When I was a child, or during my growing at home rather, I became familiar with the carnage in my kitchen. It was little a mini slaughterhouse, filled with all sorts of animals, being butchered and packed away for the winter. To some families, this was common. Our family, however, was obsessed with carving and gutting and eating every single portion of an animals body.
Fish
We ate filets, whole tail ends of fish and even the head. The eggs were fried in homemade batter and given to the children. Fish bones made stock and guts were great for the dogs. Scales were dried and could be made into things like...earrings.
beef and pork
These animals were butchered down to the last drop...of blood. Pig ears, snouts, tails and intestines were packed away, pickled or boiled. The entire head was boiled and ground into tiny peices which was then formed into souse or hog's head cheese. Beef tongue was delicious, or we learned to appreciate the acquired taste of it. Fat was congealed to form strange cakes. My grandmother would eat spoonfuls of fat while laughing at the dinner table. The freezer was packed full of various animal parts. Sometimes we picked a mystery package and cooked a meal.
game
Venison was a traditional form of protein. We could butcher as much as 6 of them during one winter...maybe more. Their back strap would be sliced into the most delicate and savory steaks. Battered and smothered in gravy, they were perfect at breakfast with buscuits. Hind quarters were good for stews and roasts, as long as you removed the bullets and bone fragments.
Squirrel brains were treats for me, mostly. I was teh cute little girl and it was fun for my father to watch me crack open the squirrel skulss with a spoon and eat the brain and tongue. The brain tasted like liver and the tongue was springy and tasty. Legs and breasts were battered and cooked slow in a pot with gravy. This could be done with rabbit too.
Turtles were for soups mainly, all but a few peices which were fried. Possum and raccoon could be portioned in the same way and preserved for the winter months. I didn't really have a taste for those animals but I loved to keep the raccoon tails and wear them in my hair.
My kitchen was used to butchering things and the huge freezer in the corner was always packed with a smorgesbord of animal parts. Once, someone left the freezer unplugged and the meat went bad. It was one of the worse smells I have ever encountered.
But we killed more and we butchered more and we cleaned the freezer.
Then it was as if nothing ever happened. We were rather self-sufficient.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Friday, May 8, 2015
Saturday, June 29, 2013
She told me so
“So how does it feel to be a wish?” she asked me as she leaned in and pursed her lips.
I couldn’t speak as my throat was dry and I had cried the whole night through.
“Listen dear, we are all wishes as some time. You have to be strong and find the love you have for yourself. Those who wish, do not want you. They like the idea of you.”
This statement hurt me, although it shouldn’t have. My chest heaved and the tear welled. I thought of the sweet lies and the reasurances of what I was supposed to believe. I thought of all the times I had heard these words before…and yet I fell for them over and over again.”I know…I know.”
She sighed and leaned back again. she was so very frustrated with me at this point. She didn’t like to have to tell me this over and over but she did. Placing her hand over her face, she deflated. “Oh, I am so sorry…I feel your hurt, your sorrow as if it were mine but I cannot heal you. I cannot save you from yourself.”
Her words rang true but yet to me had no meaning. All I could see, feel or taste was this thing called love…which didn’t exist. I was such an emotional creature. I was such a fool and she felt so sorry for me. She wanted to fix me, to heal me to give to me strength but she knew I had to find it on my own. My tears fell suddenly…no jerking, no twitching–just rivers flowing down my cheeks onto my breast. I did not move.
She looked back to me and raised up in her chair. Her wings were now blue…as blue as could be. I saw her dark eyes and her little fangs but knew she meant me no harm. I watched as Spirit stared into me, offering me strength she knew I could not take…but offering it none-the-less.
“I hate doing this over and over. I hate being alone and not being able to feel.” I wiggled in my chair–arms crossed.
Spirit looked at me and smiled a sad little smile and spoke. “You know they do not love you at all. You know you are a fantasy…nothing real…nothing to them at all.” she took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek. “I am sorry, but love is not reciprocated…and if I remember correctly, you said you would love regardless.”
I looked down at my hands that were impatiently grasping each other…desperately looking for something that would prove the faerie wrong..but she was right.”I had loved in vain and allowed myself to get lost in the feeling.”
She smiled at me and opened her arms. “Come…come to me again and I will protect you from them. I will keep them from you.”
I looked up with pools in my eyes with lips trembling and watched her spread her wings. I felt her need to fly. I felt her love for me…someone who was always there for me. I exhaled so deeply in finality. I understood the truth as hurt washed over me again. I heard the sweet words and i caught my breath. I knew she did not lie to me.
I stood and reached out for that part of myself which wore the mask. I reached for the truth I knew.
Spirit smiled and the smile told me that she had kept her promises to me. She would always be here.
Read more: http://authspot.com/thoughts/she-told-me-so/#ixzz2XfsVMDh4
I couldn’t speak as my throat was dry and I had cried the whole night through.
“Listen dear, we are all wishes as some time. You have to be strong and find the love you have for yourself. Those who wish, do not want you. They like the idea of you.”
This statement hurt me, although it shouldn’t have. My chest heaved and the tear welled. I thought of the sweet lies and the reasurances of what I was supposed to believe. I thought of all the times I had heard these words before…and yet I fell for them over and over again.”I know…I know.”
She sighed and leaned back again. she was so very frustrated with me at this point. She didn’t like to have to tell me this over and over but she did. Placing her hand over her face, she deflated. “Oh, I am so sorry…I feel your hurt, your sorrow as if it were mine but I cannot heal you. I cannot save you from yourself.”
Her words rang true but yet to me had no meaning. All I could see, feel or taste was this thing called love…which didn’t exist. I was such an emotional creature. I was such a fool and she felt so sorry for me. She wanted to fix me, to heal me to give to me strength but she knew I had to find it on my own. My tears fell suddenly…no jerking, no twitching–just rivers flowing down my cheeks onto my breast. I did not move.
She looked back to me and raised up in her chair. Her wings were now blue…as blue as could be. I saw her dark eyes and her little fangs but knew she meant me no harm. I watched as Spirit stared into me, offering me strength she knew I could not take…but offering it none-the-less.
“I hate doing this over and over. I hate being alone and not being able to feel.” I wiggled in my chair–arms crossed.
Spirit looked at me and smiled a sad little smile and spoke. “You know they do not love you at all. You know you are a fantasy…nothing real…nothing to them at all.” she took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek. “I am sorry, but love is not reciprocated…and if I remember correctly, you said you would love regardless.”
She smiled at me and opened her arms. “Come…come to me again and I will protect you from them. I will keep them from you.”
I looked up with pools in my eyes with lips trembling and watched her spread her wings. I felt her need to fly. I felt her love for me…someone who was always there for me. I exhaled so deeply in finality. I understood the truth as hurt washed over me again. I heard the sweet words and i caught my breath. I knew she did not lie to me.
I stood and reached out for that part of myself which wore the mask. I reached for the truth I knew.
Spirit smiled and the smile told me that she had kept her promises to me. She would always be here.
Read more: http://authspot.com/thoughts/she-told-me-so/#ixzz2XfsVMDh4
Monday, June 17, 2013
147
2009
It wasn't that I liked what I did, no. I was a very selfish person who wished to survive and to find happiness where she could. To me, happiness was like falling leaves and I danced beneathe them madly. I cared not what color or what shape those leaves were born or made into. I only cared, at that time, for myself and whatever it took to make me happy. My children made me happy, these cyber men made me happy and Mary made me happy...this is what I thought of and this is what I thrived upon for that time in history. I grew increasingly strange and livid as the time approached that my husband would end my happiness with my newfound life. I loved him...oh, how I loved him. I loved him beyond what any of you could ever understand. I resent that fact that when you read this, you may think that I had no love for him nor respect for him serving his country...and you are wrong. Just because I was no longer in love with him, did not mean that I would not fight wild animals for this man. See, words play tricks on your mind in this way and so many see love as one thing and one thing only. The word love is so mixed and perverted until it loses all sense of meaning to some of you. We were friends, Venum and I, and why wouldn't we be? For 17 years of our life, we raised three children, lived through the death of two more and we raged against everything. He was a beast to me and I had become that beast. I had taken from him what I needed to survive whether it be unorthodox or whether it be quite normal...I took and absorbed what I needed. So why shouldn't I love this man? I knew and loved him more than most people who have walked this planet in exception to his mother and father. There are others perhaps; who have seen things which he never revealed to me and now I know that to be understandable. But my love never ends here...it only changes. I will leave...I am just waiting for the right time...and I will forgive...as I would have him to forgive me. To understand or to not understand...it is no conern of mine if you do not....after all, this is just another story.
2009
I ran with the wolf; through the forests of night. The raven overhead chattered and cawed as it kept up with our brisk pace. I stopped, just on the crest of the hill and squatted down for a better look of my surroundings. Everything was alive underneath the moon's wise and watchful eyes. I saw the trees swaying gently in the breeze from the coming sorm. Oh, how the wolf loved the storm and it's wildness...but he guarded himself closely when the storm would finally come upon him. Wolf came up next to me and licked at my knee where the barbed wire had cut me. He growled beneathe his breath and I heard his words.
"You must be careful miss...I cannot bear to see you hurting. The storm is coming. Don't you think you should go back in?"
The Raven laughed at the wolf's silly words as he perched upon my shoulder.
"You are such a fool wolf, you worry like some old decrepit lady. Let her alone...let her ride the storm on those silly fairy wings." The Raven smiled and I knew he smiled because I felt his darkness bloom within my soul.
This is how it was...sometimes, within the forest of Illyria. They would nip at each other forcing the light and darkness to clash until the pressure burst into some cataclysmic shower of the stars. I would turn my face toward the heavens and feel the shimmering fairy dust fall all around me. I would watch the fireworks as the Raven flew away again...wolf bounding back into the forest. They always left me...left me to what I had taken from them. I learned and I gravitated toward myself...more and more....becoming something...different.
I was Spirit but Sherrie was close by nurturing the darkness for me. Anna's soft still voice was comforting me from her short distance within my mind. She told me to be still...remember to calm my heartbeat and my soul. And then, as soon as we were three...it was only me....Sherrie. Something happened that night...upon the crest of the hill in Illyria, my make believe enchanted forest. I became one for just a moment. It was a moment in time that I did not remember since being a small child.
Something, somewhere was holding me still.
I was alone and this is where I made my stand.
2009
Have mercy..oh have mercy and have forgiveness. It is said that if ye seek forgiveness for your sins, you must forgive others of their sins as well. Even if the sinner has sinned 70 times 7...or something of that nature. No where have I seen that you must live with them....for if you have been betrayed only once, God has given you the right to end the union in which you have cultivated and nurtured.
I was prepared now. I waited in that house on the day that my husband would return. I made a vow with myself that I would not relent. I would not bow down to the anger in his voice, I would not take another blow and I would not accept another betrayal until I was free. No matter what happened, I would stay true to myself.
I had not given up my love for two of the men...the Raven and the Wolf. As time would go by, I would let go of the earthly love and disolve my part in their wrong doing. Whether they changed their ways or not, I would never know. Only once, after walking away from the wolf, did I speak to him again...but it was never the same. After all...I do have a heart, no matter how misguided or twisted it might be....I want what is right. But I feel the tug of something, a feeling of familiarity but different somehow.....some thing that pulls me together and forms me in stillness. I feel the tug of something that heals me and makes me one person...but at this point in time, I thought it was just a magnetic feild. I would dream every night off something which came to me and whispered soft words into my ear and would tell me to fly. I would shush that voice and try to keep my focus on the task at hand. ONe step at a time...I would tell the voice. When the voice disappeared, I would hear Spirit and Anna arguing about how they were trapped and unable to speak with me...contained. I would dismiss their silly ramblings and set about to preparing for my husband's return.
And so, it was...
It wasn't that I liked what I did, no. I was a very selfish person who wished to survive and to find happiness where she could. To me, happiness was like falling leaves and I danced beneathe them madly. I cared not what color or what shape those leaves were born or made into. I only cared, at that time, for myself and whatever it took to make me happy. My children made me happy, these cyber men made me happy and Mary made me happy...this is what I thought of and this is what I thrived upon for that time in history. I grew increasingly strange and livid as the time approached that my husband would end my happiness with my newfound life. I loved him...oh, how I loved him. I loved him beyond what any of you could ever understand. I resent that fact that when you read this, you may think that I had no love for him nor respect for him serving his country...and you are wrong. Just because I was no longer in love with him, did not mean that I would not fight wild animals for this man. See, words play tricks on your mind in this way and so many see love as one thing and one thing only. The word love is so mixed and perverted until it loses all sense of meaning to some of you. We were friends, Venum and I, and why wouldn't we be? For 17 years of our life, we raised three children, lived through the death of two more and we raged against everything. He was a beast to me and I had become that beast. I had taken from him what I needed to survive whether it be unorthodox or whether it be quite normal...I took and absorbed what I needed. So why shouldn't I love this man? I knew and loved him more than most people who have walked this planet in exception to his mother and father. There are others perhaps; who have seen things which he never revealed to me and now I know that to be understandable. But my love never ends here...it only changes. I will leave...I am just waiting for the right time...and I will forgive...as I would have him to forgive me. To understand or to not understand...it is no conern of mine if you do not....after all, this is just another story.
2009
I ran with the wolf; through the forests of night. The raven overhead chattered and cawed as it kept up with our brisk pace. I stopped, just on the crest of the hill and squatted down for a better look of my surroundings. Everything was alive underneath the moon's wise and watchful eyes. I saw the trees swaying gently in the breeze from the coming sorm. Oh, how the wolf loved the storm and it's wildness...but he guarded himself closely when the storm would finally come upon him. Wolf came up next to me and licked at my knee where the barbed wire had cut me. He growled beneathe his breath and I heard his words.
"You must be careful miss...I cannot bear to see you hurting. The storm is coming. Don't you think you should go back in?"
The Raven laughed at the wolf's silly words as he perched upon my shoulder.
"You are such a fool wolf, you worry like some old decrepit lady. Let her alone...let her ride the storm on those silly fairy wings." The Raven smiled and I knew he smiled because I felt his darkness bloom within my soul.
This is how it was...sometimes, within the forest of Illyria. They would nip at each other forcing the light and darkness to clash until the pressure burst into some cataclysmic shower of the stars. I would turn my face toward the heavens and feel the shimmering fairy dust fall all around me. I would watch the fireworks as the Raven flew away again...wolf bounding back into the forest. They always left me...left me to what I had taken from them. I learned and I gravitated toward myself...more and more....becoming something...different.
I was Spirit but Sherrie was close by nurturing the darkness for me. Anna's soft still voice was comforting me from her short distance within my mind. She told me to be still...remember to calm my heartbeat and my soul. And then, as soon as we were three...it was only me....Sherrie. Something happened that night...upon the crest of the hill in Illyria, my make believe enchanted forest. I became one for just a moment. It was a moment in time that I did not remember since being a small child.
Something, somewhere was holding me still.
I was alone and this is where I made my stand.
2009
Have mercy..oh have mercy and have forgiveness. It is said that if ye seek forgiveness for your sins, you must forgive others of their sins as well. Even if the sinner has sinned 70 times 7...or something of that nature. No where have I seen that you must live with them....for if you have been betrayed only once, God has given you the right to end the union in which you have cultivated and nurtured.
I was prepared now. I waited in that house on the day that my husband would return. I made a vow with myself that I would not relent. I would not bow down to the anger in his voice, I would not take another blow and I would not accept another betrayal until I was free. No matter what happened, I would stay true to myself.
I had not given up my love for two of the men...the Raven and the Wolf. As time would go by, I would let go of the earthly love and disolve my part in their wrong doing. Whether they changed their ways or not, I would never know. Only once, after walking away from the wolf, did I speak to him again...but it was never the same. After all...I do have a heart, no matter how misguided or twisted it might be....I want what is right. But I feel the tug of something, a feeling of familiarity but different somehow.....some thing that pulls me together and forms me in stillness. I feel the tug of something that heals me and makes me one person...but at this point in time, I thought it was just a magnetic feild. I would dream every night off something which came to me and whispered soft words into my ear and would tell me to fly. I would shush that voice and try to keep my focus on the task at hand. ONe step at a time...I would tell the voice. When the voice disappeared, I would hear Spirit and Anna arguing about how they were trapped and unable to speak with me...contained. I would dismiss their silly ramblings and set about to preparing for my husband's return.
And so, it was...
Sunday, June 16, 2013
146
2009
Halloween
Venum came home for a couple weeks and he was different....I was different. We would look at each other in a weird way and then carry on with life. Venum met Mary and he seemed to think she was cool. We would have bonfires and cookouts to celebrate the fact that Venum was home for a little while. I seemed cold and he seemed cold as well and that was not to be helped. He was fighting a war in a foreign land while I was waging war with myself. I know that none of you could understand the similarities in this but there are some. I do not question what he went through and I could never understand the horror that he witnessed. I did not see the dead (But only did I see the dead and talk to the dead and live with the dead inside.), not did I kill anyone (slowly killing myself..slash by slash and burn by burn)...I am sure that he did these things. I did not suffer alone with my atrocities of war as he did (I was always with three...me myself and I). But, to me, I suffered in my own way hating myself and destroying myself with my drinking habit, my sexual sins and my self hatred. I looked at him and I saw a stranger and when he looked at me...it seemed that he saw a stranger as well. In fact, he asked me why I was so different and what was wrong with me. I would always tell him that nothing was wrong and he was just imagining things. I knew that I was going to leave him but I would not tell him then. I wanted him to have a clear head when he went back into battle and so I tried to make things seem as peaceful as they could be.
Venum came and he went and I do not remember much about his stories or the time that we spent between deployments. Venum left on Halloween night to return to Afghanistan. We traveled to Memphis and went to the airport. I said my goodbyes and the kids said theres as well. It was a sad departure but I felt a little numb at the same time. I knew that things were changing and there was nothing that I could do. AFter Venum left, me and the boys went trick or treating in the neighborhood around my aunt's house. I didn't want to go inside, I just wanted to roam the streets all night...in my little black fairy costume.
I stayed out long after the children wanted to go inside, it was cold and bitter...bitter as my heart. I just wanted something great and powerful to come and tell me what to do. I felt like crying and hiding away within the night. I felt the horror of my emotions...of that feeling that I could not change, that I could not contain...I felt the horror falling out of love with my children's father. I looked at their faces knowing that they had no clue as to what I would have to do. My heart sank to new levels of darkness.
2009
And I was alone again with my children, my friend Mary and my three inside. I found them plenty of company for the time being. I do not remember how Christmas was spent but I do remember giving the children all that they wanted for Christmas. I started explaining to the men online that my husband would be returning soon and that I had to find a way to communicate with them without his knowledge...because, my heart would not let them go. One of the guys whom had grown very close to me had decided to cut me lose because his wife had caught him talking to me twice and she had offered up an ultimatum for him. It was either let me go or she was getting a divorce. Of course, he did the right thing and told me that it was over between us. It was hard for me and I cried many nights thinking about our friendship which was gone forever. Then, I started to do other things to occupy my time and to not think of the 'frog' ...or that is his animal spirit. I had grown very close to the frog and his soul was entwined with mine. He was always the precious sub who needed his dominant woman to guide him during the sexual encounters that we would have via webcam or on the phone. There would be no more phone sex while he was on his lunch break, there would be no more web cam sex while sat upon a pepper grinder and rode away while doing squats....(he always loved that one) and there would be no more dark scenarios of commanding him to fuck the hell outta me in the 'make believe cemetary that we always dreamed about. It was over for me that frog....and it ripped at my heart.
But that was life and life wasn't fair.
2009
During the winter I grew closer to the Raven...one of my writer friends who taught me things that I didn't evn know about myself. I knew who the Raven was and I knew his other....as I have mentioned before. During a drunken episode, the Raven told me that he loved me but it was the other who spoke these words. I always ever thought that his only feeling toward me was of curiosity but I was wrong.
I found the RAven perched upon his branch one night and there I sat and listened. I listened until he came down to me, pushed me over onto my stomach and pounded my ass in love. I felt his hands grip and tug at my flesh as I screamed...I screamed in pleasure and I desired more. The RAven gave me more of what I wanted and then he gave me things that I didn't even know that I desired at all. But I was impatient and within days, the Raven had flown away out of frustration. I flew away as well...in the other direction.
Every now and then....I would find the Raven but he was dark and brooding. Out of fear of his rejection...I left him to his devices and his secret plans.
But I still love the RAven...I love him still....because the heart cannot be overruled. In this I have found no closer...and as with many things...I would find no closer. I think that maybe a lesson here would be that sometimes things will never be explained and we shall have to accept that fact.
2009
And that left him...the one who brought me to climax many many times...whether early in the day or deep within the night...to songs....poems and just his lyrically beautiful words. I knew that things were going to change as my husband came back home but I did not want to lose them. I loved them...I loved him...and I loved the others. I did not see my week without the orgasm given to me at lunch time with various objects such as pepper shakers, cucumbers and popsicles. I could not imagine my life without my cyber lovers and so I wept whenever i thought about how I was to lose them soon.
I enjoyed every day...every moment until that fateful time that I would have to hide them from my husband. I hated to lie...oh, how i hated making a story to hide the truth...but there comes a time when you have to lie or you will lose your mind. There are just some things that you cannot give up without giving up your very soul.
2009
He would be coming home soon I was frightened. I would never tell anyone how frightened that I was , but I was in dread. I didn't want my life to change and I did not want to be manipulated. I had grown strong since Venum had left and I was very unwilling to give up that freedom that I had found. I saw his arrival as being a death to me of sorts. I knew that If I gave in to him and his ways, that I would lose me completely. I knew this as sure as I knew the sun would rise, as sure as the oceans were full of life and as sure as I was part of three...the spirit, the dead and me.
I waited and I waited...digging my nails into the palms of my hand. Day after day the time grew near. I began to cut again...first the arm and then my stomach. Even my cyber lovers saw my cuts and grew angry with me. They asked me why I was so scared and I tried to explain my dread to them. They just told me to be strong and not to give in to the pressure. I talked to Gringo(my lil bro, FRank) and I begged him to help me. He told me that I had to just man up and be a big girl. He said it was stupid for me to hurt myself and that I should find a better way to let out my frustration. He was drunk and so he was not very kind in his reprimands. When I got off the computer, I cut four lines into my forearms and cried myself to sleep.
Spirit starte to rage about my impending containment. She was angry and sought to make me grow angry as well. Anna told me to be calm and not to take things so seriously. She said that I should wait and take it one day at a time until he came back. Anna reminded me that I would not know what to do until the time came. Her little cold hand gripped mine and I knew she was very near and very strong. For a moment, I saw Anna standing very near me. I smelled a strange and clowing perfume coming from her apparition. I reached out to touch her cheek and she smiled.
"I am here for you...when the time comes. I will be your strength and sense of direction."
I squinted my eyes to better see Anna's form but then she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her but she left me.
I was alone....Spirit was even gone. It was just me...me and my razor blade..and so I cut again. Then finally, i fell asleep.
Halloween
Venum came home for a couple weeks and he was different....I was different. We would look at each other in a weird way and then carry on with life. Venum met Mary and he seemed to think she was cool. We would have bonfires and cookouts to celebrate the fact that Venum was home for a little while. I seemed cold and he seemed cold as well and that was not to be helped. He was fighting a war in a foreign land while I was waging war with myself. I know that none of you could understand the similarities in this but there are some. I do not question what he went through and I could never understand the horror that he witnessed. I did not see the dead (But only did I see the dead and talk to the dead and live with the dead inside.), not did I kill anyone (slowly killing myself..slash by slash and burn by burn)...I am sure that he did these things. I did not suffer alone with my atrocities of war as he did (I was always with three...me myself and I). But, to me, I suffered in my own way hating myself and destroying myself with my drinking habit, my sexual sins and my self hatred. I looked at him and I saw a stranger and when he looked at me...it seemed that he saw a stranger as well. In fact, he asked me why I was so different and what was wrong with me. I would always tell him that nothing was wrong and he was just imagining things. I knew that I was going to leave him but I would not tell him then. I wanted him to have a clear head when he went back into battle and so I tried to make things seem as peaceful as they could be.
Venum came and he went and I do not remember much about his stories or the time that we spent between deployments. Venum left on Halloween night to return to Afghanistan. We traveled to Memphis and went to the airport. I said my goodbyes and the kids said theres as well. It was a sad departure but I felt a little numb at the same time. I knew that things were changing and there was nothing that I could do. AFter Venum left, me and the boys went trick or treating in the neighborhood around my aunt's house. I didn't want to go inside, I just wanted to roam the streets all night...in my little black fairy costume.
I stayed out long after the children wanted to go inside, it was cold and bitter...bitter as my heart. I just wanted something great and powerful to come and tell me what to do. I felt like crying and hiding away within the night. I felt the horror of my emotions...of that feeling that I could not change, that I could not contain...I felt the horror falling out of love with my children's father. I looked at their faces knowing that they had no clue as to what I would have to do. My heart sank to new levels of darkness.
2009
And I was alone again with my children, my friend Mary and my three inside. I found them plenty of company for the time being. I do not remember how Christmas was spent but I do remember giving the children all that they wanted for Christmas. I started explaining to the men online that my husband would be returning soon and that I had to find a way to communicate with them without his knowledge...because, my heart would not let them go. One of the guys whom had grown very close to me had decided to cut me lose because his wife had caught him talking to me twice and she had offered up an ultimatum for him. It was either let me go or she was getting a divorce. Of course, he did the right thing and told me that it was over between us. It was hard for me and I cried many nights thinking about our friendship which was gone forever. Then, I started to do other things to occupy my time and to not think of the 'frog' ...or that is his animal spirit. I had grown very close to the frog and his soul was entwined with mine. He was always the precious sub who needed his dominant woman to guide him during the sexual encounters that we would have via webcam or on the phone. There would be no more phone sex while he was on his lunch break, there would be no more web cam sex while sat upon a pepper grinder and rode away while doing squats....(he always loved that one) and there would be no more dark scenarios of commanding him to fuck the hell outta me in the 'make believe cemetary that we always dreamed about. It was over for me that frog....and it ripped at my heart.
But that was life and life wasn't fair.
2009
During the winter I grew closer to the Raven...one of my writer friends who taught me things that I didn't evn know about myself. I knew who the Raven was and I knew his other....as I have mentioned before. During a drunken episode, the Raven told me that he loved me but it was the other who spoke these words. I always ever thought that his only feeling toward me was of curiosity but I was wrong.
I found the RAven perched upon his branch one night and there I sat and listened. I listened until he came down to me, pushed me over onto my stomach and pounded my ass in love. I felt his hands grip and tug at my flesh as I screamed...I screamed in pleasure and I desired more. The RAven gave me more of what I wanted and then he gave me things that I didn't even know that I desired at all. But I was impatient and within days, the Raven had flown away out of frustration. I flew away as well...in the other direction.
Every now and then....I would find the Raven but he was dark and brooding. Out of fear of his rejection...I left him to his devices and his secret plans.
But I still love the RAven...I love him still....because the heart cannot be overruled. In this I have found no closer...and as with many things...I would find no closer. I think that maybe a lesson here would be that sometimes things will never be explained and we shall have to accept that fact.
2009
And that left him...the one who brought me to climax many many times...whether early in the day or deep within the night...to songs....poems and just his lyrically beautiful words. I knew that things were going to change as my husband came back home but I did not want to lose them. I loved them...I loved him...and I loved the others. I did not see my week without the orgasm given to me at lunch time with various objects such as pepper shakers, cucumbers and popsicles. I could not imagine my life without my cyber lovers and so I wept whenever i thought about how I was to lose them soon.
I enjoyed every day...every moment until that fateful time that I would have to hide them from my husband. I hated to lie...oh, how i hated making a story to hide the truth...but there comes a time when you have to lie or you will lose your mind. There are just some things that you cannot give up without giving up your very soul.
2009
He would be coming home soon I was frightened. I would never tell anyone how frightened that I was , but I was in dread. I didn't want my life to change and I did not want to be manipulated. I had grown strong since Venum had left and I was very unwilling to give up that freedom that I had found. I saw his arrival as being a death to me of sorts. I knew that If I gave in to him and his ways, that I would lose me completely. I knew this as sure as I knew the sun would rise, as sure as the oceans were full of life and as sure as I was part of three...the spirit, the dead and me.
I waited and I waited...digging my nails into the palms of my hand. Day after day the time grew near. I began to cut again...first the arm and then my stomach. Even my cyber lovers saw my cuts and grew angry with me. They asked me why I was so scared and I tried to explain my dread to them. They just told me to be strong and not to give in to the pressure. I talked to Gringo(my lil bro, FRank) and I begged him to help me. He told me that I had to just man up and be a big girl. He said it was stupid for me to hurt myself and that I should find a better way to let out my frustration. He was drunk and so he was not very kind in his reprimands. When I got off the computer, I cut four lines into my forearms and cried myself to sleep.
Spirit starte to rage about my impending containment. She was angry and sought to make me grow angry as well. Anna told me to be calm and not to take things so seriously. She said that I should wait and take it one day at a time until he came back. Anna reminded me that I would not know what to do until the time came. Her little cold hand gripped mine and I knew she was very near and very strong. For a moment, I saw Anna standing very near me. I smelled a strange and clowing perfume coming from her apparition. I reached out to touch her cheek and she smiled.
"I am here for you...when the time comes. I will be your strength and sense of direction."
I squinted my eyes to better see Anna's form but then she disappeared. I wanted to talk to her but she left me.
I was alone....Spirit was even gone. It was just me...me and my razor blade..and so I cut again. Then finally, i fell asleep.
145
2009
I stayed drunk every night and for every night, I hung out with my international friends on the internet. Most nights were spent letting Spirit run amuck with the other writers of the forums. Some times, I would have a webcam job to fullfill and other times, I was chatting with friends that I had made the past year. When I had reached the height of my drunken state, I sometimes would be in fights in the forums and having debates with others. Mostly, I would avoid the most serious fights because of my fear of being intellectually inadequate. Once or twice, Damian would wake up and catch me dancing drunkenly on the living room table. Once he even posted a pic on facebook of my inebriation. I would wake the next day and do it all over again. During this time, I gained weight because I was not going out much, not having real life social interractions. I became depressed as Sherrie and utterly uncontainably joyful as spirit. The members of the church came looking for me after I started to miss worship services.
Eventually, I stopped going to church altogether and felt that my internet family cared much more about me than anyone else....except my children, of course. No one loved me like my children did. And so, I let them meet certain of my friends from online...the ones who were not too wild for the boys. On a couple occasions Damian played xbox with a friend from Arizona and he also helped solve a math problem with a friend from Kentucky. My online friends were impressed by my children's intellect and I was proud of their accomplishments. I told of all their accomplishments when talking to my friends.
But I was falling into a dark and depressing pit while only spending my time online. I saw that I was becoming highly addicted to the computer and so I took a break for a while. This did not last long and I was back at it again. While my friends online helped me to find and fight for my freedom; they also contributed to my weight gain, reclusiveness and my lack of outside social interraction. This, I found posed a problem to my sanity as much as having three personalities threatened to do.
2009
Anna sat at the back of my mind and twiddled her little fingers. She watched me grow more independant as the days went on. She would smile weakly and then stand up to show me the logic in all things that I was delving into. Some times I listened to Anna and some times I did not. I had found out that her family had found her killer and I wondered why she stayed with me. I asked her if she knew about the facts behind her murder and she told me that she knew everything and yes, she knew that they had found her killer. She entered my thoughts more deeply and spoke a secret to me then. She said she wouldn't leave me until she knew that I could handle this on my own. I agreed and let her go deeper into my thoughts. There she remained and there she helped me to sort out my feelings and my mistakes. I tried to convince myself that Anna was a fictional part of my mind, a twisted form of my personality...but then she would say something that made me think otherwise. One of my friends from online named Shell would tell me about how I was having delusional epidsodes and that it was just a part of my disorder. To her, all things supernatural were just too hard to fathom...she being more of a science gal and an atheist at that. I respected her opinion and so I took Anna with a grain of salt from then on. This made her very sad and she would weep within my mind. My depression grew worse.
2009
I met a woman named Mary and Mary was wonderful. I had been looking for another job to replace the one that I had lost. Venum had been sending emails wanting to know if I had found a new job yet. I kept calling jobs and filling out applications online but nothing seemed to pan out. I found an add for a Health and Wellness advisor and so I made the call.
The woman who answered the phone introduced me to a line of health and wellness products which I had been familiar with before. At first I really thought I had hapt upon something akin to being some sort of instructor or coach; but the job was more of a workshop type deal where you introduced new health products in hopes of selling these products. The ladies name was Mary and I was supposed to meet her to learn of the new job. I made plans to meet her at Stokes (the local grocery) and there she would explain everything to me.
I met her and she explained all about the business. She said that I could go to workshops with her and watch her do the job and make the sells. After a while, she would let me start with the business on my own. I was happy with this and so I agreed to go with her and watch her do the work. Spirit became irritable and I told her to shut up. Anna said that this might work out for me if I put my mind to it and Sherrie just moaned a little and introduced herself more thoroughly to the lady. Mary smiled and hugged me right before I left.
I knew that Mary was different but I had no idea that she would become one of my best friends. She would meet me...all three of me and she would still love me and not be afraid of me. I would not creep Mary out and she would make me feel welcome in her home. ON many occasions, I would fall asleep in Mary's arms and yet, we were not a couple....we did not love like that...in that way. I had just found a true friend, a friend without conditions and a friend who was not ashamed to be my friend as well.
2009
I started to tell Mary of my relationships with the men online. She actually had the opportunity to talk to one of them when I was in her home. I told Mary about the way that I felt and how I was unfullfilled by Venum. I told her that I was looking for love and that I had become confused in my wanderings...which I had. I found answers to things as I talked to Mary and Mary talked to me in exchange. Mary was single but she had been seeing at least two married men and she was having a hard time changing that about herself. We both agreed that what we did was wrong...yes, I only talked to these men on the internet while Mary had relations with them in real life. Thing was, we didn't really see any different between the sins that we both committed...well, not much difference because it had to be classified differently. We talked of how the men made us feel...how they talked sweet to us and made us feel special but then they went back to their own lives and left us empty...this they did. We laughed about the fact that we did not rule the holidays--this was for the wifey. We talked about all the days that we were sure of not having the men's attentions...these including holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas....also other such related holidays. In the end, we understood what we were...we were the 'other women' and we really had no stand in their existence...but we were okay with that. When things would happen in that aspect, we would comfort each other, drying the tears and holding each other till late into the night. It was a strange perspective...this other life was and it was something that I would have to face when my husband came home. I didn't know what I wanted in life, this was certain but I did know that I wanted my happiness.
Mary and I traveled every day making flyers, doing workshops and just being together. We talked of everything that revolved around the men and the women we knew. I joined the business and learned the company. I worked while the kids were in school and found solace in Mary. I wish I could say that with Mary's help, I reached a conclusion and an answer to all my shortcomings but I did not do so. In Mary I learned many things and grew in odd ways but I never grew to understand the ways of the human being. I must say, I did learn a new perspective on life and I began to feel something strange for these men that I talked to. I realized that they may have loved me in their own ways but they could never love me in the way that I wanted....and so I grew stronger and started to look at them differently. I never stopped loving them but I learned to take what I needed from them leaving them with peace. I never ever felt an envy or hatred for their loved ones. I actually learned a newfound respect for the women who must live with these men. My love never died, nor did it turn sour....I weeded them out and was left with only a few men that I felt loyalty toward. I loved them until they said it was time to go and then....I gave them up...all but two. These two were the hardest ones to give up and the ones who held the most of me.
Mary knew and Mary held me deep within the night when neither of these men would be there. Sometimes, they never came to me for a weeks time and I felt as though my soul would die. I realized that I had fallen in love...in love with those men that I had never met.
I had reached a new level of pathetic insanity. Even Spirit seemed to be in love as she sat on her mushroom and swayed back and forth under the stars.
What had I done?
I stayed drunk every night and for every night, I hung out with my international friends on the internet. Most nights were spent letting Spirit run amuck with the other writers of the forums. Some times, I would have a webcam job to fullfill and other times, I was chatting with friends that I had made the past year. When I had reached the height of my drunken state, I sometimes would be in fights in the forums and having debates with others. Mostly, I would avoid the most serious fights because of my fear of being intellectually inadequate. Once or twice, Damian would wake up and catch me dancing drunkenly on the living room table. Once he even posted a pic on facebook of my inebriation. I would wake the next day and do it all over again. During this time, I gained weight because I was not going out much, not having real life social interractions. I became depressed as Sherrie and utterly uncontainably joyful as spirit. The members of the church came looking for me after I started to miss worship services.
Eventually, I stopped going to church altogether and felt that my internet family cared much more about me than anyone else....except my children, of course. No one loved me like my children did. And so, I let them meet certain of my friends from online...the ones who were not too wild for the boys. On a couple occasions Damian played xbox with a friend from Arizona and he also helped solve a math problem with a friend from Kentucky. My online friends were impressed by my children's intellect and I was proud of their accomplishments. I told of all their accomplishments when talking to my friends.
But I was falling into a dark and depressing pit while only spending my time online. I saw that I was becoming highly addicted to the computer and so I took a break for a while. This did not last long and I was back at it again. While my friends online helped me to find and fight for my freedom; they also contributed to my weight gain, reclusiveness and my lack of outside social interraction. This, I found posed a problem to my sanity as much as having three personalities threatened to do.
2009
Anna sat at the back of my mind and twiddled her little fingers. She watched me grow more independant as the days went on. She would smile weakly and then stand up to show me the logic in all things that I was delving into. Some times I listened to Anna and some times I did not. I had found out that her family had found her killer and I wondered why she stayed with me. I asked her if she knew about the facts behind her murder and she told me that she knew everything and yes, she knew that they had found her killer. She entered my thoughts more deeply and spoke a secret to me then. She said she wouldn't leave me until she knew that I could handle this on my own. I agreed and let her go deeper into my thoughts. There she remained and there she helped me to sort out my feelings and my mistakes. I tried to convince myself that Anna was a fictional part of my mind, a twisted form of my personality...but then she would say something that made me think otherwise. One of my friends from online named Shell would tell me about how I was having delusional epidsodes and that it was just a part of my disorder. To her, all things supernatural were just too hard to fathom...she being more of a science gal and an atheist at that. I respected her opinion and so I took Anna with a grain of salt from then on. This made her very sad and she would weep within my mind. My depression grew worse.
2009
I met a woman named Mary and Mary was wonderful. I had been looking for another job to replace the one that I had lost. Venum had been sending emails wanting to know if I had found a new job yet. I kept calling jobs and filling out applications online but nothing seemed to pan out. I found an add for a Health and Wellness advisor and so I made the call.
The woman who answered the phone introduced me to a line of health and wellness products which I had been familiar with before. At first I really thought I had hapt upon something akin to being some sort of instructor or coach; but the job was more of a workshop type deal where you introduced new health products in hopes of selling these products. The ladies name was Mary and I was supposed to meet her to learn of the new job. I made plans to meet her at Stokes (the local grocery) and there she would explain everything to me.
I met her and she explained all about the business. She said that I could go to workshops with her and watch her do the job and make the sells. After a while, she would let me start with the business on my own. I was happy with this and so I agreed to go with her and watch her do the work. Spirit became irritable and I told her to shut up. Anna said that this might work out for me if I put my mind to it and Sherrie just moaned a little and introduced herself more thoroughly to the lady. Mary smiled and hugged me right before I left.
I knew that Mary was different but I had no idea that she would become one of my best friends. She would meet me...all three of me and she would still love me and not be afraid of me. I would not creep Mary out and she would make me feel welcome in her home. ON many occasions, I would fall asleep in Mary's arms and yet, we were not a couple....we did not love like that...in that way. I had just found a true friend, a friend without conditions and a friend who was not ashamed to be my friend as well.
2009
I started to tell Mary of my relationships with the men online. She actually had the opportunity to talk to one of them when I was in her home. I told Mary about the way that I felt and how I was unfullfilled by Venum. I told her that I was looking for love and that I had become confused in my wanderings...which I had. I found answers to things as I talked to Mary and Mary talked to me in exchange. Mary was single but she had been seeing at least two married men and she was having a hard time changing that about herself. We both agreed that what we did was wrong...yes, I only talked to these men on the internet while Mary had relations with them in real life. Thing was, we didn't really see any different between the sins that we both committed...well, not much difference because it had to be classified differently. We talked of how the men made us feel...how they talked sweet to us and made us feel special but then they went back to their own lives and left us empty...this they did. We laughed about the fact that we did not rule the holidays--this was for the wifey. We talked about all the days that we were sure of not having the men's attentions...these including holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas....also other such related holidays. In the end, we understood what we were...we were the 'other women' and we really had no stand in their existence...but we were okay with that. When things would happen in that aspect, we would comfort each other, drying the tears and holding each other till late into the night. It was a strange perspective...this other life was and it was something that I would have to face when my husband came home. I didn't know what I wanted in life, this was certain but I did know that I wanted my happiness.
Mary and I traveled every day making flyers, doing workshops and just being together. We talked of everything that revolved around the men and the women we knew. I joined the business and learned the company. I worked while the kids were in school and found solace in Mary. I wish I could say that with Mary's help, I reached a conclusion and an answer to all my shortcomings but I did not do so. In Mary I learned many things and grew in odd ways but I never grew to understand the ways of the human being. I must say, I did learn a new perspective on life and I began to feel something strange for these men that I talked to. I realized that they may have loved me in their own ways but they could never love me in the way that I wanted....and so I grew stronger and started to look at them differently. I never stopped loving them but I learned to take what I needed from them leaving them with peace. I never ever felt an envy or hatred for their loved ones. I actually learned a newfound respect for the women who must live with these men. My love never died, nor did it turn sour....I weeded them out and was left with only a few men that I felt loyalty toward. I loved them until they said it was time to go and then....I gave them up...all but two. These two were the hardest ones to give up and the ones who held the most of me.
Mary knew and Mary held me deep within the night when neither of these men would be there. Sometimes, they never came to me for a weeks time and I felt as though my soul would die. I realized that I had fallen in love...in love with those men that I had never met.
I had reached a new level of pathetic insanity. Even Spirit seemed to be in love as she sat on her mushroom and swayed back and forth under the stars.
What had I done?
Friday, June 14, 2013
the wounded human animal...
2009
For those who wish to view my blog; it is important that you go back to entry number 1 or just before that one to understand the meaning of this story. This is the story of my life and every horrid thing that has stuck in my memory. On this journey, I have found more and more and will be filling in the blanks over time. Revisiting this blog would be beneficial to understanding the nature of the beast, the course of the sickness and the path of the lost.
Thank you
For those who wish to view my blog; it is important that you go back to entry number 1 or just before that one to understand the meaning of this story. This is the story of my life and every horrid thing that has stuck in my memory. On this journey, I have found more and more and will be filling in the blanks over time. Revisiting this blog would be beneficial to understanding the nature of the beast, the course of the sickness and the path of the lost.
Thank you
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