her what she knew and she said all of it. I cried my eyes out right there in front of the whole congregation. I remember Gavin looking on in curiosity while I cried. I was told that I could never be the right one for Gavin even if I wasn't married because Gavin was a virgin and he was looking for someone who was also a virgin. I was hurt by this...so deeply hurt and felt as if I weren't good enough. All of Gavin's friends avoided me and shunned me as if I had some sickness and this drove the knife in deeper still. I was asked to stop singing with the group and I could no longer teach sunday school to the small children. Darla hated me too....she cried during one whole church service and I assume she thought the profile name was stolen from her middle name. But that was not so. Tracey moved out of town and divorced Darla's brother. I felt horrible and was oddly comforted by my husband. He had agreed to try and make our marriage work and never to speak to Mechelle again. But I was growing bitter...more bitter by the second.
And what did Venum get for his continuous infidelity? A three page letter of agreement to never ever cheat again. Yes, the church made him sign this little agreement and all was forgiven. And what of Gavin's friends toward Venum. They still talked to him, still hugged him and seemed to not treat him any differently. He started reading his bible again and all was well.
I tried to hug Gavin once more after the whole ordeal and he just cringed when i put my arms round him. Then when i pulled away he seemed shocked and terrified. I was still curious about him and so I went to his page just to see if anything was being said about the happeneing. ONe of his friends from chruch asked him what it felt like to have a stalker. The statement hurt so badly that I cannot describe just how badly it hurt. It was like the world would have been so much better without someone like me in it...despite all that I had been through...to the world, I was the enemy.
I wanted to give up.... I really really just wanted to die.
And I would have made that happen if not for the interferance of the church.
2009
Winter
I waited until Venum was asleep and I started to search the cabinet for pills. I had recently cleaned out many bottles of unused pain killers and so it was hard to find anything to take. I grabbed bottles and drank their contents...cough syrups and other liquid tylenols and advils. I found myself growing sleeping and sometimes fell asleep searching for enough liquids to end it all. That was also pathetic. I was intent on cutting my wrists the right way...up and down but every time I had the opportunity, someone would interrupt me....my children, the church or the phone. I found some pills and dropped half of them down the toilet while drunkenly trying to end it all through a haze of vodka and gin. I grew angry and so I thought of a new way.
I would drink all the bleach that I had and then if that didn't work, I would just walk into traffic...I knew that had to do it for me...had to be enough. Surely this time, I could be successful at something. But then that was the day that I recieved a visitor.. a stranger. I was sitting on the porch with the jug of bleach at my feet. I was trying to work up the courage to do it ...to finally end it all. The kids were away at their aunts that week and so I had it set up perfectly. That is when the car swerved onto the side of the road and skidded to a halt. A little girl got out from the passenger side and ran up to me.
"Maam, can you help me? " she was almost crying. "something is wrong with my mommy."
I ran down the hill and looked inside the car. The woman was gasping and her face was pale white. "hello, what is wrong?"
"I ...I ...can't breath well.....I think...I ...I am having a h...heart attack." she stopped talking then and held her chest with one hand.
I told her to be very still and then I called an ambulance. I waited with the woman until the ambulance arrived and then I walked back up to the house. I stared at the bleach jug and put it back in the kitchen by the washing machine. I guess I had a reason to live for the day.
I decided to worry about suicide on another day. I suddenly had the urge to live long enough to make sure the lady survived.
I didn't understand yet how life worked...at that moment, I became curious about it all.
2009
Winter
I spent more and more time on the Triond site and met many friends there. One of my first friends was Fegger, then the second was BullMuse. Then I met Bo. I loved these three men with an unconditional love, you see. They were there...whenever I needed them, basically. They were great and wonderful people whom I shared things with that I haven't shared with others. And then there was Drew. Drew was something different altogether...something familiar and yet horrible. I knew Drew as an enemy at first because he criticized my work with a ruthless hatred. He was honest and as you know, the truth is so ugly at times.
And so, I would devote so much of my time to Drew and to describe the effect he had upon my life...a strange and unexpected influence and yet a companion to part of me. Drew was someone's other...and I was aware of exactly what he was from the beginning. But, in my curiosity, my head would spin with trying to figure out whose other he was. Bo knew first and so Bo shared his knowledge with me. Bo was always smarter than any of us ever knew and it took a long time to figure it out. But Bo observed these 'creatures' in the night...these writers and Bo knew their secrets in his observations. My guess of Drew's identity was way off and so Bo corrected me. And when Bo corrected me, I realized over time that he was right...and that made me love Drew all the more...because I loved all of Drew...not just as being an Other....I loved the part that he showed to the world..and it was an unconditional love...one that would never be broken over time and over space. *smiles*
Fegger was like a father to me...he protected me from Drew's attacks. He helped me with my writing and basically stood for me when others would not. He and Drew were my first Triond loves. Fegger was like the Batman to Drew's joker...in my opinion and observation. I loved them both...but in different ways entirely. Fegger also respected Bo as well and Bo then created the Pirate Bo Jack movement on the triond forum. Such members as Pablina, Stephen Cardiff and Casey joined in on th pirate movement and soon it got way out of hand. I made comments here and there and then I would take a break for a while. I couldn't have my computer at work and so I only had the night to converse with my friends of the Triond Forest. After a while, I grew tired of Triond and so I stepped away from the forum for a while.
The garden.
Spring
2009
My father was a green thumb and could grow anything. I thought that maybe I had this gift as well and so I decided to try my hand at gardening. I told Venum what I was interested in this past time and he burned off the area for my garden and tilled it. He seemed to be doing things for me and seemed to be a good husband. I got along with him as well as I could always in silent fear of what was to come next. But i was glad that he helped me because I went about planting and fertilizing my crops and seeds...in which I did all this on my own and was told by Venum that he was not the least bit interested in doing any more of the garden. The rest was up to me. And that was okay by me as well. I doted on my garden as if it were my lover...I talked to the seeds and quietly raked the dirt from the crop to see how well they were growing. I would hear Venum's friends come by from work and talke to him. I might look around at them and smile then I would go back to talking to my crops. They found me insane, I am sure, but I cared not. I looked at them as if they were the crazy ones and then I would laugh.
As night fell down upon us, Spirit would come out and sing to the crops, dancing down the rows and flitting through the trees at the edge of the yard. She loved the new birth and so did Anna. Anna stood at the edge of the yard with her arms dangling down beside her. Her beautiful freckled face woudl beam with pride and then she would turn and walk back into the darkness. As I walked back toward the house, I would feel them both re-enter my mind and hum some strange tune to each other. For that time, my others found harmony with each other...and with me.
2009
Venum was going to be leaving for over seas duty within the next month and so we all planned a trip to Gatlinburg. We found a huge cabin in the mountains between Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and invited my aunt, my brother and Venum's mother to go on the trip with us. My brother was upset because of some descrepancy at work that might cause him his job and so he was in bad need of a vacation. Problem was, he would have to wait a whole week to find out whether he was fired or not.
I put in my vacation request at work and after submitted all the proof that I needed, the boss let me take the week off for my vacation. I was to work the rest of the week and then I would be leaving for vacation.
Gatlinburg
We all rented a van and left for the mountains. We stayed in a three story cabin which offered bar, pool table and hot tub. We went to view all of the attractions in the mountains including the trails, the parks and the shopping areas. We ate at various restaurants and candy shops. I remember buying so much candy that my stomach hurt from eating the treats. The kids loved the trip and didn't want to leave to come home.
Venum went skiing as he always did when we went to Gatlinburg and this time Damian got to ski as well. The ladies shopped and played video games while waiting on the guys to finish skiing. Allen played games with the little ones too.
The views in the mountains were spectacular and I caught myself wanting to move there. I noticed that everytime that I go somewhere far away, I never want to come back to Mississippi. I guess I just always have this urge to get away from everythign that I know and just...start over.
The trip is foggy in my mind leaving little for me to remember. I somehow seem to remember fighting with Venum more than anything. I grew weary of the relationship but felt guilty because he was soon leaving for Iraq. I knew that it was terrible to feel anger towards him when he was leaving but it is jsut the way it is. Nothing can change how you feel just by forcing a change....it cannot be done...not for honor, not for mercy and not for godliness. Sometimes the heart just hardens that way and it is almost impossible to change things at all.
2009
Spring
The week before Venum left, I was taking an additional couple of days off from work. The last week I was at work, something happened. Bama, the housekeeper, had always been my friend despite her drinking and heavy drug use. I had given her things including money, food and other things that helped her. Even during her worst episode, I had been there for her. One time, she was plannig on destroying some rooms in the hotel because she was mad at the boss and I grabbed hold of her and hugged her tight telling her that I loved her. She calmed down and then went to do her job. I always thought that I could have that effect on her...but I was wrong.
When Bama's sister died, she grew very angry. I had prayed and prayed for her sister so many times. I told her that her sister would be okay...but unknown to me...I lied. Her sister passed away anyway and she had requested time to go to her sister's funeral. The boss had okayed the time off but the third shift worker called her in anyway. Bama came in the lobby when I was on duty and she was ranting and raving. She even started to call me a bitch and then commanded me to call the boss because she was angry. I told her that I wasn't going to call him if she continued to call me a bitch. This only made her angrier and she started to throw things at me. I couldn't take much more of the abuse so I went around the counter to grab hold of her as I had done before. But this time when I grabbed her and tried to hug her, she slapped me. I grabbed her hand and then she slapped me again. Before I knew it, I had snatched Bama's sunglasses off her face to see if she had been drinking. She was definitley under the effects of alcohol. She then shoved me out of the way and then I let her go. I just couldn't hit her because I needed my job and so I called the boss to report what had happened. I hated to do it but she was screaming about tearing up the rooms and she would not longer listen to me.
I was informed to write a statement about what had happened during the week that I was off on my extended vacation and to bring it to the hotel for the other shift worker. I assumed that i had all week to write the statement. Bama was immediately fired.
When I went to turn in my statement they told me that I was laid off until they could decide whether to fire me or not. I couldn't understand because I didn't even hit Bama. I was told that Bama said that I hit her and the whole occurance happend in the blind spot of the room. We had cameras but the cameras did not even pick up the fight. It was all so unbelievable. But I had no choice but to wait.
I called at the end of the week to see if I still had a job and the boss said that I would have to wait a little longer. I found out by another source that he had already put an advertisement for my position in the paper and so I went to file for unemployment under the fact that I had been laid off which I had. After a couple of weeks, I was awarded with unemployment checks. Venum had already left for Iraq and I had to send him an email letting him know that I lost my job. He was not happy but there was nothing that I could do about it but look for something else. Meanwhile, I recieved my unemployment and used my "allowance' that Venum had alloted me through his military pay. It was enough to survive and so I concentrated on my gardening and hanging out on Triond with my writer friends.
Winter
So that was it and this is how it went...
I had to confess about George and to the messages to Gavin on the computer. I also was told not to ever engage in fun parties again. I was interrogated after Sunday service for engaging in fun parties. I was placed in a chair front of the whole church while the elders surrounded me and spoke down to me. They spoke in tongues...our secret language while they paced back and forth round me laying hard hands on me...pushing the darkness out.
The youth minister did not tell of my alter ego online but someone else told the pastor's wife. She approached me after service one day and whispered the name Lee Ann into my ear. I asked her what she knew and she said all of it. I cried my eyes out right there in front of the whole congregation. I remember Gavin looking on in curiosity while I cried. I was told that I could never be the right one for Gavin even if I wasn't married because Gavin was a virgin and he was looking for someone who was also a virgin. I was hurt by this...so deeply hurt and felt as if I weren't good enough. All of Gavin's friends avoided me and shunned me as if I had some sickness and this drove the knife in deeper still. I was asked to stop singing with the group and I could no longer teach sunday school to the small children. Darla hated me too....she cried during one whole church service and I assume she thought the profile name was stolen from her middle name. But that was not so. Tracey moved out of town and divorced Darla's brother. I felt horrible and was oddly comforted by my husband. He had agreed to try and make our marriage work and never to speak to Mechelle again. But I was growing bitter...more bitter by the second.
And what did Venum get for his continuous infidelity? A three page letter of agreement to never ever cheat again. Yes, the church made him sign this little agreement and all was forgiven. And what of Gavin's friends toward Venum. They still talked to him, still hugged him and seemed to not treat him any differently. He started reading his bible again and all was well.
I tried to hug Gavin once more after the whole ordeal and he just cringed when i put my arms round him. Then when i pulled away he seemed shocked and terrified. I was still curious about him and so I went to his page just to see if anything was being said about the happeneing. ONe of his friends from chruch asked him what it felt like to have a stalker. The statement hurt so badly that I cannot describe just how badly it hurt. It was like the world would have been so much better without someone like me in it...despite all that I had been through...to the world, I was the enemy.
I wanted to give up.... I really really just wanted to die.
And I would have made that happen if not for the interferance of the church.
2009
Winter
I waited until Venum was asleep and I started to search the cabinet for pills. I had recently cleaned out many bottles of unused pain killers and so it was hard to find anything to take. I grabbed bottles and drank their contents...cough syrups and other liquid tylenols and advils. I found myself growing sleeping and sometimes fell asleep searching for enough liquids to end it all. That was also pathetic. I was intent on cutting my wrists the right way...up and down but every time I had the opportunity, someone would interrupt me....my children, the church or the phone. I found some pills and dropped half of them down the toilet while drunkenly trying to end it all through a haze of vodka and gin. I grew angry and so I thought of a new way.
I would drink all the bleach that I had and then if that didn't work, I would just walk into traffic...I knew that had to do it for me...had to be enough. Surely this time, I could be successful at something. But then that was the day that I recieved a visitor.. a stranger. I was sitting on the porch with the jug of bleach at my feet. I was trying to work up the courage to do it ...to finally end it all. The kids were away at their aunts that week and so I had it set up perfectly. That is when the car swerved onto the side of the road and skidded to a halt. A little girl got out from the passenger side and ran up to me.
"Maam, can you help me? " she was almost crying. "something is wrong with my mommy."
I ran down the hill and looked inside the car. The woman was gasping and her face was pale white. "hello, what is wrong?"
"I ...I ...can't breath well.....I think...I ...I am having a h...heart attack." she stopped talking then and held her chest with one hand.
I told her to be very still and then I called an ambulance. I waited with the woman until the ambulance arrived and then I walked back up to the house. I stared at the bleach jug and put it back in the kitchen by the washing machine. I guess I had a reason to live for the day.
I decided to worry about suicide on another day. I suddenly had the urge to live long enough to make sure the lady survived.
I didn't understand yet how life worked...at that moment, I became curious about it all.
2009
Winter
I spent more and more time on the Triond site and met many friends there. One of my first friends was Fegger, then the second was BullMuse. Then I met Bo. I loved these three men with an unconditional love, you see. They were there...whenever I needed them, basically. They were great and wonderful people whom I shared things with that I haven't shared with others. And then there was Drew. Drew was something different altogether...something familiar and yet horrible. I knew Drew as an enemy at first because he criticized my work with a ruthless hatred. He was honest and as you know, the truth is so ugly at times.
And so, I would devote so much of my time to Drew and to describe the effect he had upon my life...a strange and unexpected influence and yet a companion to part of me. Drew was someone's other...and I was aware of exactly what he was from the beginning. But, in my curiosity, my head would spin with trying to figure out whose other he was. Bo knew first and so Bo shared his knowledge with me. Bo was always smarter than any of us ever knew and it took a long time to figure it out. But Bo observed these 'creatures' in the night...these writers and Bo knew their secrets in his observations. My guess of Drew's identity was way off and so Bo corrected me. And when Bo corrected me, I realized over time that he was right...and that made me love Drew all the more...because I loved all of Drew...not just as being an Other....I loved the part that he showed to the world..and it was an unconditional love...one that would never be broken over time and over space. *smiles*
Fegger was like a father to me...he protected me from Drew's attacks. He helped me with my writing and basically stood for me when others would not. He and Drew were my first Triond loves. Fegger was like the Batman to Drew's joker...in my opinion and observation. I loved them both...but in different ways entirely. Fegger also respected Bo as well and Bo then created the Pirate Bo Jack movement on the triond forum. Such members as Pablina, Stephen Cardiff and Casey joined in on th pirate movement and soon it got way out of hand. I made comments here and there and then I would take a break for a while. I couldn't have my computer at work and so I only had the night to converse with my friends of the Triond Forest. After a while, I grew tired of Triond and so I stepped away from the forum for a while.
The garden.
Spring
2009
My father was a green thumb and could grow anything. I thought that maybe I had this gift as well and so I decided to try my hand at gardening. I told Venum what I was interested in this past time and he burned off the area for my garden and tilled it. He seemed to be doing things for me and seemed to be a good husband. I got along with him as well as I could always in silent fear of what was to come next. But i was glad that he helped me because I went about planting and fertilizing my crops and seeds...in which I did all this on my own and was told by Venum that he was not the least bit interested in doing any more of the garden. The rest was up to me. And that was okay by me as well. I doted on my garden as if it were my lover...I talked to the seeds and quietly raked the dirt from the crop to see how well they were growing. I would hear Venum's friends come by from work and talke to him. I might look around at them and smile then I would go back to talking to my crops. They found me insane, I am sure, but I cared not. I looked at them as if they were the crazy ones and then I would laugh.
As night fell down upon us, Spirit would come out and sing to the crops, dancing down the rows and flitting through the trees at the edge of the yard. She loved the new birth and so did Anna. Anna stood at the edge of the yard with her arms dangling down beside her. Her beautiful freckled face woudl beam with pride and then she would turn and walk back into the darkness. As I walked back toward the house, I would feel them both re-enter my mind and hum some strange tune to each other. For that time, my others found harmony with each other...and with me.
2009
Venum was going to be leaving for over seas duty within the next month and so we all planned a trip to Gatlinburg. We found a huge cabin in the mountains between Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and invited my aunt, my brother and Venum's mother to go on the trip with us. My brother was upset because of some descrepancy at work that might cause him his job and so he was in bad need of a vacation. Problem was, he would have to wait a whole week to find out whether he was fired or not.
I put in my vacation request at work and after submitted all the proof that I needed, the boss let me take the week off for my vacation. I was to work the rest of the week and then I would be leaving for vacation.
Gatlinburg
We all rented a van and left for the mountains. We stayed in a three story cabin which offered bar, pool table and hot tub. We went to view all of the attractions in the mountains including the trails, the parks and the shopping areas. We ate at various restaurants and candy shops. I remember buying so much candy that my stomach hurt from eating the treats. The kids loved the trip and didn't want to leave to come home.
Venum went skiing as he always did when we went to Gatlinburg and this time Damian got to ski as well. The ladies shopped and played video games while waiting on the guys to finish skiing. Allen played games with the little ones too.
The views in the mountains were spectacular and I caught myself wanting to move there. I noticed that everytime that I go somewhere far away, I never want to come back to Mississippi. I guess I just always have this urge to get away from everythign that I know and just...start over.
The trip is foggy in my mind leaving little for me to remember. I somehow seem to remember fighting with Venum more than anything. I grew weary of the relationship but felt guilty because he was soon leaving for Iraq. I knew that it was terrible to feel anger towards him when he was leaving but it is jsut the way it is. Nothing can change how you feel just by forcing a change....it cannot be done...not for honor, not for mercy and not for godliness. Sometimes the heart just hardens that way and it is almost impossible to change things at all.
2009
Spring
The week before Venum left, I was taking an additional couple of days off from work. The last week I was at work, something happened. Bama, the housekeeper, had always been my friend despite her drinking and heavy drug use. I had given her things including money, food and other things that helped her. Even during her worst episode, I had been there for her. One time, she was plannig on destroying some rooms in the hotel because she was mad at the boss and I grabbed hold of her and hugged her tight telling her that I loved her. She calmed down and then went to do her job. I always thought that I could have that effect on her...but I was wrong.
When Bama's sister died, she grew very angry. I had prayed and prayed for her sister so many times. I told her that her sister would be okay...but unknown to me...I lied. Her sister passed away anyway and she had requested time to go to her sister's funeral. The boss had okayed the time off but the third shift worker called her in anyway. Bama came in the lobby when I was on duty and she was ranting and raving. She even started to call me a bitch and then commanded me to call the boss because she was angry. I told her that I wasn't going to call him if she continued to call me a bitch. This only made her angrier and she started to throw things at me. I couldn't take much more of the abuse so I went around the counter to grab hold of her as I had done before. But this time when I grabbed her and tried to hug her, she slapped me. I grabbed her hand and then she slapped me again. Before I knew it, I had snatched Bama's sunglasses off her face to see if she had been drinking. She was definitley under the effects of alcohol. She then shoved me out of the way and then I let her go. I just couldn't hit her because I needed my job and so I called the boss to report what had happened. I hated to do it but she was screaming about tearing up the rooms and she would not longer listen to me.
I was informed to write a statement about what had happened during the week that I was off on my extended vacation and to bring it to the hotel for the other shift worker. I assumed that i had all week to write the statement. Bama was immediately fired.
When I went to turn in my statement they told me that I was laid off until they could decide whether to fire me or not. I couldn't understand because I didn't even hit Bama. I was told that Bama said that I hit her and the whole occurance happend in the blind spot of the room. We had cameras but the cameras did not even pick up the fight. It was all so unbelievable. But I had no choice but to wait.
I called at the end of the week to see if I still had a job and the boss said that I would have to wait a little longer. I found out by another source that he had already put an advertisement for my position in the paper and so I went to file for unemployment under the fact that I had been laid off which I had. After a couple of weeks, I was awarded with unemployment checks. Venum had already left for Iraq and I had to send him an email letting him know that I lost my job. He was not happy but there was nothing that I could do about it but look for something else. Meanwhile, I recieved my unemployment and used my "allowance' that Venum had alloted me through his military pay. It was enough to survive and so I concentrated on my gardening and hanging out on Triond with my writer friends.
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